Someone left a copy of New York Magazine at the unemployment office back in early November 2011. Unfortunately the crossword puzzle page had been ripped. As a consolation prize we were treated to a feature article regarding a certain former New York Times reporter, Judith Miller.
According to the celebrity profile, Judy is still shopping around that blockbuster tell-all book despite the fact that no legitimate publisher will cut her an advance. Also, Judy has switched her martini formula from gin to vodka. At home, perched before her laptop and typing away on a purloined copy of Microsoft Word, she’s probably just drinking the gin straight out of the Tanqueray bottle with few embellishments. Because Judith Miller is now blogging for Newsmax.
Warning: Judy is just plain dull. Her style is turgid and constipating. I feared Judy was not stupid enough for “World ’O Crap” readers. Then found this article, “The Many Talents of Gen. Petraeus.”
“David Petraeus spent his first day out of uniform doing something he rarely did during the last few years of his 37-year military career: He took the entire day off. He also escorted his sainted wife, Holly, a veteran of 23 moves during his army career, out to dinner. In fact, he’s taking the rest of the week off too, straight through Labor Day.”
I’m unaware of Saint Holly’s ordination but dammit I want one of those graven images for my dashboard. She’s the patron saint of moving. The boxes! The crumpled newspaper! The lost receipts!
“Except, of course, for the daily briefings he’s been getting for the last month. Those will continue. So, too, will the “prep sessions” he has been holding to prepare for his swearing-in and first meetings next Tuesday as the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency.
“Welcome to what newly retired, four-star general David Petraeus calls downtime. If Wednesday’s literally star-studded retirement ceremony focused mostly on the past, Labor Day weekend is all about the future.”
Nice to know being briefed-in as Director of our nation’s premier intelligence agency is considered “downtime.” Maybe they kicked-back with a bowl of Doritos, a six-pack of 16 oz. Bud Lites and talked about Valerie.
And Judy, doesn’t the future of Labor Day weekend mean the retirement of white trousers and, if you are a lady, white pumps? Let’s continue, because I must know which stars actually literally studded this retirement ceremony.
“For Petraeus, life is all about staying in the fight. His career is hardly ending; it’s morphing, his battle ground shifting. But his many wars — boots-on-the-ground and bureaucratic — are destined to continue. He knows that his greatest challenges may lie ahead.
Where are the celebrities? How long do we have to go on reading this crap before we get to the celebs? Except Judy Miller there aren’t any present. What a lost opportunity, Judy. You suck.
There’s more. Let’s transit over to another Judy Miller Newsmax feature. Whether fueled by Tanqueray or Old Mr. Boston, I’m not entirely sure. You decide:
“If you want to understand why the jihadist movement is losing its appeal, consider the body bomb. Reports surfaced last week that al-Qaida has been considering trying to slip a suicide bomber through airport security by surgically implanting explosives in the prospective martyr’s belly, rectum or breast. Yes, women can be homicidal maniacs, too.”
I agree. Women can be potential homicidal maniacs. Particularly in the employ of the military-industrial complex and fully-rigged with half-assed association with prominent world media in addition to DoD security clearance of dubious origins.
“The generic belly bomb has been the talk of the intelligence community since August 2009 when Ibrahim Asiri, the infamous, inventive al-Qaida in the Arabian Peninsula bomb maker now living in Yemen, planted an explosive device on his 23-year-old brother Abdullah for a suicide mission. When that failed, he recruited another would-be martyr, Mohammed al Awfi, a former Guantanamo Bay inmate who nearly killed Saudi Deputy Interior Minister Prince Mohammed bin Nayef, who heads the kingdom’s counterterrorism effort.”
Maybe Abdullah opted for the two-piece knit Chanel and plastique flats. Judy, please, now that you have our interest, where exactly was this bomb implanted? I’m not expecting any celebrities this time.
“Initial reports said that Asiri had planted the bomb inside al Awfi’s rectum. But Anthony Kimery, a veteran analyst and editor of Homeland Security Today, reported soon after the incident that Asiri had planted from 100 grams to 1 pound of explosives (expert opinions vary) not in the bomber’s rectum but in his underwear, which he assumed (correctly) Saudi security would not check.”
Anthony Kimery conducted a thorough physical examination of al Awfi. He found the other glove. That’s about it.
Judy, I’m very disappointed with you. There I was, sitting in the unemployment office all by myself, with nothing but an abandoned copy of New York Magazine to console me. Then I thought I might get a gig blogging about your Newsmax columns for a reputable snarky website. But your copy is as stale as Scooter’s old voice-mails. Have you lost your edge? Is something wrong? Judy, I’m very depressed. Please contact me asap.