Right Nut Chastises Left Nut for Scrotum-Based Lifestyle

You remember Kurt Schlichter, the Fantasy League tough guy who likes to provoke and transcribe imaginary arguments with people who don't know he exists.  Kurt has squeezed several books and countless Townhall columns out of this premise, and now he's brought his foolproof question begging techniques to the dating scene, and the result is everything you'd dream it would be, assuming you're asleep right now and having a nightmare.

TRIGGER WARNING

[Oh, not for you, I'm sure you're gonna be fine. But Kurt gets triggered like ten times in the first paragraph alone. So you might want to bring some extra popcorn.]

11 Things Every Real Conservative Should Ask On A First Date

Recently, a young being – I don’t want to presume its gender identity, but it’ll probably throw a hissy fit about my blatant chrono-shaming anyway 

Technically, I think you can only chrono-shame someone if you're a Time Lord.

– scribbled an article titled 10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date for his/her/xir fellow liberal freaks. It’s an illuminating view into the twisted minds of the SJWs, but the article never answers the first question we all asked ourselves reading the title: “Why the hell would anyone ever date an intersectional feminist?”

Kurt prefers a traditional, stay-at-home Fleshlight™ with strong family values and the Hands-Free attachment.

We Normals seek accomplices in reproduction, while SJWs seek accomplices in ideological onanism. 

I think it's a little prejudicial to label anyone who helps Kurt spread his DNA an "accomplice", when they're at worst an "unindicted co-conspirator" and in many ways, a victim themselves.

Take solace in the fact that we are totally going to outbreed these lunatics.

Nobody tell Kurt that antediluvian political opinions aren't hereditary.  (Of course, if he's right, he's in for a big surprise when he discovers his wife has been having an affair with the liberal mailman.)

But as conservatives, it’s vital that we also do some screening of our own. After all, the last thing we want to do is inadvertently turn down a Darwinian not-a-through-street and spawn more liberals. 

"I never would've impregnated you, Sharon, if I'd known you phone-banked for Howard Dean! Now our daughter's a lesbian and it's all your fault!"

I’m out of the dating game thanks to my closed-minded, heavily-armed, hot American-Cuban wife

"We haven't bred yet, because like I say, she's heavily armed, but I'm confident she's busy producing neo-fascist ova."

but let me try to help out you singleberries with some questions to assist you in detecting any right-swipes who are actually covert leftist weirdos, losers, and/or mutations.

Disclaimer: Kurt is a failed stand-up comedian who apparently studied under Mike Huckabee, so I must remind you that Management is not responsible for injuries due to Knee Slapping.

1. Do you believe that any group’s lives matter more than others? 

The answer should be a resounding, “Yes!”

Kurt goes on to affirm that "American lives matter more than the lives" of "perverts", apparently not having seen the news recently, and failing to note that the Venn diagram of these two groups resemble a pair of cells struggling, yet failing to divide.

2. How many genders are there? 

The proper answer is, “Two.” 

There are two genders. Not three. Not four. Not sixty–seven. Two. Male. Female. That is all.

He sounds like Picard defiantly shouting "There...are...FOUR...LIGHTS!" in Chain of Command, except Kurt has broken under torture (actually, just some harsh words), and is being super cooperative with the Cardassians.

Now here's another question, and I warn you, they get harder as we go on:

2. How many fish are there?

The proper answer is, “Two.” 

No! Idiot...The proper answer is "Four: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. That is all."

3. How do you work to dismantle sexism in your life? 

The correct answer is, “I don’t. I work to support myself with a job so I’m not some freeloading bum feeding off of Uncle Sucker.”

Apparently Kurt has never been sexually harassed, nor read much about it, nor ever met a woman, as he seems not to understand it's a problem which occurs frequently in the workplace, where people have their jobs, which is all that separates them from bum-hood and a parasitic relationship with Uncle Sucker, who I guess is the new symbol for America, and is presumably a Black Cow with a goatee and a spangly top hat.

4. What are your thoughts on guns? 

Your date should answer, “You don’t have enough guns.” 

...while gazing with a disappointed sigh at your biceps.

This answer should come before you mention just how many guns you already have.

Exactly. In fact, you'll eventually notice that your date is answering all your questions a fraction of a second before you ask them, because one of you has come unstuck in time, and you must figure out which one before the meal ends, or you might screw up the timing of your patented fake-grab-for-the-check move and get stuck treating her.

Relationship Rule of Thumb: No one gets to first base without an appreciation of the Second Amendment.

Oh, I don't know. It looks like we've managed to skip a step getting to the Third Reich.

5. Do you support Israel in its fight against Seventh Century savagery? 

The only acceptable response is, “Oh, hell yeah.”

But the only legal response here is, "Your Honor, I object. Counsel is leading the witness."

Extra points if your date adds, “Every time the IDF launches an airstrike on Hamas an angel gets his wings. And all that land the Palestinian thugs are squatting on? That’s part of Israel too.”

For those playing along at home, psychopaths are a Double Word Score!

6. What is your understanding of settler colonialism? 

Your date must understand that it is awesome.

After confirming that she is indeed in favor of starting Armageddon on the West Bank, toss her a few softballs about chattel slavery, because no one gets to 3rd Base without a good argument against the 13th Amendment.

The greatest achievement of the last thousand years was the European settlement of North America (South America – whatever) and the building of the nation that is the greatest beacon of justice and freedom in human history – the United States of America.

I feel like we already covered this question with "settler colonialism".

Elizabeth Warren notwithstanding, Native Americans are terrific in many ways,

Personally I've never tried cooking them, but if you're gonna stoop to cannibalism and eat Plains Indians, then at least do as they'd do and use all the parts.

 including their legendary record as warriors serving in America’s armed forces, and they sure don’t need or want some lib doofus’s pretend pity. There’s no cheaper, tackier sentiment than a pinko rich chick from Brentwood calling Thanksgiving “a celebration of genocide” and whinging on about how those mean old settlers conquered the continent back in the olden days of the 1940s or something – as if she’s ready to pack up her condo and move back across the ocean with 325 million other folks.

Why do people even bother to say "I'm sorry," when the thing they're apologizing for is in the past! Get a TARDIS and say it while it's fresh, Doctor Whore!

7. Do you think socialism is wonderful? 

Your date should ask, “Is that a sick joke?”

Yes! Fortunately, due to Universal Healthcare, the chronically ill joke will get the treatment it needs.

8. Do you believe in climate change? 

The answer is, “Yes.” The climate changes all the time. What you really want to know is whether your date is a cultist affiliated with the liberals’ weird weather religion.

That religion, as theologians know, is called "Science" and wooing a believer leads to other awkward first date questions, such as "What manner of man are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?"  (I know I'm leaving a Tinder joke on the table here, but honestly, I haven't got all day to waste on this guy...)

Here’s a good way to find out. Offer to drive your date, in a Ford F-150 pick-up truck with no catalytic converter, to a local wood fire BBQ joint that advertises, “We have the best ribs and the biggest carbon footprint in town!”

Chances are you'll get a $10,000 fine and have your smog certification suspended, and even worse, have to listen all night to Kurt bragging about how he punched up the BBQ joint's ad copy.

If your date’s response is, “But that seems like a socially irresponsible earth-crime against Gaia,”

You'll know she's fucking with you.

go alone.

Or you won't realize it was a joke and wind up boxing the clown, but at least you'll get a pissy Townhall column out of it.

 If your date’s response is, “Let’s Uber instead so we can both drink lots of beer,” consider proposing marriage.

There's no more stable foundation for a strong marriage than alcoholism. 

It's also a helpful tip for getting through one of Kurt's columns.

However, if your date uses the word "Uber" and she's not singing the Deutschlandlied, she's probably not the girl for you.

Hannity Meets Jigsaw

My friend and podcasting partner Jeff Holland saw Jigsaw (don't judge, we all have dirty habits) and, as is his wont, texted me about it afterward:

I don't personally plan to see the movie (Jeff is like a Distant Early Warning system for crappy horror films), so I can't speak to its flaws or virtues with any authority or even vague familiarity. Fortunately, this is the Internet, so who gives a shit?

The problem with Jigsaw is likely the same problem that plagued the Saw franchise as a whole: it would be a better movie if it had better victims. Fortunately, while this country remains divided politically, it appears united in its desire to see one group of people padlocked into damp, rusty, Rube Goldberg death devices: TV pundits.

And it seems that Jigsaw has heard the vox populi and is already working on his next opus, at least judging from this photo lifted from a panicky right wing website:

The headline says "Victory is mine!", but Hannity's face tells another story, suggesting the Jigsaw Killer has placed a blood pressure cuff around his scrotum, and is slowly inflating it -- one squeeze of the bulb for every lie that pops out of Hannity's gob.

Already things are more suspenseful, right? Will Hannity relent and join the rest of Fox News in devoting his airtime to Google's criminally inept cheeseburger emoji...

The cheese goes on TOP, not UNDER the patty, you idiots! 

Or will he stick to his business model and projectile prevaricate until he's castrated like a sheep? I don't know, but I'm already popping up the Orville Redenbacher Sea Salt & Vinegar.

And unlike the other movies in the Saw franchise, you've actually got somebody to root for, since this scenario makes Jigsaw a much more sympathetic character.

You're welcome, Hollywood.

To Trouble the Living Fakestream

 You may remember James Lewis, and if so that's probably my fault, as he's been an occasional subject of mockery here on Wo'C (and thus a source of arched brows, puzzled squints, and eyes rolling like slot machines fed constantly by a wizened lady from Barstow with a Kool Super Long dangling from her lip and a coffee can full of embezzled laundry change). He contributes to American Thinker (or as the late Doghouse Riley used to call it, "Uncle Sam Takes a Dump on a Stump"), but merely as a lark, since James is, in his own words, "a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly."  (We've had some fun in the past wondering just what discipline would have James as a scientist, with guesses ranging from "alchemical-etymology, or the transmuting of irony into actual iron," to "humble Torsion Field hand," but personally, I think he's an astrosolipsist).

Anyway, you know how the election of Trump was seen as a signal to far right nationalists, white supremacists, and neo-nazis to emerge from their burrows, glimpse their shadows, and predict six more weeks of kristallnacht? Turns out you're wrong about that, as James proves through the science of Contradiction.

European Conservative Parties Are Not 'Far Right'

I keep reading in the European fakestream media that the new upsurge in conservative democratic parties in Europe all comes down to fascists and paleo-Nazis. They are not – any more than Republicans are fascists and Nazis.

I believe this is known in Rhetoric as an "own goal".

Euro-conservatives sound just like you, me, and Donald Trump. 

 You know -- morons.

 They talk about freedom and democracy.

And getting watchband-deep in a stranger's pussy.

They talk about tolerance for democratic parties but not for totalitarian killers. They talk about taking control of their borders again. Their college campuses have been subverted and turned upside-down

They're now the realm of the Demigorgon, and only those adorable kids from Stranger Things can save us!

Their police forces often turn against normal people on behalf of murderous barbarians, just as ours are being pushed to do.

Hm, let me see if I'm following your logic, James... So police are shooting "normal people" (i.e., black people) at the behest of "murderous barbarians" (presumably white people)? Well, I'm surprised to see you of all people making this argument, but you do have pretty much the entire history of Western Civilization backing you up.

But normal people in Europe have finally gathered the courage to call the enemy by name.

And that name is...Bruce! (The enemy is Australian, judging by Trump's phone etiquette.)

Europe's media constantly smear democratic conservatives as "extreme right" or "fascist." That is a vicious lie, as you can hear for yourself by listening to video speeches on the web by European conservatives.

This one's a classic.

If you don't happen to understand their languages, you can listen to Nigel Farage, who sounds just like Trump.

You know -- a poncy moron.

But notice that the Fakestream in Europe can never allow conservatives to speak, not without smearing them in the same sentence. Trump is a madman according to the media elites in Europe. But then their own democratic populists are also ready to go for a new Hitler, if you listen to the establishment media.

Wait -- is the "establishment media" the same as the "fakestream media"? Or is "establishment" the same as the "mainstream media"? But if that's true, then who's the "lamestream" media? You know what? I don't care. Just please stop repeating the word "stream," because it's making me think of Trump paying prostitutes to piddle.

I've just listened to one of the heroic figures of the resistance, Geert Wilders, who has twice been arrested and convicted of "hate speech" by the neo-fascist establishment in the Netherlands.

Okay, not to go off on a tangent, but did you ever have a little brother or sister or cousin who suddenly decided to repeat everything you said until you wanted to just punch them in the arm or give 'em swirly or a Dutch rub or a Double Jock-Lock? Everything is projection and repetition with these guys. People are calling for resistance to Trump? Well they can't, because Trump supporters are the resistance. Trump and Bannon are fascists? Can't be, because liberals are neo-fascists!  Trump rictus-piece Kellyanne Conway makes up fake massacres and Sean Spicer makes up fake inaugural viewers, but if you report it, that's fake news.

It's argument by copyright infringement.

Over there, the "mainstream media" have lost all credibility, just like the Washington Post and the New York Times. Over there, normal people are sick and tired – and scared – of the pile of lies they have to listen to every day.

It's been awhile since I've seen Yankee Doodle Dandy, but I remember the lyrics to "Over There" being a bit peppier.

Before Trump was elected, European conservatives were forbidden to speak out, accused of Nazism or racism. Today, they are finding their true voices.

Must be a proud moment for European conservatives. Let's take a glance at the non-Nazi-ish, totally unracist things Geert had to say:

(Note: the transcript is courtesy Gates of Vienna, which isn't quite as famous as Geert is for nonracism, so no link)

Geert Wilders in Koblenz: “This is the Year of a Patriotic Spring”

That's a song cue if I've ever heard one.

[Translated from the original German]

Yesterday — a new America. Today — Koblenz, and tomorrow, a new Europe!

Okay, it may not sound better in the original German, just...eerily familiar.

Europe needs a strong Germany, a self-confident Germany, a proud Germany. A Germany that stands for its culture, its identity, and its civilization...We are at the beginning of a patriotic spring in all of Europe

Geert Wilders is Dutch, not German, but he seems like the kind of guy who, had he been around during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands, would have found a constructive way to work with the Germans. Maybe by finally getting off his butt and cleaning out that Secret Annex (he's been promising his wife for months), or perhaps by fingering Audrey Hepburn (I mean that in the stool pigeon, not the Trump, sense of the term).

Marxo-jihadist globalism is always the same, here and there. And just like here, ordinary people are outraged and ready to take to the streets. They are not fascists, and they are certainly not Nazis. They are not totalitarians of any kind at all. They are true democrats with a small d.

A very small d. Just ask their wives.

The treacherous establishments in Europe are closely allied to the corrupting forces of jihad and the Soros left. Young, empty-headed kids are being indoctrinated there, just as they are here. Trained ruckus-makers in black masks are taking the side of jihad over there, just as here.

I wonder which vocational school has the best ruckus-making program. University of Phoenix? Control Data Institute? Truckmaster School of Trucking?

Everyday Europeans are very scared, because their governments no longer protect them from thugs and rapists. Women are afraid to show their blond hair (or any other color hair, for that matter).

Well, Miss Clairol must be taking a blow to the bottom line, but at least now I know why Mattel discontinued Aryan Barbie (Boyfriend Klaus Barbie and Berchtesgaden Dream Bunker™ sold separately).

The same fascist smear tactics we see in Berkeley today are being used in Europe. And no wonder: The sources of political poison are the same left-jihadist Axis of Evil we see in this country. These are people who have been told by Alinsky types like Obama and Hillary that the American middle class is "the enemy." And today, when they run the Organs of Propaganda, they are persuading airheads on colleges around the country that their parents and grandparents, normal Americans, are indeed their enemy.

I just can't figure out how they run the Organs of Propaganda with such small d's.

Obama is an expert Alinsky ruckus-maker. 

 He trained at DeVry. (The former president is also certified in Arc, Mig, Tig, and Oxy Acetylene Welding, because ruckus-making is seasonal work.)

The term "community organizer" used to be called "Communist agitator," when Communists were not afraid to be labeled accurately, and agitation-propaganda is exactly what they do. 

See? You learn something new every day. Here's another interesting piece of trivia: "desk organizers" used to be called "escritoire provocateurs".

The anti-Trump riots are organized by neo-Stalinists, who have never given up their quest for total power. They are not subtle about it.

That's why there was so much bloodshed, property damage, and so many arrests at the Women's March on Washington. Granted, it all happened in an alternate universe, but apparently that counts now, and in all fairness it was a really nearby dimension, practically adjacent. Earth 2, Earth 3 at most.

The U.S. media are now completely corrupt, united in their goal of destroying Donald Trump. 

Or at least having the best camera angle when Trump destroys himself.

The Euro-media are exactly the same. But normal people don't speak in a single voice. They speak in many voices. 

Especially when they get on the phone with reporters and pretend to be their own publicists.

I Can Name That Idiot in One Note!

Jonah Goldberg has a new piece out, entitled Denationalizing our politics would help draw us together. Thanks to the title alone I feel like mocking it, but I don't really feel like reading it, so instead I'm going to try a little experiment:

My hypothesis is that the first sentence of any given article by Jonah contains more impacted stupidity than can be found in an entire 800 word column by, say, David Brooks or Ross Douthat. While depressing, this may become important later on, if we find that our strategic stupidity reserves have been depleted by too many lofty think pieces on the Trump campaign; and therefore it's my contention that the pundit class could conserve and stretch those dwindling resources by aping Jonah's use of rhetorical starch and powdered cheese, a technique known in journalism schools as "Stupidity Hamburger Helper."

Let's begin, shall we?

Nationalism and socialism are in full gallop in America today while conservatives are without a horse.

You might think that many of those espousing nationalism are conservatives, but look at that sentence again:

Nationalism and socialism are in full gallop in America today while conservatives are without a horse.

Now, remove the word "and" and toss it away, because conjunctions are basically just foam packing peanuts for sentences, designed to keep the subject and predicate from banging into each other and getting damaged in transit. Okay, what do we have?

Nationalism socialism are in full gallop in America today while conservatives are without a horse.

And who were National Socialists? Nazis! And what were Nazis? Liberals! As proven in Jonah's book, Liberal Fascism, Or: How to Randomly Combine Adjectives and Nouns Like You're Playing Mad-Libs.

I think we're getting somewhere! Let's keep going...

The next noun is "gallop." And what is a gallop? It's an organization that skews polls to make it appear liberals are winning. Therefore, going the "full gallop" means predicting a Hillary Clinton victory in the 2016 election, because only Nazis want her to be President.

Now we come to the last half of the sentence, "conservatives are without a horse." Why is this important? Because right wing activist Neal Horsley ran a website called the Nuremberg Files, identifying and targeting abortion providers -- essentially trying them in the press. And who else was tried at Nuremberg? That's right -- Nazis. And what else was Neal Horsley most famous for? Admitting that he liked to have sex with mules, which is sort of an off-brand horse. So basically, Jonah is saying that Hitler is rigging the presidential election for Hillary because Republicans can't get laid with farm animals, probably because of PETA.

Well, I think that's about all we're going to get out of it. I skimmed ahead through the rest of the article, but it's mostly stuff Jonah stole from some other guy's book, and what's the point of Second Hand Stupidity, if you don't get the nicotine buzz, just the cancer?  But feel free to pick your own sentence from his opus and overanalyze it in the comments.

ADDENDUM FROM S.Z.:  I am impressed and delighted with your Goldberg deconstruction (although I've heard that hydrofluoric acid will get rid of the rest). But I have one possible addition: some women with a certain facial type are called "horsefaced." And if you Google this term, whose name comes up most commonly? No, not Ann Coulter (she is not commonly associated with anything mammalian). It's Sarah Jessica Parker. So, an alternate reading is that while Hitler had his Eva Braun, and Matthew Broderick has Sarah Jessica, Jonah's wife is leaving him to campaign for Hillary. Or maybe she already has - I haven't kept up with Jonah's personal life.

Bert I. Gordon Presents: Ted Cruz!

[Note: Stolen from s.z.'s Facebook page...]

“It is standard law enforcement — it is good law enforcement to focus on where threats are emanating from, and anywhere where there is a locust of radicalization, where there is an expending presence of radical Islamic terrorism,” Cruz told reporters on Tuesday evening in Manhattan.

"A locust of radicalization." Does Cruz mean "locus," or he is talking about something from "The Beginning of the End"?

*********************************************************************

Scott: I wonder if Senator Cruz didn't Freudianly slip and accidentally reveal some personal information. Perhaps, like the Vincent D'Onofrio character in Men in Black, it's Cruz who's actually a locust, disguised in an ill-fitting human skin and preparing to lead a vanguard of alien insects in a conquest of the United States!

On the bright side, that would certainly solve our immigration problems, because who'd want to come to a country overrun with gigantic bugs dressed up in pantomime person costumes?  No one! I bet our tourist industry would go to hell too, and maps would quickly begin to resemble medieval cartography, where the edge of the known world was demarcated by an etching of a monster and the warning, "Here Be Dragons", except the U.S. would just be a big outline with a lovingly illuminated, if smirking, grasshopper and the legend, "Gives You The Willies", or "Here Be The Heebie-Jeebies."

2nd Amendment For 2nd Class Citizens!

As a fan of Joel Hodgson from Mystery Science Theater 3000, I obviously have no problems with a sleepy-eyed protagonist, but even I have to wonder if Ben Carson's evident narcolepsy might not disqualify him from the presidency. (Why worry about that "3 AM phone call" if the leader of the Free World is just as likely to be snoozing face-down in his morning bowl of Maypo?)

But then I read about how, as a young resident at Johns Hopkins, he foiled the armed robbery of a Popeyes Chicken franchise, just like Clint Eastwood did in the 1983 Dirty Harry film, Sudden Impact.  The two events are so eerily similar, in fact, that I suspect Carson's heroics may have inspired the scene in the movie, although they obviously spiced it up a bit for the screen (in the picture, Clint blows away most of the criminals, then challenges the last one to, "Go ahead...Make my day," while Carson helpfully pointed out the cashier to the gunman, then breezed out, whistling perhaps, or munching on a biscuit [had to be one or the other, since I know from personal experience that you can't do both simultaneously; especially not at the dinner table when your dad's sitting within back-of-the-head-smacking distance].)

Ben wasn't bragging, by the way; he only pulled out this artifact of badassery to prove he wasn't blaming the victims of the Umpqua shooting when he panned their response by saying, "Not only would I probably not cooperate with [the killer], I would not just stand there and let him shoot me, I would say, ‘Hey guys, everybody attack him.'" Then, based on past performance, Ben would gesture at his fellow victims and advise the killer, "Shoot them! THEM!", and then probably go out to Popeyes for a Butterfly Shrimp Tackle Box™ ("8 butterfly shrimp, fries, biscuit & cocktail sauce". Granted, that may seem like a lot for one person, but take it from Ben, cheating Death works up an appetite; plus, as the sole survivor he's now eating for eight.)

Why tackle a gunman when you can Tackle The Shrimp!

Dr. Carson found himself on slightly less firm footing when he suggested that victims of the Holocaust could have nipped that whole thing in the bud by packing heat, but couldn't back it up by recollecting that one time in Baltimore when Nazis tried to ship him off to Treblinka, but he distracted them by pointing out the nearest Jew.

A lot of people suggested that outnumbered amateurs with hunting rifles wouldn't be likely to fare well against stormtroopers (the Nazi kind, not the Star Wars kind, because those guys can't shoot for crap), and since European Jews (and others marked as sub-human by the Third Reich) didn't know they were being removed to death camps (they were being "resettled"), they had little incentive to stage suicidal, Ruby Ridge-style last stands on their doorsteps. And of course, when armed resistance was eventually offered -- in the Warsaw Ghetto uprising -- it was rather quickly put down by an enemy equipped with artillery, mortars, machine guns, and all the other military-grade arms that -- even today -- only a select few of our bat-shittiest sovereign citizens have managed to stockpile.

Nevertheless, Dr. Carson remains committed to his Second Amendment As a Cure for the Common Shoah theory, and if anything, he seems inclined to double down on it. So rather than arguing with him, I'd just like to ask a follow-up question. Or rather, I'd like some journalist to ask it for me, since I'll never be in the same room with the guy.

1.  Should Japanese-Americans have refused to surrender their guns to U.S. authorities in World War II?  Please note, Dr. Carson, I'm not asking if the government had the right to confiscate their weapons, because as American citizens they were certainly entitled to the same Constitutional protections as their neighbors; my question is, should they have refused to give up their guns?

2.  When the government forced Japanese-Americans to abandon their homes and property, should they have violently resisted relocation, as you say Europeans Jews were morally obliged to do? In other words, would they have been justified in shooting any Sheriff's Deputies or doughboys who showed up at their doors, ready to hustle them into a bus? After all, they knew they were being sent to concentration camps (what we'd call "FEMA Camps" today) so could they, and should they, have stopped this historic injustice by taking up arms and fighting their oppressors, just as you retroactively counseled the Jews to do?

And if not, why not?

Libs Shellacked By Schlichter!

You may remember Kurt Schlichter, the ex-Army Man, former stand-up comedian, current lawyer, and alleged pundit who wants all those dusky layabouts who might -- if Obama gets his way -- possibly one day attend community college at government expense to pay for the privilege now by washing his BMW (I know the précis doesn't make much sense, but trust me, it's funnier in the original Gibberish).

Well, Kurt's back, and this time he's standing athwart History, pursing his lips and shaking his head like a highchair-bound toddler refusing to grant access to a spoonful of strained peaches.

Conservatives, Unleash the Awesome Power of "No" 

We decent Americans are bombarded with lies, libeled, and subjected to petty (and, increasingly, not so petty) tyrannies by government flunkies.

Admittedly, this kind of thing was great during the Bush Administration, especially the first few months of the Iraq War, but now that the flunky's on the other foot, it's not quite as much fun.  (Also, when did we become a country that could be tyrannized by flunkies? I remember when that kind of thing required a bully.)

 At every turn, liberals and their suck-ups in the media and academia seek to delegitimize our interests, concerns, and opinions.

The important takeaway here is that when it comes to sucking, a good sense of direction is vital. If you want to be successful, always suck up, never suck down.

 They want us to submit

That's not really my scene, but hey, I'll try anything once. (Fyi, my safe word is "Snausages").

to take the easy way out, to just go along. Our fate, they decree, is cultural and political dhimmitude.

Well, you do sound like a bit of a dhimbulb. 

Well, it’s time to draw a red line and, unlike President Feckless and the Wimptones, to enforce it.

And while you're forcing the world to obey your crayon etchings, I'll just jump in here and mention that the remastered President Feckless and the Wimptones: Live at the Apollo is now available on iTunes.

Conservatives, it’s time to say, “No.”

Of course, for conservatives, "No" means "Maybe" (if she's had a drink) or "Yes" (if an insurance company pays for her birth control pills) so there's still a little wiggle room.

No, liberals, you can’t just lie about us anymore without us pushing back. 

Ah yes. With your every effort at diplomacy rebuffed, you've finally concluded that you have no alternative but to strike back at liberal lies with lies about liberals. It's a bold battle plan, and would no doubt benefit from the element of surprise if you hadn't basically been pulling this exact same shit since the Gilded Age.

The days of surrender in the face of your slander are over.

While the days of surroundsound in the service of slashfic are just beginning.  Anyway, now that you've monologued your whole evil plan, we might as well get on with it. Hit me with your best lies...

No, liberals, you are the racists. 

It's a Shyamalanian twist!

Your party created the Klan. 

And yet I never see those guys in their pointy white hoods at the weekly Comintern meeting. By the way, what's the statue of limitations on this kind of thing? Are we still responsible for them if they haven't paid their party dues since 1964?

Your party created and enforced Jim Crow. 

And abolished it under a Democratic President, which to be fair makes the Democrats less like ordinary villains, and more like the sympathetic supervillain who earns redemption by destroying his own abomination in the final reel. Sort of like Doc Ock in Spider-Man 2 (I realize this is a fairly stupid and needlessly geeky similie, but I'm still working through my fraternity initiation [I'm a procrastinator] and today's hazing ritual requires me to "write something that gives Jonah Goldberg a half-chub").

This does raise a question though, Kurt: if you find Jim Crow legitimately abhorrent, and not just a convenient cudgel, why are you guys trying so hard to reboot the franchise?

Bull Connor was a union-loving populist and a delegate to a Democrat National Convention. 

While today he'd be the Keynote Speaker at CPAC.

Your Democrat party relies on racial divisions, lies, and hatred. 

And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope!

Quick, which party would fold tomorrow if racial hatred suddenly evaporated – the party that seeks to limit government and to empower every individual to create his own success, or the party that seeks to grow government to more lavishly hand out scraps to buy votes?

Frankly, I don't think even something so unsettling to the status quo as the sudden evaporation of racial hatred would make either party would go away -- at least not permanently; they're both too much like herpes -- but it sure wouldn't do Fox News much good.

No, liberals, you are the sexists

No, we're the sexiest. Just ask People magazine.

the ones offering up as your nominees a corrupt, accomplishment-free punchline who got where she is solely by being hitched to a successful man. 

Whereas Kurt is a morally bankrupt joke in search of a punchline who pours out his spleen on Townhall because no decent man would have him. You can see why he's bitter.

Anyone else without her plumbing but with her track record of failure would be lucky to be consigned to the Martin O’Malley tier of primary candidate asterisks. If there really was a glass ceiling, a bar exam-flunking, ethically bankrupt hack like Hillary would need a ladder to reach it if she wasn’t already standing on Bill’s shoulders."

What about someone with her plumbing, but an even bigger track record of failure? You know what I'm saying...

You don’t merely tolerate sexism – you reward it. Your demigod Teddy Kennedy didn’t just treat women like trash. He killed one by leaving her to drown alone in the wet, cold dark while he slinked away to his team of Democrat sycophants to sober up and hatch the lies that helped him avoid justice. And you don’t care. You made him a liberal icon.

Well we already downgraded him from demi-god to icon, and that's a pretty severe demotion, going from a guy with his own temples and cult to just another face on an altar screen. What else do you want us to do? It's a little late to cancel his pension.

Then there’s Bill Clinton, Count No. 1 in the lengthy felony fraud indictment of liberal “feminism.” 

I don't think you can make feminism legally responsible for Bill Clinton, let alone indict it for fraud, unless NOW was caught selling imitation Bill Clintons that fell off the back of a truck in New Jersey.

No, Mainstream Media, we are not swallowing the lies you pass off as the truth. 

We're swallowing truth passed off as lies!  Or...Wait...  Well I think we can all agree, the important thing is, you're swallowing.

Liberal newspapers?

Nope, none that I'm aware of.

And we’re sick of funding your war upon our kids for the crime of being normal. If our kids are male, you hate them and call them “rapists” even as you gush over rapist-apologist Hillary.

Wow, you read me like an open book, Kurt. No -- I'll go further -- it's like you've drilled one of those creepy rural motel manager peepholes into the bathroom of my soul.

 If our kids are Christian or Jewish, you want to treat them like outcasts for not worshipping your false gods.

False gods??  That, sir, is a direct attack upon my deeply held religious beliefs, and you may expect a strong letter from my attorneys, Cthulhu, Cthulhu, Hungadunga & Zoth-Ommog!

 And you want to shut them up by empowering campus freaks who shriek that our kids’ dissenting views make them feel “unsafe.”

Speaking as a former campus freak, I can attest that those shrieks aren't always pre-emptive; sometimes they're simply the very human reaction to having your arm twisted up behind your back by three guys who reek of Cruex and Mennan Speed Stick.

But let's face it, Kurt, whatever crimes of normalcy your kids may have committed, neither you nor I are anywhere near the psychological or behavioral baseline. I'm an intense introvert with outré social views, while you're a borderline sociopath who reacts to empathy the way a vampire does to sunlight. I say we should just embrace our contradictions and taste the rainbow. 

Tick-tock, the era of the computer college education is coming to an end.

Tough titties, DeVry!

Maybe you can find new jobs in the shrinking classified ad sections of those liberal newspapers you still read.

I don't mean to pry, Kurt, but I've got to ask: how do you write a column for the Internet when you don't seem to know the Internet exists?

No, liberals, we refuse to go along and be complicit in the suicide of our culture and our country.

I can just imagine Kurt working the Suicide Prevention Hotline on the night Liberal America calls, and  immediately going into his I'm-rubber-you're-glue bit:

LIBERAL AMERICA: Yeah, I've been thinking about taking my own life--

KURT: No, Liberals, you're not going to kill yourself! I'm going to kill myself! (BANG!)

LIBERAL AMERICA:  Wait -- What?  Hello?  Hello...?

 Your long-term strategy has been to browbeat us into acquiescence, to pester, prod, and persecute us into silence and submission. And why?

Because we like you!

Unlike your leftist heroes elsewhere, American leftists have no army of willing murderers to enforce your sick vision at the point of a gun – except in Wisconsin, and the spotlight’s on that now, you scurrying cockroaches.

By show of hands, who seems more likely to have a sick vision for the country -- the leftist arguing for sensible gun regulations, or the guy denouncing his political enemies as "scurrying cockroaches" and daring you to knock the battery off his shoulder? Oh well. At least Kurt has been spicing up his rhetoric with selections from Adolf Hitler's junior high slam book. 

Just remember that most of you can’t even guess correctly which end of a gun goes “bang.” 

Sure we can. It's the end the little flag comes out of.

So you have to depend upon us normal people going along, of not resisting, of just giving up. 

Well, we aren’t giving up. We’re on to you. We’re fighting back.* And here’s our battle cry: 

“No.”

Well, it's no "Fifty-Four Forty or Fight!", but it is a lot easier to embroider on a pillow.

*If you follow Kurt's link to Amazon, you'll discover that this whole column has been a lengthy infomercial for his new book, a future oral history, something like World War Z, about the conservatives who permanently overrun America. So exactly like World War Z, actually.)

The Dorkest Time Line

My friend Elizabeth alerted the world (or at least Facebook) to this Newt Gingrich tweet:

So I guess if Newt were President -- as he should have been! -- he'd use Hellfire-armed drones to shoot the Goodyear Blimp out of the sky before a super hot German-Palestinian lady terrorist could honey-trap Bruce Dern into using it to blow up the Super Bowl. Too late, however, President Newt would realize this wasn't the 1977 Black Sunday Super Bowl, but the 1976 Two Minute Warning Super Bowl, where the Goodyear Blimp was instrumental in spotting the crazed sniper threatening the crowd, and now the maniac is free to pick off spectators at will, giving snipers a bad name so that 40 years later American Sniper is considered in bad taste and bombs at the box office. Say what you want about our elites, Newt, but at least they're smart enough not to screw with the frigging Butterfly Effect.

My Baloney Has a First Name, It's S-O-D-O-M-Y

You guys remember Bryan Fischer, right? He's the host of a talk show on the American Family Association's radio station, a frequent -- one might even say unrelenting -- RenewAmerica columnist, and of course, the leader of Bîøgraphy!, the world's only Peter Graves tribute band.

Naturally, Bryan is also an expert on gladiator movies, Turkish prisons, and sweaty, oily, Greco-Roman wrestling -- specifically, the way a headlock can suddenly turn into holy wedlock.

There is one and only one short range solution to a runaway judiciary on the issue of sodomy-based marriage:

Sodomy-soluble marriage!

a governor with the testosterone to stand up and just say no. 

So back off, Lady Governors; we boys will handle all the sodomy.

Governors take an oath of office to uphold the federal constitution and the constitution of their own state. Any governor in any state with a marriage amendment as a part of his constitution has the right, nay, the duty, to refuse to comply with any judicial order to recognize same-sex marriage.

I guess the judiciary isn't actually mentioned in the constitution.  I imagine it got started accidentally -- some guys were playing dress-up in their sisters' choir robes, and one of 'em started goofing around, banging his mother's wooden meat tenderizing mallet on a park bench, then one thing led to another and suddenly -- boom! You've got a co-equal branch of government and a bunch of neo-classical buildings with Corinthian columns and flashy entablatures.

The Constitution is utterly silent on the topic of homosexuality and marriage, which means, according to the Constitution the Founders gave us, this is an issue reserved exclusively to the states.

Sadly for Bryan, the states are steamy, fecund hothouses bursting with bushel baskets of homosexuality. Who can forget Alabama governor George Wallace standing in the bathhouse door declaring, "Sodomy now, sodomy tomorrow, sodomy forever!"

Any ruling from any federal court that imposes domestic policy on a state is by its very nature unconstitutional, and no governor has any obligation to obey it. In fact, quite the opposite. He must refuse to comply with it, for to comply would mean he must violate his own sacred oath of office.

Any governor who accepts Pell grants or Food Stamps should be placed in a tumbril and led to the nearest guillotine -- assuming it wasn't bought with federal matching funds.

A governor's oath is to defend the Constitution of both the federal government and his own state. Defending something by definition means protecting it when it is under attack, regardless of where that attack comes from – even if the attack comes from a federal judge, a federal court, or the Supreme Court itself.

This strikes me as daffy, but I'm tempted to adopt Bryan's idiosyncratic approach to constitutional scholarship if it means I can watch all 50 U.S. governors, plus those from the Northern Mariana Islands, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands kick Antonin Scalia right in the vaffanculos.

Americans have no understanding of how little power the federal judiciary actually holds. It was designed by the Founders to be the least powerful branch of the federal government

In the Federalist Papers No. 38, James Madison declared that Federal District Court judges should be able to bench press no more than 185 pounds, maximum.

The Supreme Court met in a closet for the first several decades of its existence, a sign of the lowly stature it occupied under the Constitution as written.

But now they're out of the closet and voting for gay marriage. It's almost like you reap what you sow...

It has mutated into a gargantuan beast, looming over liberty, freedom and the Constitution itself, and imposing its own benighted and twisted version of morality on the entire country with no legal, statutory, constitutional or moral authority.

 So in 1803, somebody injected Chief Justice John Marshall with Venus Flytrap juice, causing him to mutate and grow to monstrous proportions, just like the baby chimp in Konga. And just like Konga, Chief Justice Marshall went on a rampage that eventually ended when he was cut down by the muskets of Federal troops at the Old North Church.

"And Paul Revere warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our apes, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."

But it has no police force it can order to arrest or detain anyone. If its unconstitutional rulings are ignored, what will the Supreme Court do? It can issue an arrest order, I suppose, but if a governor will not allow it to be executed, what can the Court do? The answer is nothing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Fischer? There's a Federal marshal here. He says he has a warrant to...'smack some sense into that cauliflower you call a brain'?"

President Andrew Jackson once said, of a decision handed down by the chief justice of his day, "John Marshall has made his decision; now let him enforce it." What happened in the face of this defiance from a co-equal branch of government? Precisely nothing.

Ahem..."In a popular quotation that is believed to be apocryphal, President Andrew Jackson reportedly responded: "John Marshall has made his decision; now let him enforce it!" This derives from Jackson's comments on the case in a letter to John Coffee, "...the decision of the Supreme Court has fell still born, and they find that they cannot coerce Georgia to yield to its mandate," (that is, the Court's opinion because it had no power to enforce its edict).

The ruling in Worcester ordered that Worcester be freed, and Georgia complied after several months.

The federal government and the Cherokee were not party to the suit. Worcester imposed no obligations on Jackson; there was nothing for him to enforce. The Court did not ask federal marshals to carry out the decision, as had become standard"

The truth is the federal judiciary is impotent apart from the good will of the American people.

I guess the joke is on those convicts who meekly served life in a Federal prison just because some joker in a cassock told them to (as much as I like Ashton Kutchner, I feel like this episode of Punk'd went a little too far). Nevertheless, if the good will of the American people lasts more than four hours, see your doctor.

 Once the American people realize that the Supreme Court is a co-equal branch of government, not the superior branch of government, they can get back to governing themselves rather than deferring to black-robed oligarchs to make all the important decisions for them.

Stuffing or potatoes?  I need a ruling!

For a governor to stand up and refuse to cower to a federal court would not be civil disobedience at all. It would be constitutional obedience – obedience to the Constitution and its provisions in the ninth and 10th amendments, obedience to his own state constitution, and obedience to the oath he took before Almighty God.

"Excuse me, Governor Faubus?  There's a Mr, uh...101st Airborne here to see you?"

We Get Stacks and Stacks of Letters

I get a lot of email, most of it unsolicited testimonials for products which don't exist (penis enlargement pills) or which I don't need (uh...penis enlargement pills!).  Some of it comes in the form of marketing for commonplace products, such as fad diets, undermined by delightful misspellings ("Eat This...And Never Die Again!", while others are merely poorly targeted sales appeals for otherwise legitimate products, such as the persistent (and vaguely threatening) reminders I've received lately that a person in my position really ought to take out a reasonable amount of nautical collision insurance.  But rarely do my unknown correspondents ask me about myself; and since posing questions is the mark of a good conversationalist, I thought I should single out the few who really took the time to learn what makes me, Scott Clevenger, tick.

Unfortunately, the question I received today is not one of those casual, light-hearted queries you could imagine Deborah Kerr asking during the "Getting to Know You" number from The King and I . It is, in fact, a serious question, and its seriousness is underscored by following the question with the word "serious" between parentheses, which I just now realized is an entirely different form of punctuation than underscoring, but dammit, there's some (serious) shit going down, and I can't afford to get bogged down in your Shift Key Characters and your Strunks and your Whites! In fact, we've already wasted enough time, and I still have to get quotes over the phone from at least three reputable marine underwriters, just in case I mow down a waterskiing group of Go-Gos with my cigarette boat, so let's just deal with the big issue, the elephant in the room here:

If you do, then the elephant is superfluous. If you don't, then the elephant will unquestionably help you to reach your quota, but then you'll be faced with another question: to shovel its manure, or give up show business.

Hello Scott,

Please excuse the somewhat personal nature of this email, 

Hello, Poopologist Pete! (Since we're being so chummy and personal here, I figured you wouldn't mind if I dubbed you with a pet name. Feel free to call me No-Shit Scott.)

but the information we are about to share below is extremely important for both you and your digestive health.

I gotta admit, your phrasing concerns me, Pete. If there's anything I've learned from Tea Party pols and wingnut pundits, it's that "women's reproductive health" doesn't mean what it says, but is actually a synonym for abortion, therefore I worry that the same is true of "digestive health," and in this scenario the feces is the fetus, so my rights don't matter because your only concern is that I bring every turd to term.

You may not think that you're constipated, but in reality, it is VERY likely that you ARE.

This isn't argument, it's contradiction! Nevertheless, it'll probably make a better than average episode of Crossfire. "On the right! An email scam! On the left! Some blogger's blocked-up colon!"

You see, constipation is not simply "not being able to go", or only eliminating once a week...that's severe constipation. The truth is, a healthy digestive system should be eliminating after every meal.

In fact, if you're waiting until after the meal to release the bounty of your bowels, you're toying with death, so play it safe and shit yourself during the dessert course!

Are you moving your bowels several times a day, once for every meal you eat? 

Well, I certainly move myself several times a day (usually to the kitchen or the living room sofa), and whither I go, goest my bowels, because -- and forgive me for boasting -- I have a very Story of Ruth-style relationship with my lower G.I. tract.

If not, you are suffering from constipation, which will cause a build up of toxins and undigested, rotten, putrid food in your digestive system.

Unfortunately, thanks to a reduction of USDA food inspections going back to the Reagan Administration, that's pretty much the way it goes in.

This can make it much harder for you to lose fat while also wreaking havoc on your digestive system and overall health...really bad stuff. 

But is bad stuff better or worse than (serious stuff)? Maybe (serious stuff) is not as bad because it's only a parenthetical, or perhaps the punctuation marks are like the French horns in Peter and the Wolf, only in this case the parentheses represent your crap-choked colon?

Just imagine all that rotted, disgusting food sitting there in your digestive system...yuck!

You don't get a lot of second dates, do you?

Fortunately, this can be corrected rather quickly, with a few simple steps:

CLICK HERE==> 4 tips for healthy digestion and regular bowel movements

I didn't actually click the link, because I think I've got the gist: brush your teeth twice a day, but defecate after every meal. And don't just relieve yourself, really let go, punch that toilet water like a depth charge, hose down the stall walls like your anus was a Wagner Power Painter. And when you're finished, don't light a match, because lingering bathroom odors keep the Grim Reaper away.

I realize this topic is a little outside our normal bailiwick, but I thought it was an important PSA.

The Skewtape Letters

You remember Dean Chambers?  No?  He was the guy who decided all the polls showing Obama leading in the 2012 presidential election were "skewed" by professional skewers who were not able to find regular work transfixing chunks of lamb, chicken, and onion, and had to eke out a living pretending that Mitt Romney wasn't going to win the White House.  Dean's contrarian view of the polling data was welcomed by right wing media as a desperately needed antidote to Nat Silver's math, and they latched onto his conclusions like a horny dachshund with a human shin.  As a result, Chambers enjoyed a life of fame and fortune that had, in my friend Tony's words, "the half-life of a spark."

So okay, fine, Dean was completely, publicly, humiliatingly wrong about the polls, but while his math is even worse than mine, his gaydar is so deeply penetrating and infallible that it's like a superpower, and makes me suspect he was was bitten by a radioactive homosexual (this used to happen to me all the time when I lived in Chelsea), or acquired telepathy like the hero of  E.E. "Doc" Smith's Gay Lensman.

Commentary: Newsweek was right about Barack Obama

Few have forgotten the Newsweek magazine cover from May of 2012 which pronounced Barack Obama“The first gay president.”

I guess I'm one of the few, if not the proud, because I don't actually remember that at all.  In fact, I forgot that Newsweek still exists (does it?), but then Dean himself seems to have forgotten that he previously proved, with geometric logic, that Obama lost the election and therefore isn't President, gay or otherwise.

The feature article in that edition of Newsweek, written by Andrew Sullivan, basically argued that Barack Obama is the first gay president, because his views on gay marriage had evolved from support civil unions but opposing gay marriage (a position that Sullivan compared separate but equal racial discrimination) to his 2012 announcement that he was fully in support of gay marriage. For evolving to that point of view, Sullivan declared Obama the first gay president.

It's rare you find a paragraph, intended for publication and not the kind of thing just scribbled on a Pee-Chee during study hall, that's not only repetitious, but also missing key words.  To be fair, however, we should remember that Dean is a poll de-shish kebabber, and not a journalist.  Wait, let me check his bio...

Dean Chambers, inspired by the ideas of freedom and the principles of Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan, became an independent journalist, founding and editing two independent newspapers while in college. Dean was later inspired by the courageous independent journalism of Andrew Breitbart and seeks to answer the call for many more to become Andrew Breitbarts.

Dean apparently doesn't want to become Andrew Breitbart himself, he just wants to sit at the switchboard like Carol Your Time-Life Operator and answer the phone, but he does offer a simple 3-Step Program for those many more who hunger to become Andrew Breitbarts:

1. Be wrong on the Internet.  A lot.
2. Scream. A lot.
3. Drop dead.

Number 1 is something I can do in my sleep -- especially when I take Ambien and then decide to stay up and write a post for some reason. Number 2 is something I can easily pull off, as long as there's a spider involved.  Number 3 isn't something I have a lot of experience with, but it's looking more attractive the deeper I get into this article.

I think Sullivan is right, but not for the right reason. I do believe that Barack Obama is in fact our first gay president. But I believe this for entirely different reasons. I believe the man actually is gay. Don't tell me his marriage to Michelle and having two children disproves that he's gay. Remember Jim McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey, who got himself into some trouble, and then came out of the closet to declare himself a “gay American?” He was married and had children too, but that didn't stop him from being gay either.

Once again, the geometric logic.  There was a documented case of a guy who was married and had kids, and was gay!  Therefore, all men who are married and have kids are gay.  I'm married, but don't have kids, so I'm probably just bi.

There are two sources to the claim of Obama being gay that I believe are credible.

Is one of them your penis?  Or your anus?  I only ask because, as a former history major, I have a preference for primary sources. 

The first is Larry Sinclar, who wrote the book Barack Obama & Larry Sinclair: Cocaine, Sex, Lies & Murder? 

Why is there a question mark in that title?  Is Larry asking us if he did all that stuff with Obama?  How are we supposed to know?  I've only been to Chicago twice, and on neither occasion did anyone offer me cocaine, sex, or murder (although I'm pretty sure a guy lied to me about what was in the pupusas they were selling out of that stand in Montrose Field).

Sinclair says it was well known in the Chicago gay community that Barack Obama is gay.

"Public records and court filings reveal that [Sinclair] has a 27-year criminal record, with a specialty in crimes involving deceit. The record includes forgery charges in two states, one of which drew Sinclair a 16-year jail sentence. The Pueblo County, Colo., Sheriff's Office also has an outstanding warrant for Sinclair's arrest for forging an acquaintance's signature and stealing her tax refunds."

"It is what it is," said Sinclair's spokesman, Montgomery Blair Sibley, of his client's criminal record. "He's not hiding from it, he's not denying it."

And not denying that you're a criminal is the same thing as being honest.  But Mr. Sibley might be guilty of shading the truth himself, at least when he appeared with Larry at his press conference in 2008:

[A] kilted lawyer (with a suspended license) named Montgomery Blair Sibley...informed those assembled that his preferences in dress were arrived at as a way to secure comfort for his unusually large sexual organs. "I don't know why men wear pants," he said with a poker face. "It's a function of male genitalia. If you're size normal or smaller, you're probably comfortable with [pants]. ... Those at the other end of the spectrum find them quite confining." 

"I asked him to wear a suit and tie," Mr. Sinclair said ruefully. Then, he admitted to suffering from a brain tumor.

Back to Dean:

Frequent World Net Daily columnist, Dr. Jerome Corsi, has also researched and written on this issue. I believe he is a credible source as well. In this article, titled “Claim: Obama hid 'gay life' to become president,” Corsi documents extensively the claim that Obama is in fact gay.

I dunno, Dean, there seems to be a little too much slack in your tautology.  Nevertheless, Dr. Jerome Corsi is clearly a credible source on Who's Got The Gay?, because he also made this well-documented claim:

In a speech recently posted online, prolific conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi claims that the gay rights movement will ultimately lead to the legalization of pedophilia, bestiality and “snuff films” in which you “kill a few people because it’s sexually exciting.” 

“If sex becomes disassociated from a biblical purpose, than all the abuses we saw in paganism are about to return,” Corsi warns, adding that if the country “proceeds down this path…there will no longer be any basis for freedom in the United States.”

As much as it pains me to admit, Corsi is right. Ever since marriage equality became legal in California, Netflix has been suggesting so many snuff films that they've completely pushed my C. Thomas Howell and Deanna Durbin wishlists to the second page!

Perhaps this answers the question about whether Obama really is a Christian or whether he is a Muslim, as some have claimed and polls show that a minority of American still believe the President Obama is a Muslim. This might well be why Obama actually is a Christian, and at some point chose to become one. Christians don't hate gays; Christians who believe that homosexuality is wrong take the humane approach of loving the sinner and opposing the sin. Muslims, on the other hand, have been known to stone someone for being gay. 

Would you be a Muslim if it put you as risk for being killed because of your lifestyle choices?

Hey, you're the guy recruiting people to become Breitbarts, and that's a job with a slightly higher mortality rate than that nitroglycerin-hauling gig in The Wages of Fear.

James Lewis Carroll

James Lewis ("a scientist by trade, [who] carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly") is back, this time using Science to prove that the President is one'a them deviated preverts.

Dangerous Times: Obama's Perversity 

In economics, a "perverse effect" means getting what you don't want. If McDonald's makes an executive decision to sell lousy burgers

We call that a "business plan" or "mission statement."

and ends up bankrupt, that is a perverse decision. Markets are tough on companies that act perversely

Granted, it's tough love (the Markets will still have sex with a perverse company, but they'll donkeypunch it for coming up with the McDLT).

but the Amazonian jungle of government allows perverse incentives to flourish and spread.

But thanks to slash and burn agriculture, 1½ acres of perverse incentives are destroyed in the Amazon every second.

Chicago is basically a one-party regime.

At least, that's what Carl Sandburg called it, after "Hog Butcher for the World," "Stacker of Wheat," and "Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action," (which would have been the municipal motto, except it sounds really dirty in Latin).

How can you tell if you're living under one-party rule? Your media aren't going to tell you. Your government isn't either. Your schools are part of the mob monopoly.

I know that's how it was at my school.  Almost all the rowers on the Varsity sculling crew were made men.

But there are signs: the biggest one is that open scandals and crimes have no consequences. We all know Holder is a perverse attorney general, that the EPA is run by scientific know-nothings...that "green technology" contradicts the known facts of physics, and that "catastrophic climate change" is a self-serving farce.

In the past we've speculated on which scientific trade Mr. Lewis practices, and I think I've narrowed it down.  He either holds the Einstein-Rosen Bridgework Chair in Theoretical Dentistry, or perhaps he's a humble Torsion Field hand.

This presidency is practically defined by its perversity. When this administration gets caught with its pants down, it just becomes even more grandiose.

Well, you know what they say about the way those people are...gifted.  It's twue.

All the scandals the media decided to expose after the election have not changed any behavior.

Or turned out to be scandals.

Anybody with a computer can now read the weekly exposés of the much-admired British government's health system, with dirty, overcrowded hospital rooms; spreading antibiotic resistance; poor treatment for older people (who don't have enough QALYs left on their life tickets); and deliberately uncontrolled immigration to bring in cheap Labour voters. These are all in our future.

I admit, it's a pretty boring reboot of Westworld.

But Americans voted for Obama because he would relieve their white guilt forever.

It's twue, eight years of Bush-Cheney made it so uncool to be a middle aged white dude that even before the 2008 election I had taken to putting on a turban and passing myself off as Korla Pandit.

They chose not to know the consequences. When things fall apart, they will blame another scapegoat. Obama's perversity -- his endless big promises leading to terrible outcomes -- echoes the growing perversity of our culture. This is a very stubborn disease, and it may take decades to cure.

Note that this particular strain of perversity has already mutated from a hamburger to a rainforest to a disease, so please stop taking antibiotics every time you get sick, wouldja?  You're just adding to the ever growing list of methicillin-resistant metaphors.

The Jihad War is yet another example of perversity. There certainly is a danger of foreign attacks today, but this is not the first time: in 1812, the Redcoats burned the White House down.

Far be it from me to challenge of the facts of a Scientific Tradesman, but the White House burned down in 1814, so if the Redcoats lit the blaze in 1812, I can only conclude they used a really crappy accelerant.

The Soviets ran constant bomber and submarine probes against the U.S., just as we did to them. Previous U.S. responses to military threats have been proportionate.

For instance, when the U.S. was attacked by Saudis operating out of Afghanistan, we invaded Iraq.

But Obama authorized global violations of the privacy rights of billions of people all over the world. Under Obama, we have abused the greatest promises of web technology.

Really?  Because it seems to be delivering porn just fine.

In this Brave New World, we still can't answer the ancient question -- can you trust a stranger with your private information? -- in the affirmative.

Ah, so something that's never been true is still not true. That's quite a perversityburger.

Scientific American

All right, we went five rounds with Philosophy in our last post, now it's time to give Science! a chance to kick our ass.  (But just regular Science!, not the Sweet Science, because I think that'd probably give it an unfair advantage in the ring).  So who's on the card today?  An old ham 'n egger familiar to regular fans of World O' Crap's Underground Bloodsport Kumite and Souplantation -- James (The Ravagin' Rationalist) Lewis, who in his previous bouts (examples here and here), modestly allowed that he's "a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly".  James is wearing blue and brown trunks with white trim, representing the muddy, but patriotic color scheme of American Thinker.

An Uncontrollable Ego 

IRS. FBI. NSA... Under Obama they consistently exceed their previously understood legal powers. Yes, there was technical consent by the secret FISA court for massive NSA spying. In times of national threat the FISA court is a pushover; just imagine if they said "No" and we had another 9/11/01.

When has the FISA court ever not been a pushover?  Hell, I've got a partially herniated disc and a torn rotator cuff and I could throw it up against the lockers and take its lunch money.  But as we shall see, it's not the mere technical legality of NSA and FBI spying that troubles Mr. Lewis.  Nor is it the fact that the IRS didn't really spy on anybody, but James needed one more three initial agency and he's hoping you won't notice that he just sort of tossed it in there like a fistful of corn starch to thicken up his thin sauce of an opening sentence.  No, what bothers him most is that the organs of U.S. intelligence gathering and Federal law enforcement are now under the control of a Negro -- which is the exact same nightmare J. Edgar Hoover once had after catching a dollar matinee of Watermelon Man at the Uptown Theater.

But first, James will demonstrate his mastery of the scientific method by imagining Supreme Court Justices piercing the Bill of Rights with phallic symbols:

So they drove a dagger into the U.S. Constitution rather than stand for principle, the way Chief Justice John Roberts helped damage the Constitution by voting for ObamaCare, and the Burger Court shafted the Constitution and ruined millions of young lives with unrestricted abortion.

I was hoping it wouldn't happen so soon in the post, but I'm afraid my lack of scientific training is already beginning to tell, because I'm confused about whose "young lives" were "ruined" by abortion after Warren Burger poked his penis through the parchment at the National Archives.  I mean,  I'm used to right bloggers complaining that abortion "kills millions of babies," but I don't agree that it ruins a young woman's life if she's not forced to bring an unwanted pregnancy to term.  Or maybe James has access to secret scientific studies which indicate the "abortion is murder" trope isn't getting as much traction as they expected, and is just trying out a new spin:

"What happens when you've got a souffle in the oven and you open the door too soon?  The souffle is ruined!  Well, the same thing happens when you've got a bun in the oven..."

Perhaps the most damaging Leftist assault ever was reverse discrimination to make up for white racial sins going back to the slave trade that ended in 1865; that racialist revenge narrative still drives reverse discrimination, forty years after the start of "affirmative" action. It will never end, as long as there is a penny to be made on racial blackmail.

Hm...there seems to be something missing from Mr. Lewis's data set.  Maybe some trend or social order that existed between the end of the "slave trade" in 1865, and the beginnings of affirmative action in 1965.  Maybe something having to do with state and local laws....of a race-based nature...?  Had kind of a short, catchy nickname...You know what I'm talking about, right, Jim?

The equal protection clause is gone. 

Suddenly, there was no trail.  No clause.  No monster.  There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves along with shadows and darkness.  So I guess the joke's on us.

Every time the left imagines another victim group, that gaping wound in constitutional protections grows larger and larger

Anytime anyone who isn't a white man uses a constitutional protection, it's like giving the 14th Amendment an episiotomy.

 -- first on behalf of American blacks, then for all "people of color," then women and gays, and now, illegal immigrants.

Those are all great, very imaginative victim groups, but I'm thinking we can push the envelope a bit more. 

"What about, like, super hot Silvan Elves who earn only 73 cents on the dollar compared to a Man of the West?"

 Reverse racial discrimination has empowered an unelected political class growing fat and thuggish on a new spoils system. With ObamaCare, racial spoils may capsize our elected ship of state, leaving only an EU-type corruptocracy.

Affordable healthcare leads to obesity and The Poseidon Adventure.

The Left has pushed against the Constitution beginning with the Wilson administration and World War I.

Which was pretty stupid of them, because it says clearly right there on the Constitution, "Pull."  But what do you expect from a perpetually stoned Yippie like A. Mitchell Palmer?

 What's different about Obama is his Leninist grandiosity, combined with amazing oppositional-defiant disorder.

So, Mr. Science, you're diagnosing our 51-year old President with a behavioral affliction common to children?  Why don't you just call him "Boy" and get it out of your system?

 In street language that means his f-u attitude.

Thanks for the translation, it saved me a trip to Urban Dictionary, but I'm a little surprised The Street is so squeamish about profanity.

MAN:  Can I have a sip of that?

STREET:  No!  Get the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks away from my M-Fing ice tea!

Obama takes pleasure in waving his finger in the air while violating our most precious values. Obama's narcissism and oppositional-defiance therefore control his official actions.

While Supreme Court Chief Justices are using the Constitution as a Fleshlight, Obama is out there flouting our precious belief that high government officials shouldn't mime prostate exams.

The week after Obama's first inauguration, commuters in New York City were shocked when Air Force One buzzed the Statue of Liberty. When the White House was queried nobody took responsibility. But only the President of the United States can override standing orders and FAA safety rules in that symbolic act of giving the middle finger to the whole country, within sight of the ruined Twin Towers.

Presidents of the United States must always travel with two briefcases: the "Football," which contains the nuclear launch codes, and the "Shuttlecock," which contains the phone number of the FAA, just in case the leader of the free world gets a yen to make Air Force One buzz around lower Manhattan like it's a big-ass Cox Mustang.

In fact, it was some guy in some office in the White House who approved the flyover of a plane that wasn't actually Air Force One, so they could snap some pictures, which the FAA doesn't actually seem to have any rules against, and which most people have completely forgotten about, since it happened back in 2009.  But James appears haunted by Obama's middle finger, whether literal or symbolic, so you can see why this kind of thing would have lodged inside his consciousness, at least up to the second knuckle.

Today the Europeans are genuinely afraid of Obama. If you doubt that, look at these two news photos. The first shows Frau Merkel looking with fear and doubt in her eyes at Obama in Germany this week. 

I'm no expert in psycho-photo-analysis, but all I see is a picture of Chancellor Merkel looking German.  Maybe a little extra German, but it could just be that her plastic ear thingy is pinching.

Merkel started life as a communist in East Germany, but seems acutely aware of personality cults like Stalin's and Obama's. She fears what she knows.

But she knows what she likes, and you can tell she's thinking, "If I wasn't a frau I would tear that up."

The second photo shows Britain's David Cameron doing that little head bow that politicians do around Obama. Both photos show fear of Obama's arbitrary temper and rage, which is by now understood by governments around the world.

Yes, you can see the Prime Minister has gone rigid with terror, and appears to be releasing a cascade of urine down his leg in the hopes that if he can only hold this pose, Obama might mistake him for the Manneken Pis fountain and just take a snapshot.

Merkel's look is particularly revealing, because it was her job this week to protest against Obama's unbounded NSA spying against Germans and other Europeans, who have known Obamas before --- Mussolini, Hitler, Lenin, Stalin, and a raft of other control freaks who became enraged when their orders were not followed. Led by our loathsome media, many Americans took the public revelations about Obama's abuses of power with a shrug. The Germans did not, because they still suffer from earlier generations of Obamas.

Obama's "Show Trials" may lack the authenticity of Stalin's purges, but thanks to the President's dupes in the entertainment industry, they do feature jazzier Show Trial Tunes.

The Muslim world has come to the same conclusion. The farcical Arab Spring started after Obama told Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak to leave office, arbitrarily, in the single most blatant act of public imperialism in American history.

It's the total arbitrariness of Obama's decision-making that's so frightening, because you never know when he wakes up if he'll order a Denver omelet and a glass of grapefruit juice, or demand the resignation of a world leader and then just grab some Sanka and an Eggo frozen waffle.

Even more mystifying is the fact that protests erupted in Cairo on January 25, and by February 8, the President was still refusing to call for Mubarak's resignation.  So in order for Obama to have started the Arab Spring by firing the Egyptian President, he would need a time machine, which explains why James sounds less like he's doing Science, and more like he's writing fiction -- because he's actually doing both.  It's Science Fiction!

Based on his own messianic authority, Obama has brought nothing but war and suffering to the Middle East.

Okay, Obama hasn't been the best messiah we've ever had in the Middle East, but to be fair, George W. Bush, Prince of Peace, is a hard act to follow.

The Saudis fear him as a wild man who has brought Mecca and Medina within easy range of Iranian nuclear weapons. Israel has not been damaged so far, but they don't want a wild man running U.S. policy either.

I'm guessing James' field is astrophysics, since he seems to have discovered a mirror universe where everybody sports goatees.

Politics is worse today than it has been for decades, because of the rise of the Boomer Left, culminating in Obama the Messiah.

Which, when you're expecting Jesus, is sort of like when you open the door in a game of "Mystery Date" and get the sloppy beatnik instead of the crewcut guy with the corsage.

Wise policymakers understand the limits of their power and end up practicing the rule of "First, Do No Harm." We now have a U.S. president who has turned that upside-down: First, do some harm.

Please do not reveal the incredible twist ending to James' previous paragraph.  Especially if M. Night Shyamalan is within earshot.

It hasn't worked, and it won't. Obama is a loose cannonball. He has only one guiding principle, the aggrandizement of his own ego. But just one Nobel Peace Prize, just one presidency, can never be enough for his insatiable needs. Obama will always need more. 

Obama wants to control everything except himself. That has always been a formula for tyranny, and Obama is no exception. 

Character is destiny.

It would also appear, James, that cartoon character is destiny -- especially if you're destined to write for American Thinker.