Monday, November 11, 2013

Dear Wally

You may remember World O' Crap Mystery Correspondent "Wally" from this post on alleged lifeform Ted Nugent.  Well, he's back (Wally, that is, not Ted), this time with an advice column, which we're hoping will become a regular feature around here because frankly, the Washington Post's Carolyn Hax just ain't cutting it.
Dear Wally,

I'm having a heck of a time personalizing and organizing the personal organization apps on my smartphone.

I'm also having problems with “butt-dialing” people with whom I'm not acquainted.

What would you suggest?

Gobsmaked in Galveston

Dear Gobsmaked,

I suggest you check the yellow pages for assisted living facilities near you specializing in focused care for the technically spare. You'll be doing yourself and your friends (not to mention wrong numbers) a big favor.

Tough it out son,
“The Wall”

Dear Wally,

My doctor prescribed a new antidepressant a month ago and I've been feeling terrific. 

My problem – I feel so enlightened that at times feel guilty at work or at home. Everyone, including my wife and kids seems to act like they are sedated.

What do you think?
Elevated in Elk Grove

Dear Elevated,

You most likely grew up in an environment that instilled guilt for feeling good about feeling good about yourself. 

Wally suggests you travel to the nearest red-light district in a metropolitan area nearby. Seek out a scummy dive bar, belly up and get stinking pissed. After you are rolled by prostitutes and wake up in a ditch with no money, no watch and an Anacin anvil pounding your head you will feel quintessentially horrible. As a result you will fit in more at home with your family and also with co-workers.

Don't forget to double-up on the dose of your antidepressant before venturing out as it will provide a more energizing motif to your adventure.


Dear Wally,

I've had a microchip installed in my brain by Darrel F. Zanuck since the mid-seventies. Since then I've been living on people's door-stoops and begging for food. 

I'm getting tired of being homeless. That's why I'm writing to you, Wally. I know you can help. 

Yours Truly,
Fubar in Flemington

Dear Fubar,

Is your microchip equipped with TC/ICP and internet access? There are plenty of public spaces equipped with wi-fi in Flemington and surely you could take advantage of technology to get you pointed to a comeback situation. 

Just stay on the bus until you hit the sweet spots. The microchip ought to vibrate somewhat if you hit a resonant frequency. Wally knows, my chip was installed back in the late 50s.

Cognitively yours,
Cleaver's first born

Wally wants to help. Send your questions to “” and clearly state your question in the subject line.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

And perhaps in Ted's circumstances satellite phones, night-vision goggles, a portable crystal meth laboratory and a full detail of bodyguards vis a vis Blackwater (or whatever they call themselves these days).

Dear Wally.

What the hell are they calling themselves these days?

Wally said...

Dear ifthethunderdontgetya(tm et. al.),

Blackwater have achieved many corporate identities. Here's a useful link:


Scott said...

Oh, I thought Blackwater had changed its name to Xe or Xuxa, or something like that, and transitioned from mercenary guns-for-hire in the Middle East to the more lucrative and fabulous children's entertainment industry in South America.

Wally said...

Scott, please define "children's entertainment" in this context. You know, the "Beve" had some situations where he thought he couldn't back out of until the cast came to his aid.

Wally said...

Beaver had negligent "rentier" parents.

Dr.BDH said...

I see now why Wally's nickname was "Wolverine."

Carl said...

Wally, I like the cut of your jib.

How should I handle the drunk uncle, or drunkle, that will be showing up uninvited for Thanksnakkah dinner?

Chris Vosburg said...

In watching "Leave it to Beaver" (leave what to Beaver?), I was always a little amused at just how terrified the Cleaver boys were of their father. I mean, 90% of the jams they got into were all about trying to remedy a ridiculous decision they'd made "before Dad finds out and clobbers us." I wonder if Ward liked to beat them with the belt or just a rolled up newspaper.

The show petered out, as so many did, after a disastrous attempt to leave the monochrome fifties. I think Wally did "the Twist" in one of the final eps, and the Beav clumsily attempted to talk to girls at cotillion, and both boys failed mightily at their respective attempts. Sad, really.

No surprise that the boys grew up, as we learned in the sequel TeeVeeMovie, to be monumentally stupid and still naive as all get out. Nice work, Ward!

trashfire said...

Dear Carl,
I've often found the solution to a tricky family problem in a favorite old movie. Those Hollywood producers sure understood family dynamics, didn't they? Way better than Dr. Philbert, anyhow. My recommendation is that you watch "Scent of a Woman" again, and pay close attention to the Thanksgiving dinner scene. Hoo-rah!

Carl said...

Thanks, Mr Eye! Our usual solution is the "Alice's Restaurant Massacre" but the NYPD frowns upon trash dumping in Central Park

Wally said...

Dear Carl,

Interesting comment and an anticipated subject of next column. How annoying is your "drunkle?" This is important since advice in these matters varies depending on the level of obnoxiousness.

Carl said...

Well, most of the time he's just a slobbering pile of stale vomit and mustard stains, until the third or fourth bottle of MY WINE at which point he becomes loud, abrasive and starts making googly eyes at my adult daughter.

This we can handle with a dose of saltpeter in the fifth bottle of wine. It's when he starts to strip in the street and yells "I'M A TREE! I'M A HUGE SYCAMORE!" that we get alarmed.

Wally said...

Dear Carl,

This is an all-too-familiar complaint and while my heart goes out to you, do consider the fact that many families abandon their insane relatives in times of stress.

Since you are accommodating to some extent and do invite the guy over for the holiday, have you thought of entertaining his fantasy re: trees? Do you have a backyard? Wally suggests you buy or borrow some post-hole diggers and create a trench about the depth of his knees. Then you can plant your uncle in back for the night. Entertain his delusion with occasional watering and ranking. He'll be happier and so will will you.

Hope this helps,

Kathy said...

How should I handle the drunk uncle, or drunkle, that will be showing up uninvited for Thanksnakkah dinner?

Roofies? Sometimes its ok to use evil if the goal is a Good one. Well, alright already, maybe not, but so what? If you don't have a roofie, try giving him a couple of pink "ex lax"- tell him its a new M&M. Make sure you have 2 bathrooms with working toilets first.

Carl said...

*snapping fingrs*

Planting him! That's brilliant!

But I'm worried. He's tall. He might climb out. Perhaps a deeper hole, say, six feet? One he can lie down in if he feels dizzy?

acrannymint said...

In watching "Leave it to Beaver" (leave what to Beaver?), I was always a little amused at just how terrified the Cleaver boys were of their father.
Well per the MS3TK commentary of the Mole People,
Ward got back