Confirmed bachelor and flower of Southern manhood
Lindsey Graham is already measuring drapes for the White House and making plans to host state dinners with the most matronly escorts he can hire:
Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating first lady.”
“Well, I’ve got a sister. She could play that role if necessary,” the 59-year-old South Carolinian presidential hopeful told the Daily Mail Online in an interview published Tuesday. “I’ve got a lot of friends. We’ll have a rotating first lady,” he added.
Now a rotating hostess may be fine for the
Colgate Comedy Hour, or the Denny's lunch shift, but I believe a President needs to be a bit more aspirational when it comes to his better half, even if she is just casual labor. So instead of a rotating first lady, I propose a rotisserie first lady league, in which all of our fantasy picks get a chance to plant Victory gardens on the South Lawn and redecorate the Vermeil Room.
So get your brackets ready. There's bragging rights and a coupon good for One Free Appetizer with Entree at the Red Lobster at stake, plus the deep, patriotic satisfaction you'll gain from serving your country. I'll get things started:
1. Dolley Madison. Not only can Dolley boast a distinguished tenure as First Lady, she also has experience as a Pinch First Lady, having played the hostess role for widowed President Thomas Jefferson while her husband James Madison was Secretary of State. Dolley was the first Presidential wife to adopt a cause, raising funds for an orphanage; the first to host an inaugural ball; and the first to popularize turbans for women, for which Norma Desmond will always be grateful. And though Lindsey occasionally glorifies his stint as an Air Force lawyer, Dolley actually served in a war zone, famously overseeing the evacuation of national treasures from the White House, shortly before it was burned by the British during the War of 1812. After the death of her husband, Dolley was "awarded an honorary seat in Congress," from which she could observe debates, but not propose legislation or vote, making her at least as useful as John Boehner. Plus, I'm Koo Koo for her Pupcakes, if you know what I mean.
2. Aaron Shock. Presidentin' is hard, so a little eye candy never hurts. But Aaron brings more than a toothsome physique to the role of Day Labor First Lady. Like Lindsey, Shock served in Congress, so they have similar backgrounds and work experience, which will likely ease the transition into pillow talk. And since Aaron is best known for redecorating his Capitol office in a lavish recreation of Downton Abbey, Lindsey could set him loose on the drearier rooms of the White House, content that Aaron will rise to the challenge and become this generation's Jackie Kennedy.
3. Beyoncé. This seems like a no-brainer to me, since everyone likes Beyoncé and nobody likes Lindsey, making the opportunities, let alone the need, for synergy seem obvious. Like Lindsey, she hails from the South, so they can trade recipes for Pecan Tassies and drop peanuts in each other's Cokes, or whatever it is Southerners do when the reality show cameras are off. Like Lindsey, Beyoncé is a registered Republican, but unlike the Senator she's a self-made woman, so she can probably teach him a thing or two about how the private sector works. She could also teach him that "Single Ladies" dance, which would go over gangbusters at the White House Correspondents Dinner (at least better than Lindsey's original idea of hauling a woodpile onstage and pretending to search it for muslims).
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'Nuff said.
UPDATE from s.z.:
"Remember Jeff Gannon? I think he would love getting back in the White House, and he does have experience as an escort."
So who's on your Roti Team Roster?
