Friday, March 29, 2019

Slumgullion 59: Harlequin (1980)

Jim Donahue, writer for the Daily Grindhouse (and a Crapper from way back) joins Scott and Jeff for an all Unknown Movie Challenge show. This time, it's the 1980 oddity Harlequin (AKA Dark Forces), and this is a weird one, but let me try to set the stage...

Suppose...just suppose...that Rasputin lived in Australia, but wouldn't admit it? And suppose he was a birthday clown? And was played by a guy who used to be Jesus of Nazareth, but now just wants to be in Velvet Goldmine? And suppose David Hemmings from Blow-Up shows up as a British guy pretending to be an Australian pretending to be an American in a mid-70s paranoid political thriller like The Parallax View, and almost gets away with it, until the last moment when a drunken Broderick Crawford lumbers on camera and everyone starts to think that hmmm...maybe they're actually in an episode of Highway Patrol? In HELL!

Look, I can't explain, so just listen and let us, uh...explain it. Anyway...

Maids melt, doves cry, clowns float. You will never be the same...

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

By Bill S.

Today we celebrate the birthday of World O' Crap's own MaryC. Finding the right gift is never easy, so once again it's time to look through our favorite catalogs and Wish Books. Let's begin by seeing  what Carol Wright Gifts has to offer ;

For anyone yearning to unleash her inner Laura Petrie.

"JOHN" and "JANE" ($4.99 each)
"Ideal when you need instant relief! Whether in bed, in a car or anywhere, keep John or Jane nearby. Sanitary plastic bottle has easy-to use funnel design and sure-grip handle." this? Relief from what? Relief from whaaaaaaat?????

"The residents of this charming Bavarian chalet will step out to predict the weather. Designed with a thermometer and built-in hygrometer, this authentic Bavarian chalet is handcrafted of wood in Germany.

Woman Steps Out on Fair Days--Man Steps Out in Bad Weather"

There's no better way to get a weather report than from a German couple who can't stand to be in the same room together.

Okay, I'm not feeling it, so let's have a quick peek at that other compendium of Hard to Find gifts,  Things You Never Knew Existed:

"52 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU POO" book ($10.99)
"This collection of entertaining activities ranging from mazes to word finds to toilet trivia---"
--will come in handy when you're down to a cardboard roll.

"Why look to the angel on your shoulder when you have the Messiah right at your desk? The next time you get the urge to plunder the fridge for unsuspecting coworkers' lunches, just give the Son of God a little tap on the head and He will silently urge you not to covet thy neighbor's burger. 8" tall, "gracefully" sculpted resin. WARNING: Choking Hazard-small parts."

CHOKING hazard? How'd they find this out? What kind of weird-ass Communion was THAT?

"Let TEX, the armadillo guard your drink until you're good and ready to chug it! Cast in high-quality designer resin, this fully handpainted lifelike critter is a sure-fire conversation piece from his textured armor to his whiplash tail. Holds one 12 oz. can."

Well, that certainly will start conversations. Probably once the owner leaves the room. I think we've found this year's gift!

Happy Birthday, MaryC!