World O' Crap Remembers Roy

While Time's Arrow flies in but one direction, History is a circle, as Sheri reminded me today with this post from August, 2011.  We were celebrating the eighth anniversary of World O' Crap by rooting through the first week's postings, which were mostly concerned with helping then-Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore for proving that he's dumb as a rock. I mean, a literal rock. Like, two tons of granite worth of dumb.

So I thought I'd repost this, for the benefit of newbies who only think of Roy as a hebephile:
====================================================================

Just two days after the publication of her founding manifesto, s.z. took on the Judge Roy Moore-Big Rock Candy Commandments Controversy, which was just then coming to a head.  For those who may not recall the details, Moore was the newly elected Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, who felt the wooden Ten Commandments plaque that hung in the Courthouse wasn't ostentatious enough.  So he commissioned a 2½-ton granite monument carved with a graven image of the Decalogue, and had it delivered to the Rotunda after business hours.  Chief Justice Moore seems to have anticipated that his actions might be regarded as irregular, if not downright illegal by the Federal judiciary, since, according to Wikipedia:

The installation was filmed, and videotapes of the event were sold by Coral Ridge Ministries, an evangelical media outlet in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which later used proceeds from the film's sales to pay Moore's ensuing legal expenses. Coral Ridge was the operation of the late Reverend D. James Kennedy, a staunch Moore supporter.

Moore also had a Copyright notice chiseled into the monument, presumably so he could help fund his extra-Constitutional activities by selling paperweight reproductions in the Supreme Court Gift Shop. 

The next morning, Moore held a press conference in the central rotunda to officially unveil the monument [and] declared, "Today a cry has gone out across our land for the acknowledgment of that God upon whom this nation and our laws were founded....May this day mark the restoration of the moral foundation of law to our people and the return to the knowledge of God in our land."

 While most bloggers discussed the First Amendment implications of Moore's actions, s.z. decided to go directly to the top:

God Comments On Alabama Ten Commandments Rock 

It seems that this guy Rob Moore is just not going to get his rock out of the rotunda -- at least, not until the media stops covering this story.

And while there have been a lot of people interviewed about the situation (Rob, his supporters, the Alabama State Attorney General, the ACLU, Jerry Falwell, etc.), it seems that nobody has talked to perhaps the key player in all of this: God.

So, I got in touch with God's press secretary and managed to set up a short lunch meeting. Here's a transcript of our conversation:

========================

Me: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me.

God: No problem. I meet so few reporters these days that I felt it was my duty.

Me: Hey, was that a slam?!? But let's move on. As you know . . .

God: Yes. I'm omniscient.

Me: . . .Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has said "he would be guilty of treason" if he didn't fight to keep a monument of the Ten Commandments in the rotunda of the state judicial building. Do you agree?

God: Yes. But since Ann Coulter branded everybody she doesn't like (Democrats, liberals, women, airport baggage screeners, all the kids who made fun of her girlish crush on Joe McCarthy, etc.) as traitors, treason is now cool and hip.

Me: Moore has also said that he needs to keep the monument in the rotunda "to fulfill the campaign promise that he made to the citizens of Alabama to restore the moral foundation of law." What do you think he means by this?

God: That he wants to do Law & Order, Old Testement-style. You know, stoning homosexuals. Stoning adulteresses. Stoning kids who sass their parents. Stuff like that.

Me: And do you agree with him on this?

God: Hell, no! I sent you people my son and licensed representative to give you Commandments Version 2.0, which has a root code of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I don't see anybody putting a two-ton granite block of THAT in any state buildings!

Me: So, what do you think of Reverend Falwell's comparison of Moore "with slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., who defied segregation laws in the white-dominated U.S. South in the 1950s and 1960s"?

God: Well, I hardly need Moore or Falwell to fight for MY desegregation. I AM omnipresent, you know.

Me: I think Falwell meant that it's okay to break "man's law when needed to preserve God's law."

God: I knew that. (Might I remind you of that omniscience thing?) I just thought it was a stupid analogy. And by the way, my law was never "Put a big granite monument of the Ten Commandments in a public place." My law was "Obey the damn commandments, and even more than that, love your enemies. Oh, and don't make a public spectacle of yourself by trumpeting your good deeds in the street or praying to be seen of men. And no worshipping of graven images!" But I guess it's my fault that I didn't package this stuff as "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Commandments."

Me: And what do you think of Alan Keyes urging of Moore's supporters to "take back America from the unruly courts"?

God: I think that Keyes and Moore should first work on taking back daytime television from those unruly court TV shows! They are annoying, irresponsible, and demeaning to all involved. Plus, they take up valuable air time that could be used for reruns of "Highway to Heaven" and "Touched by an Angel." And "Perry Mason"--I've always liked that one. Oh, and speaking of sedition, don't you think that what Keyes is advocating comes close?

Me: Um, I really couldn't comment--except that if being a traitor is now cool, I don't think Keyes is one. One last question: what do you think of Moore's vow to file a formal appeal with the high court “to defend our constitutional right to acknowledge God"?

God: Being omniscient and all, I'm pretty sure that the constitution doesn't say that one has the right to acknowledge ANYTHING by sneaking 5,300-pound slabs of granite into public buildings in the dead of night. Unless perhaps Moore is speaking of the "Pranksters, Hazers, and Practical Jokesters Constitution."  

As for acknowledging ME, I would prefer it if people would, you know, visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction, and keep themselves unspotted from the world. Sure, it's easier to lug around big rocks, but it's not really the way I want to be worshipped. The big chunk o' granite thing just makes me look stupid in front of my friends.

Me: I'll pass that along. Well, thanks for your time. And best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

God. Same to you. See you at the second coming. Um, wear something nonflammable! 

=================
There you have it. I hope this ends this little contretemps, and we don't have to read anymore about it ever again. Because it only encourages Moore and rewards him for acting out, and we don't want that. Or the next time he's up for reelection he'll lug the Dome of the Rock into the court house parking lot and refuse to move it, even though it's in a handicapped space, as a way of showing his constituents that he's a moron.

And then a week or so later, s.z. very kindly tossed me the keys and let me take her blog for a spin:

DON’T KNOCK THE ROCK! 

Roy Moore Draws Support of Rock-Worshipping Cults

By World O'Crap Special Correspondent Scott C.

The recent debate over Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s monument to the Ten Commandments has exposed and to some degree exacerbated the tensions that exist between mainstream and fundamentalist Christianity. At the same time, however, the 5,300 pound cause celebre has also served to unite several previously hostile religious movements.

"Initially, church elders declined to take a position on this controversy," said Ronald Zietlow, Chief Mameluke of the Igneous Brotherhood. "We mistakenly believed that Chief Justice Moore and his followers worshipped an omniscient, omnipresent, but non-corporeal diety, and that the granite monument was merely symbolic. 

"Naturally, that sort of abstract cosmotheism doesn’t interest us, since we worship the sturdy and tangible Three Stones of Fintoozler. But once we heard the protesters screaming, 'Get your hands off our god, god-haters!' (Protesters React Angrily to Monument Removal ) we realized that the granite carving was in fact their diety. Naturally, we felt obliged to offer our support in the spirit of stone-worshipping ecumenism. Plus, we admired their forethought in placing a copyright notice on their god. Many’s the time I wish that the High Prophet had taken a moment to visit the Trademark Office, since we’re losing quite a bit of potential merchandising revenue at the Three Stones. Particularly sales of T-shirts and those foam drink sleeves."

This sentiment was echoed by Timothy DeLongpre, a deacon at Our Lady of Feldspar in Sterling, Virginia. "As a minority faith which reveres consecrated sandstone, we are firm believers in defending the right to practice one’s religion, free of interference by Federal bureaucrats. We are also staunch supporters of anything which strengthens the ecumenical bonds of friendship and respect among the world’s leading rock-worshipping cults, because, frankly, some of them practice human sacrifice and they scare the crap out of me." DeLongpre added that many in his congregation have admired the way Chief Justice Moore championed his faith by hiring workmen to sneak his god onto public property in the middle of the night, and the way he boldly secured a copyright on his own Maker. "In our own parish, the poor often go hungry because our product line has been diluted by the unlicensed theme mugs of third party heretics."

Father Rodolfo, pastor of the First Church of Mexican Wrestlers Who Worship Rock Men From the Moon has closely followed the contretemps in Alabama, and believes that whether Moore’s effort succeeds or fails, he will long be honored as a peacemaker.

"Ours is a very inclusive church," said the priest as he took a break from calling Bingo on a recent Wednesday night. "And we are saddened by all this factionalism: Shale versus gypsum, sedimentary versus metamorphic. These doctrinal squabbles threaten to overwhelm our faith and blind us to the one thing we should never lose sight of: that despite our different beliefs and customs, we are all children of a big rock."

Rawiri Gaia, priestess of Rapa Nui agrees. "I believe that Moore’s crusade can already be counted a success, for it has helped to heal the theological divisions within my own faith." She gestured eloquently toward a towering head carved from the native rock.

"For countless generations we have venerated these enormous graven images of Richard Kiel. Or possibly Ted Cassidy. That’s another doctrinal sore point. But the fact is, in recent years we’ve seen a graying of our congregations. We needed to modernize our services, do something to appeal to the younger set, so we began outfitting our monoliths with gigantic Devo hats from the ‘Whip It!’ video.

"Some of our more traditional members threatened a schism, but fortunately Judge Moore’s timely stand on behalf of boulder fetishists everywhere reminded us that when it comes to eternal salvation, it doesn’t really matter what accessories your god is wearing. Only that he was carved with loving care, and legally trademarked."

Not all devotees of stone deities welcome the attention brought by the Ten Commandments imbroglio. Dave Bradley of Appleton, Wisconsin, who worships marble ("I like a smooth god," he says) claims that all the publicity has brought "kooks and whackos" flooding to his faith.

 "None Dare Call It Necrophilia"

Still, whether Moore’s Take Your God to Work Day program is successful may prove less important in the end than the comfort and inspiration it has provided to hundreds of pagan Alabamians. "It’s like the Stonewall Riot," said protester Cyrus Fletcher of Mobile. "Except with a big rock. And fewer drag queens."

So there you have it.  On November 13, 2003, less than three months after World O' Crap published a series of whimsical japes on the Ten Commandments Controversy, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary voted unanimously to defrock Chief Justice Moore.  The connection is inescapable.

Girl On Go-Gurt Action!

You may remember One Million Moms from their jihad against Kraft, and specifically the undressed man who hawked their dressing. Well, they're back, and this time they're torqued at lactose-lovin' L-Words.

Nude lesbians cavort in bed in 'sinful' TV commercial

As we've said before, we don't believe there are actually one million moms who care if there are ladies out there with eclectic tastes that include vagina, soured milk products, and implied nudity. Instead, we suspect it's one mom with multiple personalities -- not a million of them, because that would be too awesome to hope for, so let's just say it's probably more than Toni Collette had in The United States of Tara, but fewer than Sally Field fielded in Sybil. The twist is that this time, every personality is an asshole!

Members of One Million Moms, a faith-based advocacy group tied to the American Family Association, is furious over a Chobani yogurt ad featuring lesbians in bed and is calling for the company to pull the TV commercial now airing in the U.S.

I was talking to Mary about it, and she thinks it's not really MillionMom who's worked up by this commercial, but MillionDad. ("You're right, honey, this is shocking! And scandalous. And sinful! Oh yes...so very, very sinful. It's probably some other 's' words too, but I can't think of any at the moment. Let's watch it two or three more times and I'm sure they'll come to me...!"

The ad shows a woman in bed eating the yogurt, stroking the foot of a companion laying beside her, and then standing and wrapping the sheet around her naked body before leaving the room. It’s then the viewer is shown the other nude person in the bed is not a man, like one would expect, but a woman. She smiles and the camera reveals she’s wearing a wedding ring.

I had no preconceptions about the sex of the bed's other occupant, but I was relieved that it didn't turn out to be, as I originally expected, a severed horse head.

One Million Moms says the ad promotes sexual sin, as well as homosexual marriage.

I'd say it acknowledges same sex marriage, rather than promotes it, since the commercial is selling yogurt and not diamonds, flowers, or pastel cummerbunds. But if we assume, arguendo, that her claim is true, that means the ad can't also be promoting "sexual sin", since the ladies are married. They may be doing it Sappho-style, and then celebrating with Greek yogurt just to keep the theme going, but the important thing is, they're not doing it Bristol Palin style.

Meanwhile, the narrator sings in the background, “To love this life is to live it naturally,” and posts the text over a shot of the ocean water and beach.

If your biggest problem with this commercial is that it ends with some pseudo-inspirational quote over an image of sea and sand, then it's possible your beef isn't with lesbian yogurt, but with 90% of Instagram users over the age of thirty.

“There is nothing natural about homosexuality,” One Million Moms wrote.

But at least it's not an abomination, unlike yogurt. Especially that fruit-at-the-bottom crap.

 “What does selling yogurt have to do with gay sex? Nothing at all, but Chobani wants to make the association.”

Okay MillionMom, if you're outraged about someone using sex to sell a product, I would just remind you that Chobani didn't invent the concept, and suggest you take it up with the Garden of Eden Fruit Growers Association and their spokesmodel, Eve.

The group then references a biblical passage, Romans 1:26-27

Which was a heartbreaker of a loss for the Romans, especially coming into the playoffs.

to support its view of homosexuality as a sin, and asks for similarly outraged Americans to call the company to petition for the ad’s removal.

I don't know if there are enough "similarly outraged Americans" to actually fill up a whole petition. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of outrage to go around in this country, but I don't know how similar it is to MillionMom's; I have a feeling her outrage is somewhat sui generis, at least in it's peculiar focus on homosexuals in proximity to food.  But even if she realized it, I don't expect such knowledge would deter MillionMom; rather, I imagine it would only inspire her to make her name literally true by investigating that cloning process that cranks out surplus Tatiana Maslanys.

“[We're] urging them to pull this inappropriate commercial immediately and remain neutral in the culture war,” the group wrote. “Also, let Chobani know that continuing to air this ad and offensive advertisements in the future will force your family to make the decision to no longer purchase Chobani products.”

No offense, MillionMom, but they sell yogurt, so maybe you're not the demographic they're really targeting. But don't be discouraged; the day Frito-Lay decides to promote Cheddar & Sour Cream flavored Ruffles with buttsex is the day you get to bring down the MillionMom Mallet!

Some national media applauded the ad. The Huffington Post called it “stunning” and “sexy,” while The New York Daily News called it, “steamy,” and “gay”-media outlets raved.

"The most erotic meeting of food and sex since the dinner scene in Tom Jones!" -- Journal of Industrial Foodservice.

"Blue is the Warmest Color, but please refrigerate your yogurt." -- National Association of Dairy Product Retailers.

As WND reported, world renowned Christian leader Rev. Franklin Graham told his Facebook followers to stop doing business with stores and corporations that advance unbiblical principles – that the power of the purse can be used to advance God’s will. 

Graham told the Charlotte Observer he plans to compile and publicize a list of companies that feature same-sex couples in their advertising. “I want people to know,” he said.

Good luck with your many hours of research into sexy gay images, Reverend. And maybe hang a necktie on the doorknob so your roommate doesn't just walk in on you.

He wrote: “Have you ever asked yourself – how can we fight the tide of immoral decay that is being crammed down our throats by big business, the media, and that gay & lesbian community? Every day it is something else!”

Thanks to big business gays and the media, life in America today is just like the old Mickey Mouse Club: Monday is Fun with Music Day, Wednesday is Anything Can Happen Day, Thursday is Circus Day, but every day is Throat-Cramming Day!

And as example, he announced his own evangelical organization will cut ties with Wells Fargo because of advertising featuring lesbians.

And accidentally deposited all his money in a bank that's gayer than the collected works of Jean Genet, but hey, it's the ugly thought that counts.

“This is one way we as Christians can speak out,” he wrote. “We have the power of choice. Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

I'm sorry, Rev, did you say something? I was too busy watching nude lesbians cavort sinfully. (OPENS FORTUNE COOKIE) In bed.

Doug Giles Defends Josh Duggar Because of Course He Does

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It All Began at a Little 5000-Watt Radio Station...

Since it looks like Republican Congressman and White Supremacist Toastmaster General Steve Scalise (R-LA) will be keeping his job as House Majority Whip, I thought we'd give Pastor Swank a break this week and take a look back at a time when wingnut politicians and lay preachers actually went out of their way to badmouth Nazis, so long as the Nazis in question were Holocaust survivors. Or worse -- birdwatchers.

Sunday Sermonette: From John Stokes With Love And Squalor

Posted by scott on September 6th, 2009

Well, it’s Labor Day Weekend, traditionally a slow time for news organizations and their symbiotic parasites, bloggers.  So after trolling the intertubes without success, I was desperate enough to pop into WorldNetDaily looking for a fix, only to interrupt what at first appeared to be an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting…

My name is John Stokes, and I reside in Bigfork, Mont., USA.

Hi, John!

First, I love you, no matter where you are, age sex or race. I love you and will help you any way I can. My family will also.

Um, I think we’re moving a little too fast…

I am 57 years young, married for 32 years to my beautiful bride and blessed to have one child named Elizabeth, age 28, and she is married to a wonderful man named David. I am blessed to have and love many friends.

Oh, so you’re swingers.  Hey, that’s cool.  We don’t judge here.

I get by and pay my bills and own KGEZ 600 AM radio in Kalispell, Mont. I also do an information program for three hours daily. I pray to our Lord daily that others may be cared for, healthy and happy.

Except maybe for conservationists, Jews, and African-Americans:

Klaus Stern, a Nazi holocaust survivor who recently spoke in Kalispell, took issue with Stokes‘ use of the Nazi label to describe environmentalists. “To me, ‘Nazi’ means killing and abusing 6 million Jews and 5 million Christians, and handicapped people. How can anyone call good people Nazis just because they don’t agree with him?”

After the Daily Inter Lake in Kalispell reported Stern’s comments, Stokes responded: “I’m sick of these pathetic people out there that somehow say, ‘I’m a black person, so I’m a victim. You should feel sorry for me. Everything I do, I should be excused for.’ … And that goes for Jewish holocaust victims, too. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you gave up your guns. I’m sorry you let the Third Reich gain power … But too bad, so sad, get over it.” [...]  He has depicted blacks as whiners, told a holocaust survivor to “use both hands to take his head out of his butt” and to take responsibility for the rise of Hitler.

Immediately after 9/11, Stokes “attempted to place the responsibility for the acts on liberals, especially conservationists whom he calls “Green Nazis.” Using the fallout from the attacks, Stokes has advocated the formation of a militia for Montana’s defense … Stokes has used the World Trade Center attacks to revisit the Oklahoma City Bombing [saying] that Tim McVeigh was connected to Islamic extremists who let McVeigh take the fall … Stokes said that McVeigh might have been an extreme conservationist indoctrinated by the Sierra Club or the Wilderness Association.”

Anyway, let’s check back in with John, and see if he’s done praying for us.  Well, those of us who are white, Christian, straight, and don’t really enjoy the outdoors.

I’m not a stupid person –

Like "I'm not a racist," this preface will self-refute in five seconds...

but I don’t understand why:

John proceeds with a list — a long list, 40 or 50 items — of things that he doesn’t understand, despite his lack of stupidity.  So let’s just hit the highlights:

A possibly foreign-born person is our president.

Well, it is WND, and it’s considered polite to make an offering of birtherism before you get to your main thesis.  It’s like taking off your shoes when entering a Japanese home, or bringing a hostess gift of elk jerky and bullets when you visit a militia compound.

The real truth of events is kept from the citizens.

See McVeigh, Timothy, President, National Audubon Society.

Homosexuality is now taught in our schools and considered normal. (Never met one that was normal.)

Well, it really depends on what you’re using for your standard of comparison.  For instance, you’re a perfectly normal guy, assuming the baseline is Julius Streicher.

Same sex marriage is now a right.

In Montana?  Wow, what’s next — man-on-beaver?

Our food supply now comes from foreign sources.

Our domestic food supply has been genetically modified and even kills the insects.

So we do have a non-foreign food supply, we just prefer to use our corncobs and Kraft American Singles to swat flies.

We can’t pray in public or our schools.

Try the closet.  It’s Jesus Recommended.

Pornography is free speech.

Actually some of it’s quite pricey, especially if you don’t remember to cancel before your 7-day trial period is up because they’ll bill you for the whole month, even if you didn’t think the girls were that cute.

The right to assemble and protest is limited to a free-speech zone.

I take it this is an “encore presentation” of a column that originally ran in 2004?

Our taxes pay for abortion.

Well they’re certainly not paying to fill those potholes on Fairfax Avenue, so I’m glad we’re getting something for our tax dollars.

Our jobs for American families are now overseas.

And it makes for a sucky commute.  But it is refreshing to find a right wing talk show host who’s concerned about the outsourcing of our manufacturing base rather than spending his time obsessing over bizarre conspiracy theories.

They want to track every farm animal.

Our garage sales are now monitored.

Which is why, when we had a yard sale after my grandma passed away, we could only get a buck-fifty for her decorative blackamoors.  I blame the Illuminati.

We pay for people not to work.

We pay farmers not to farm.

Farmers are going broke and getting pennies for their labor and product when we pay record prices.

Obviously there’s a flaw in the system.  Maybe we should try paying farmers to farm, or at least allow them to farm on spec.

A pickup truck cost $40,000 and is made in another country. Toyotas are made here!

And Toyota makes…trucks.  Are you sure you’re not stupid?  Maybe it’s me…

We pay for others’ babies and for illegal immigrants.

I got my illegal immigrant for 50% off at Big Lots! — and he was only slightly irregular!  The baby is still back-ordered, though.

People watch TV and become absolutely stupid.

And congratulations on your 60″ plasma screen and deluxe premium cable package.

People voluntarily drink fluoride, eat MSG, soy, genetically modified food and every other toxic byproduct of the chemical petro industry.

Soy?  I kinda get the fluoride, the MSG and the GM food, but soy?  Oh, wait — that’s right — it was WND that broke the big “Soy is Secret Homo Sauce” story back in ought-six.

I don’t understand Prozac.

Evidently.

I don’t understand why people are afraid of guns.

Have someone shoot one at you. Should clear things right up.

I don’t understand why people fear the government.

Dude, they’re tracking our farm animals!

I don’t understand why so many beautiful single women can’t find a decent man to love provide and protect her.

By a strange coincidence, John recently joined the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so beautiful single ladies…?  You’re in luck!

I don’t understand why America sleeps when we should be getting out the tar and feathers and doings as our founders did.

Sleeping with our slaves?  I think maybe just a good water- or silicone-based lubricant would do the job.

If you have any answers, I’d like you to share them with me atstokes@z600.com.

My love and blessings,

John Stokes

Personally, I’m out of both answers and questions, although John’s column has given me a great idea for a thriller about a government surveillance expert who overhears farm animals planning an assassination.  It’s sort of Blow-Out meets Babe: Pig in the City.  I’m calling it Pig-Out.

The Benefits of a Classical Education

You may remember the PolitiChicks as "The Voice of the Conservative Woman," and also as a kind of collective wingman for the "Hottest Conservative Supermen in America," talking up the sexual prowess of ubermenschen such as Jonah Goldberg, Hugh Hewitt, and Louis Gohmert.

But it's not all about intensely blonde women catcalling intensely white men, because some of the Politichicks are actually PolitiDicks, such as Dr. J.P. Sloane, who takes a subject -- occasions and events appropriate for the National Cathedral -- which in lesser hands might prove rather bland, and spices it up for the holidays with a dry rub of parochial panic:

Our Nation's Cathedral-Mosque-the Abomination of Desecration Has Begun!

Judging by the title, Dr. Sloane appears to have a gift for light verse in the vein of Ogden Nash, if Nash had spent less time writing poems about baseball and animals and more time scribbling couplets about holy war.  Otherwise, his work is new to World O' Crap, so let's skip to the bottom of the article and check his c.v.:

Dr. Sloane graduated from: Purdue University, The Institute of Charismatic Studies at Oral Roberts University, The Moody Bible Institute, and The Institute of Jewish-Christian Studies.

Dr. Sloane is also the World's Leading Wayne Newton Impersonator...

...so you can see why he chose to take an advanced degree in Charisma.

He earned a B.A., Summa Cum Laude, from The Master’s College where he studied at their IBEX campus in Israel and earned an M.A. in Counseling.

The Master's College is not, surprisingly, where all those negligee-wearing co-eds in Manos, The Hands of Fate matriculated, but a Bible school in suburban L.A. County (with a satellite campus in Israel staffed by a faculty of wild goats). Their mission statement calls for "Intellectual growth, as evidenced by," among other things, "Willingness to defend the inerrancy, authority and sufficiency of the Scriptures."

Anyway, the sheer number of schools he's attended is Palinesque, and we're not even done, because Dr. (or should I say "Dr."? I probably should) Sloane "earned two doctorates" from Trinity Theological Seminary, which is an unaccredited correspondence school in Indiana.  And all this while cultivating a PTL-worthy pompadour and a pencil mustache!

So let's see what's caused "Dr." Sloane's consternation about the abomination desecration. I'm gonna guess it's religious desegregation, leading to Muslim indoctrination.

America was founded on the premise that we are the second Israel because—like Israel—we were founded to honor the God of the Bible and His Laws.

I guess I missed that Article in the Constitution, but I'll admit I started skimming about halfway through, and then just skipped to the end to see who did it.  However, assuming, arguendo, that we were founded to be the "second Israel," this raises the question of whether we're a good sequel, like Captain America: The Winter Soldier, or a bad sequel, like Highlander II: The Quickening.  Or perhaps Israel is just a really crappy prequel, like Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

 In 1607 the very first act of the first English speaking settlers was to plant a huge Cross on Cape Henry at Virginia Beach dedicating America and the new continent to Christ. 

Their second act was to promptly begin starving to death.

This act was followed by the Pilgrims arrival in 1620 who made a covenant (Mayflower Compact) with God between themselves and their new land. Our Constitution is based on that covenant.

That explains why the Preamble to the Constitution spends so much ink kissing the king's ass. Anyway, I'm sure the Iroquois are relieved to be off the hook for an alleged compendium of civil rights that can't even manage to prohibit torture. At least not according to Justice Scalia.

The discoverer of this new land by Europeans was Christopher (means “Christ-bearer”) Columbus. One of the main purposes of his adventure was to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to the heathens.

He did this primarily through slavery, disease, and murder, since televangelism hadn't been invented yet.

On 9/11 God sent a harbinger (sign of warning) to Israel in the form of attacks by Assyria when they began turning their backs on God and seeking other supernatural sources (Isaiah 8-9). 

Sadly, ancient Israel missed this sign of warning through a clerical error; since the Gregorian calendar hadn't been invented yet, they actually got the September 11 harbinger on 16 Elul. Also, let's face it, Isaiah is a pretty action-packed book, and they could easily have been distracted by all the satyrs and dragons in chapter 13 (h/t to Yastreblyansky)

In England the Muslims are buying up all the abandoned Christian churches and making them their mosques. By doing so, Muslims hope to establish in the minds of others the superiority of Islam.

Their actions makes a mockery of the Christian faith, whose strength is symbolized by its many abandoned churches!

In non-Muslim countries where they build mosques, the minarets are taller than the church steeples.

But "minaret" doesn't rhyme with "people," so muslims can't do that finger-wiggling thing to amuse bored kids on the way to Easter mass.

In the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., which took 83 years to build, the unthinkable has occurred in only 24 years after the cathedral’s completion. On November 14, 2014—two months after the anniversary of 9/11—on the Muslim Sabbath—the first of many planned Islamic worship services began on the eve of our nation’s day of Thanksgiving to the biblical God and the ushering in of the Christmas season. 

If you look to this paragraph to provide what most do -- thoughts, meaning, and impressions conveyed through the medium of the English language -- you're likely to be disappointed. But if you add up all those superfluous figures and dates you'll have enough numbers to play Lotto Pick Six.

America has murdered millions of its own sons and daughters in the womb—America has prevented prayers in school (except for Muslim prayers that are required by Shari Law)—America has sanctified homosexual marriage between men with men and women with women—and America has removed Crosses from our public view and nativity displays at Christmas from the public square in complete defiance of the First Amendment which clearly states: Congress shall make no law…prohibiting the free exercise of religion; or abridging the freedom of speech….

Ah, so "Dr." Sloane believes it's against the First Amendment to not have a creche on the courthouse steps.  KWillow was right.

The history of our National Cathedral began when the corner stone was laid under the supervision of President Teddy Roosevelt in 1907 and completed under President George W. Bush in 1990. 

Okay, it may have taken 83 years to build, which seems dilatory, but I think some credit should go to George W. Bush for bringing his Presidency in ten years ahead of schedule.

Now the powers that be in Washington—in compliance with the presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church—committed the final ABOMINATION to the God of the Bible by having a Muslim offer up Islamic prayers—in that Christian Sanctuary—to the Moon God Allah, resulting in an unforgivable DESECRATION of that Christian altar. This action brings further shame to America in the face of God’s harbinger that warns of America of its impending doom if Americans don’t repent!

Anyway, Bingo at 7:30 PM on Wednesday. Bring a dish to pass.

Happy Birthday, AnnPW! I Got You New Satan-in-a-Bucket®!

Before we begin, the Management has asked me to make a couple of announcements:

1.) I apologize for being so late with this post, but my stomach has been practicing its Queasy Scales all day, ranging from the seasickness scene in Chaplin's The Immigrant, to the full Mr. Creosote.

2.) If you haven't had the chance yet, I strongly recommend scrolling down or clicking here to read this walkthrough of Frogs by Hank Parmer (Codename: Grouchmarxist). I have a feeling that from now on, in rooms where women come and go, talking of Michaelangelo and this seminal 1972 eco-horror snoozefest starring Sam Elliott and his Three Expressions (or as I like to think of them, "Facial Power Chords"), the conversation will inevitably turn to Hank's definitive essay.

In breaking news, it's the birthday of self-confessed occasional Crapper AnnPW, perhaps best known around these parts as the muse responsible for World O' Crap's tradition of posting Sexy Birthday Lizard pics. So basically, she's like Olivia Newton John's character Terpsichore in Xanadu, except you don't want to smack her in the face with a sweatsock filled with meal worms, aquarium gravel, and the fossilized ruins of Gene Kelly's dignity, and then maybe rollerskate all over her body until it's reduced to a skidmark on the floor of your flashy Disco/Roller Rink.

Anyway, I thought about doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on Ann's behalf, but then I read World Net Daily and found out that it's a tool of the Devil:

We see it in movies, in Super Bowl performances, in the Grammys: In every song or dance, symbolism is the end game. With that in mind, I investigated the phenomenon behind the ALS IBC, and I discovered the IBC to be darker rather than enlightening and quite cultic instead of a lighthearted attempt to understand a debilitating disease.
[...]

I also thought about why people would pour water over their heads...I couldn’t put my finger on why this didn’t feel right to me – then I saw this video on Facebook.

In the video, Evangelist Anita Fuentes breaks down an assortment of cryptic and cultic messages hidden in the IBC. It’s worth watching to decide for yourself if evil influences and symbolism are embedded within the IBC

The video is over 43 minutes long, and I have to confess that I didn't watch very much of it. Fortunately, Ms. Fuentes begins to paint the screen with crazy almost instantly -- and while I commend her for not burying the lede, it's a bit jarring, like a porn film starting with the Money Shot.

She begins by decoding the IBC: "So when we think about water being poured out on our head, we're, again, we're talking about a baptism. So the question I pose to you my friends, is: is America being purified, is America being cleansed, in a ritual washing? And if they are...Why?  (Dramatic pause) What is America being prepared for?'

I don't know...maybe America's got a date and wants to get a little spruced up?  I really need more information before I can answer this question fully. Is it just ice water we're pouring on our heads and the heads of others, or are we also splashing on a little Bay Rum and Vitalis?

Evangelist Fuentes takes a moment to gather her thoughts, draws a deep breath, and delivers the bad news in a strong, but sorrowful voice: "The Ice Bucket Challenge seems to simulate an Illuminati, Satanic ritual."

I had no idea so many NFL players were Satanists, but I can't say it really comes as a huge surprise. I kinda suspected all that "taking a knee" on the field and thanking God in the locker room was just an effort to throw us off the track.

I always thought the color scheme for these dark, Aleister Crowley-like Sex Magick rituals would involve more black and crimson, and less neon orange.

Evangelist Fuentes pauses again to laugh bitterly at how obvious this all is, because the Ice Bucket Challenge is structured like a "pyramid scheme" and as we all know, "the pyramid is symbolic of the Luciferian agenda. The Illuminati. The New World Order. (The New World Order is prophesied in the Book of Daniel and the Book of Revelation.)" And just in case you're a little fuzzy on your Book of Daniel and/or Revelation, Evangelist Fuentes is gonna break it down for y'all:  "The New World Order consists of three--three systems. One World Government. One World Religion. And the One World Monetary System."

So if you've ever wondered, as I often have, whether the paranoid soliloquies with which Alex Jones spittle-flecks his microphone would sound more convincing issuing from the lips of a nice-looking Latina, here's a good chance to test your hypothesis.

Evangelist Fuentes then takes an moment to prove that old Chinese maxim that "A weird picture is worth a thousand crazy words" by showing us this:

"As you can see there are two pictures that I have side by side. One is Jesus being baptized by John the Baptist. And another is a man that has been recently -- baptized, I will say -- in what's called the Ice...Bucket...Challenge. They look similar, do they not?  (Pauses, disappointed that we're not calling out the answer from the studio audience. Primly:) Yes they do."

I guess the point is that Jim, who works in the Decorative Lighting Department at Home Depot, had a nice thought -- raise money and awareness for ALS -- but once he got Bob the Baptist involved, it was like an engraved invitation to Mephistopheles, and the next thing you know, Jim wound up crucified in the Vanity Fixtures and Sconces aisle.

But this is America, and we really don't care if regular people come to a horrible end because they showered with Satan, we're only concerned with celebrities. Well, Evangelist Fuentes has you covered. She draws a crappy diagram showing how Bill Gates built "a fort" to "make his challenge more cooler," then explains that "It looks to appear as symbolic as the-the-the Temple of Solomon," and slam-dunks her accusation with these damning photos:

Q.E.D., motherfuckers!

"Farfetched, you may ask? No."

Well, that answers my one question. And since we're still less than eight minutes into this video, I'm going to hit Pause and check back in with WND columnist Selena Owens, who I just now remembered brought this shit up in the first place:

Fuentes’ video depicts the world-renowned cultic queen of talk, Oprah Winfrey, taking the IBC. Winfrey precedes her dousing with the words, “In the name of ALS and the Ice Bucket Challenge. …”[emphasis mine] Interesting choice of words. 

Winfrey’s proclamation hit a nerve with me because Christians, myself included, routinely pray and make decrees “in the name of Jesus.”

Have you ever considered that maybe Jesus doesn't want you speaking for him, let alone making decrees in his name, which I imagine could lead to all sorts of official entanglements, and might even legally obligate him to smite someone, or at least co-sign your loan.

We specify whom we worship when we invoke prayer in Jesus’ name. However, because Oprah mistakenly believes the One True God is jealous of her, and the well-known fact that she denounces Jesus as the only way to God and basically considers herself to be a god, I found this statement to be very cultic in nature.

But if Oprah considers herself to be a god, then why didn't she invoke her own name, instead of drenching herself in the name of Lou Gehrig's Disease, which I think we all agree is a disease not a god, not even one of those local animistic gods with an extremely narrow portfolio limited largely to promoting cattle fertility and atrophying Major League baseball players.

Satanic ritual? Yes. Rituals abound in “Christian” America.

 "Farfetched, you may ask? No."

Whenever spectators watch singers like Beyonce, JayZ, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and especially Nicki Minaj, they are indoctrinated and involved with blatantly satanic rituals that stem from the deep abyss of the occult. 

This is why, in an effort to save my immortal soul, I always go make a sandwich during halftime.

Anyway, this goes on for awhile, but to sum up:

The ALS IBC is ritualistic in nature. People are chosen to undergo a form of water baptism with cultic god Oprah leading the charge “in the name of ALS.” The Bible is clear: “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). Oprah is a god to millions of Americans, and those who follow her doctrine and antics have tossed Jesus off the throne of their hearts – perhaps not intentionally … or perhaps so. Yet by following her seemingly innocent IBC decree, knowingly or not, they have cast Jesus off symbolically.

So there you go: charity hurts Jesus' feelings.

Please join me in wishing Ann a very happy birthday, and of course...

Extra sexy Sexy Birthday Lizards!