We're going to keep the Beg-A-Thon going for a few more days, so if you can spare a little bit, please click on the button at the top left. Or, if you are non-Pals with Mr. Pay, email me at scott.clevenger - at - gmail.com and I'll send you our snail mail address.
Now, as most of you probably know, this blog is a sort of Superfund site for search engines. In other words, a not insignificant amount of people who wind up here do so because they typed a desperate, creatively spelled query, which caused Google or Bing to say "Ew!" and drop them, like a flaming bag of dog doo, onto our doorstep.
"I wanna know about Hitler Pee!"
As a result, checking our referrer logs for plaintive questions and attempting to address them on air used to be a regular Saturday feature around here, and I thought it was about time to revive it. But I freely confess that I'm no Shell Answer Man, so as usual, I'll need your help, because some of these are real puzzlers.
1. Peter scolari erection crème: Although Scolari's career didn't follow the same meteoric path as his Bosom Buddies co-star, he's worked steadily in TV since; more to the point, his lower profile in the entertainment industry has allowed him to devote increased time and resources to the burgeoning field of celebrity-endorsed erection ointments. Now, I'm the first to admit, Tom Hanks makes a quality boner cream, but I personally believe it's overpriced for what you get, and Peter Scolari's product is far more luxurious, as one can easily tell from the fancy accent grave over the e.
2. cows doing pupu: After the decline of the "Polynesian" craze of the 50s and 60s, the classic "pupu platter" fell into disfavor with most American diners. But recently, several head of entrepreneurial cattle have opened restaurants in the style of Don the Beachcomber and Trader Vic's which feature this venerable appetizer tray. Most of the cows claim they are simply job creating small business bovines looking to take advantage of a renewed interest in so-called "Tiki culture," while others will admit they'd like to help steer national eating habits toward healthier fare like poultry and seafood in order to reduce the incidence of Type II Diabetes, and the chance that they'll get hit in the head with a poleaxe.
3. Real Witches Ball Drew: Well, Drew's a nice enough-looking guy, but I still think the Coven should consider diversifying its initiation ritual. I mean, this is the exact same one the Masons use.
4. "how do I become a lesbian": The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, honey. Practice, practice, practice.
5. kiss on balcony replaces bloody sheets: And it was precisely this change in housekeeping procedures that made me rethink my policy about never staying at a Courtyard By Marriott.
6. can you swim with the removable instant brows: Let's ask the man who owns one!
7. fanfiction diaper: I've come across some unexpected and ill-considered fan-fic in my time, most of it not very erotic (except for the Holmes and Yo-Yo slash. That stuff is so hot you've gotta read it with oven mitts). But even I'm surprised to learn that people are writing adult fan fiction about Senator David Vitter.
8. traps turning perfectly straight guys into homosexuals: This is a very real problem, Googler, and I hope you haven't fallen into one yourself, because homosexuals are extremely organized and energetic, and lay these traps everywhere. For instance, on Friday it was discovered that Gays had managed to sneak into a factory in Georgia and contaminate Chick-fil-A Sauce with chemicals that fill one with an unholy passion for the same sex. Fortunately, most of the tainted packages were immediately removed from franchise shelves, so if you didn't eat at a Chick-fil-A any time this week, you should be fine.
9. World worse porn country: Experts agree that the worst porn in the world comes from Marlborough Country, because the actors constantly pause during oral sex to cough up a lung oyster.
10. cat my brain aches: To which cat can only respond...
Phew! My brain also aches, but there are still a few burning bonus questions in the referrer logs, so I was wondering if I could pass the Talking Stick and ask you guys to field them in comments?
11. Most wonderful gun in the world
12. Battlefield earth crotch
13. Why did dennis prager divorce
14. braless 70's films
15. hand symbolism homosexual