Our friend and longtime Wo'C contributor Bill (the S! is for Sass!) S. is kind enough to do the honors again this year:
Today marks the birthday of the lovely MaryC, and I am once again stumped as to what would be a suitable gift. So, I find myself returning to the catalog for Carol Wright Gifts. After all, I unearthed so many interesting finds there last year -- and by "interesting," I mean they're items one would never, ever think to give as gifts. Surely there's something just right...right?
FRUIT SALAD TREE-5 DIFFERENT FRUITS ON ONE TREE! (1 tree, $24.99)
Extra-Large "Sweet & Juicy Peaches
Giant Purple plums Up to 1/3 of a pound
Super Big Golden Apricots
Lush and Tangy Nectarines
Apple-Sized Red plums
At its easy-picking growth height of 12-15 feet, enjoy the feat of fruits...Each sapling you receive stands approx. 3-4 feet high.
(Sorry, this item cannot be shipped into CA, OR or WA.)
Aw, shoot, Mary lives in California. Guess I'll have to find some other genetically modified plant. The catalog also offers "GIANT BLUEBERRIES-BLUBERRIES AS BIG AS QUARTERS" (2 plants, $9.99), KING KONG STRAWBERRIES AS BIG AS PEACHES! (6 plants $8.99), and, "As Seen On TV", a tomato plant that "Grows 8 feet in just 90 Days!" (Only $9.99). Hmm, 8 feet in 90 days? At that rate, by next year it'll be 32 feet high. That's a long way to climb for a salad ingredient.
Perhaps flowers might be better:
Spectacular Blooms Up to 10" across!
Hmm, looking at the photo in the catalog, it looks large enough to devour a small child. As a teacher, Mary might find it useful in classrooms with particularly unruly students.
SOLAR POWERED TULIP LAWN STAKES (Set of 4 only $17.99)
Automatically turns on at night & off during the day! Solar powered No electricity needed.
I think I like these best, as they're the easiest to care for.
TERRY TURBAN (As low as $4.99)
Whether you wear it as a cover-up or a fashion accessory, this terry turban with ultrachic front knot and gathered back is sure to turn a few heads in your direction.
Especially at a revival screening of Sunset Boulevard.
TROPICAL ROMPER* (As low as $12.99)
Have fun in the sun in this easy-to-wear strapless romper, designed in brilliant tropical print... Polyester. Imported.
Because domestic polyester would be just tacky.
*When I read the phrase "tropical romper," it sounded like some kinky sexual position to me. And now that I've said that, it will to you as well.
32-MELODY WIRELESS DOORBELL (Only $14.99)
This wireless doorbell plays your choice of 32 melodies-from old favorites like "The Yellow Rose of Texas" to Christmas carols and classic chimes.
"Classic chimes"? Gee, there's an oldies station I've never tuned in to. I'd recommend finding the melody that will scare away Mormon missionaries and Jehovah's Witnesses the quickest.
TALKING CALLER-ID SPEAKERPHONE WITH TIME AND DATE (Only $29.99)
Announces the phone number of Who's Calling Before You Answer the Phone.
Ooh, so close. It would be perfect if it said things like, "That bitch you can't stand is trying to call you again!" in a Karen Walker voice.
FUCOXANTHIN PATCH-CR (tm) Set of 30 ($19.99)
Lose weight even while you sleep with these time-release, all-natural fat-burning patches...No shakes, no extra-large pills to swallow. Just apply one patch a day.
Methinks this could be a scam. I suppose its effectiveness depends where you put the patch.
BUTTON EXTENDERS (Set of 2 only $2.99)
Keep your favorite pants without costly tailoring. Slip over existing button and add a full inch to waistbands.
Hey, it's cheaper than the patch. And probably works better.
Cologne to UNLEASH YOUR SENSUALITY (note: the boxes are displayed in the catalog, but I can't make out the brand name due to the size of the pictures, and it isn't listed elsewhere) $14.99
This pheromone based cologne attracts members of the opposite sex like a magnet...Men's original scent and the women's unscented...
Wait, "unscented" cologne? Isn't that just called "water"? Anyway, this sounds like a product for single people. Single, desperate people. Single, desperate, gullible people...
DO IT YOURSELF LEGAL WILL KIT (Our price $6.99)
Now, THAT'S a cheery gift idea!
SOBAWAKA CLOUD PILLOW (Only $19.99)
The last pillow you'll ever need to buy!
Is that a threat?
Deter garden pests with this light-reflecting guard owl. He has realistic eyes and a holographic design that creates the illusion of continuous movement. Weatherproof plastic with a loop for hanging and a weighted bottom that keeps him from flying away.
Because fake owls are always trying to escape their masters.
LUCKY LOTTO TICKET SCRATCHER (Only $5)
Scratch your tickets with this "lucky coin" and WIN, WIN, WIN!
Genuine U.S. minted penny and a pewter shamrock.
Five dollars for a one cent coin to scratch off a $1 lotto ticket? I'm not looking anymore, I've found the perfect gift!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARY! Hope it's everything it should be!
From Scott: Well, with that entry, I think it's pretty clear to all that Bill S. has won the Essay Contest, and there's nothing much for me to add, except the obligatory Topless Nathan Fillion shot, this year hoisted fresh from a screencap of Serenity: