Actually, I think you misheard them, Ted. It's not surprising; with millions of voices crying out at once, things can get a bit garbled. I had that same problem with all those dead whiners from Alderaan. What they're actually saying is, "America is clearly defective, so we want to take our country back to the store and return the unused portion for a full refund."
My fellow conservative,
As one of the millions of real Americans calling for a change of leadership, I thank you.And as one of the millions of Americans terrified by the thought of you anywhere near the levers of power in Washington, I'm calling for a change of pants.
The United States is the greatest nation the world has ever known, but recently we’ve gotten off track.
The U.S. may be the greatest nation the world has ever known, but you have to remember, the world has terrible taste in nations. It's like the Gabor Sisters and men.
We need to restore the strong values that made us great, so that we can leave a stronger and more prosperous nation for our children.
I don't have kids, Ted, I have a cat, and frankly he seems perfectly content with our current GDP. (For some reason, this one sentence is in red, and since the rest of the email isn't, I can only assume it's caused by some sort of inflammation. So ask your doctor if strong values are right for you.)
That’s why I’m running for President in 2016.
"And my personality is why I'll be running for Senate in 2018."
Our country was built on freedom, enterprise and strong family values.Also genocide and chattel slavery. Credit where credit is due, Ted.
Together, we can change leadership, change direction and reclaim the unlimited potential of each and every one of us.
I may be a defeatist, but I've always felt that my potential is limited by my finite lifespan and lack of supernatural powers. The rest of you, apparently, are god-like, pan-dimensional cosmic beings, so I'll just flake out here on the couch and watch this Bones marathon on TNT while you guys punch the walls of reality, or whatever.
My mission between now and 2016 is to help take America back to what made us great
Slavery/Genocide, '16! Woo hoo!
Thank you for adding your voice to our fight, and I hope I can count on your support for the long road ahead.
You can certainly count on me to spread your message, like so much compost, if you email me again, Ted.
Some people might find it presumptuous, but I like the fact that Senator Cruz is so done with the namby-pamby complimentary close that he can't even, and has instead arrogated to himself the right to speak for all America. In fact, I wish I'd thought of it. However, as I don't want to get sued by tedcruz.org, or tedcruz.us, or tedcruz.xxx, I'm going to start signing my letters on behalf of some other tottering nation-state whose best days are behind it. So if we're penpals, don't be surprised if my next email to you concludes with a warm "For Herzegovina," or "Very Truly Djibouti."
For more, follow the link: www.tedcruz.org"Because I kind of didn't think ahead, and tedcruz.com was already taken."