Hey kids, Dr. Professor Mike Adams is back! Okay, to be honest, Dr. Mike -- like herpes -- never actually goes away, but it's only recently that the flare-ups have become noticeable, and this week he delivers a blistering eruption of logic which proves that bullying -- a misunderstood but essential form of natural selection -- should be encouraged, because it can take an effeminate, potentially homosexual second grader and turn him into prime breeding stock. How does Dr. Mike know? Because it worked for him!
So read on, and discover how Dr. Mike went from cringing, pants-wetting wuss to the Buford Pusser of Mrs. Humphey's Home Room.
The Bullied Gene
Yesterday, when I was arguing with a liberal...
...which is Dr. Mike's euphemism for "dry-humping the Resusci-Annie I filched from a dumpster behind the Community Health Center."
he told me I was entirely too harsh in my assessment of today’s youth.
Their refusal to go back to Dr. Mike's cabin and inspect his gun collection is actually a feature, not a bug.
He told me specifically that I needed to be aware of the fact that in 21st Century America one out of five boys gets bullied in school on a “regular basis.” I don’t know where he got that statistic but it really made me ashamed of my country. We need to do better. When I was a kid back in 20th Century America everyone got bullied in school.
Everyone got bullied? Who bullied the bullies? Presumably it was their fellow bullies, but did they take shifts, or was it handled through some kind of violent daisy chain?
Those really were the good old days.
Why is it that people who don't believe in evolution are invariably the most enthusiastic
social Darwinists?
My most memorable experience with bullying came during the 1972-73 school year when I was a student at Whitcomb Elementary School in Clear Lake City, Texas. The highlight of the year was Mrs. Ogden who was a total babe (sorry for the antiquated language but I’m telling a story about the 1970s).
Speaking of the 70s, Dr. Mike, your praise of a woman's attractiveness seems every bit as genuine and unforced as the language in a
Tiger Beat cover story.
The lowlight of the year was dealing with some punk named Brian...Brian was constantly bragging about how tough he was – probably because he was short and had a Napoleon complex.
In second grade? So I guess he'd just given up on his pituitary gland and was pumping iron every day during nutrition break?
Eventually, Brian’s bragging about his fighting ability got old – even for Brian. So, one day, he challenged me to a fight on a specific day at a specific time in the schoolyard. Like a wimp, I faked being sick that day so I could stay home and avoid the confrontation. That strategy backfired. After wimping out on my scheduled confrontation with Brian he issued another challenge. And that led to another absence from school, which was excused by another fake illness. My mother was beginning to catch on.
Fortunately, this experience helped Mrs. Adams grow accustomed to disappointment early on in her career as a parent, so that by the time Dr. Mike's adulthood rolled around, she had skin like an armadillo.
I got to spend the summer at home and away from the bully in my second grade class. My parents even sent me to a baseball camp at nearby San Jacinto College where I would be instructed by real college baseball players. I wasn’t aware that Brian’s best friend Mike would be attending the same baseball camp.
Coincidentally, 1972-73 was the first season of ABC's
Afterschool Special, from which I'm pretty sure Dr. Mike stole this entire story.
I wasn’t really expecting it when Mike came up behind me and shoved me in front of a bunch of the other little league players – many of whom were also my schoolmates. But the second I turned around and saw him I knew that he had shoved me for one reason and one reason only: His best friend Brian had told him I was a wimp who wouldn’t stand up to a bully. So I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances. I punched him in the mouth.
I'm sure that's how you remember it, Dr. Mike.
After Mike put his hand to his mouth and realized he was bleeding there was a real look of horror on his face. So I punched him again – this time in the nose. And after Mike sunk to his knees and started waving his hands in surrender I began to hit him with a barrage of uppercuts until he was lying on his back in the middle of the outfield crying like a little girl.
Oh, my mistake. It wasn't an
Afterschool Special. Dr. Mike is just cribbing from
A Christmas Story.
By the way, Dr. Mike -- and no offense to your
theft of intellectual property reminiscences of childhood -- but I spent a fair number of years teaching karate to school kids, and "a barrage of uppercuts" is not in the average second grader's martial repertoire.
The next spring when I was standing in line for a snow cone after a game in Bay Area Park I saw Mike and Brian in the line ahead of me. Mike acknowledged me and asked if everything was “cool” between us. After I told him it was “cool” Mike turned to Brian and said “He really beat the crap out of me last summer.” So we all became friends and no one bullied anyone after that.
Then they all went on a journey to find the dead body of a boy, and they almost got run over by a train, and had fights and arguments, and got sucked on by leeches, but then they confessed their insecurities and confronted their fears and learned hard lessons about life and stuff. It was the best summer ever.
That’s how we dealt with bullying when I was a kid. Someone picked on someone until he got fed up and learned that he had to defend himself. It was all a part of learning to be a man.
Yeah. Again, no offense...but Dr. Mike, the gun-coddling misogynist, is to manhood what the penis pump is to virility.
When the inevitable fight was over the bully and the bullied became friends. And no one really contemplated shooting up the school in retaliation.
However, if the 8-year old Dr. Mike had had as many handguns as the 48-year old Dr. Mike does, it might have been a different story. Frankly, it still might.
But today things are different. The state is increasingly seeing itself as the agent responsible for stopping bullying.
This strikes me as more of a solution than a problem, Dr. Mike. But then, I've experienced bullying, so I may be biased. In fact, I suspect you'd have to survey quite a few of kids getting punched in the head before you found one who was a real stickler for federalism.
And they are increasingly interested in monitoring bullying throughout all levels of the educational process. At my university, there is actually a guide that directs students to various government resources that can help students who are experiencing bullying.
Coincidentally, the same day I read Dr. Mike's ode to intimidation, I saw
this article:
When Sirdeaner Walker found out her son was being bullied and called homophobic slurs, she told his school about it.
"I thought they would handle the situation," she said. It turned out, "the school just didn't know how to or they weren't equipped to handle it. I thought it had stopped, but it continued and escalated."
Her son, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover committed suicide in 2009. He was 11 years old. As she grieved, Sirdeaner received letters and cards from parents all over America whose children were also bullied.
Not that I mean to diminish Dr. Mike's formative and character-building violence, but even though getting pushed at a baseball camp (which your parents are paying for, and whose proprietors could be counted on to break up a fight before it threatened their liability insurance) is serious business, it's maybe not quite in the same league as getting called "fag" and "queer" every day, elbowed and tripped in the halls, shoved into lockers, and punched and kicked by a gang of would-be toughs behind the backstop.
And even though I was never subjected to the degree of abuse many gay and lesbians kids endure, there were certain scary times in my school career when I would have
welcomed government intervention (or just the sight of a teacher), no matter how much it might have offended the Tenth Amendment; and even if it would have robbed me of the chance to grow up to be a man like Dr. Mike Adams.
Interestingly, the guide defines bullying as “the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them [sic] do something.” Since other campus programs focus on the disproportionate bullying of homosexuals this seems to be a tacit admission that homosexuals are indeed “weaker person(s).”
Or gays and lesbians are seen as safe targets, partially because of the implicit disapproval they receive from authority figures like Dr. Adams, and are therefore disproportionately picked on.
In other words, the implications of their approach to this topic have not been well-thought-out. Few things are “thought” through in higher education today. People generally “feel” their way through problems.
At least, that's how Dr. Mike explained his pedagogic methodology to the last co-ed he tried to pick up.
Some people believe the government should stop bullying because we have so many defenseless effeminate young men in the public school system.
And so many overcompensating, infertile closet cases at the state college faculty level.
But I believe we have so many defenseless effeminate young men in the public school system because people believe the government should protect them from bullying. That’s the difference between the liberals and me. And I’m pleased to offer my advice at no expense to the taxpayer.
Proving once again that you get what you pay for.
Put simply, the question of whether one will or will not be bullied is largely a matter of choice.
The same applies to getting mugged. Or shot. Or cancer. Choose wisely, Dr. Mike.
You can either remain the boy who is bullied or you can become the man who fights back. I don’t think the former are restricted by what is in their genes. More likely, it’s just what’s missing in their jeans.
When I got roughed up by some kids in elementary school, my Dad didn't shame me, but he did offer to show me how to block a punch, and how to throw one. Confronted with the same situation, Dr. Mike would probably cut to the chase and just tell his son to "Turn your head and cough."
So remember parents: start your kids on violence early -- it's the vaccine that inoculates boys from the virus of homosexuality. However, even after reading through Dr. Mike's column, I still don't know what a
girl who gets abused by her peers is supposed to do. Punching her tormentor in the mouth seems unladylike, and would probably only increase the risk factors for dykehood, so maybe she should just elect not to get pushed around. I hear that when it comes to violence in schools, bullies -- like Dr. Mike -- are very Pro-Choice.
