Happy Birthday, KWillow! I Got You a Gross Listicle!

Well, this one is late, but it's still officially the 18th for another fifteen minutes, so I'm hoping to get off on a technicality. Anyway, today is the natal anniversary of one of our favorite people -- the kind, witty, and cat-worthy KWillow -- and in her honor, I went where I usually fear to tread these days: the referrer logs which list the Google search strings bringing people to World O' Crap. Here are the Top Ten (Mostly Not Pornographic) ones...

1.)  images of cat dander: If TV was honest with us, this would probably be the climatic moment in any given police procedural. "There! Zoom in! Enhance...Enhance...Enhance!...Yep. Just as I thought...The cat did it."

2.) codpiece ballet: I'm sure you recognize this lovely melody as "A Stranger in Paradise". But did you know that the original theme is from "The Magic Dance Belt of Prince Igor" by Borodin?

3.) inflatable bat inflation: As Halloween approaches, we're all feeling the pinch at that pop-up stop in the former sprinkler fitting warehouse on the frontage road that runs along State Highway 31, as the prices for pneumatic pumpkins and blow-up bats has skyrocketed! Well phooey on that. I'm just gluing eight pipe cleaners to a plastic L'Eggs pantyhose egg and calling it a tarantula and a night.

4.) hitler campaign poster: Let's face it, Trump may get indicted or impeached before the next Presidential election (I mean don't get your hopes up, but it's possible). But the Republican National Committee is on the job, and is already focus-testing some very experienced candidates.

5.) it’s only rock and roll but i like it gay bear: This seems to be a trend, with Hanna Barbera stalwart Snagglepuss being rebooted by DC Comics as...well, I'll let them explain it:

"Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles, written by Mark Russell with art by Mike Feenan, presents Snagglepuss as a gay Southern playwright in the style of Tennessee Williams.

"“Snagglepuss in this story is having to live a double life as a gay playwright living in New York, and he's closeted,” Russell explains. “But he has values and integrity as an artist, and he's trying to stand up for people who otherwise would be shoved under the stairs in this time of great national paranoia in the Red Scare mentality."

I know what you're thinking, but this is true. I learned it via Ivan of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear, who, as Doghouse Riley used to say, is "the last honest man on the Internet".

So my theory is, Question #5 means that somebody is rebooting the William Friedkin film, Cruising, with Yogi Bear in the Al Pacino role.

6.) Arthur batanides nude: I thought about it. I really did. But for all our sakes...no. Just...No.

7. slim big ass: This is probably what Slim Goodbody calls himself in the mirror on days when he's feeling depressed and fat.

8. ruth buzzi nude pics: Stop it! Stop it STOP IT STOP IT!

9. gut bondage: Also known as "tied-up tripe" or BDSM - Bondage Discipline Sadism and Menudo. I mean Slim's gotta do something with his large intestine when he's not prancing around, singing about the trip your food takes on its way to your anus.

10. naked gold glamour wallpapers: I'll take "Things Liberace Would Pick From the Lowes Wallcovering Swatch Book" for 200, Alex.

Please join me in wishing KWillow a very happy birthday. And to make it official, here's a...

Sexy Birthday Lizard! Apparently delivering one of the Fifty Great Monologues For Young Actors.

Happy Birthday, Weird Dave! The Ten Weird Questions Edition

As you can tell from the title, which is a blabbermouth and a vicious gossip and always spoils the surprise, today is the natal anniversary of Weird Dave, a valued and respected member of the World O' Crap community for many, many years, and also one of our most prominent nudists.

So what do you say -- let's bring out the cake!  However, in order to maintain his svelte profile, I'm sure Dave eschews sugary desserts, so instead we've replaced the traditional birthday pastry with this tempting terrine of garden vegetables:

Mmm!  I'm sorry we don't have any candles, but the heat would melt the cake's gelatinous outer layer.

Now since it's the weekend, when we normally do this kind of thing, and since Dave is out and proud about his Weirdness, I thought I would cull some of the odder Google searches that have brought people to Wo'C lately and try to answer them, since Google, by virtue of the fact they led the questioners here, did a piss-poor job of it.  Feel free to play along at home...

1.  fence made of severed body parts: I'll take "Donald Trump's Border Security Solutions" for $200, Alex.

2.  dykes hug: Dear Sir, we are in receipt of your "super hot, but politically correct lesbian erotica" and regret to say it does not meet our present needs...

3.  kale shit morons idiots: Well, this being Hollywood, I know plenty of morons and idiots who shit kale, so it seems fair. Circle of life an' all.

4.  "kurt schlichter" “asshole”: Why do I suspect this is how even Kurt Schlichter Googles his own name.

5.  nude pix of ruth buzzi nude: We're not here to judge, Googler, but maybe you could calm down a little? One "nude" should be enough to uncover the photos, or summon the devil, or whatever it is you're trying to do here.

6.  hot love on a welding table - big mild...: This one is kind of a conundrum, since any love on a welding table is, by definition, hot love, while "big mild" sounds like ad copy for some bold but smooth brand of tobacco, so I guess what they're saying here is: Intercourse on a welding table is so hot -- despite the risk of sparks setting your pubic hair on fire -- that afterwards you're really gonna need a cigarette.

7.  inflatable skunk: RealDolls® have been a healing salve for the sexual frustrations of single men with lots of disposable income, while working class bachelors with paltry cash reserves but large, untapped reservoirs of semen may avail themselves of the latex touch of Blow-Up Wanda.  But what about the Furries?  Sure, there's Build-A-Bear, but despite years of disappointed Yelp reviews, they still fail to offer adequate genitalia options. Plus you have to make the bear's sexy costumes yourself, because B-A-B's designers are all prudes. So when you think about it, is a pneumatic skunk with an O-face really all that much to ask?

8.  satanic blasphemous sissy hypnosis: So, that's how gay marriage is going to destroy straight marriage! It all makes sense now....!  You show up at your gay friend's wedding, all set to have a good cry and do the Chicken Dance, but instead of a minister or a justice of the peace there's some weirdo in a hooded black robe standing in front of a statue of Baphomet; he lights some black candles, passes around a chalice of goat's blood, mumbles some mumbo-jumbo, and the next thing you know, you're stumbling out of the Courtyard By Marriott banquet room looking to swap spit and exchange rings with the first dude you see!

9.  chained mussels men movie: Hey guys! It’s that bi-valve BDSM porn we’ve been looking for!

10. i love ted nugent: This doesn't really come as a surprise; after all, somebody married Charles Manson.

And that concludes our broadcasting day. But a party wouldn't be a party without a little cheesecake to make up for whatever the hell that thing was at the top of the post. So, since Weird Dave -- as anyone who's seen his avatar can tell you -- is a known nude frolicker, we present Jean Harlow, who was not opposed to the occasional clothing optional idyl herself:

From Complicated Women: Sex and Power in Pre-Code Hollywood, "With Garbo, sex was a sacrament. With Shearer, sex was emancipation. With Crawford, sex was a commodity. With Harlow sex was just sex, and that’s refreshing. She had a beautiful body, and didn’t mind showing it. When Harlow wore a dress, the dress wanted to come off. Biographer David Stern reports that, with the cameras running for the rain barrel scene in Red Dust, Harlow stood up, topless, and shouted, “Something for the boys in the lab!”

And now here's someone who also enjoys frolicking naked in the desert:

Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Happy birthday, Weird Dave. Thanks for continuing to bring your flapping, sun-burnt body parts to World O' Crap.

Happy Birthday, KWillow! I Got You Ten Icky Things!

Today is the natal anniversary of the delightful and much beloved KWillow, Doctor Who aficionado, charmingly acerbic commenter, and friend to all animals, both human and the better kind -- and one of our very favorite people around here. In her honor, I went through the Google search strings bringing people to World O' Crap with the intention of answering a few, but I have to say...it's gotten really pervy in our referrer logs.  I mean, the questions used to be pretty straightforward ("how do I become a lesbian": The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, honey. Practice, practice, practice), but lately they've veered increasingly toward the outré and fetishy. And by posting them here, I'm only going to encourage that dark and disturbing trend.

Oh well.

The Top Ten Google Search Strings Bringing People to World O' Crap:

1. mantis eating each other: Apparently, here at the Mouseketeer Clubhouse, it’s “Test Rule 34 Day."
2. smurf vagina:  I assume this is the female equivalent of "blue balls."
3. constructivism is bullshit:  I refuse to even engage with this bourgeois reactionary whose counter-revolutionary ideas threaten the very foundation of our non-autonomous art movement.
4. film with hovering ugandians: That would be the prescient Danish dystopian art film It's All About Love, which argued -- in 2003! -- that battling Ebola with flight restrictions is pointless, because Africans are super buoyant and will just float over here under their own power.
5. sweet smell in attic bats: This may be the worst impostor fragrance idea I've ever heard.
6. hunky sexy pastor: I see Doug Giles has been doing a bit of auto-Googling again.
7. mel gibson braveheart tits: Colloquially known as "McMoobs."
8. mens beefy anus: I see the FDA is making even the title character of NBC's Hannibal disclose what he puts in his hotdogs.
9. squinty dick: Um, I'll take "What a Pirate Nicknames His Genitals" for 200, Alex.
10. the barbershop enemas: If you've never had a quartet of male nurses serenading you in close-harmony as they give you a pre-operative high-colonic, then you haven't begun to experience all the wonders Obamacare offers.

And now, please join me in wishing KWillow the happiest of birthdays and the manyest of returns.

Sexy Birthday Lizard! (Because that's a thoughtful, even contemplative face, and smart is sexy)

[Also, if you have a moment, drop by this thread and tell us which crappy horror film you'd like to see given the Better Living Through Bad Movies treatment for Halloween]

Top Ten Google Searches

I'm attempting to work my way through an incredibly painful movie at the moment (two words: Stephen Baldwin), and looking for any excuse to put the thing on pause; so I thought I'd check through the referrer logs and see what search strings had been bringing people to World O' Crap lately:

1. he yelled stop sex tube: Meanwhile, in the midnight hour, she cried more, more more. Finally, we had to call the manager.

2.  miley cyrus thicke erection: I already know way more about Miley Cyrus that I ever wanted to, and yet, oddly, I still can't speak to her girth.

3. amancipation approxipation: Go home, Abe Lincoln. You’re drunk.

4.  court jester face: When your "O Face" isn't enough, add motley and a cap with jingly bells to really make your orgasm convincing.

5.  milf in clear bath water: Man, Starkist is really cutting corners. I remember when milfs were canned in spring water like albacore.

6. nazi posters that make people vote: Fox News continues searching for that one effective gimmick to mobilize the base.

7. naked chick looking into fridge: where she will presumably find her dead superhero boyfriend. Don't you just hate that old comic book trope?

8.  Two consecutive search keywords:
      a.  monster horse cock in ass
      b.  super large shoehorn
Yahoo! Answers comes through again!

9.  inflatable pony: Because it's lonely being a Bronie.

10.  handjob in curlers: Yeah, Honey, thanks for going all out on my birthday.

Google Backwash!

A lot of people despise and mistrust Google, but I happen to think that as soulless, potentially world-ending technologies go, it's pretty good-natured and accommodating.  Oh, certainly, it has its problematic side, but if millions of people pestered me with stupid questions a billion times a day, I'd be even more snappish than I am now, and nobody needs that.  Also, they don't employ that annoying hipster guy from those "Bing It On Challenge" commercials.  But there are some topics Google just prefers not to get into -- issues such as Hitler pee, artificial eyebrows, and the heartbreak of Battlefield Earth crotch -- and when a desperate interlocutor raises one of these tender subjects, the Boolean operator just gestures vaguely in our direction, then goes back to searching itself for topless images of Abbie Cornish.

At least, that's how I assume most of these people wind up here.  And while it's not my job to answer their questions, since I'm not a highly advanced algorithm created by two Stanford Ph.Ds in the late 1990s as far as you know, I still like to be hospitable.  So let's grab a few brews from the fridge, tear open a bag of Tostitos, and see if we can't help them with their problems.  Or at least, the first ten of them.

1. head of lenin on la brea:  Yes.  (We originally ordered the head of Alfredo Garcia, but they were out of stock.)

2.  incest perfect:  This is a colloquial verb form ("I did my mother," "I am doing my mother," "I am going to do my mother") native to Appalachia and parts of western Alabama and southeastern Mississippi.

3.  is there a real california lifestyle?:  Yes, it involves eating a lot of Ramen noodles so you can afford gas.

4.  bunch of crap mlk speech celebration:  Not a question really, just a composite of all the headlines at Townhall, American Thinker, and WorldNetDaily the day after the March on Washington anniversary.

5.  incest daughterfather:  Well, I suppose if your family is so inbred that you're actually your own daughterfather, then even masturbation would constitute incest.

[In case you were wondering, this sudden influx of incest-seekers seems to have been triggered by Bill S.'s funny -- but apparently irresistible to the insatiably incestuous -- review of Flowers in the Attic.]

6.  kissing above stomach:  I assume this question comes from some ambitious corporate ass-kisser looking to push the envelope, and I'm afraid the answer is No.  HR frowns on anything above the belt.

7. butt power pell:  They're really making it hard to qualify for those college tuition grants.

8.  ryan mcpartlin nu: Despite well-defined abdominals and awesome bed-head, the hunky young actor has apparently failed to impress the Yiddish-speaking audience.

When it comes to John Woo-style two-fisted gunplay, they just prefer someone a little more believable, like Luther Adler, or Mollie Picon.

9.  18 years horny: This is the porn parody of 12 Years a Slave. Frankly, it seems a little Too Soon to me, but I guess they can't all show the refined good taste of Genital Hospital or Edward Penishands.

10.  lassie sexy: Well this one popped up in the referrer logs just last night, so as hard as it is to admit, it looks like former Senator Rick Santorum was right: first you allow sexy birthday lizards to commit frottage on your blog, and the next day someone is violating the personal boundaries of a border collie.

Anyway, now we come to the fun part (for me at least), because as you know, this is an Open Source project, so the next five questions are for you guys...

11.  do troll dolls have demonic spirits?

12.  easy to swallow tapeworm

13. tube Gary Cooper

14.  codpiece bicentennial man 

15.  erection in a flightsuit

Have at it in comments!

The Return of Top 10 Google Searches

First of all, Mary and I want to express our deepest gratitude to everyone who's contributed to the Automobile Reanimation fund.  (Explanation here if you're tuning in late.)  A couple of my Thank You notes have summoned a Mailer Daemon (who I found kind of lame for a soul-devouring Hellspawn; I mean, yeah, he's got that scary Exorcist voice and the cloven feet and the eyes that glow red like coals, but he's also wearing a pith helmet and those gray polyester shorts); so if you haven't heard back from me and have an alternate email I could reach you at, please let me know.

We're going to keep the Beg-A-Thon going for a few more days, so if you can spare a little bit, please click on the button at the top left.  Or, if you are non-Pals with Mr. Pay, email me at scott.clevenger - at - gmail.com and I'll send you our snail mail address.

Now, as most of you probably know, this blog is a sort of Superfund site for search engines.  In other words, a not insignificant amount of people who wind up here do so because they typed a desperate, creatively spelled query, which caused Google or Bing to say "Ew!" and drop them, like a flaming bag of dog doo, onto our doorstep.

"I wanna know about Hitler Pee!"

As a result, checking our referrer logs for plaintive questions and attempting to address them on air used to be a regular Saturday feature around here, and I thought it was about time to revive it.  But I freely confess that I'm no Shell Answer Man, so as usual, I'll need your help, because some of these are real puzzlers.

1. Peter scolari erection crème: Although Scolari's career didn't follow the same meteoric path as his Bosom Buddies co-star, he's worked steadily in TV since; more to the point, his lower profile in the entertainment industry has allowed him to devote increased time and resources to the burgeoning field of celebrity-endorsed erection ointments.  Now, I'm the first to admit, Tom Hanks makes a quality boner cream, but I personally believe it's overpriced for what you get, and Peter Scolari's product is far more luxurious, as one can easily tell from the fancy accent grave over the e.

2. cows doing pupu:  After the decline of the "Polynesian" craze of the 50s and 60s, the classic "pupu platter" fell into disfavor with most American diners.  But recently, several head of entrepreneurial cattle have opened restaurants in the style of Don the Beachcomber and Trader Vic's which feature this venerable appetizer tray.  Most of the cows claim they are simply job creating small business bovines looking to take advantage of a renewed interest in so-called "Tiki culture," while others will admit they'd like to help steer national eating habits toward healthier fare like poultry and seafood in order to reduce the incidence of Type II Diabetes, and the chance that they'll get hit in the head with a poleaxe.

3. Real Witches Ball Drew: Well, Drew's a nice enough-looking guy, but I still think the Coven should consider diversifying its initiation ritual. I mean, this is the exact same one the Masons use.

4. "how do I become a lesbian":  The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, honey.  Practice, practice, practice.

5. kiss on balcony replaces bloody sheets:  And it was precisely this change in housekeeping procedures that made me rethink my policy about never staying at a Courtyard By Marriott.

6. can you swim with the removable instant brows:  Let's ask the man who owns one!

"I've discovered a more active lifestyle!  Yes, now I can jog, play tennis, and even go swimming...all with my new brows!"

7. fanfiction diaper:  I've come across some unexpected and ill-considered fan-fic in my time, most of it not very erotic (except for the Holmes and Yo-Yo slash.  That stuff is so hot you've gotta read it with oven mitts).  But even I'm surprised to learn that people are writing adult fan fiction about Senator David Vitter.

8.  traps turning perfectly straight guys into homosexuals:  This is a very real problem, Googler, and I hope you haven't fallen into one yourself, because homosexuals are extremely organized and energetic, and lay these traps everywhere.  For instance, on Friday it was discovered that Gays had managed to sneak into a factory in Georgia and contaminate Chick-fil-A Sauce with chemicals that fill one with an unholy passion for the same sex.  Fortunately, most of the tainted packages were immediately removed from franchise shelves, so if you didn't eat at a Chick-fil-A any time this week, you should be fine. 

9. World worse porn country:  Experts agree that the worst porn in the world comes from Marlborough Country, because the actors constantly pause during oral sex to cough up a lung oyster.

10. cat my brain aches:  To which cat can only respond...

 "I know what you mean!  Is Riley doing that Scanners thing to your brain too?"

Phew!  My brain also aches, but there are still a few burning bonus questions in the referrer logs, so I was wondering if I could pass the Talking Stick and ask you guys to field them in comments?

11. Most wonderful gun in the world

12. Battlefield earth crotch

13. Why did dennis prager divorce

14. braless 70's films

15. hand symbolism homosexual