Happy Birthday, S.Z.! I got you Alicia Keys!

Wait. I just checked the receipt, and it looks like I got you Alan Keyes.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, today is the natal anniversary of our beloved Sheri Zollinger, founder of World O' Crap, co-author of Better Living Through Bad Movies, and rescuer of more stray and distressed animals than Marshall Thompson in Daktari.

As longtime readers know, s.z. (as she was originally code-named) is amazingly smart, inexhaustibly funny, and impossibly kind; and the closest thing to a saint one can come to without actually being canonized, martyred, or cast in resin and glued to a dashboard.

Astronaut/Supermodel/Spy (artist's conception).

Now, as it turns out, only one of those three professional appellations is true (I'll let you guess which one), which is also true of RenewAmerica's Alan Keyes:

Ambassador/Senator/President

But Alan has apparently been reading Harry Turtledove's Alternate History novels, and has hatched a plan to make his fantasy resume come true, and corner the Stolen Underpants market at the same time!

'A Bucket Brigade': The most simple, feasible way to take back America!

Step 1:  Find an Alternate Historian who will confirm that if Alan had trounced Barack Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race, rather than vice versa, then he, not  Obama, would have become the First Black President of the United States.

Step 2:  Quote David Niven's lament from the end of The Prisoner of Zenda, "Fate doesn't always make the right man king."

Step 3:  Impeach President Obama!  ("Impeachment must be the centerpiece of the 2014 elections — and candidates for both houses must sign a pledge to impeach!")

Step 4:  ???

Step 5:  Become President!

But I kid, Alan.  Actually, he's worked out a much more comprehensive business plan than the Underpants Gnomes:  Once we have a pledge to impeach! in place, Alan will make the following move in this tri-level chess game played with Death for the fate of America Herself:

Boehner must be dumped as Speaker and replaced with the next president of the United States, whoever that may be, chosen by the House — the 'people's chamber'!

Wait, wait, wait -- aren't we getting ahead of ourselves here?  How are we going to impeach the president, when none of the putative scandals on which impeachment would have hinged have turned out to be actual crimes or misdemeanors, high or otherwise?

WND.com is reporting on the activities of people who have been gathering on highway and other overpasses in different parts of the country with signs advocating the impeachment of Barack Obama. 

Of course!  While the impeachment advocates may not prevail in the courts or the Senate, they can still win a stunning legal victory in the overpasses!

So what are we charging President Obama with, anyway?  Well, according to Alan, it's everything from "Their national health policy's violation of the free exercise of religion with respect to the practice of abortion;" to "Their military policy's suppression of militarily innocuous religious practices by military personnel, in violation of the 1st Amendment;" to "Their social policy's enforced acceptance of homosexual marriage, disparaging and denying the God-endowed rights of the natural family, which the Constitution's 9th Amendment plainly forbids."

By demonstrating their strong feelings on this subject, the people gathering at overpasses throughout the nation are taking an important first step toward achieving the result America requires.

And if it takes a bit longer than anticipated, and they're still standing out there in February, and get bored and start bombing passing cars with empty pint bottles of peach brandy, well, as Robespierre said, "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few windshields."

Obama and his minions can and should be impeached and removed from office. The process could begin in short order, within a few weeks of the time the new Congress convenes in 2015. The aim would be to achieve a simple majority of representatives in the U.S. House willing to impeach Obama and his minions, and two-thirds of the Senators in the U.S. Senate willing to remove them.

Then we all go out for a light lunch.  Simple!  Once we get the Overpass People on our side, we can't lose!  (Hm.  "Overpass People" sounds a little on the Gay 70s Disco side...we need a strong, heroic name for this Justice League of patriots who are defending us all by gathering to petition the freeway for a redress of grievances, all while maintaining a minimum vertical clearance of 16 feet.

This is all well and good, but how does it get Alan that presidency he was cheated out of?

Let's say that when the smoke clears after the 2014 election, candidates who have pledged to initiate impeachment in Congress have been elected in sufficient numbers. Let's call them the "bucket brigade" for short.

Sure, why not?  It's less likely to get bleeped than my suggestion.

[T]he first step of the "bucket brigade" would be to elect, as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, the person they believe best suited to take over the Office of President of the United States. This could be any qualified person in the U.S., since the Speaker does not have to be a member of the House.

Ahhh, I see where he's going with this -- and I have to admit, it's a brilliant, or brilliantly lazy, scheme!  Not only does Alan not have to run for the Presidency to become President, he doesn't even have to win a crappy little House election.  He merely needs Congress to elevate him to the third highest office in the land by acclamation, then immediately to the highest office, bypassing Joe Biden, who will presumably return from a routine tooth-whitening appointment to be confronted by the perplexing sight of an entirely different black guy in the Oval Office.

So the overpass demonstrators are right to assume that we cannot and should not wait until 2016 to refresh our political life.

The Tree of Liberty is looking a little wilted, so considering opening a vein today, Patriots.

The key to success is to demand that candidates take a solemn oath to impeach and remove those who are conniving to overthrow our Constitution, trample our unalienable rights, and rape us of our national birthright, which is God-acknowledging liberty. Find and swear-in the "bucket brigade."

By the way, don't make the mistake of swearing in an actual bucket brigade; or if you do, at least wait until they've put out the fire before you start demanding they swear oaths and touch your bible.

President-doesn't-need-to-be-elect Keyes's column wraps up with an Afterward from Stephen Stone, President of RenewAmerica, who explains how this time, impeachment will really, really work, and make the entire country, even Democrats, even people who want a Black President, turn their backs on Obama.  And when they do, who will they see standing there...?

You know you want me.

But it's kind of long, and not really Birthday Card quality, so we'll just end with our fondest wish that Sheri has a wonderful day, free of cord-chewing cats and projectile-pooping puppies.

Happy birthday, s.z.!

UPDATE:  Crap!  I almost forgot!

Sexy Birthday Lizard!