Mo' Better Blahs

Let's check in with self-appointed troubadour of the Tea Party Movement, Lloyd Marcus, seen here at some sort of Colonel Sanders cos-play convention:

(Actually, now that I perform a bit of Google Image Search due diligence, I see that the above photo is from a recent column entitled, "Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day: Great Turnout, Few Blacks In My Town."  Apparently, Lloyd feels that living in a largely Negro-free community makes for improved public events, which probably explains his attraction to Tea Party rallies.)

Obama versus Jesus: Black Christians Must Decide

A poll claims that Romney will receive zero percent of the black vote. Well, if the poll proves correct, it means that a vast majority of black voters are ignorant of the truth...or else they're racist. 

That seemed a bit harsh, until I remembered that I'm planning to vote against Romney too, and if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I have to admit that it's largely out of a sense of racial solidarity; because, like President Obama, some of my relatives are also white.

Black Christians who vote for Obama knowing his crimes against Christianity and biblical principles have chosen to worship the idol of racial loyalty over their discipleship to Jesus Christ. Pure and simple.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." -Exodus 20:3 

I bet Exodus was pretty peeved when Jesus and the Holy Ghost horned in, but then, I'm no doctrinal expert (my mother tried very hard to persuade me to become a Christian, but I was always more attracted to monotheism).

Incredibly, some blacks have completely forsaken their Christianity for Obama.

I wonder what's convincing all those white young people to abandon the church?  Probably their unhealthy fixation on Joe Biden.

A fellow PK (preacher's kid) said her parents recently changed their stance on same-sex marriage in support of their black president. I find this remarkable.

Though I disagree, I have been sympathetic and understanding with black seniors who have suffered dearly, with hearts still bearing scars of racial injustice.

LLOYD:  Mr. Johnson, pardon me for barging into your oxygen tent, but I just heard you've decided gay people shouldn't be attacked by police dogs or beaten with truncheons for demanding their civil rights, the way you were, and I just wanted to say...I forgive you."

But now that Obama has been exposed as the most anti-Christian president in U.S. history...

(False charges courtesy of David Barton, America's leading fake historian.)

...senior black Christians must no longer be given a pass for supporting this man. 

Get over your damn flashbacks to the Edmund Pettis bridge, Grandpa, or Lloyd's gonna turn the firehose on you and everyone in this whole damn nursing home!

At stake is something extremely important: their fellowship with Christ versus an idolatrous worship of skin color.

Blonde, blue-eyed Jesus would really like you to get over this hangup, black people.

Talk about hardcore anti-Christian beliefs: not only does Obama support abortion, but he supports infanticide -- killing babies who survive failed abortions.

Of course, this is an urban legend, but then, so is most of the Bible, so there's probably some sort of Ninth Commandment exemption for spreading it in the name of Jesus.

Obama taught Alinsky tactics to university students from a book which its author dedicated to Lucifer. Rules for Radicals was written by Saul Alinsky. Alinsky's dedication says, "...the first radical known to man who rebelled against the establishment and did it so effectively that he at least won his own kingdom - Lucifer" 

Actually, that's part of the epigraph (the same page quotes Rabbi Hillel and Thomas Paine); the book is actually dedicated "to Irene."  But she was probably Satan's wife or something.

Obama's attacks on religious freedoms are numerous. Over 40 Catholic groups are suing Obama for mandating in ObamaCare that faith-based institutions provide contraception and abortion services. 

It doesn't, of course.  But after years of getting sued by victims of clerical sexual abuse, the Catholics probably just got tired of the Defendant's table, and wanted to see what it was like to sit on the other side of the courtroom for once.  ("Hey, this is niiiiice.  We should complaintiff more often.")

Anyway, black people need to vote against the first black president because mostly white Catholics are squicked out by lady parts.

Incredibly, the roots of racial hatred run so insidiously deep into the hearts of some blacks who profess Christianity that Obama has their vote -- period. 

That's why Republicans have worked so hard this year to reduce minority voting rights.  It's not that they want to disenfranchise blacks, they're just trying prevent a hate crime.

These blacks will claim that my facts are lies, that videos have been doctored, and that I am a paid Uncle Tom sell-out to the Republicans. 

Well, I wouldn't blame it on their race, Lloyd, since I'll claim the first two out of three myself.  I don't feel I have the right to claim the last, however, because I don't honestly believe they're paying you for this shit.

In the biblical account of Christ's Passion, the law gave the mob an opportunity to free one condemned prisoner, thus saving their choice from crucifixion.

Well, it was a coupon good for One Free Prisoner, but the mob forgot to present it immediately upon ordering.

Pilate asked the crowd, do I free Jesus or Barabbas? The crowd yelled, "Give us Barabbas!" Jesus was crucified.

Which was probably a good thing in the long run, because if Barabbas had been crucified, we'd spend every December watching holiday specials like A Charlie Brown Barabbasmas, which I suspect would prove hard to say after the second mug of wassail.

Two thousand years later, biblical principles are scheduled for crucifixion in America.

But they wanted to do it on the lawn in front of City Hall, so naturally the ACLU has filed a lawsuit.

Black Christians are faced with a crucial choice: Jesus or Obama.

I didn't even realize they were competing products.  Remind me, which is the one with Flavor Crystals?

I pray that come November, a majority of black Christians will not yell, "Give us skin color!"

Because that would mean that the majority of black Christians had become albinos, which would mean The Omega Man plague was upon us, and that would suck.

"I was concerned about protecting access to reproductive health care, preserving Pell Grant funding, and reducing unemployment, but I'm a single-issue voter now, baby!"

Let's Go On a Mystery Date...With SPAM!

By Keith, World O' Crap's Senior Involuntary Telecommunications Correspondent

Mystery Shopper, + other employment opportunities...

Since Scott has bared the depths of his spam bucket with Wo'C, thought I might try it as well. I run Linux and am not anxious opening spam … but why bother? I may do it more often as we do find delicious treats like this.

“Evaluation Systems For Personnel is seeking mystery shoppers around the USA It is a Stress free work and will not affect your current job. You will be earning $800 or More Monthly ($120 Per Assignment, and can do up to 10 Assignments in a Month) as a mystery shopper for our organization.”

At least someone has money to go shopping. But stress-free? I remember from my days at Tower Records when one certain “mystery shopper” got a little free and easy with one of our clerks and the result was violent, to say the least. The “mystery shopper” got hit upside the head and it was drama on the selling floor. Not good for business.

Will he be a dream?  Or a dud?

This is actually really...STRESSFUL...!

Next up:  “Please I rally rally need your help,”

“I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart. My name is Miss Anifa Kipkalya Kones, 25yrs old female and I held from Kenya. My father was (Dr Kipkalya Kones) the former Kenyan road Minister. He and Assistant Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong'a, in western Kenya.The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June, 2008.”

Unremarkable, but from the above subject, Ms. Kones might be the reincarnation of Katherine Hepburn (Go Kate, go with Nigerian 419. You run scams so well). And please everyone --- avoid flights on Cessna light aircraft when visiting Kenya. Your survivors will be writing with tears and sorrow from their hearts --- to spam-bots.

Now let's hear from Ms. Lonelyheart. She's right out of a Nathanael West wet dream:

“how are you today? i hope you are keeping good. My name is Miss Stella (female), I saw your contact today so, i decided to extend my greetings to you. Presently i can not really specify what prompted my drive to write you but, i did have the mind that you could be a nice person.”

Dear Miss Stella (female), I write for World O' Crap. I am not a nice person. In fact, many of my friends consider me to be a cold, rather heartless human entity. Deep inside is a different story, but when you get your shit together to decide what prompted your drive to write me, give a shout-out. I'm sure we'll hit it off right. I've got some good Martha Stewart jokes I'd love to tell you.

None of this would be interesting if I didn't mention that some netizens (well, not me yet) are rising up against the onslaught of spam thrashing inboxes or junk mail folders. Apparently, engaging in polite conversations with spammers can go on for months. You, the correspondent, can request your interlocutor to do just about anything in order to keep the scam running. Role reversal allows you to take control and put the scammer in the role of “victim.” You might even request your victim pose for sexually humiliating “trophy shots,” submitted in any digital format you require. Seems like much more fun than just sitting around watching Criminal Minds reruns. I don't suggest you take up this endeavor but you might find it funny. I may try this at home.

...with two to four players.

Circle of Life: The Fond Farewell Edition

Speaking of longtime and beloved members of the Crapper Community, Li'l Innocent revealed in the comments to this post that she and her family recently lost their 12-year old diabetic pug, Albert.

At our request, Li'l was kind enough to send along some photos of Albert.  First, the Casual Yet Active Sears Catalog pose, showing Albert with his posse at the dog park:

 Li'l writes that this shot "was taken back in pre-diabetes, pre-sight impairment days (though he was a bit too plump). The chain reaction effect here is amusing! Look at 'em all gathering intel!"

He does indeed appear to have the most popular hindquarters in town.  It's like the dog park is East High School, and Albert's butt is Zac Efron.

Then we have the Sears Family Portrait Studio shot.  Look at that beautiful, soulful face.  L'il writes:

 

Albert doing the head-tilt, just one move in his extensive Anthropoid-Management System. A pug-serving human is a happy human.

Just as an aside, the way pugs get you is not only by being cute and smart, but by being amazingly funny. We used to watch Dog Whisperer religiously, and it was interesting that Caesar Millan never, in the time we were watching anyway, had a pug as a patient. I don't know why this was -- maybe a shortage of troubled pug owners? -- but it would have been very interesting to see him get around the cracking-up factor!

Rest in Peace, Albert.  A flight of angels sing thee to thy rest, and a thumb perpetually rub thy adorably furrowed brow.

Happy Birthday, Brian and Julia!

First, let me second Mary's thanks to the many wonderful folks who contributed to the Wo'C Automobile Zombification program.  As it turned out, the cost to reanimate the car was higher than initial estimates -- and then even after it was alive, alive!, it failed the smog test, so further therapy was required (although I don't blame the car, because if I'd been lying dead for the past two years I doubt I could just rise from the grave and ace an exam -- and I tend to test well) -- but thanks to the astonishing and touching generosity of you, the World O' Crap reader, we were able to get it street legal in time for the first day of school at Shangri-La Elementary (Go Lamas!). You guys are the best.

Next, it's the birthday of veteran Crappers Brian and Julia, so please join me in wishing them a very Happy Whatever is Left of Their Special Day, Which isn't Much, Depending on Time Zone.  I really meant to post this earlier, but last night we went to visit friends in the Hollywood Hills.  Well, the Hollywood hill.  Kind of a low hill, actually -- but very steep! -- and since Smooth Summer Jazz was casting its magic spell over the Hollywood Bowl, many of the side streets were blocked off and parking was impossible, so we decided to walk it.  In return, my spine decided to treat my wayward disc the way Laurence Olivier treated Dustin Hoffman's central incisor in Marathon Man.  So I'm a bit behind on my work.

Since it's a little late for the daily horoscope, how about a reprise of the mini-movie we edited together for last year's fete, featuring all the birthday gags from the classic MST3K episode, I Accuse My Parents?

Happy birthday, guys!

The World is a Circle Without a Beginning...*

Speechless.  The only word that accurately describes my mental state since July 30th is the word for...no words.  

Since that day, both Scott and myself have never felt more grateful or honored to have the kindest, most hilarious and most generous readers of our little Mom 'n' Mom and Pop (plus Cats) blog.  Your response to our "Beg-a-Thon" was nothing short of miraculous.

I also believe that it was your support that started to turn our fortunes around for the best.

I've now finished my second week at my new school, and I don't think I've stopped smiling, not even once.  I have a fabulous group of students, wonderful colleagues, a principal who actually provides both guidance and support, and extremely involved, supportive parents. 

I find myself wondering, "How did I get here? I have such a cool class, and it's all in a place I had never imagined even existed!"  It was a conversation I was having with a parent the other morning which revealed the answer to my question:

Parent: "How long have you been teaching?"

Me:      "Hm. In Sept. it will be 20 years."

Parent: (Politely skeptical) "That's not possible! You don't look old enough to have taught so long!"

Me: (Blush...)

Now, in my old school, I frequently had students who would accidentally call me "Grandma". Who am I kidding?!  I've had kids who would accidentally call me "Grandpa", as well ( that one had me paranoid about my facial hair for weeks!)!

Now suddenly, in this new school, I've had more than one person telling me I look too young to have been teaching for 20 years.  And that's when I realized it -- this is no ordinary school! I'm working at Shangri La Elementary!

I've never felt happier, healthier, or more confident, and it's all thanks to you! Now that I've been rendered speechfull, let me stop speaking and start showing. Please enjoy these various pictures of Shangri La Elementary:

Here's our library. Note the lushness typical of the hidden Tibetan highlands

A courtyard between classrooms. Perfect for quiet contemplation and planning out the next 300 years of your life.

I had hoped to meet Ronald Colman traipsing through this magical garden of earthly delights.  Unfortunately, the best I could manage was Bobby Van from the crappy 70s remake.

My classroom. All it needs is the kids!  (Please see High Lama Sam Jaffe in the Admissions Office for an enrollment form.)

Ready for the First Day of School, Aug. 14th, 2012

 And, finally, the Teachers Lounge.

I would post pictures of my students, but apparently some of them are in the "industry" and their agents would prefer they actually get paid for any photo ops.  Take it from me, they are adorable, hilarious (in other words: they totally get me), and brilliant.

I just want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your kindness and caring. Without you, I would never have discovered (and been hired) at Shangri La Elementary, nor would I have discovered everlasting youth and near immortality.

*The World is a Circle, Lost Horizon, 1973

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Cat Queue Edition

RILEY:  This sucks.

RILEY:  Hey!  Get up!  It's my turn.

MOONDOGGIE:  I can't hear you!  La-la-la-la-LA-la!

RILEY:  You're covering your eyes, not your ears, moron.

RILEY:  Fine.  Whatever.  Don't care.  Yawn!

RILEY:  This sucks.

Spotlight Dance on...Arlene Martel!

Alias Arline Sax, alias Tasha Martel.  No distinguishing marks or scars.

By Chris Vosburg

No, she's not dead, and it's not her birthday; I just felt moved to give a shout out to yet another workhorse of sixties-era TV. In Arline's case, whew, also fifties, seventies, eighties, etc. Still working, in fact.

Just saw a Perry ep (The Case of the Absent Artist) which featured a sultry and kittenish Arline Sax in one of her many, many TV roles. In this one she plays a beat chick, all black sweaters and jeans, in an artists' community somewhere on California's coast called "Port Harmony", who never ever smiles, but looks exotic and mysterious, not to mention hot, doing it.

She definitely had it, that presence that all great actors have, that dominated whatever scene they happened to be in. Arline started out in the Bronx, and wound up graduating from the "famed" High School of the Perforning Arts, with the school's top drama award. Although she did a lot of theater at first, she soon ankled Broadway for Hollywood, and a long and prolific TV career, only doing a couple movies.

She did 'em all, everything from The Untouchables and Route 66 to The Wild Wild West and a recurring role in Hogan's Heroes (as sexy French Resistance fighter "Tiger"), and of course the Twilight Zone (pictured below: her nurse/stewardess-from-hell role in the TZ episode Twenty Two).

"Room for one more, honey."

There was something of Audrey Hepburn in her looks and she had a talent for dialect and the kind of dark, vaguely Mediterranean features that got her cast as a surprising variety of ethnicities: Native American, Italian, Spaniard, Latino, Greek, Russian, Vulcan... wait, what?

Yep, she was (and will forever be, I suspect, to her fans) T'Pring, Spock's betrothed in the ST:TOS episode Amok Time. I admit to having had a fair crush on her back then-- rowrr!

Scott adds:  She also achieved a measure of enduring Geek Cred as the working class damsel in my favorite episode of The Outer Limits, the Harlan Ellison-scripted Demon With a Glass Hand, in which Arlene played the unhappily married seamstress trapped -- by aliens!  From the FUTURE! -- in the Bradbury Building with an amnesiac and seemingly bionic Robert Culp.

I always enjoyed it whenever she would pop up in a movie or TV show.  As Chris says, she had that indefinable presence that makes an actor the cynosure of any scene, no matter how silly the context or talented the co-star.

Blogiversary! Or: 9 Years of Using Stupid Neologisms

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Gina Miller, Agent of D.Y.K.E.

I don't believe we've featured Ms. Miller before, so we can probably file this one under Scouting Reports, but according to her astonishingly brief (by RenewAmerica standards) bio, "Gina Miller, a native of Texas and current resident of the Mississippi Gulf Coast, is a conservative Christian political writer and radio/television voice professional."

More than that, she's a secret agent who has penetrated to the very bowels of the "homofascist" High Command.  Okay...Let's cue the Monty Norman surf guitar, and somebody get Julian Bond a white Persian cat!

Southern Poverty Law Center, homofascists target Mississippi museum

Today in the United States, one of the greatest threats — if not the greatest threat — to religious freedom and freedom of speech is the militant homosexual movement. There is no overstating this fact.

No, I agree -- I don't think there's any way you could make it sound much stupider.

 In the few years since the homosexual advocate Barack Obama (or whatever his name is)

"They Call Me MISTER President!"

was installed in the presidency, we have seen a boldness in the sexual anarchy movement unparalleled in our history. 

The same thing happened a couple years ago when we had a DSL line installed.  I'm still sore from all the anarcho-syndicalist sex.  But exactly how bold is it?

Obama has set homosexuals in positions at the highest levels in our government, and this is yet another of the myriad reasons it is crucial that he be ejected from power.

Unfortunately, in our haste to get the President's high level people out of their homosexual positions, we misread Gina's command and accidentally ejected Obama from the 1995 film Powder.  But it sucked pretty hard, and now I'm wondering if that wasn't what he wanted all along, and maybe he was just playing a whole Br'er Rabbit/Briar Patch mind game on us.

There is a concerted effort by radical homosexuals to use our courts to force the "acceptance" of their degenerate behavior on our country. We now see it regularly with homosexuals targeting Christian-owned businesses and other institutions, insisting with threats of legal action that Christians set aside their freedom of religion to accommodate the perverse demands of the homosexuals. They often succeed in their intimidation tactics.

They do?  Well, in that case I guess it's time for me to grease up and join the winning team!

To those who are not paying attention or who are beguiled by the deceptive message of homosexuals "only wanting equal civil rights," it is easy to discount the warnings of those of us who know the end goal of this sinister movement.

And how does Gina know the secret end goal of this sinister movement?  Frankly, I don't know, I wasn't paying attention, but I assume she went undercover as a lesbian.  She probably had to wear a lot of plaid, listen to a lot of Ani DiFranco, and raise a lot of large, friendly dogs, but gradually, over the years, she gained the trust of the militant, radical homosexual cabal, until she was at last able to listen in on the movement's innermost deliberations.  Later, utilizing "Moscow Rules" and a series of secure dead-drops, the Double-Naught Spy passed on their nefarious plans to her case officer at D.Y.K.E. (Damn, You're Killing Everyone!).

 We have yet another example of homosexual bullying — this time, occurring in collusion with the despicable Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). As you know, the SPLC has never met a patriotic, Constitution-cherishing, conservative Christian group that it did not smear with the "hate" label.  

Which is a mistake, because I find they taste better with a nice dry rub.  Anyway, I really wish I'd grown up in this evil alternate reality where gays are the bullies and the Southern Poverty Law Center is the Klan, because I'm pretty sure I would have gotten beat up less and fit in a lot better, due to my unquestionable ability to rock a goatee.

These people in the SPLC are anti-American, anti-freedom subversives who should never be given an ounce of credibility in a sane world. But, of course, our world is not sane, and thus, the SPLC enjoys not only mainstream "credibility," but also federal non-profit, tax-exempt status.

While in our own, positive matter universe, this role is filled by the Southern Baptists.

So, the SPLC has found a pair of young women to use as battering rams against the Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum in Jackson. The two girls claim they want to have a "commitment ceremony" at the museum, but the museum's policy has always been to refuse same-sex ceremonies, because homosexual "marriage" is not legal in Mississippi.

But the SPLC sent a letter threatening a lawsuit, and the "Republican Mississippi Agriculture Commissioner Cindy Hyde-Smith," who at first refused to approve the ceremony, grudgingly backed down, issuing a statement which read in part, "Based on my personal and religious beliefs, I strongly object to this, but I have no alternative, due to this advice, but to allow the processing of this permit to move forward."

So let's drink a toast to Commissioner Hyde-Smith for lacking the courage of her antediluvian convictions, or, perhaps, for being inspired to rise above a lifetime of ugly bias and finally do the right thing under penalty of a costly lawsuit.  Cheers!

Gina, however, is a bit torqued off about the whole thing.

Because there is no state law specifically outlawing same-sex "commitment ceremonies," then that means they should be allowed?

Well, how would you disallow it, Gina, since even the Mississippi Attorney General said "The federal courts have clearly said that no state can prohibit any individual from using a state-owned facility to express his or her First Amendment rights."

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2012/08/09/4117594/mississippi-museum-could-allow.html#storylink=cpy

 That is twisted "logic." 

And if we really were living in the Star Trek "Mirror, Mirror" universe you seem to think we are, I bet you could make that argument on Vulcan and it would totally carry the day, assuming the Vulcan Science Council was staffed entirely by SKOAL-dippin', nose pickin' yahoos.

There are probably no state laws specifically outlawing polygamist "commitment ceremonies," either, yet we know they are wrong, period. It is a shameful day when there has to be a law spelling out common-sense, moral truths, or else reprobates will use "legal loopholes" to impose their immoral will on society.

And once the reprobates are permitted to impose their immoral will, it's only a short step to a society in which we are all living beneath the ethical iron heel of the blackguards, the scoundrels, the dastards, and the scalawags, with only the occasional scamp, mountebank, and ne'er-do-well to relieve the tension.

As it turns out, the young women themselves weren't really all that interested in turning their commitment ceremony into a political cause célèbre.  From the newspaper article that got Gina's gall bladder churning out all that surplus gall:

The SPLC had said it would settle for nothing less than the state completely lifting the ban on gay ceremonies.

"Our clients are happy that they will have the opportunity to express their love for one another in front of their family and friends," SPLC lawyer Elissa Johnson said in a statement.

Sturgis told The Associated Press last month she had gone to a friend's wedding at the museum and liked it, so she thought it would be the right place for her and Key to publicly profess their love. She said they're not asking the state to recognize them as a married couple, but they just want to be able to rent the venue for a celebration as a heterosexual couple could. 

 Anyway, back to the Secret Policeman's Gall:

This woman says that homosexual couples will be treated the same as heterosexual couples, and nowadays too many misguided people see nothing wrong with that statement. 

It must be exhausting to perpetually stand athwart history, yelling, "I'm a dick!"

Homosexuality is a sin, and homosexual couples who practice their perverse bedroom behavior bear no relation to the normal, God-ordained marriage between a man and a woman.

I'm sorry, but I think this is unfair.  Let's compare a civil union between two women with the God-ordained marriage of, say, the Rev. Gary Aldridge.  True, the same-sex couple might don fewer wetsuits (it really depends on how many lesbians are big fans of Sea Hunt), while very possibly using an equivalent number of dildos.

 To say the two should be treated "equally" is the epitome of dead-wrong, because there will never be "equality" between sin and truth.

 Hatred and stupidity, however, are still neck and neck.

So, is this just an isolated case of two girls hoping to make their dream day come true? Nope. Let's look at one of the two girls, Ceara Sturgis, who has made herself into a Justin Bieber look-alike. 

Again, I have to cry foul, since it's entirely possible that your anger would be better directed at Justin Bieber for making himself look like a lesbian.

The Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum was an easy target for these homofascist girls and the fascist SPLC.

As Hitler himself might have crowed, "First the Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum, next the Biedenharn Museum of Coca-Cola Memorabilia!"

To the State Agriculture Commission, fighting this insane demand was more trouble than it was worth. The militant homosexual movement wins many of their diabolical battles this way.

That's how you can really tell when you're facing down pure Evil.  The more diabolical a cause, the more likely it is to inspire the forces of Light to rally and, as if with one voice, go "Meh."

Most people, businesses and states do not have the "extra" money set aside to defend against attacks from sodomites seeking to force their depraved will on the American people.

I guess I'm a little depraved myself, because whenever I hear about sodomites seeking to force their will on me, I always imagine something a little more exciting than two nice young women smooching in front of the Bisland Cotton Gin display at the Ag Museum while Aunt Lola tries to figure out how her cell phone camera works.

These girls and the SPLC knew beforehand that the museum did not allow same-sex travesty ceremonies on their property

Although, according to the Museum itself, it's a great place for a birthday party.

so they targeted the museum and set out to dismantle that right-and-proper policy. Militant homosexuals pull this kind of legal thuggery all over the nation. It is a campaign that, if not stopped or at least firmly resisted, will ultimately result in our loss of freedom of speech and expression and freedom of religion. Don't doubt it for a minute.

Oh, I don't, Gina, I don't.  In fact, thanks to the way these girls profaned the Agricultural and Forestry Museum with their love, I doubt I'll ever again be able to look upon the scale model Grist Mill with the same innocent eyes.

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2012/08/09/4117594/mississippi-museum-could-allow.html#storylink=cpy

Greenback Arrow

‎"Okay, Barbara, send in that elderly constituent with the Medicare problem..."

MST3K Meets The Mommy Of The Future

I grew up in a house -- then a condo, then a series of increasingly shabby apartments -- that could best be described as a sort of parental Fail Blog, so I was never much tempted to breed and continue the cycle.  But whether by chance, or because the Universe has a particularly virulent sense of irony, I happen to know a number of exceptionally Cool Moms, and in several of the cases (my sister KT comes to mind), the very coolest of Moms seem to have had the very worst of role models.

I don't know quite what to make of this, and I'm not trying to postulate a Unified Field Theory of Motherhood, I just think it's interesting, and perhaps indicates that the animal handlers at Sea World who train their dolphins, seals, and orcas with food and affection rather than punishment have it wrong, and those embittered high school P.E. coaches who taught us good driving habits by screening 16mm films of gruesome automobile accidents had it right.  In fact, they probably didn't go far enough, and should have turned the Drivers Ed. simulator into a giant Skinner Box.

But I digress.  Cool Moms beget Cool Kids, and my friend Elizabeth is definitely one of the former, while her son Wes is a distinguished example of the latter. A musical prodigy and fashion trendsetter, Wes is preternaturally verbal (but not in a creepy, Children of the Damned sort of way; more in a cocky, Children of the Damn I'm Good! way), and almost as soon as he could talk, he dubbed Elizabeth "Mommy of the Future!" for reasons that were never explained.  (At least, I hope they weren't, and if they were, I hope no one explains it to me, because it remains one of my favorite non sequiturs.)

Anyway, like s.z., I originally bonded with Elizabeth (many, many years ago) over a shared devotion to Mystery Science Theater 3000, so I've been waiting for the day she introduced her child to the series, since I've always wondered if it was hereditary, like Hitchhiker's Thumb, cleft chin, or the congenital syphilis in Ibsen's Ghosts.  As it turns out, the results were more than I could ever have hoped for.  Here's a taste (Wes, at this point, was in first grade):

(Note: THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I’m not proud.)

Ten minutes pass. He comes out. “Mommy? I think the Mike episodes are better.”

“WHAT!?”

I solemnly urge you to click here and read the whole, hilarious thing; I guarantee, you will not regret it.

I mean, come on -- have I ever steered you wrong before?  Except for that one time?  And maybe that other thing?  Besides that?  Never.

And Now For Something Completely Similar

You guys did such a hilarious job responding to Mary's caption challenge for this photo, that I wanted to get in on the action, so I thought I'd ask you to make sense of this one.

I'll get things rolling:

Pioneering African-American ventriloquist Walter J. Fredericks and his dummy, "Silent Cal."

Hag/Man

Sher Zieve, better known as "Shermp, the Blondest Stooge of All" is back, and Wo'C has got her!

Obama reelection insurrection imminent: an interview with Doug Hagmann

I'd prefer Larry Hagman, but as the Stones observed, you don't always get what you want.

Recently, I read Doug Hagmann's column "The planned re-election of Obama, revolutionary style" in which Doug cited a "deep-throat" DHS source. The following interview is a continuation of that column and it is bone-chilling.

If deep-throating chills your bone, perhaps you should just stick to the missionary position.

BIO:

Douglas J. Hagmann is the founder and director of the Northeast Intelligence Network.

They were previously known as the Baker Street Irregulars, until they discovered Metamucil.

Hagmann is a 26-year veteran private investigator who has worked as an operational asset for the U.S. Department of Justice, the FBI, the New York and Pennsylvania State Police. 

Some have even called him "the best snitch since Huggy Bear."

He is the author of Tactical Surveillance, a textbook used for training surveillance operatives.

And was also adapted into the hit film, Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

He is the CEO of a multi-state licensed private investigative agency and a senior columnist for Canada Free Press.

Canada, though rich in natural resources, has failed to practice conservation, overharvesting their once majestic stands of old growth assholes, until they are now forced to import wingnuts from the U.S.  Sad, really...

He's a frequent guest on nationally syndicated radio shows such as Coast to Coast AM with George Noory.

George Noory?!  Really?  Wow!

Wait...Who the hell's Georgy Noory?  Oh, it's this guy...

Noory captivates program listeners with his discussions of paranormal phenomena, time travel, alien abductions, conspiracies and all things curious and unexplained.

I can't speak to his command of forbidden knowledge, or ability to gaze beyond the Veil, but he does have an almost Joseph Farah-like grasp of the intricacies involved in applying Just For Men hair dye.

Joe Hagmann is the associate director of the Northeast Intelligence Network, a veteran researcher and investigator with an insatiable desire for truth.

Sometimes, however, the truth has a headache, and makes Joe sleep on the couch.

Sher: Doug, in your recent and extraordinary column "The Planned Re-Election of Obama, Revolutionary Style"  

That's an election with hand-leafed lettuce, tomato, a mustard cooked beef patty.

...you wrote about the coming plans of the Obama syndicate to install Martial Law in order to forcefully thwart and attack the American people, in order to maintain their jobs.  

I find after-market Martial Law unreliable (often they're installed by unlicensed, fly-by-night syndicates) and when I'm shopping for a new or used nation, I go out of my way to buy one with a junta that comes factory standard.

Your source advises that various false flag attempts could be in the works by Obama's operatives, including perhaps an event to evoke sympathy for Obama that would also serve to foment racial chaos. Would you give us a little background on how your source believes the Obama syndicate might plan to bring this to fruition, perhaps resulting in suspending elections in November?

Oh, and I have a follow-up, although that one's kind of a leading question...

Doug: According to my source, it is the very existence of our country and way of life is at stake. Many people who are currently in positions of power, whether elected or appointed, have the same ideological goals of Barack Hussein Obama.

Hopefully, they have more goals than a soccer game, or things are gonna get boring.

 Like Obama, they want to transform the country, and will use every tactic possible to do so. They believe that under Obama, they finally have the perfect opportunity to implement the socialism-to-communism agenda in America. 

Wait -- so socialism is the baseline?  That's where we started on January 20, 2009?  You know, this is why we shouldn't let the person vetting Vice Presidential candidates choose himself -- otherwise we might have known ahead of time that Dick Cheney was an ardent member of the Fabian Society.

Anyway, socialism has turned out to be a huge disappointment.  I really thought there'd be stronger labor unions and more free love.

They hate, and I mean hate the democratic system of government and loathe capitalism. They are the "red diaper babies" of the 1960's who have gained power through the very process they seek to destroy.

 And they will bring down our republic with the power of diaper rash.  That's why true patriots are stockpiling guns, ammunition, and 55-gallon drums of Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

Sher: It's hard to believe, Doug, but this is almost worse than I believed. 

Nevertheless...

 "I believe in you.."

For the last several years, Obama has ordered military drills, including the military's heavy artillery, in multiple US States and their major cities. A few of these include Los Angeles, New York City, Miami and Boston. I've been writing about these phenomena for the last several years.

Ring!

Lieutenant:  Y'ello!  5th Artillery Battalion, 14th Marines.

Obama:  Hi, this is President Obama.  I'd like to order some military drills.

Lieutenant:  Uh...you mean you want to buy one of our over-priced, Pentagon-sourced Makitas?

Obama:  No, no, I just want you guys to practice...You know, shoot your guns.

Lieutenant:  Oh!  Hm.  I don't know about that, sir.  I mean, we've never actually shot them.

Obama:  No?

Lieutenant:  No.  I mean, we're in Seal Beach, and we're surrounded by pretty dense residential development -- pricey condos, and what-not.  I don't think they'd appreciate the noise.

Obama:  So you guys don't actually fire your artillery...

Lieutenant:  No, we mostly just surf and go to In-N-Out Burger...Say, you weren't planning a coup, or anything, were you?

Obama:  What?  Ha-Ha!  It's so funny you would even think--Uh, I have another call coming in...

Now, Infowars is reporting from Florida's Sun Sentinel that military exercises began again in Hollywood, Florida on 2 August and that unannounced military drills in the middle of that night frightened and awakened Worcester Massachusetts residents.

Their sleep and their sauce was ruined!

Doug: Alex Jones has done a great job in exposing the government's role in conditioning the populace to an ever increasing paramilitary presence on the streets of America. You've done a great job as well. I've spoken to my source about this at length

And he said I was doing a great job.  I don't know what it is, but this topic really just brings out the best in people!

The militarization of municipal law enforcement agencies within the U.S. has been expedited under the reign of Barack Hussein Obama, implemented by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano, and facilitated through bipartisan support of members of the United States Senate and House of Representatives.

Or will be, just as soon as we can find some bipartisan members of the Senate and House of Representatives.  They live in clam shells, right?

It is important for every American to understand that we are witnessing the end game scenario of a takeover from within...The patriotic conservatives in tandem with the Progressives and communist elements within our own government have not only approved of it, they applauded it.

In fact, they clapped until the end game scenario finally agreed to come back out for an encore, throw its sweaty silk scarf into the audience, and sing "Daddy, Don't You Walk So Fast."

A listener to my nightly internet talk show, the Hagmann & Hagmann Report...

Oh, this sounds promising...!

...gnawing on sticks like a beaver.

The Hagmann & Hagmann Report provides viewers and listeners information about current events and historical topics that transcend the political right-left paradigm and delve into the real issues behind the sugar-coated news. This unique, father-son detective duo...addresses many issues once considered mere fodder for “conspiracy theorists,” tracing their roots from the various events that created them through the fabric of history to the present day. 

And their call sign is K-NEIN. It's the rare neo-Nazi trope that's a dog pun and a dog whistle, all rolled into one!

Sher: The breadth and scope of all of these ongoing military "drills": are unprecedented in the United States of America 

Unless you've ever lived near any of the 500 or so military bases in the U.S.

and to many they smack of abject tyranny and Obama's plan to remain in power by whatever means necessary. In fact, in another totally unprecedented move, more and more Russian soldiers have been invited by Obama to US soil to engage in "joint military exercises" with US soldiers.

Relax, Shermp, that's just a euphemism for going out back to smoke a doob.

Sher: Four more years of Obama will be the end of the country and of many of us...Do you see any way to take our country back, other than a real active fighting and bloody second American Revolution?

Doug: There is something terribly wrong in America. People can feel it, they can sense it, and are now beginning to see "it." 

Our traditional values are being subverted by flappers!

"I'm taking you down, bitches!"

 Some say that "it" began decades ago, with the establishment of the Federal Reserve and the fiat monetary system.

But those were two events, so I actually think "it" was "them."

 Others suggest that "it" began when we, as a nation, removed God from our schools and legalized the wholesale killing of unborn babies.

Still others suggest that it began when we, as a nation, allowed women to smoke and drive flivvers.

Dr. Mike, Professor of Bitchology

Hey, let's check in with Professor Dr. Mike S. Adams, Ph.D, shall we, and see which imaginary lesbian he's sword-fighting with this week.

Expel Brice Horton

Ah, it appears he's gone on a holy war against a student at his own school for speaking out against Chick-Fil-A.  I sometimes wonder what it's like being in Dr. Professor Mike's class...

"All right, that's it for today.  Read chapter 13 in Modern Trends in Criminology for Monday -- Oh, and remember, I'll be in my office Wednesday, and I'll be declaring fatwas against you on Tuesday, but not Thursday..."

Note: This column contains language that may be unsuitable for some readers, especially thin-skinned homosexual activists and hypocritical bigots.

So Dr. Mike has managed to write a column that is unsuitable for himself (I'd tell you which of the two groups he falls into, but I've been asked by the producers not to reveal the incredible secret of The Frying Game).

The faux outrage over Chick-fil-a's stance on gay marriage has moved to my little campus of UNCW, which stands for the University of North Carolina – We Teach Students to be B*tchy Little Bigots. 

DR. MIKE:  (Shouting from the podium)  Where did you learn to be such a bitchy little bigot?!

STUDENT:  (Weeping)  From you, alright?  I learned it from watching you!

And no student has elevated bitchiness to a Zen art quite like Brice Horton. He recently decided to take action to get Chick-fil-a removed from the university food court because he has to have all of his meals prepared by people who approve of homosexual sodomy. 

Dr. Mike, on the other hand, insists that his all-breast meat chickenwiches be personally deep-fried by hetero furries.

And apparently, he can’t just choose to eat elsewhere.

Or he was making some kind of political statement.  Kind of like the time Dr. Mike drilled holes in the skulls of kittens on the steps of the UNCW Women's Center to protest PETA's refusal to outlaw abortion, or that time he made smoothies out of fetuses and served them to the African-American residents of a housing project to protest their opening a community garden instead of outlawing abortion, except Mr. Horton's protest occurred in four dimensional space, rather than Dr. Mike's two dimensional head.

Horton has confessed to his bigotry - admitting he's contacted Aramark, the company that handles all of the food choices at UNCW. 

That seems like two separate things, actually...

CUSTOMER:  I'd like to register a complaint.

COMPLAINT DEPT. MANAGER:  Certainly, sir, that's why we're here.

CUSTOMER:  Well, I was double-charged for --

COMPLAINT DEPT. MANAGER:  Ah-HA!  So you ADMIT your bigotry!

For the record, I am assuming that food preferences, like sexual practices, are determined by choice, not by genetics.

Just like I chose to be allergic to strawberries.  And believe me, with the tempting variety of ways one can suffer anaphylactic shock these days, it was not an easy choice (I nearly went with the peanut allergy, but ultimately I felt that had become a bit too cliché).

UNCW released a statement just a couple of days after Horton waged his jihad against freedom of religion and diversity of food choice.

 It's this kind of crusade against religious freedom and diversity of food choice that has tragically prevented the Catholic church from offering communion wafers in Spicy Chipotle and Cool Ranch flavors.

UNCW announced that Chick-fil-a will remain on campus. It must have been gut-wrenching for UNCW to make a correct common-sense decision. But even a broken clock is right twice a day.

tenure [ten-yer] noun.  The ability to bitch about your employers and customers on the internet without fear of getting fired.

Anyway, while the story had a happy ending from Dr. Mike's perspective, that wasn't good enough:

Although correct, the reason UNCW gave for the decision, as quoted by local television station WECT, is disturbing. They were quoted as saying that the management and employees at the Chick-fil-a location at UNCW are Aramark employees who "fully adhere to the diversity and inclusion principles specified by Aramark and UNCW."

In other words, the university appears to have taken the time to investigate the Aramark employees in order to see whether they had the right (that means left) values needed to remain on campus. 

Or UNCW called Aramark, which runs the concessions, asked if they're in compliance with school policy, got an affirmative response, then issued some soothing PR bullshit so people didn't clog up the food court with picket signs.  And the thing is, Aramark, unlike Chick-Fil-A, probably does believe in diversity.  After all, if you check their website, you learn that:

ARAMARK has consistently ranked since 1998 as one of the top three most admired companies in its industry as evaluated by peers and analysts. Also in 2012, ARAMARK was honored as one of the World’s Most Ethical Companies by the Ethisphere Institute. 

They're also been honored as the World's Most Unifying Company by the Flushing Meadows Unisphere.

What happened to our commitment to diversity of opinion? It is worth noting that there is no indication that UNCW investigated Brice Horton to see whether he “adheres to the diversity and inclusion principles” needed to remain on campus. Obviously, he does not.

I don't know whether Brice had to take out a student loan to pay for his education at the University of North Carolina-Wilmington, but he's certainly getting his moneys worth.  While some state schools are trimming budgets, and cutting programs such as extracurricular activities, library hours, and Teachers Assistants, UNCW continues to provide each student with his own faculty stalker.

Anyway, Brice's crime against diversity was to email a food service and facilities management company:

WILMINGTON, NC (WECT) - The national outrage over Chick-fil-a's stance on gay marriage has moved to the local campus of UNCW.

Student, Brice Horton has taken action to get the restaurant removed from the school.

Horton says he's contacted Aramark, the company that handles food concessions at UNCW. "At this time the university and Aramark are reviewing the situation and receiving feedback from the Student Government Association and other organizations on this issue," explained Horton

It's like the French Revolution, except worse, because Robespierre's bloody Reign of Terror never threatened to deprive the citizenry of their delicious drive-thru coq a vin.

The entire incident shows that UNCW is willing to investigate people to determine whether they should be excluded in order to promote inclusion. This could not get more Orwellian, could it?

If your panties are particularly prone to twisting, I guess not.  Otherwise, it kinda strikes me as  Oh-wellian.

Yes it could. The entire statement issued by UNCW is worth reading:

It's actually not, unless you're a fan of press release boilerplate.  But by all means, feel free to click on through; if nothing else, it'll make your company's employee handbook sound a Jackie Collins novel.

Did everyone catch that? UNCW will respect speech even if “that speech goes against our values.” What are UNCW’s collective values? More specifically, what speech did Chick-fil-a express that goes against UNCW’s collective values? Is UNCW saying that it supports same-sex marriage? If not, why do they seem to be distancing themselves from Chick-fil-a while “allowing” them to remain on campus?

Seriously, it's like his underpants are self-wadding.  You could starch 'em, iron 'em, but ten seconds after he puts them on, they're twisted like a Twizzler.

If I were UNCW Chancellor Gary Miller, I would do three things immediately. First, I would clarify UNCW’s stance on same-sex marriage, which had better be one of neutrality. Second, I would fire the incompetent who wrote the Chick-fil-a press release. Finally, I would expel Brice Horton immediately.

I would also complain to the referee that my underpants had me in a Tongan Death Grip, which is an illegal choke-hold in North Carolina.  Failing that, I would tap out.

Of course, the moral case for expelling Brice Horton has nothing to do with his beliefs about same-sex marriage. It has everything to do with his lack of emotional maturity.

And if you don't believe me, I have lots of other damning examples in the Brice Horton Slam Book I keep in my locker.

 If we don’t get this kid off campus, he might encounter other ideas that might cause him to lose his composure. He might throw another hissy fit, which would lead others to say that gay activists are nothing more than emotionally inferior lunatics. Such speech would promote stereotypes. And that’s the kind of speech that goes against our collective values.

Adopting Ouroboros as your coat of arms is one thing, but by this point in the post, Dr. Professor Mike's head is so far up his ass that he's run into the spelunking ladies from the 2005 horror film, The Descent, asked them out on a date, and been turned down because -- nothing personal -- but the cave-dwelling monsters have better personalities and fewer impulse control issues.

We'll be winding up our beg-a-thon shortly, so you can throw a little spare change in the cup, please click on the button at the top left, or email me for our snail mail address.  Thanks.