Monday, March 26, 2012

Happy Birthday to Mary C! From Bill S!

Our friend and longtime Wo'C contributor Bill (the S! is for Sass!) S. is kind enough to do the honors again this year:

Today marks the birthday of the lovely MaryC, and I am once again stumped as to what would be a suitable gift. So, I find myself returning to the catalog for Carol Wright Gifts. After all, I unearthed so many interesting finds there last year -- and by "interesting," I mean they're items one would never, ever think to give as gifts. Surely there's something just right...right?

Extra-Large "Sweet & Juicy Peaches
Giant Purple plums Up to 1/3 of a pound
Super Big Golden Apricots
Lush and Tangy Nectarines
Apple-Sized Red plums
At its easy-picking growth height of 12-15 feet, enjoy the feat of fruits...Each sapling you receive stands approx. 3-4 feet high.
(Sorry, this item cannot be shipped into CA, OR or WA.)

Aw, shoot, Mary lives in California. Guess I'll have to find some other genetically modified plant. The catalog also offers "GIANT BLUEBERRIES-BLUBERRIES AS BIG AS QUARTERS" (2 plants, $9.99), KING KONG STRAWBERRIES AS BIG AS PEACHES! (6 plants $8.99), and, "As Seen On TV", a tomato plant that "Grows 8 feet in just 90 Days!" (Only $9.99). Hmm, 8 feet in 90 days? At that rate, by next year it'll be 32 feet high. That's a long way to climb for a salad ingredient.

Perhaps flowers might be better:

"SOUTHERN BELLE" HIBISCUS (3 plants only $7.99)
Spectacular Blooms Up to 10" across!

Hmm, looking at the photo in the catalog, it looks large enough to devour a small child. As a teacher, Mary might find it useful in classrooms with particularly unruly students.

Automatically turns on at night & off during the day! Solar powered No electricity needed.

I think I like these best, as they're the easiest to care for.

TERRY TURBAN (As low as $4.99)
Whether you wear it as a cover-up or a fashion accessory, this terry turban with ultrachic front knot and gathered back is sure to turn a few heads in your direction.

Especially at a revival screening of Sunset Boulevard.

TROPICAL ROMPER* (As low as $12.99)
Have fun in the sun in this easy-to-wear strapless romper, designed in brilliant tropical print... Polyester. Imported.

Because domestic polyester would be just tacky.

*When I read the phrase "tropical romper," it sounded like some kinky sexual position to me. And now that I've said that, it will to you as well.

This wireless doorbell plays your choice of 32 melodies-from old favorites like "The Yellow Rose of Texas" to Christmas carols and classic chimes.

"Classic chimes"? Gee, there's an oldies station I've never tuned in to. I'd recommend finding the melody that will scare away Mormon missionaries and Jehovah's Witnesses the quickest.

Announces the phone number of Who's Calling Before You Answer the Phone.

Ooh, so close. It would be perfect if it said things like, "That bitch you can't stand is trying to call you again!" in a Karen Walker voice.

FUCOXANTHIN PATCH-CR (tm) Set of 30 ($19.99)
Lose weight even while you sleep with these time-release, all-natural fat-burning patches...No shakes, no extra-large pills to swallow. Just apply one patch a day.

Methinks this could be a scam. I suppose its effectiveness depends where you put the patch.

BUTTON EXTENDERS (Set of 2 only $2.99)
Keep your favorite pants without costly tailoring. Slip over existing button and add a full inch to waistbands.

Hey, it's cheaper than the patch. And probably works better.

Cologne to UNLEASH YOUR SENSUALITY (note: the boxes are displayed in the catalog, but I can't make out the brand name due to the size of the pictures, and it isn't listed elsewhere) $14.99
This pheromone based cologne attracts members of the opposite sex like a magnet...Men's original scent and the women's unscented...

Wait, "unscented" cologne? Isn't that just called "water"? Anyway, this sounds like a product for single people. Single, desperate people. Single, desperate, gullible people...


Now, THAT'S a cheery gift idea!

The last pillow you'll ever need to buy!

Is that a threat?

Deter garden pests with this light-reflecting guard owl. He has realistic eyes and a holographic design that creates the illusion of continuous movement. Weatherproof plastic with a loop for hanging and a weighted bottom that keeps him from flying away.

Because fake owls are always trying to escape their masters.

Scratch your tickets with this "lucky coin" and WIN, WIN, WIN!
Genuine U.S. minted penny and a pewter shamrock.

Five dollars for a one cent coin to scratch off a $1 lotto ticket? I'm not looking anymore, I've found the perfect gift!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARY! Hope it's everything it should be!

-Bill S.

From Scott:  Well, with that entry, I think it's pretty clear to all that Bill S. has won the Essay Contest, and there's nothing much for me to add, except the obligatory Topless Nathan Fillion shot, this year hoisted fresh from a screencap of Serenity:
Happy birthday!

Doctor Who IS Mike Nelson in SEA HUNT!

In a recent email exchange with our compatriot Engineer Vosburg, I mentioned that I'd done some diving off the Channel Islands, and Chris, always quick with the Hollywood trivia, whipped out a hyper-obscure hunk and tied it in nicely with Moondoggie's scarf-modeling headshot below.

Take it away, Chris:

If -- or when -- diving off Catalina, keep an eye out for this spherical artifact, an aluminum-sheeted “diving bell” prop left there in 1957 by Jerry Warren while shooting The Incredible Petrified World. I don’t think he ever said exactly where he left it, but he needed it on the bottom for shots of the cast “leaving” the bell in SCUBA gear (four of them—like the Tardis, it’s much roomier inside than you’d think), and told schlock movie historian Tom Weaver that he didn’t bother to haul it up when the film wrapped. Litterbug.

Also, Natalie Wood’s sunglasses.

Since the Doctor’s Tardis got a mention in the comments at the most recent WOC pussycat post [spitting the p’s like Sylvester would], I thought I’d include a pic.

The exterior:
And the roomy interior:
See? Plenty of space. And then to top it off, the crew, in SCUBA gear, exits through a hatch in the top of the bell (note ladder). While on the bottom of the ocean. At several hundred feet. Okay then.

And then it gets really goofy.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Tucker Queen's Mystery Magazine

When I first read this comment, it got me to thinking about the 1975-76 Ellery Queen TV series.  If you remember this show (and if so, you should probably be taking Lipitor and making sure your Roth IRA is fully funded), star Jim Hutton would break the fourth wall at the end of each episode (a device that paralleled the "Challenge to the Reader" that appeared in the penultimate chapter of the early Queen novels) and say, "You've seen all the clues, you have all the information.  Do you know who the killer is?"  And I imagine a certain percentage of the audience -- the same people who now weave elaborate eschatologies about flying demons colliding with 747s so they have more airspace to wrestle with Jesus, and deposit them in forgotten threads on obscure  blogs -- responded to the TV by shrieking, "the Illuminati!" or "Fluroide!", when it fact the culprit was merely that week's guest star Ray Walston, Joan Collins, or obvious sociopath Ken Berry.

 This in turn put me in mind of a Woody Allen essay that first appeared in Playboy back in the early 70s, called "Match Wits with Inspector Ford"...
The Case of the Murdered Socialite

Inspector Ford burst into the study.  On the floor was the body of Clifford Wheel, who apparently had been struck from behind with a croquet mallet.  The position of the body indicated that the victim had been surprised in the act of singing "Sorrento" to his goldfish.  Evidence showed there had been a terrific struggle that had twice been interrupted by phone calls, one a wrong number and one asking if the victim was interested in dance lessons.

Before Wheel had died, he had dipped his finger into the inkwell and scrawled out a message:  "Fall Sale Prices Drastically Reduced--Everything Must Go!"

"A businessman to the end," must Ives, his manservant, whose elevator shoes, curiously enough, made him two inches shorter.
Inspector Ford goes on to solve a series of absurd crimes by making abrupt, senseless deductions bearing no relation to the evidence, which doesn't exist anyway -- so it all makes perfect sense.  Now Tucker Carlson -- the Greg Marmalard of New Media -- has hired his own consulting detective, Jamie Weinstein, who, in his brief time at Tucker's Weakly Reader (as TBogg calls it), writing their daily blast spam, the "DCMorning," has already done the impossible:  he's made Jim Treacher seem funny.

Not that Jamie's comic bona fides aren't impressive.  In addition to spicing up the Daily Caller's quotidian plea for attention, he's also "the winner of the 2011 'Funniest Celebrity in Washington' contest."  And that's a city which has witnessed the comic stylings of Dick Nixon, who hilariously invited the country to "Sock it to me?" while Obama, supposedly the hip and cool dude, won't even deign to note that da judge is approaching.

But today, Jamie isn't concerned with making us laugh.  No, today he's all about the serious business of Connecting the Dots and Laying the Pipe.  But since this is a classic "Fair Play" mystery, we will have all the same clues Jamie does, so let's see if we can't solve the case first.  Are you ready to...Match Wits with Inspector Weinstein?
So, Junior Detectives, how did Inspector Weinstein deduce from the evidence above that Sandra Fluke not only supports Charlie Sheen for public office, but has ever even heard of him.  Wait!  Before you answer, let's look at the actual article Inspector Jamie's email is flogging:
Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke said on Tuesday that candidates running for office should have to pass a pro-woman litmus test in order to get elected.

Fluke, an advocate for the Obama administration’s plan to force health insurers to cover birth control, was on Capitol Hill for a forum on “Opportunities and Challenges for a New Generation of Women,” in celebration of Women’s History Month.

“There should be a litmus test that they be pro-women so our votes have to include that requirement at least,” Fluke said. “And it should be a litmus test that applies to male candidates as well.”

She also spoke about the possibility of running for office in the future:

“Numerous American women have actually written to me in the last few weeks saying that I should run for office, and maybe someday I will."
So that's it.  You have all the clues...
Now if you've been watching -- closely! -- you have all the information you need.  And you should be able to deduce that the victim -- Facts -- was actually killed by the detective (just like in The Mousetrap)!  Or perhaps it's just a lazy, farfetched bit of hackery by a misogynist, entitled asshole.  As another famous literary sleuth observed, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
So, I'm going with the Asshole theory.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

We Just Live in It

I'm trying out on a new comments format on the advice of counsel, so please let me know if this causes, or solves, any problems.

Huge deadline crunch for a project due Thursday afternoon, so this week's theme is "Pull Things Out of Your Ass," which was my favorite part of The Mickey Mouse Club, after "Anything Can Happen Day," and "Annette's Training Bra is a Brutal Taskmistress Day."  Hopefully the extracted items will be mostly things like cat photos, and not be accompanied by Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Satire or Too Much Alex Jones? You Make the Call!

Update below:

As you know, we don't use a moderation queue for comments around here (although sometimes Blogger goes rogue and sequesters comments on its own, triggered by mysterious factors and algorithms I can only guess at, although I've noticed the word "panties" is often involved), largely because s.z. long ago established the precedent of never censoring the debate, and also because everyone who comments here is smart and funny, and we only very rarely get trolls.

But comments submitted on posts that are more than two weeks old are automatically held in moderation as an anti-spam measure, even though they're seldom spam.  Usually, they're the outraged thoughts of non-Wo'C readers who arrived months late to the party (and only showed up at all, thanks to Google), and often they're defenders of Dr. Professor Mike S. Adams, Ph.D.  When I get an email notifying me of a tardy addition to a long dead thread I routinely approve it, thereby allowing the commenter to both publish and perish at the same time.

But this one (responding to an old post on Ellis Washington's conspiracy theories about the Georgia Guidestones) was too good to keep to myself, and I wanted to toss it up for discussion.  So what do you guys think?  Throwaway gag, or meticulously thought-out cosmology?
Jesus created a set number of angels. all angels are male. 1/3 of all angels rebelled against Jesus. Jesus turned the rebels into spiritual darkness (aka demons) and expelled them from heaven down to earth. all demons are male. demons disguise themselves as ghosts, aliens in ufos, greys, spirit guides, ascended masters, pagan gods and goddesses, channeled entities, dead relatives during seances, ouija board movers, psychic's sources, medium's source of info, astrologer's helpers, seer's well of info, oracle's guide, automatic writing spirits, meditator's cohabitors, and, of course, as the "good fellas" (angels of light). the only way to fight demons is to be a christian.

-demons will land their ufo ships on the streets and will invite people to be healed. whoever goes in, comes out a zombie.
-80 foot dinosaurs will come out through lakes and sinkholes to eat us.
-evil red-eye antichrist with white powder on his face will come to power. this clown is gay. whoever worships this clown, goes to hell.
-evil electronic 666 tattoo by lasers with small grey world passport will become mandatory. whoever gets it, goes to hell.
-whoever gets chipped is easily tracked to get lasered. so, avoid getting lasered by not getting chipped.

1)demons have 4 ufo bases:
b)inside mountain kailas
c)underneath mariana trench (atlantis is here)
d)lake baikal
2)airplanes that go down are hit by demons because they need the airspace to fight Jesus.
3)ufos are powered by diamonds.
4)whoever goes inside a ufo ship to be healed by demons, comes out a zombie 

If it's satire -- nice job.  If it's a sincere description of a deeply held, personal theology, then I guess I owe a thank you to Senator James Inhofe for finally delurking.

[By the way...  Bill S. thanks everyone for the birthday greetings.  He would have offered his gratitude personally, but he hasn't been able to post here for the past few weeks (he said, "If I click on a blog post, I can SEE the comments others have posted, but when I click to post a comment, the little box refuses to display anything...I get some error message").  I'm not at all savvy about Blogger -- which you might have noticed from the frequently screwy formatting around here.  Do you guys have any idea what goes going on, and how we might fix it?  Thanks.]

Friday, March 16, 2012

There Are No Words, But Terrible Found Some

Several friends of Joanna (our own Anntichrist S. Coulter) wrote to tell me that her beloved niece Jada has passed away at the age of 4.  I don't know how this month could get any worse, and I don't want to know.  Joanna is without internet at the moment -- I don't know if her appeal failed, and she's been evicted, or if it's a computer problem -- but I figured you guys would want to know.  And if she's able to borrow a connection and make it over here, I want her to know that we're thinking of her.

The obituary that appeared in the Times-Picayune is below.  Click to enlarge to a more readable size.

I don't know what to say, so I'm just going to quote Terrible's brief, but eloquent words at Mark of the Beast:

Those of us who know Annti know how much she cared about Jada and how she felt about her never having a chance for a wonderful happy life. And our hearts and thoughts go out to her. If there is a souls journey after death may Jada’s soul have that childhood she never had the chance for here.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Happy Birthday Bill S! and The Minx!

I apologize, once again, for the spotty posting.  Real life (which is to say, meager, but paying work) has intervened, but I couldn't let this auspicious day go by without noting that it is the birthdate of our friend Bill S. (legally known for the duration of his natal anniversary as Bill S!), and the delightful, the delovely, the Minx.

For his special, non-Ann Coulter photograph, Mr. S! sent me the following message:
If you decide to acknowledge my birthday over at World o' Crap Thursday, I humbly request you post Matthew Bomer, Scott Caan, or the Ryan of your choice Cabrera? Gosling? Kwanten? McPartlin? Phillipe? Reynolds? When did "Ryan" become the go-to name anyway? O'Neal was the only hot Ryan 40 year ago (I may be the only person I know who still enjoys Love Story unironically), of course, he's a sad, drug-addled, creepy old man who couldn't recognize his own daughter and hit on the funeral of his common-law wife. So, not THAT Ryan.
 Hint taken, Bill.  I'm putting my extensive collection of production stills from Irreconcilable Differences and Tough Guys Don't Dance on hold, out of respect for the memory of your severed umbilical cord, and instead, I'm going with a Random Ryan.  And the wheel of fortune turns up...McPartlin!
I was sad that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no shirt, and then I was really depressed, because he was a homeless bum living in an alley, and he still had an awesome six pack.

Fortunately, The Minx is also gay, so we get to mix 'n' match the sexes for this dual birthday celebration.  She didn't express a preference, so I defaulted to Classic Hollywood Cheesecake:
In this case, Lauren Bacall, because really, how can you go wrong?

So there you go:  saucy, Ann Coulterless eye candy to tempt even those whose eyes are on a diet.  Please join me in wishing a very happy birthday to The Minx and The Bill S!

Update from Maryc! It wouldn't be a Bill S! birthday without a little Nathan lovin' goin on.  I present you with your birthday moment of Nathan Fillion zen:

Monday, March 12, 2012

Robin of Berkeley Solves the Andrew Breitbart Murder!

I've been remiss lately in following the adventures of former licensed therapist Robin of Berkeley, largely because even American Thinker seems to have edged slowly away from her, smiling and nodding and fingering the tiny pepper spray canister attached to their keyring.  But RoB maintains a blog, and our buddy Chris Vosburg -- engineer, musician, fancier of fine, if defunct, Dutch rock bands, and Perry Mason connoisseur par excellence -- who has corresponded with the analrapist emeritus, recently checked in and discovered that she's used her therapeutic skills to unravel the mystery of Andrew Breitbart's death.  The culprit?  It was Liberals.  In the suburb.  With an earthquake.  Or as Chris put it: which Robin of Bedlam endures the fury of a mighty 4.0 earthquake, and shares a babbling series of free associations.
Needless to say, no property damage occurred, nor injuries reported. It becomes a little harder to believe that Robin has been in California for any length of time, because, as a native, as are you, I don’t get outta bed for anything less than a six.
So, using the insights gleaned from 20 years of giving UC Berkeley students unhelpful, and increasingly unethical advice, what can Robin deduce from a feeble temblor about the true cause of Andrew Breitbart's demise?
An Act of God?

I’m not the world’s best sleeper, so I was awake Monday morning at 5:30 am when the rumbling began. If you’ve never experienced it before, it’s the creepiest of feelings, worse than the earthquake itself. There’s this nameless dread, this foreboding, as though something threatening is going to happen, but you don’t know what.
I grew up in California, so I've been awakened by plenty of earthquakes, and while there's occasionally "dread," it's seldom "nameless," in that the threatening thing that we don't know is going to happen is -- if it's woken you up -- already happening, and we call it "an earthquake."
After the quake, I lay in bed, my heart racing. I thought of how thousands of people were sharing in the experience; they were all jarred awake too, with their hearts racing and adrenaline surging.
But it's preferable to being awakened by surging Santorum, because then you've got to change the sheets.
It’s not just the trembling itself that’s disturbing; it’s the reminder. It’s the tangible proof that frightening things can and will happen without warning in the day or in the middle of the night.
Fortunately, reality TV is there to fill in the gaps between natural disasters.
Earthquakes are “Acts of God,” according to the vernacular of insurance policies. In the Midwest, where earthquakes are rare, people have been stricken by massive floods. Although God has been banished from schools and public buildings, floods and earthquakes remind us that He is omnipresent.
We used to have earthquake drills in school all the time.  The details are a little fuzzy after all these years (I mostly remember being impressed by how much fossilized Juicyfruit was stuck to the bottom of my desk) but I assume the teachers told us we were preparing for "Acts of Madalyn Murray O'Hair."
I heard a pastor once say that when God reveals Himself to you, it precipitates a state of shock. And this shock is not like anything you’ve ever experienced in your life.
Unless you've ever touched a screen door on a windy day.
When you feel God around you, when you understand His reality, it is an exhilarating, liberating, and, yes, shocking experience. Like the rumbling before an earthquake, it produces a feeling in you that has no words, one that cannot be understood with your rational mind. You are standing naked before a Force greater than anything you can ever imagine. And when you recognize what God can do, it is absolutely shocking.
So at least wear underpants to bed, or you're going to have a very awkward moment when the rescue workers dig you out of the rubble.
But there’s another shock too . . . and that’s when you confront the darkest side of the spirit world. When you come in contact with evil, it’s shocking in a very different way.

The evil could be viewing the most disgusting forms of pornography
...which is why it's always a good idea to knock before entering evil's bedroom.
...and I’m not just talking about viewing hard-core porn online. I’m referring to stuff Planned Parenthood foists on innocent children; or the shock of hearing the smutty, degrading names for conservatives, as in “tea baggers.”
 "How dare you call me a tea bagger?!"
 "Exactly!  It's disgusting!  Call me by my preferred name...Tea bag dangling ball capper!"
Simply surfing the Web these days, you’ll see the most reprehensible, unconscionable, and, yes, evil and shocking stuff that you could imagine — or never imagine.
Here, Robin, maybe this will help...
All around us, there are acts of God and there are acts of evil.
So a picture of naked boobs is an act of evil, but an earthquake is an act of God?  I somehow suspect that Japan -- if given the option -- would have preferred that their Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant be hit by a copy of Juggs magazine.
 If you’ve felt the awe of watching a baby born
 You know how moving it can be, right up until the moment the parents and doctor ask, "Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in the delivery room?" know the majesty that is God. If you’ve been a victim of a violent crime, you recognize that evil exists, and that it too is shocking, but in the most disturbing of ways.
Maybe it's luck, but I've spent most of my life in the two biggest cities in the country, and yet I've never been mugged by porn.
This is a circuitous way of moving on to my main topic, of a news event that I found utterly shocking. It was the announcement of the death of Andrew Breitbart, at age 43. Andrew Breitbart, for God’s sake!
The last person you'd ever expect to drop dead was the husky, drunken rage monkey who was last seen being dragged away from a group of puzzled protestors while hoarsely shrieking, "Stop raping people!"
 Unlike Rush or Hannity, Breitbart didn’t just report on and analyze the news. He made it.
Out of the same stuff most manufacturers use to make nitrate-rich fertilizer.
 He was one of the main people to bring down Acorn, and he had a huge hand in exposing “Farmgate.”
Mr. McGregor's midnight visits to Peter's hutch would not go unavenged!
Breitbart apparently had the goods on Obama: Breitbart had announced that he possessed secret tapes about Obama and his connection to revolutionaries. Then Breitbart suddenly died. This is the stuff of suspense thrillers, if it weren’t so horribly real.
If it were just horrible, it would be the stuff of Tom Clancy suspense thrillers.
Was Breitbart’s death an Act of God? Or was it an act from the polar opposite realm?
Breitbart was snuffed by Santa!
I don’t know. I have no inside information. However, I no longer believe everything that authorities tell me.
For instance, this letter from the California Board of Behavioral Sciences revoking Robin's license in Marriage and Family Therapy is clearly a tissue of complex, Illuminati-inspired lies!
The LA Coroner’s office performed the autopsy — they of Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and Nicole Simpson fame.
Which you can't trust, because apparently all those people are still secretly alive.
Apparently, the office quickly determined that Breitbart died of “natural causes,” that is, a heart problem. Interesting they knew that so quickly, while Houston’s autopsy took a week or so.
I like to think her bloodstream was more interesting.
Certainly, there are 40-something men who suddenly drop dead. I’ve known of a couple of people– however, they were involved in intense athletics at the time. 
Finally, we've discovered Robin's true identity.  She was Nelson Rockefeller's  secretary!
But I haven’t heard of too many people simply walking home from a night on the town who keel over and die.
Reading the headlines at Townhall and Pajamas Media, one can only hope that Breitbart, as he so often did in the past, will prove a trendsetter.
And how weird is it that he supposedly went out to a bar drinking
Have you ever seen video of Breitbart, Robin?  Because this is the least weird part of the story.
...and then embarked on a leisurely stroll around LA around midnight. Oh — and then he suddenly died.

It surely could have happened. But it surely could not have as well.
Maybe both happened at once, as I prove in my monograph, Schrödinger's Asshole.
 In either case, the news is shocking to me; it reminds me of that creepy rumbling I’ve experienced one too many times since moving out here, that seizes you with an awful fright. You know something bad is going to happen, but you don’t know what.
From now on, whenever there's an earthquake, my first thought will be, "either my Hummel collection is in peril, or Tucker Carlson just dropped splay-legged to the floor like a poleaxed steer."
Breitbart’s death could have well been an Act of God. Or it could have been an act of evil. The left’s delicious delight at his demise is certainly devilish in and of itself.
So Breitbart was either killed by God, or Vivid Video, and the only way to find out the truth is to wait and see which one Perry Mason takes on as a client.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

It's Probably Something You Effemin-ate.

By Keith:

Hello. Today we have a lecture on a subject that is dear to everyone – nutrition. And none other than World Net Daily columnist Jim Rutz is here to explain why America is going, well, “sooo, so gay.” 

Jim Rutz, "chairman of Megashift Ministries" and a man who knows that while a suede jacket is nice,  a suede jacket dripping with fringe is fabulous!

There’s a madness to Rutz’s method. I hope you will enjoy it.
There’s a slow poison out there that’s severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it’s a “health food,” one of our most popular.
Hmm, let’s see, could it be McNuggets? KFC bucket? Reveal to us more, Jim.
Now, I’m a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it’s organic. I state my bias here just so you’ll know I’m not anti-health food.
Well with food, even staples, rising in price I can’t always afford a free-range chicken. But agree, I seldom allow anything that isn’t organic into my kitchen. Even the toaster is made from disposable diapers rescued from Fresh Kills (and it’s a Cuisinart).

We don’t have roaches anymore, but when we did, they were organic as well.
The dangerous food I’m speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they’re all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.”
Tell me all about it Jimmy. On my last trip to “Trader Joe’s” I was attacked by a dozen very sexy-looking packages of tofu, although their makeup was smeared. I had to fight them off with broccoli spears. Turns out the poor things were lacking in moisture and only wanted beer which the general manager kindly provided.
I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you’re also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Estrogens are female hormones. If you’re a woman, you’re flooding your system with a substance it can’t handle in surplus. If you’re a man, you’re suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your “female side,” physically and mentally.
Thanks, Jim. But estrogens don’t exist entirely in the domain of the ladies, anymore than testosterone is solely confined to us guys. It’s just that the gals don’t usually behave, or write, like wanking ‘tards.

It’s like those things that poke out of your tee-shirts, Jim, you know, nipples. And if you ever bothered to “go downtown” on your loved one you might discover more ... but we digress.
In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen.
If you’re a grownup, you’re already developed, and you’re able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren’t so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you’re giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby’s endocrine system just can’t cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. “At the extreme, the damage can be fatal.
Ok, Jim. I’ve learned something here. I didn’t know that blastocysts preferred the female sex. Always thought it was a biological contingency ... you know, a gestation thingy. Seems sex selection is random enough.

And will someone out there please lead me to understand the phrase “female pattern?” I tried googling but all I got were sites dealing with paper dress designs, some lovely by the way, for those who possess the art of tailoring.
Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them.
OK. I get it. It’s all Aunt Mary’s fault. She was an ardent Seventh-Day Adventist and always fed me and my brother those soy faux-hamburgers that came in a can from Loma Linda. Aunt Mary. You made me what I am today.
Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it’s a classic example of a cure that’s worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow’s milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don’t even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it’s far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.
Oh, lord, where is the damn Merck Manual when it’s needed the most?
Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?

Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it’s too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic.
Well, Jim, we’re getting to know you in an intimate fashion. You have a little, itty-bitty penis shaped like that of a rat. Also mate selection is difficult because it’s awkward for your companion to pick that poor pecker out with tweezers, much less get it past the aspirin she’s holding between her knees. And I’ll bet you’re so cheap you won’t even take her to a nice restaurant after all her trouble.

And just, dear readers, when you thought things couldn’t get worse ...
Worse, there’s now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year!

There’s also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That’s why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy.
(I have a friend who lost his son to childhood leukemia so I’m just going to pass on this one.)
In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that “soy prevents cancer.” It doesn’t.
Well then. What have we to learn from this unexpected editorial comment on the evil of soy? My first experience with soy, apart from Aunt Mary’s Loma Linda burgers (which were very tasty, as I remember) was driving a friend’s 1967 Corvette very fast late at night in rural Virginia and missing a left turn. That missed turn took us through a huge soybean plantation ... and for the rest of the weekend we worked hard in the garage ‘round the clock to pick those damn soybeans out of the chassis.

But Jim, just because I have known soy, and have had accidents with soy, I don’t remember my penis size decreasing as a result. It’s still about the same size it was back in the day although it now has a small mole (which my doctor says is just fine).

But Jim still gets the last word. Sometimes fermentation absolves all.
P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it’s perfectly safe because it’s fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.
[Scott here, with a little mnemonic device to help you fellas avoid unwanted estrogen.  "Remember: Soy Sauce is Boy Sauce, but Tofu is Too Fey."]

Friday, March 2, 2012

Behold, a Pale Horse! And Its Rider's Name was Swank

Well, the Internet seemed to be tying itself in knots over Andrew Breitbart's abrupt exit all day, while the world outside my computer seemed as blissfully ignorant of his death as it was of his existence.  I don't really have much to add to the retrospective; in fact, I woke up with a bad headache and didn't even turn on the Mac until after lunch, so I wasn't aware Mr. Big (Fill in the Blank URL) had smeared his last smear until I got an email from Keith, to which I replied, "For those who believe in a Better World, they can take comfort in the knowledge that Breitbart's body has now been reunited with his soul, which predeceased him by several decades."  (And I'll apologize for that just as soon as Breitbart retracts his statement that the still-cooling corpse of Ted Kennedy was "a prick.")

Anyway, the conspiracy theories are just getting started, so if you weren't sick of Breitbart and his act before, you'll still have plenty of time to catch up (it's not like deciding suddenly to start watching Lost midway through the fourth season).  Personally, though, I'm not in the mood, so I'm giving most of my go-to wingnut sites a wide berth tonight.  But then the thought occurred to me:  "You know what?  We really need some Pastor Swank up in this bitch."
Criminal Jesus? : 'They Hate Me. They Will Hate You Too!'
Sometimes I wonder if the world considers Jesus the Criminal of All Time.
Yes, probably because of that sign over the cross ("INRI," as we all learned in Sunday School, being the Latin abbreviation for "Thug Life").
You'd think so. The way that some rail against Him, His teachings, His church, you'd think that Jesus was one of the most ardent con artists of all time.
No, you're thinking of St. Paul, whose "Letter to the Corinthians" was the Nigerian email scam of its day.
Jesus is hauled off of public property. There He is but a Baby in a manger setting.
Do you have any idea how many harmful parasites and bacteria can thrive in donkey and goat dung?  It's no wonder somebody called Child Protective Services and had that kid hauled out of there -- even if he was plastic.  (Full disclosure:  When I was a child, our family had a very elaborate Nativity Scene that I would help my father assemble each Christmas, until we moved to an exurban area and had to give it up because the placenta was attracting wolves.
Yet He's flung across the lot into some warehouse or dumpster for His very presence is "offensive." So there go Mary and Joseph as well. And the angels to boot.

Is Jesus that outrageously awful? What crime did He commit?
Certainly not Littering.
 What terrible deed did He set upon humanity by which, two thousand years later, He's scorned, lifted up as a Madman and then derailed from political life, government property and the marketplace. 
I didn't realize Jesus was planning to run for public office, but it seems like the time is ripe.  In years past, the Press Corps might have demanded he explain his relationship with Mary Magdalene, but in the post-David Vitter GOP, consorting with prostitutes seems to be a vote-getter.
Santa can stay. Elves can play around. Frosty can scamper. But Jesus has to go. 
Apparently because he refused to frolic.
The culture has a hatred settled in maximum when it comes to Jesus.
I hate when that happens, but I keep my hatred settled in minimum to keep winter fuel bills down.
But when I read about Him in the historic records - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Your standards of historiography are high, Pastor, but let's not forget Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which is even more historical, because it includes the Apostle Spider-Man.
 - I don't come upon a distasteful personality. 
Which is unusual for scripture.  For instance, Zoroaster spends a good 70% of the Yasna Haptanghaiti calling Ahura Mazda "bossy" and "kind of an asshole."
It's this Jesus who drives straight the discrimination against women by speaking to a Samaritan woman - one considered a half-breed by the culture. He not only speaks with her but offers hope of forgiveness and new life in grace. 
Unfortunately, it's Nancy Grace.
It's this Jesus who reaches out to the lepters - the scum of society of the first cenutry rule.
Lepters were first created in the First Century A.D., when the Large Hadron Collider (then located in Rome, and made of terra cotta) accelerated a lepton into a high energy leper.

It's this Jesus who then climbs upon a Roman cross, permitting soldiers to drive spikes into His flesh. He, having committed no wrong, no crime, broken no law, hangs between the skies till He dies. 
It's too bad Bill O'Reilly wasn't at the Crucifixion, because then he could have shot Jesus right between the head and put him out of his misery.
Having no money for His own burial plot, He's placed in a borrowed gravesite. 
The owner was a little leery, because Christ never brought back that Garden Weasel he borrowed, but amazingly, he promptly returned the plot three days later.
And for His thirty-three years of caring for people, loving the lvoeless and pointing folk to heaven, He's still screamed at, strewn across history's pages as a maniacal religious zealot, and then hacked to pieces in one court room after another. 
I always thought that Bailiff from Night Court looked a little unstable.
The ACLU breathes daily to crucify Jesus afresh.
I'm not exactly sure what this sentence is supposed to mean, but I think the ACLU is endorsing Mentos.
 So some school personnel - from superintends to classroom teachers to custodians and bus drivers. And those who don't are in fear of losing their positions if they speak out in defense of Jesus.
I remember when I got called into the superintends' officedent.  It was so.
There are town clerks who wake up in the morning just to see if any Jesus follower comes into the office with the attempt to display a Nativity School in fonrt of town hall. If the request commes to the desk, the inquirer's knuckles are wrapped and the posterior is pointed to the town hall's exit sign. 
So if you want a permit to display a Nativity School in fonrt of town hall, just be aware that they'll make you wrap your knuckles and box the city clerk.  And if you lose, you get sodomized by the signage.
You tell me.
What did Jesus do to the ACLU? What did Jesus do to harm town hall or the school district or the mall? What did Jesus do to hurt society and destroy culture? What, in God's name, did Jesus do to deserve such hatred?
Wait, so now the mall hates Jesus?  That's a little hypocritical, considering how much money they make off him every year, although I can certainly see why the Fed-Ex delivery guy hates him.
Yet, Jesus, knowing the desperate damage done to the moral's soul in The Fall, forecast that He would be despised. He would be hated of all men. And those who pikced up His cross dailyi, following in His bloody footsteps, would be despised as well. They would be hated.
Well, they did track blood all over the carpet.
So today those who attempt to sing about the redemption of Jesus' blood in a Unitarian Church are told to worship someplace else.
The same thing happened to me when I tried to sacrifice a ram.  Unitarians got a stick up their ass.
Those who speak of Jesus in a public classroom, or, God forbid, try to sing a Christian Christmas carol in a school program, are marched to the courts.
Largely because the courts are better funded than the schools in this country, so the kids get a more comprehensive education there.  You probably remember this phenomenon from the end of every Dragnet episode ("On March 2nd, a science class was held in Superior Court, in and for the County of Los Angeles.  In a moment, the results of that class."  [Spoiler alert: the District Attorney stuck toothpicks in a potato and suspended it in a glass of water to prove it would sprout roots.])

So the Christians persist against the secularists - the ACLU, godless school principals and unbelieving teachers, apostate clergy in various denominating, and those who masquerade as do-gooders for society who all the while work to crush religious freedom, Christian witness, and the due rights of believers to tell the old, old story of the cross.
So I think what the Pastor is trying to say here is, if your story is stale, try Mentos.  It's the Freshmaker.