You Might Already Be An Idiot! I Mean...Winner!

Somehow I've gotten on the National Rifle Association's mailing list, which is evidently a pretty easy thing to do; in fact, it took no effort on my part whatsoever. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and was struck by a stray missive fired off by Wayne LaPierre (literally, "Wayne the Peter"), who was furiously exercising Amendment Number One because he loves Number Two.

This has been the toughest year that gun owners have ever faced. 

I understand gun victims also had occasion for complaint this year, but hey, they got what they had coming (bullets, apparently).

Radical gun-hating extremists have called us vile names

But names can never hurt you, Wayne! Okay, theoretically I suppose they could hurt your feelings, if you ever decided to develop any, but let's not get lost in wild hypotheticals. 

But rather than take the easy path and give up the fight, you've stood tall with me and the NRA every step of the way. 

Wayne's made-up version of me sounds so cool and heroic I almost hate to break it to him...

And as an extra way to thank you for your extraordinary commitment to freedom, I'd like to invite you to enter for YOUR chance to WIN in our NRA Banned Guns Giveaway!

NOTE: Guns not actually banned outside fever dreams and fundraising letters.

That's right. While Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are trying to ban our guns, NRA is giving guns away – 12 world-class firearms that are sure to turn heads at the range and become the pride of any gun owner's collection.

This is a bit like those old entry packets Publishers Clearing House used to send, the ones with Ed McMahon's face declaring "You May Already Be a Winner!" You might, I suppose, although opening that envelope was far more likely to net you a paper cut than a million dollars. By the same token, Wayne (standing in for Ed's disembodied head) is offering me a chance to increase my chance of accidental death 7 times!

Entering is fast and easy. You can enter to win just one of these great guns, two guns, or even all 12 guns – the choice is yours.

Only you know how tired you are of living. Or how scared you are of dying. That's why we recommend use of the patented Old Man River Scale®.

The great thing about this metric -- from Wayne's perspective, at least -- is that whenever the slider reaches 75% on either side of the scale, you're more likely to buy a gun.

No contribution is necessary to enter, however "with the most critical mid-term elections of our lives less than seven weeks away, NRA needs your support more than ever before."

NRA went on a bit of a spree in 2016, spending $54.4 million on Republican candidates and dropping over $31 million on Trump, but apparently from an insufficient height. And for whatever mysterious, ultimately unknowable reason (the black guy is gone) the NRA has fearmongered to diminishing returns these past two years, with member dues "plummeting".

And it's probably worse than reported, because I suspect (based on purely anecdotal, but extremely irritating information) that a lot of the "Life Members" on the NRA's roster are in fact participating under false pretenses, because they're dead.

After his father -- a Life Member of the NRA -- passed away, my step-brother Miles asked that Dad's membership be cancelled, by which he meant "stop sending all these goddamn fundraising letters because you're not getting another dime out of anyone in this house! In fact, I go to the trouble of writing 'Forget It' and sending back the enclosed envelope just so you get charged for the postage!"

Despite this air-tight reasoning NRA refused to comply, implicitly laying perpetual claim to any soul who signs their book (which now that I think about it is exactly how Satan acts in any film or story where someone makes a deal with the Devil, then gets cold feet). And you can see their point, because donations to the NRA depend on results, results depend on influence, and raw political muscle depends on sheer numbers, so naturally they'll do anything to inflate their rolls, even if the actual breakdown is something like "1.8 million Active Members; 2.2 million Auxiliary Members; 2.3 million Horizontal Members".

If they win, Schumer and Pelosi will move forward with an extremist anti-gun agenda that will rip the heart right out of our Second Amendment rights – including gun registration and gun-owner licensing… 

JAMES MADISON: "When we said 'a well-regulated militia', we didn't mean go crazy and have, like, paperwork..."

The NRA is working 24/7 to get our message to gun-owning voters and STOP a gun-ban takeover of Congress. But to continue reaching out to American gun owners until the moment the polls close, we need your immediate financial support.

No, no, no, you've got this extortion thing all wrong! You don't say "I'm going to be a personal nuisance to you for the next 30 days, and I need your money to pull it off!" You say you'll do all that stuff "unless you pay me!" Hearing that you're planning to hassle me from now until Election Day and then every day thereafter because when have you ever stopped ever, whether I give you money or not so I might as well give you money, does not properly incentivize me, Wayne! I realize that's how negotiations work in The Art of the Deal, but here in the non-ghostwritten world, you gotta give Daddy a little something if you want that sugar.

That's why – even though it's not required and won't increase your chances of winning – I'm asking you to contribute $5 to NRA for each of the guns you enter to win in our giveaway.

See, that's exactly what I told you not to do, Wayne. It's almost like, despite all the times I've stood tall with you and not taken the easy way, you don't really respect me.

Please enter today for your chance to win – and to help stop a gun-ban landslide on Election Day that could cost us our FREEDOM!

BUZZZ!

ALEX TREBEK: Returning champion, Scott Clevenger.

SCOTT: What is "Things Ted Nugent would say while free-styling during a duet with Stevie Nicks"?

Thanks again for standing with me every single day of this fight.

I will stand by you as I have always stood by you, Wayne. Which is to say, slightly off to the left, wearing an expression of studied innocence and an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt.

Spam as a 2nd Language

From the ol' mailbag:

SCOTT! Why is "fisting" seen as taboo?

I'm glad you asked. At its best, the hand -- along with its handmaidens, the fingers -- is capable of great beauty and subtlety, realizing the mind's loftiest ambitions and producing art, music, and the vast, enduring monuments of industrial and scientific progress, while the fist is regarded as the hand's dumber, drunker, more violent brother. Think of it as the Billy Carter, or Randy Quaid of the body.  You may love the fist -- and in turn be loved by it, forcefully and greasily -- but you'd just as soon it not put in an appearance at Thanksgiving.

Ask Dr. Bible!

While some of the spam I receive consists of partisan political appeals (I'm looking at you NRA, and you, Reince Priebus), most of it is ecumenical in nature and clearly designed to lure the broadest possible range of Americans -- by which I mean rubes, patsies, and morons -- irrespective of party or religious affiliation. But today's random phishing expedition is rather narrowly focused, and seems to have been purpose-built to entice one specific demographic: libertarian Old Testament scholars.

Science Proves Biblical Cure (Atheists Stunned)

Reconstruction of the crime scene confirms that an atheist was stunned, but CSI believes it was a blunt instrument -- possibly a folding shovel -- rather than a peer reviewed paper on the Honey and Locust Diet.

Dear Reader,

So far I'm more of a Skimmer, Mr. Scammer, but do go on...

I just came across some research you need to check out…

Granted, I'm no constitutional expert, but I'm pretty sure random spammers are not legally entitled to assign me homework.

Although this is a little out of character for me, take a look at the picture below…

There was no picture below, which ironically, is totally in character for you. Or I forgot to enable images, which would be totally in character for me. Anyway, it's ironic.

It’s a detailed look at one of one of the most controversial passages in the entire Bible.

"If she sends one of yours to the mikveh, you send one of hers to the menstrual hut. That's the Canaanite way!" (Modess 3:16)

Its meaning has been studied and examined for thousands of years, but recently, scientists have linked this passage with something no one could have imagined.

Toaster pudding! It came as a surprise to everyone...

In a shocking twist, researchers may be looking to the Bible to cure one of our deadliest diseases.

Or researchers may be looking to Bob to make the Starbucks run because it's like 10:30 already and yes it is your turn Bob, because you skipped out on it last time, and no I don't care if you had a dentist's appointment. Learn to schedule around your responsibilities, Bob!

Look, the point is, it may be a shocking twist, it may be caffeine withdrawal -- we just don't know. Researchers are inscrutable that way.

Thanks to a misunderstood phrase buried on Page 1,117 of the King James Bible… people from across the country are miraculously curing themselves of diabetes…

While people who correctly interpret the phrase are still suffering from foot ulcers and renal failure. So while the Scientific Method has proven useful in certain fields of study, the greatest advances in medical science continue to be achieved through poor reading comprehension.

Sometimes in as little as 3 days!

So misread the Bible, head to Bonneroo, and by the time Tiki Disco is closing out the festival, you'll be diabetes free!

Atheists hate this… but they can’t refute it.

ATHEIST: Your ability to scientifically misunderstand Early Modern English translations of Greek and Latin translations of Hebrew and Aramaic transcriptions of Bronze Age oral traditions has left me in a logical cleft stick from which I have but one way out!

See full details here.

tl;dr: Does not actually contain full details of the Biblical diabetes cure, but you will learn a fair amount about what identity theft feels like.

You may never look at your family Bible the same way again.

That's already the case, since I'm a modern, technically savvy man, and I had our Super8 home movies transferred to VHS, and our family Bible transferred to View-Master slide wheels; and believe me, you've never misunderstood the the Good Book until you've misunderstood it in 3-D!

Sincerely,
Doug Hill
Director, Laissez Faire Club

P.S. If you have any atheist friends, show them this and watch their faces.

They should light up with either hilarity or pity, depending on whether they think you're in on the joke.  Then show them Doug's face...

...and see where they think he falls on the Voit-AMF Punchability Scale. (Personally, I thinks he ranks a solid 500 -- 1 for every poor sap who's accidentally clicked "Yes" on one of Doug's LinkedIn friend requests.)

So there you go. Please join us next week, when we'll be curing shingles and jock itch by mispronouncing verses 591 through 603 of the Bhagavad Gita.

The Missing Box Office Receipts of Benghazi!

I was cleaning out the spam folder today when I came upon an email from my old friend, FedUp PAC, demanding to know if I'd done my patriotic duty and gone to see 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi. Now, I usually ignore FedUp PAC's communiques, partly because they insist my name is "Tommy S" for some reason, partly because their appeals are invariably composed of equal parts grift and spleen, but mostly because consorting with someone who addresses you by an assumed name and just wants to screw you out of money is exactly what I imagine it feels like to spend time in a shabby motel room with a hooker (note to self: call David Vitter to confirm).

But as it happens, I did see 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (at a pre-release screening), and wondered what F-Up thought of it; and since it bombed at the box office and is presently being pushed out of theaters by Kung Fu Panda 3, there's nobody else I can talk to about it.

The murder of four Americans that should have never happened

Well, sure, but I kind of feel like no murders should happen. Or all murders should not happen.

Tommy S, 

Can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?

As the new movie 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi opened nationwide this past weekend, Hillary Clinton's enablers in the media attacked it relentlessly.

While moviegoers ignored it assiduously.

Who would you rather believe concerning the September 11, 2012, terrorist attack in Benghazi, Libya, that took the lives of four Americans - Hillary Clinton or the heroes on the scene that horrible night who prevented even greater loss of life?

Or to put it another way, would you rather believe the U.S. Secretary of State, or a bunch of mercenaries who were trying to gin up book sales and a movie deal by writing about what badasses they are? I'm gonna go with None of the Above, because Hillary is a politician and the mercs seem like the kind of guys who would have beaten me up in high school.

But wait! Don't choose yet! What if you had a choice between believing seven congressional investigations that found no wrongdoing on the part of the Administration, or FedUp PAC, a "political action committee" that has made no donations or expenditures, but still somehow run up debts of $282,853, probably by overpaying the guy who spams my email and calls me "Tommy." Now who would you rather believe?

But don't answer yet! Suppose the choice of who to believe is telling the truth about what really happened that night in Benghazi was between Thor and the Hulk, and whoever wins gets to punch Trey Gowdy?

Please go immediately to the National Opinion Survey on the Benghazi Attack to answer that question and others related to events during and after the strike.

Nobody told me there'd be a quiz today.

With the release of 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi as the backdrop, this is the perfect opportunity for you to sound out on responsibility for the murder of four Americans in Benghazi, including U.S. Ambassador to Libya Chris Stevens - a story that Republicans in Congress have failed to reveal.

So we should elect Michael Bay to Congress? I gotta admit, he'd probably do less damage that way.  But it's interesting that FedUp PAC is frothing over the demise of Chris Stevens, because in the film the ambassador is portrayed as a smug, ineffectual Beta Male whose failure to defer to men who outrank him in the Greek alphabet practically invited his own death.

FedUp PAC will rush results of the National Opinion Survey on the Benghazi Attack to conservative websites within 48 hours.

Apparently that didn't go quite as planned, because when I googled "National Opinion Survey on the Benghazi Attack" I got one result -- the "National Opinion Survey on the Benghazi Attack" on FedUp PAC's website. So either F-Up forgot to mark the results "RUSH", or they did, and the conservative websites just tossed it, assuming it was a CD of Snakes and Arrows or Vapor Trails.

That way, Survey results will have a wide audience at the same time Americans are turning out to watch the Benghazi movie.

Excellent! Of course, if the Survey has the same wide audience as the Benghazi movie, the respondents will consist of me and an elderly gentleman in a Red Sox cap who fell asleep playing Texas Hold 'Em on his iPhone.

If Hillary Clinton had her way, 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi would have never seen the light of day. 

As it was, the audience had their way, and 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi not only saw the light of day, it glimpsed its shadow, which means six more weeks of conspiracy theories.

After all, Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State at the time of the Benghazi attack.

She was responsible for the security of Americans at U.S. embassies and consulates on foreign soil.

I never knew the position Secretary of State is basically just a glorified security guard, but now I realize Obama should have appointed Paul Blart, Mall Cop, because he works for $7.25 an hour, plus whatever day-old sticky buns he can scrounge from the Cinnabon.

But when Ambassador Stevens pleaded for better protection of the U.S. diplomatic compound at Benghazi, his urgent requests fell on deaf ears.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi shows what happened next.

But in order to show what happens next, the movie would have to show what you just said it shows first. And it doesn't. In fact, the film makes a point of Stevens rejecting the need for more security, because he wants to appear approachable to the locals. I'm beginning to think F'dUp didn't bother to actually watch 13H:TSSoB, and are just repeating the same old right wing taking points about Benghazi because they assume those mothballs are the plot.

Having sat through the entire 144 minute running time, I can tell you that what happened next is that everyone involved wrote a book blaming everyone else, then one of them won the lottery and it got made into a dull movie by a guy who previously filled the silver screen with giant robot testicles.

Seeing the compound engulfed in flames, the team got ready at once to go to the rescue.

All of a sudden, they got a different order.

It was the CIA base chief for the Benghazi area ordering the commandoes to "stand down."

According to the CIA base chief, he never said "stand down." According to the movie, he did, so who you gonna believe? (Before you answer, I should point out that all the mercenaries had full, manly beards, while the CIA chief could barely manage a weedy Van Dyke, so the movie's thesis appears to be that the bushier a man's facial hair, the more credible he is a witness to History [who would you rather trust -- Grizzly Adams or Snidely Whiplash?], and is also the origin of the phrase "bald-faced liar" I just decided. Remember, as the old saying goes, "Men may twiddle the twinks, but they marry the bears.")

What's more, Hillary Clinton quickly joined in blaming the attack on local Muslims angry about an anti-Muslim video posted to the Internet.

Are we still pretending to talk about what happens in 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi?  Because Hillary Clinton is not in the movie.

That bald-faced lie was finally exposed when a private Hillary Clinton e-mail to her daughter Chelsea the very same night came to light admitting she knew that an Islamic terrorist group had carried out the Benghazi attack.

Hillary Clinton does have a bald face, or at most one of those sparse white Grandma Mustaches that you only really notice when she comes in close for a smooch on Thanksgiving.  

Now with the release of 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi, public attention is refocused on the Benghazi cover up in a way that only big Hollywood movies can do.

Similarly, since the release of the docudrama Fantastic Four, not a single American has been recklessly exposed to cosmic rays and transformed into a hideous orange rock monster that talks like Max from Hart to Hart.

Anyway, this goes on for awhile, with every other paragraph pushing a link to the National Opinion Survey on the Benghazi Attack, so I finally broke down and took it. I only got a C+, but in my defense I hadn't studied and I was nude, so if anyone tells you that dream can't happen, they're bald-faced liars!

Spam as a 2nd Language: The Witch Doctor Edition

After compiling all those quotes to mark the anniversary of Doghouse Riley's passing, I visited his much lamented blog, Bats Left, Throws Right, thinking to rifle through the archives and assuage my blues, when I noticed there was a new comment on the last thing he posted. I immediately clicked through, figuring someone else had dropped by to commemorate the day. Instead, I discovered that noted Las Vegan Segio Collins had materialized, like a latter day Doug Henning, to deliver a prophecy which we ignore at our peril:

My name is Segio Collins from United States Las Vegas, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, I was the world’s biggest septic.

Well, there you go. I've seen some pretty impressive transfigurations in the Harry Potter books (woman into cat, mouse into snuffbox, teapot into tortoise), but any spell that can turn a large subterranean tank full of urine and feces into a man capable of spamming the comment threads of deceased blogs is powerful and genuine indeed.

I never believed in magic spells or anything like that, but I was told by a reliable source Doctor Ebakor a great spell caster helping me retrieving back my relationship with my EX girlfriend back when she ended and turned back to me for quite a long time now (3 months ago). 

Three months? Seems like Segio was a little LAX about retrieving his EX.

He performed a spell for me and for 24 hours after the spell had been casted i receive a text from my EX girlfriend saying that she is sorry for what happened and the she needs me back.

"After she texted me for 24 hours straight, however, I realized sex is overrated, and decided to maybe look into league bowling."

I want to recommend Doctor Ebaklor to the world. You can reach and contact him on his private email; Doctorebakorspelltemple@hotmail.com. thank you so much Doctor Ebakor.

Now I'm no septic, but before engaging the good Doctor's services, I'd want to straighten out whether his name was Ebaklor or Ebakor, and get a guarantee he wouldn't use his supernatural powers to insert random "L"s into my name, because there's no way to introduce yourself as "Sclott Clevelngler" without sounding drunk.

Anyway, money is tight, and I've gotten in the habit of comparison shopping, so I Googled Doctor Ebakor, and discovered his satisfied clients are all over the Internet.  Here's just one example out of four thousand results:

Am Mario Charos from Switzerland, i want to share my great testimony to Doctor Ebakor the great spell caster that brought back my Husband within 12 to 16 hours. 

Doctor Ebakor has improved on his time, and is now achieving the kind of fast-acting results usually associated with tiny time capsules.

When i contacted Doctor Ebakor i never taught that this would have been possible but to my greatest surprise after 12 to 16 hours of me contacting Doctor Ebakor my EX boyfriend called me and said that he is ready to make up for lost time and he wants me to forgive him and accept him back as my lover

Well this is awkward, because now Mario's husband and his EX boyfriend have both come crawling back in the same 12 to 16 hours, which isn't going to leave him much time for a refractory period.

I clicked through another search result, and discovered that Segio and Mario got nothing on Marina:

All thanks to Doctor Ebakor for restoring my marriage
My name is Marina Panes and I base in USA... 

Base what? Base jump? Freebase? Ace of Base?

My life is back!!! After 3 years of broken marriage, my husband left me with three kids. I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. 

Well suicide is no joking matter, and my first instinct is to urge Marina to get help, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to clog up our suicide hotlines with fictional witchcraft consumers.

Thanks to the great spell caster called Dr. Ebakor, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster.

Remember the early days of Yelp when it was all spellcaster reviews? (In fact, the name "Yelp" comes from the sound made by users who left bad spellcaster feedback and subsequently got their Voodoo doll jabbed in the ass with a hatpin. Prove me wrong, Snopes!)

Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer and other sickness.

To be clear, curing cancer and other sickness is his day job. He only restores wombs in his spare time and frankly, he's no Bob Vila.

Some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on.

This is the root of our adversarial legal system: Prosecutor versus defense attorney, divorce lawyer versus witchdoctor.

Dr. Ebakor is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try Dr. Ebakor anytime and he might be the answer to your problems. 

Well now that your husband has returned it seems like your only really serious problem is punctuation. I don't know if it's worth sacrificing a goat in a graveyard at midnight to correct, but it's something to think about.

But don't imagine for a moment that Doctor Ebakor has a monopoly on the spellcasting game. Next I checked out First30Days.com, Inspiration and Expert Advice for any Change in your Life, where I found a short boilerplate post about how Divorce is hard, and your first month will likely be spent having feelings and stuff.  But the real action was in the comments, as a battle royale broke out between the partisans of various magical Finders of Lost Loves:

Hello to the world i am Leroy..

Word of advice, Leroy: if you don't want people to assume you're a bot, maybe don't introduce yourself with a line that makes you sound like a C++ compiler.

i want to say that Dr Bully the mighty spell caster from India. He is the only spell caster that can help you solve your problem in 48 hours...after passing through a lot of problems in my marriage, i contacted Dr Bully Shrine in Mumbai India and in 48 hours, my wife who we were divorced for 4 years is back to me for ever...

Granted, she's in a variety of different formaldehyde-filled jars, but still...

Dr Bully is highly spiritual and can never disappoint you in any problem. No matter what type of Relationship, Marital, Getting Pregnant, Want a Baby,Court Case and disease you have, he is definitely the best answer for you in 48 hours...

I'm sorry, maybe I'm spoiled by today's modern spellcasting technology, but after the kind of 12 to 16 hour service people routinely get from Doctor Ebakor, 48 hours is excruciating. It's the age of the digital camera phone, baby, and this is like waiting two days to get your snapshots back from the drug store.

However, Dr Bully does seem to offering a wider array of services than his competitors:

(1) If you want your ex back.(2) you need a divorce in your relationship.(3) You want to be promoted in your office.(4) You want women & men to run after you.(5) If you want a child.6) You want to be rich.(7) You want to tie your husband & wife to be yours forever.(8) If you need financial stance.(9) He can make you pregnancy
(10) GET BACK YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND WITHIN 48 HOURS

Full disclosure: I'm currently involved in a lawsuit with Dr Bully because I hired him to GET BACK MY GAY BOYFRIEND, but he made me pregnancy instead. 

Next up was an unsolicited testimonial for dr. trust:

Hi My name is "BEKAR JOE" I was married for 15years with lilian. things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... 

Every time you asked her to call you "BEKAR JOE", I presume.

But it's not just men with crappy marriages who shout their unlikely nicknames at the top of their lungs. There's also the quiet heartbreak of Angela, from Columbia.

I was frustrated and did not know want to do until i saw some testimonies on the internet about people with similar problem and all other kind of problem and how a (spell caster) or (witch doctor) call Metodo Acamu helped them with spells. Me being me, contacted him with the address that was left on the internet 

(Chuckling)  Oh, that is so you.  Or so Raven. One or the other.

and like every (witch doctor) in know in Colombia he asked that i provide the materials needed for the work most of then were only found in India and Somalia i just gave him the money to get them for me because i told him i could not get them he offered to help me with his contact there. 

You know, this whole thing sounded kind of fishy until you got to the part about sending a stranger whose name sounds like an unsolvable anagram a blank check to buy witchcraft supplies from Somalia, but now I'm sold!

It was only after seven days he contacted with news of completed the work and sent me a package am not to disclose through some courier service underground that deliver thing like this. 

I believe it's the same courier that delivered that box to Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en.

Now as tempted as I am by (witch doctor) Metodo Acamu, I find myself coming back to Doctor Ebakor, because he's obviously the most legitimate, peer-reviewed spellcaster in the field.  Encomia to his prowess have also been found on WebMD, in a section devoted to helping children with autism (because they might also someday have EXs who could only be retrieved through the use of Somalian notions and sundries), and on the official website for the Steve Harvey radio show, where things turned into a spellcaster customer catfight!

My names is Alice Owens am from canada i want to use this opportunity to thank Dr guru the great doctor who bring back my husband which makes me very happy today so i could not keep the wonderful work he has done for me so i decide to share it with you all because he is real not like those who eat up my money and never do anything for me

I had someone like that in my life, too; someone who ate up all my money and never did anything for me. It was the vending machine in the break room, and maybe I was expecting too much, I mean we weren't even engaged, but I still felt betrayed when I'd slip those quarters into its slot, and try to do it all sexy like Mickey Rourke feeding strawberries to a blindfolded Kim Basinger in 9½ Weeks and it still wouldn't drop that package of Dolly Madison Zingers.

...until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility

I don't want to condone that kind of behavior, but I have to admit, if some guy in brown shorts with a clipboard showed up at my door and said he had an unwanted pregnancy for me, I don't think I'd sign for it either.

i was doubting if this man was the solution,because i have tried so many fake Doctor on the internet but they only eat up my money and never work for me so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just 12hours and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after 12hours i heard a knock on the door i went and open the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness

Again, I hate to be a septic, but is it possible that Dr. guru didn't use magic, and just hired two guys to break her husband's shins, and dump him on the doorstep?  And some of these stories sound awfully familiar. Like the woman who "never use to believe in spell casting until i met Dr Oga a powerful spell caster." As usual, she had "4 years of Broken marriage" and "almost committed suicide," until she blundered into some Consumer Reports sorcerery reviews:

some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer and other sickness, and so on. 

Yeah, yeah, but as we learned from Doctor Ebakor's Yelp page, that's all par for the witchdoctor course.  Gives us a fresh angle.

I also came across a testimony a woman called Anita, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness

Well all I can say is, if you spent years in the nude and still couldn't get knocked up, the guys in your neighborhood have unusually high sales resistance.

"Trish Eckles" posted the following (in fact, she felt so strongly about it she posted it twice in a row):

Am sharing this article to the world to know that spell casting is real with the help of Doctor Ebakor. I have been married with my wife for the past 7 years without a child and it got to the point that my mum drove my wife away all because she was not able to bear a child....

It seems a little harsh to drive away your daughter-in-law just because your lesbian daughter can't get her pregnant.

He prepared a returning love spell that brought back my wife and a conceiving spell that made my wife pregnant. 

You call it a "conceiving spell," Doctor Ebakor calls it "crawling into bed with your wife while you're passed out on the living room sofa after an L Word marathon."

And then, finally, there's this Cosmopolitan article, which is ostensibly about reasons a guy might turn down sex, but is actually just an excuse to host a rumble between various spellcaster groupies.  Dr. Dan's fans fight it out with Dr. agbuza aficionados; dr osumand gets a shout-out from all his "brothers in christ", who I'm sure are usually to be founding hanging out in large numbers in the Cosmo comments section, while Dr. Okosun1 takes on both Doctor Ebakor (of course) and the mysterious (dr.iyere@hotmail.com), who has apparently had his name legally changed to his own hotmail address. Or maybe it's someone else's hotmail address; I mean it's not like anyone ever checks their hotmail account, so who'd know?

But by this point it doesn't matter, because I don't know which to choose. Not only am I confronted by an embarrassment of (witch doctor) riches, but my wife hasn't even left me yet, so I don't see how I could justify this line item at the next monthly household budget meeting.

Porn Spam From Ed McMahon!

Our usual Monday Morning Movie review is going to be a bit delayed this week, thanks to a back injury that's making it even more difficult to sit through an already difficult to sit through film. In fact, I could barely skim my email this afternoon; but one missive did catch my eye, from Publishers Clearing House.

Like Kentucky Fried Chicken and various rappers, PCH goes only by its initials now, because that's just how cool it's become. Gone are the days when it arrived in your mailbox -- a thick packet of newsprint ads with a smiling TV sidekick on the envelope -- and was primarily a delivery system for Franklin Mint merchandise and McCall's subscriptions. No, the new PCH looked at the rise of the Internet and realized that nowadays, the real money's in Unfortunate Innuendos.

Now I know some of you guys are scratching your heads and saying to yourselves, "They wanna sell me a 'Full-Size Hose That Fits In The Palm Of Your Hand!'?  Talk about coals to Newcastle!"  This impression is perhaps strengthened when you notice the product is called the "Pocket Hose," (I'm ignoring the "Ultra," because I think that part's probably just boasting.)  But here's the thing -- the tubing is upgraded (and don't even pretend you haven't degraded your tubing over the years, especially that one time in college), and most important of all -- No More Tangled Hoses! Granted, I've neither seen nor experienced this issue myself, but maybe it's a problem for gay dudes on a really busy Saturday night.

Anyway, the instructions say to "Just Turn the Water on -- Grows to a FULL SIZE HOSE!", so apparently it works on the opposite principle of those erections you wake up with when you've got a full bladder.

Cruzin' for a Bruisin'

I think we can all agree that I am amongst our nation's most prominent conservatives. In fact, since the untimely death of Modest Conservative Jon Swift, I'm probably the blogosphere's leading advocate for traditional values. At least, that's what Senator Ted Cruz seems to think, since he was so eager to email me about his decision to run for President that he seemed a bit like a Pomeranian doing an alarming pee-pee dance on the hallway Axminster:

Actually, I think you misheard them, Ted. It's not surprising; with millions of voices crying out at once, things can get a bit garbled. I had that same problem with all those dead whiners from Alderaan. What they're actually saying is, "America is clearly defective, so we want to take our country back to the store and return the unused portion for a full refund."

My fellow conservative, 

As one of the millions of real Americans calling for a change of leadership, I thank you.

And as one of the millions of Americans terrified by the thought of you anywhere near the levers of power in Washington, I'm calling for a change of pants.

The United States is the greatest nation the world has ever known, but recently we’ve gotten off track.

The U.S. may be the greatest nation the world has ever known, but you have to remember, the world has terrible taste in nations. It's like the Gabor Sisters and men.

 We need to restore the strong values that made us great, so that we can leave a stronger and more prosperous nation for our children.

I don't have kids, Ted, I have a cat, and frankly he seems perfectly content with our current GDP. (For some reason, this one sentence is in red, and since the rest of the email isn't, I can only assume it's caused by some sort of inflammation. So ask your doctor if strong values are right for you.)

That’s why I’m running for President in 2016. 

"And my personality is why I'll be running for Senate in 2018."

Our country was built on freedom, enterprise and strong family values.

Also genocide and chattel slavery. Credit where credit is due, Ted.

Together, we can change leadership, change direction and reclaim the unlimited potential of each and every one of us.

I may be a defeatist, but I've always felt that my potential is limited by my finite lifespan and lack of supernatural powers. The rest of you, apparently, are god-like, pan-dimensional cosmic beings, so I'll just flake out here on the couch and watch this Bones marathon on TNT while you guys punch the walls of reality, or whatever.

My mission between now and 2016 is to help take America back to what made us great

Slavery/Genocide, '16! Woo hoo!

Thank you for adding your voice to our fight, and I hope I can count on your support for the long road ahead.

You can certainly count on me to spread your message, like so much compost, if you email me again, Ted.

For more, follow the link: www.tedcruz.org

"Because I kind of didn't think ahead, and tedcruz.com was already taken."

For America, Senator Ted Cruz

Some people might find it presumptuous, but I like the fact that Senator Cruz is so done with the namby-pamby complimentary close that he can't even, and has instead arrogated to himself the right to speak for all America. In fact, I wish I'd thought of it. However, as I don't want to get sued by tedcruz.org, or tedcruz.us, or tedcruz.xxx, I'm going to start signing my letters on behalf of some other tottering nation-state whose best days are behind it. So if we're penpals, don't be surprised if my next email to you concludes with a warm "For Herzegovina," or "Very Truly Djibouti."

Strong Enough for a Man, But Made for a Neuter Noun

I gotta say, any day that sees the triumphant return of both S.Z. and Robin of Berkeley is a damn fine day indeed, one which fills my veins with the non-dairy creamer of human kindness. So I'm going to get the holiday season started early this year, with a preview of our annual gift giving guide.

(The item below appears courtesy of our buddy, film scholar Jim Donahue.)

Dear friend 

Wonderful day! 

Do you still remember Vision 3 ,yes ,vision 3 special package for Christmas is coming.

I don't remember the product, but the inconsistent capitalization rings a bell...

Material:Carbon fiber tube 

Size: (L)130.5mm*(D)17.5mm  

Output Voltage:3.2v-4.8v 

Capacity:1600mah 

Are you still annoying the problem that what is the best guy for Christmas’ selling .Consider vision 3 and I believe you will have a wonderful Christmas day. 

Good luck! 

Vera 

Shenzhen Jinokn Technology Co., Limited  

Facebook: vera wei 

Skype : jinoknecig

I'm such a procrastinator.  Here it is, almost Thanksgiving, and I haven't even begun to annoy the problem of what is the best guy for Christmas' selling, or addressed whether the best guy for the selling is even a guy; perhaps a woman would be more annoying! We must think outside the box.

And while we're out there, you should probably get around to hanging Christmas' lights. But move that apostrophe first -- you might cut yourself.

Anyway, as Vera says in her subject line, Father Christmas will be attracted by them— electronic cigarette battery, so buy one now, and you'll never again have to ask a neighbor to jumpstart your e-cigarette on cold mornings.

(On the downside, use of Vision 3 ,yes ,vision 3 special package has been shown to attract Father Christmas' and occasionally raccoons. We recommend storing it in a Rubbermaid container.)

For I Was Thirsty, And Ye Sold Me a Mug

Well, I'm still not quite up to slumming around the Information Superhighway, but I'm also not about to look a gift horse in the ass, so let's check out some of the masterfully counterintuitive sales spiels from the Bring Back Bush! nostalgia industry:

You remember Sara Armstrong, the RNC Chief Operating Officer who was Laura Bush's Special Assistant Undersecretary for Thank You Cards, and Senior Wine Cooler Uncapper? Well, she's been in a funk ever since the morning of January 20th, 2009, when, for the final time, she broke open a 24-bottle Variety Pack of Seagram's Escapes and handed the First Lady her last official Jamaican Me Happy. Ever since, Sara has been coping with a life bereft of creamy cardstock and fortified Sangria by trying to sell me theme mugs and Beefy-Ts.

Scott,
After 5 years of President Obama, America needs real leaders like President George W. Bush.

Interesting use of the plural. I guess in Sara's view, President Obama barely qualifies as a leader, while George W. Bush was so much of a leader he was legion, he was a leaders -- a composite president formed by having Dick Cheney shove his hand up Bush's ass and work the jaw (Administration insiders recall the process being very similar to the way Lion Force combined to form Voltron, except it involved more Astro-Glide and squealing.)

While working in the Bush administration, I saw how much President Bush valued honesty and transparency. 

I thought I could live without the "I Miss W." mug until I got to the end of that sentence and realized how badly I needed to do a spit-take.

But it's not only the little people who pine for a man some consider arguably the nation's worst president, certain that if given another chance he would come back and remove all doubt. It's also the major players (and major playahs) like sex machine Ari Fleischer:

Scott, 

It seems like yesterday I was standing next to President George W. Bush while he made critical decisions for the future of our country. 

It is times like this when the character, courage and commitment of an individual are tested. 

"And I'm proud to say that never once, as I watched President Bush struggle with critical thinking skills, did I give in to the urge to bust out laughing. I passed the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Aridriel."

And it is times like this when President Bush especially shined as a leader — and a person.

But he particularly shined as a leaders (the combination of Bush's flop-sweat and Cheney's greasy T-Zone produced an unusually high albedo).

I really do miss W. 

Well then why don't you call him instead of trying to sell me crockery?  It's like having that chick from Fifty Shades of Grey suddenly start mooning about zip-ties and spanking in the middle of her Amway pitch.

Now you have an opportunity to get a cool, convenient American-made mug and make a statement:

I suppose you could debate whether the mug is "cool," but to stretch the concept of irony that far, I think you'd really have to combine "air quotes" with the old "a fish this big" gesture. However, I don't consider a mug "convenient" unless it's right beside my coffee maker, which this one is clearly not, and never will be, so I have to consider that a fatal design flaw. Also, I was confused by the slogan, "SALUTE to a GREAT ONE," until I ran it through Google Translate and discovered that in English it means, "I Guess I Like Bush Okay, But I Really Miss Jackie Gleason." 

I just got mine in the mail, and I must say, it’s a great way to start your day. 

Assuming you've filled it with a Bloody Mary.

Thanks,
Ari Fleischer
Former White House Press Secretary, President George W. Bush
Co-Chair, the Growth and Opportunity Project

Maybe it's just me, but as a connoisseur of corporate euphemisms, the Growth and Opportunity Project sounds kind of like an industry trade group for a particularly aggressive form of cancer.

P.S. Reince says these mugs are flying off the shelves (and I’m not surprised). Don’t wait to get yours.

Seems redundant, Ari, since if I owned one it'd be flying off the shelf too.

Finally, we're joined by RNC Finance Director Kate Walsh, who's got the T-Shirt concession today.

Scott,
President George W. Bush was committed to protecting our freedom, promoting peace throughout the world, and advancing the ideals and principles that make America so great.

I was also committed to some pretty big goals, before I retired to paint nude self-portraits, and like Bush my efforts not only failed to bring me closer to achieving them, they actually set me back farther then I would have been if I'd done absolutely nothing. So I'm relieved to learn that commitment counts more than accomplishment for our final grade.

He said it best when he proclaimed: “We will not waver, we will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. Peace and Freedom will prevail.”

Burma Shave.

It’s a good reminder of who we are and what we stand for as Americans.
Stand with us and get a limited-edition, American-made “I Miss W.” t-shirt today.

So we stand for overpriced screen printing? Say what you want about the RNC, at least it's an ethos. 

Faithfully Submitted, Douglas C. Neidermeyer, Sergeant-at-Arms

I think Chairman Preibus is on to me. Recently, a group of rich and popular kids -- Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director; Sara Armstrong, Chief Operating Officer; Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski; and RNC Co-Chair, Sharon Day -- tendered rather sudden overtures of friendship, inviting me to eat lunch at their table in the cafeteria and hang out at the Cool Kids Only bench in the Quad. As grateful as I've been for these seemingly unprovoked attentions, I've been hesitant to return them, mostly because this is basically the plot of Mean Girls, and that didn't really turn out too well for anybody. Oh, Tina Fey is doing all right, I suppose, and Lizzy Caplan now regularly gets nude on premium cable and has simulated intercourse with Michael Sheen, so you can't say it's all bad; unfortunately, in this scenario, I'm Lindsay Lohan, so...Yeah.  I've been a bit cautious about opening up my heart, and particularly, my wallet.

And Reince has noticed. After resisting the seductive song of his executive suite sirens, Chairman Preibus has left me to the shrill vocalizations of RNC volunteer Diane Umbarger, perhaps to see if vinegar can succeed where honey has failed.

Scott, 

We haven't met, but I’m an RNC volunteer from Mooresville, NC.

Oh man. I'm about to get catfished so hard...

I’ve been coming out to volunteer for the RNC every weekend for the past few months, and I wanted to give you a quick update from the field.

"There's foxtails in mah socks, and chiggers in mah shins..."

You might think I'm crazy for giving up my free time to knock on doors and talk to voters, but I know it makes a difference.

Well, I think you're half right...

Let me prove it to you. . .

If this phrase isn't followed by Ms. Umbarger peeling off a rubbery human mask to reveal the reptilian face beneath, then my faith in self-diagnosed crazy people who visit your home uninvited at the behest of a creature they call "Reince" is going to be severely shaken.

One day, I was knocking on doors, talking to people about how much this election will change the course of our country.

They were stall doors in a men's restroom, and many of her more costive auditors were not receptive. Fortunately, it was the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, so her speech did incite a certain amount of suggestive stance-widening.

And at one house I met a student who had never voted before. The RNC had given me the intel that he wasn't registered, and I was able to quickly register him and give him the info he needed to get to the voting booth in November.

"Unfortunately, he was nine, so legally I could only register him for a Community Water Safety class at the Rec Center Natatorium. But even though we want to drown Government in a bathtub, I don't think we feel the same way about our future voters, so I'm calling this one a bit fat win."

Another time I was door knocking

"And I interrupted a couple who were boot knocking. Sadly, they didn't seem very open to hearing about how this election will change the course of our country -- in fact, they were rather rude to me -- but happily, RNC intel indicated that they weren't married, so at least I made that slut waste one of her birth control pills for nothing."

I met an elderly couple that was frustrated about the direction of the country. They’d lost hope in their grandchildren’s future and didn’t see why their vote even mattered. I explained how important the Senate election is in North Carolina and put my RNC training to good use describing the gravity of the situation. Finally, they got it and agreed to turn out and vote in November!

"Admittedly, they vowed to 'vote the straight Democratic ticket' in the hopes it would make me 'chew my own tongue off,' but the story has a happy end, since they're Negroes, so I was able to report them for voter fraud."

This is exciting stuff!

Just keep telling yourself that, Diane.  You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you to get off their porch.

Real people are turning out to vote Republican because of conversations with volunteers like me.

Well, you showed such grit and enthusiasm registering all those mannequins, Realdolls®, and Resusci-Annies, it was inevitable that your local Volunteer Coordinator would let you graduate, however tentatively, to Homo sapiens.

See you in the field!

Not if I see you first!

Diane Umbarger

RNC Volunteer

From Lagos (and K Street) With Love

It's the Battle of the Email Scammers!  On the left, Ibrahim Lamorde, EFCC Chairman! On the right, Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director!

DELAYED FUND TRANSFER: ARE YOU THE TRUE BENEFICIARY?

Well, I don't know. I guess it it depends on whether I can pull a sword out of a can of Spam.

Attention: 

I am writing in regards to an unattended file in your names that has been on the EFCC's desk for over some years, which is supposed to be for the transfer of some huge sum of money to your bank account 

Spoiler alert: this sentence goes on for another paragraph, so let me pause for a moment and make sure I've got it all straight...Somebody in Nigeria left a manilla folder lying around the office and forgot about it -- maybe it slipped down behind the copier, or under the credenza -- for an indeterminate number of years, despite the fact that it contained my various cognomens (I can only assume that Lagos Vice is onto the multifarious pseudonyms, aliases, Mob-style sobriquets, and overly evocative porn names that I've been using to cheat the filling system employed by Sub-Saharan con artists, because I'm all about the irony).

A friend once said, You can usually tell someone is lying when they offer up an excuse and it comes garnished with a lot of unnecessary and unwanted detail. But the author of this missive -- "Mr Ibrahim Lamorde" -- didn't do that. Quite the opposite, in fact. He claims to represent the "EFCC" but doesn't bother to inform me what the acronym stands for ("Elephants Fart Candy Corn"? We just don't know). Presumably it's an Economic or Financial ministry, and you'd expect that sort of institution to be staffed by anal retentive accountant-types who are painfully rigorous about dates and numbers. But my payment, which has been languishing "for over some years," comes to exactly "some huge sum." I don't know about you, but that's the kind of weirdly repetitive evasiveness that no one would try to get away with, except a very honest man or an incredibly lazy crook.

by the Central Bank of Nigeria during the stewardship of Mr Charles Soludo(May 29, 2004 – May 29, 2009) and Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(June 3, 2009 - February 14, 2014) as CBN Governors and the Chairmanship of the EFCC under Mr Nuhu Ribadu(2003 - 2007) and Mrs Farida Waziri(May 2008 – 23 November 2011).

Who are they? Who knows! The important thing is, they're individuals who have names, unlike fictional people who must make do with descriptives like "The Man in the Yellow Hat" or "The Girl with the Pearl Earring," although I think Sanusi Sanusi might be the guy who shot RFK, so I'm not sure he's all that great a character reference.

Recently, it has come to the commission's notice that you have been in constant communication with people who claim to be what they are not, people who frequently impersonate the identity of real government and bank officials to help make themselves and their scam appear legitimate in order to deceive and defraud you of your hard-earned money persistently!.

I flatter myself that after 15 years of knowing Karl Rove exists, I'm a pretty fair judge of projection, and I can safely say that Mr Lamorde's concern trolling compares favorably with RNC Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski's confession that she misses George W. Bush because Obama takes too many vacations.

I will be ready to help in delivering your fund sum to you with your honest and sincere co-operation with my office but i do not know if i am in contact with the true fund beneficiary

Probably not. I can't get this sword to budge, and I just snapped the pull-tab off the lid.

if i am, do inform me accordingly through this email: mribrahimlamorde217@gmail.com, if i am not then honestly ignore this letter. Thank you for your anticipated co-operation. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Mr Ibrahim Lamorde,
Chairman,
EFCC.

I wish I could satisfy your anticipation, Mr Lamorde, but knowing me I'm probably going to ignore your letter in the most deceitful manner possible, by posting it on World O' Crap and inviting our readers to guess what "EFCC" stands for.

Now on to Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director:

GOP.com Scott,  Nancy Pelosi again just emailed her liberal supporters saying, “I’m doing everything I can to defeat Boehner this November.”  The Democrats are getting desperate.  They're actually trying to win elections!  Even worse, they mean to win Wimbleton! They’re pulling every trick, scheme and stunt to try to defeat our Republican Majority in the House and block us from gaining a Republican Majority in the Senate.  These Washington Democrats are launching the same smear and scare campaigns that got Obama elected in the first place. I'm a little fuzzy on the exact smears and scare campaigns the Democrats were launching back in 2008 (I started drinking heavily after John McCain announced his VP pick), but I think Obama's supporters trafficked in racist conspiracy theories about how McCain wasn't a "natural born citizen" because he was born outside the U.S., and accused Sarah Palin of "pallin' around with terrorists," just because her husband belonged to a secessionist party whose leader proclaimed, "I'm an Alaskan, not an American. I've got no use for America or her damned institutions." They have even gone so far as to create “phony scandals,” tell flat out lies, and sensationalize and spin anything that they think can make them money. If I were you I'd sue the Democrats for theft of your intellectual property. You'd never see Disney stand for that kind of copyright infringement. We can’t sit back and watch these desperate and reckless attacks any longer.  Democrats are banking on extreme fundraising tactics and the deep pockets of the Liberal Elite — but we have you. Oooh. You're fucked. I’m fed up with the Democrats bragging about their successful scare tactics. I need you, Scott, to step up and help us set our own fundraising record this month. So you don't care if the Democrats take the House or keep the Senate, you just can't stand to see them boasting about it? Can't you just settle it with an 8 Mile type freestyle rap battle? That's it for our International Spam Dance-Off.  Text "FRAUD" to vote for Mr. Lamorde, and "RUBE" to vote for Ms. Walsh.

Return to Sender

Well, after I resisted the emailed blandishments of RNC Chief Operating Officer Sara Armstrong, then rudely shunned the seductive, Salomé-like dance of Co-Chair Sharon Day and completely failed to buy their $27 "I Miss W" t-shirt, Chairman Reince Preibus had no choice but to go all Damn Yankees on me and unleash the siren charms of RNC Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski, and the power of her slightly discounted theme mug.

Scott, 

Remember when the President of the United States was more focused on the American people than on political fundraisers and his golf swing?

Well, no, but then I don't personally remember magic lantern shows, detachable celluloid collars, or playing whist on the Graf Zeppelin...Just how old do you think I am, lady?

President Obama has already attended 400 fundraisers and played 183 rounds of golf — and he still has two years left in office.

So if the President was hoping to beat George W. Bush's record of 879 days off -- over two years out of eight spent on vacation -- somebody better break it to Obama that he's been mathematically eliminated.

We miss the days of principled Republican leadership in the White House—and we miss President George W. Bush.

Okay, but you do realize those are two separate things, right? That's like me saying I miss Gothic architecture and I miss Shake-a-Puddin'.

Now you can start your day off right with an exclusive “I Miss W.” mug.

Start your day off right, with an aching sense of loss and regret! 

Seeing that I'm cheap, unpatriotic, or just not thirsty, Kirsten changed tack and decided to give me a Schoolhouse Rock-style lecture on how a bill doesn't become a law:

Scott, 

Washington has a serious gridlock problem — and that problem is the Democratic-controlled Senate. 

Washington also has a serious gridiron problem -- its football team has a really racist name -- but the Democratic-controlled Senate has refused to act on the no doubt dozens of Republican-sponsored bills to fix it.

Key Democrats have blocked over 40 Republican-backed, House-passed jobs bills from coming to the Senate. 

Actually, it seems most of those bills just repeal environmental and labor regulations (my favorite is probably "'HR 1633 - Farm Dust Regulation Prevention Act of 2011.' This bill prevents the EPA from issuing or finalizing regulations revising air quality standards under the Clean Air Act, and excepts farm dust from all references to 'particulate matter.'" Okay, maybe that one runs a close second to the "Black Lung is Beautiful Act of 2013.")

On the other hand, the Republican House has passed ten anti-abortion acts since 2009, and those could easily be considered jobs bills if you factor in the need -- once they pass the obstructionist Senate -- to recruit, train, and deploy a WPA-sized army of transvaginal ultrasound technicians.

So there you go. If you're missing W. badly enough that you must tell the other luckless bastards in the break room, Kirsten's mug is nine dollars cheaper than Sara and Sharon's t-shirt, and doesn't raise potential dress code issues.  Or you could, if you felt so inclined, spite Kirsten and buy the tasteful and capacious World O' Crap mug instead (just click the button to your left).  I'm not sure if it'll start your day off right or wrong, but according to the RNC's pantheistic beliefs about the interconnectedness of all things, it'll somehow prevent President Obama from setting foot inside the Pro Shop.

The Crass Menagerie

Yesterday the RNC offered me the chance to express my longing for George W. Bush through the eloquent medium of the Beefy-T; and yet, apparently because I'm a jerk, I ignored Chief Operating Officer Sara Armstrong's entreaty and instead spent the money on one of those shirts with airbrushed boobs on it, since it basically sends the same message.

But the Republican National Committee is turning up the tough love, and today they brought in Co-Chair Sharon Day:

Scott, 

30 years ago, President Ronald Reagan and Vice President George H.W. Bush were re-elected to the White House. 

Some of our country’s best years followed that moment.

I have to agree, mostly because I got laid a lot in the mid-Eighties, although at the time I attributed that less to Reagan and Bush and more to Bartles & Jaymes.

 I remember watching with optimism as Reagan and Bush honorably protected my freedoms and defended my conservative values.

While I remember watching a lot of Airwolf. Frankly, I don't think either one of us has much to be proud about.

Together, President Reagan and Vice President Bush exemplified leadership.

They left a legacy of prosperity, opportunity and perseverance for Americans.

Oh, so that's what I stepped in. This all apparently predates the law that now requires political parties to carry plastic bags around to scoop up their Presidents' legacies.

So I am thrilled the RNC is taking the time this year to honor the legacy of Reagan and Bush by offering you a limited-edition vintage Reagan-Bush ’84 t-shirt.

Some say that an appeal to the senses  -- such as the taste of a little piece of madeleine -- is the key to recollection, while others maintain that memory is best unlocked by novelty undershirts. Regardless, the remembrance of things past remains a profound experience, whether the author is Proust or Zazzle.
But while Sharon's lyrical nostalgia is charming, it's only the Good Cop warm-up for RNC Treasurer Tony Parker's Bad Cop act.

Scott, 

Did you abandon the Republican Party?

"I've abandoned my party! I've abandoned my party!  I've abandoned my national committee!"

Chairman Priebus has written to you already this year asking you to contribute to the RNC and renew your membership. But we haven’t received your financial support yet this year.

I'm sorry, I've just been distracted by how much "Chairman Priebus" sounds like one of those fake, science fictiony titles, like "Commando Cody" or "Padishah Emperor Shaddam" or "Judge Wapner".

Your past support has shown us that you believe in the Republican Party and the conservative principles we stand for. 

Given that my past support has consisted entirely of stealing the content of your emails and using it for my own nefarious purposes while giving you nothing in return, I believe that I've not only studied the principles you stand for, I've mastered them, and am now ready to leave the monastery and walk the earth like Kung Fu.

 So we are giving you one more chance to renew your membership with the Republican National Committee.

I completely believe that this is my last chance to give you money, just as you should totally believe that I've already mailed you a huge check.

Right now you are handing the advantage over to Democrats. That’s exactly what President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid want you to do. With committed Republicans like you sitting out in 2014, the Democrats are able to continue their liberal rampage on conservative principles.

I'm not sitting it out, I just don't want to shoot my wad too early, so I'm waiting until the "liberal rampage" is upgraded to a "socialist stampede." But don't worry -- I've set up a Google alert.

2014 is our last chance to step in, step up

and shake it all about.

Don’t turn your back on the Republican Party

Relax, Tony. That's a lesson I learned a looong time ago.

I Really Need to File a Restraining Order Against Reince Preibus

We tend to mention a lot of right wing luminaries here on the blog, which is an unpleasant but unavoidable byproduct of our charter, and I long ago made my peace with it. Unfortunately, the ever-more cephalopodic nature of internet algorithms has led to a situation I did not foresee, and I now find myself faced with the necessity of committing civil disobedience to the Law of Unintended Consequences.

In a nutshell, I'm being stalked by the RNC.  Here's a look at my email inbox:

Sure, I could just flag all these as spam and be done with it, but most of the letters achieve such a desperate tone that I'm afraid any rejection might drive their authors to do something desperate. For instance, Sara Armstrong, Chief Operating Officer of the RNC is suffering from the delusion that George W. Bush was real, and not a ghost story told around campfires to frighten Cub Scouts. Fortunately, there's a cure for her condition -- robust T-shirt sales -- but thanks to Obamacare it doesn't come cheap.

Scott, 

Resolute and decisive.

I'll take "British Warship Names" for 200, Alex.

 That’s what I remember when I think of the leadership of President George W. Bush. He led our nation through some of the most challenging moments of our nation’s history.

I'll go even further. His leadership made even some of our nation's most mundane moments seem challenging.

He led.

Add an "i" to that sentence and I'll agree.

The President we have today thinks our country should “lead from behind” and has significantly diminished the United States’ standing in the world — and worse, he has made us less safe.

Worst of all, this President doesn't agree that quotation marks should no longer be used to indicate actual quotes, but instead be sprinkled randomly through a paragraph as decorative "Freedom Dimples."

I miss the leadership of President George W. Bush. And I miss him.

I'll say what I always do whenever someone starts mooning over their ex: "You're better off without him."

I had the privilege of serving in his White House, and I saw the character that he and his family provided our nation. I will be forever grateful for their service.

Hm, let's check Sara's bio, and see from what lofty perch she observed Bush momentously lead our nation through some of our nation's most challenging moments:

Deputy Chief of Staff Sara Armstrong Director of membership services at the RNC

Her duties including calling anyone who wants to cancel their membership and demanding, "Why is it that you're not wanting to have the No. 1-rated political party with 34% approval rating available?"

Worked at the White House from June 2002 to Jan. 2009. Special Assistant to the President

"Thanks honey, but next time make it two sugars."

 and Deputy Chief of Staff to First Lady Laura Bush

"Thanks hon, but next time skip the sugar and add two fingers of Old Crow."

Director of the Visitors Office;

She lovingly made out Jeff Gannon's press pass each day.

 Deputy Director of Correspondence for the First Lady

i.e., "Wrote Mrs. Bush's Thank You cards"

Correspondence Analyst

i.e., "Read the Thank You cards other people sent to Mrs. Bush." Presumably with the First Lady's permission, but judging by the six emails I've gotten from Sara over the last five days, asking if I've read the previous half dozen emails, she is a trifle nosy.  Anyway, bona fides established! On with today's pitch:

Tomorrow is President George W. Bush’s Birthday. It’s a moment that has reminded us of what leadership in the White House really looks like.

Because real leadership looks like a birthday party?  Whenever I feel uncertain about the direction our country is taking, I like to imagine President Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleeza Rice sitting around a conference table in the Situation Room, wearing festive party hats and looking resolute.

Fortunately, Sara's wistful mood of regret can be assuaged by ordering this "I Miss W" tee:

The perfect compliment to a friend or loved one wearing an "I'm With Stupid" shirt.