Saturday, August 20, 2011

World O' Crap...This is YOUR LIFE!

[Programming Note:  The New Black Panther Party would like to remind you that voting is still open in the 2011 Miss Wingnut Pageant -- click here to cast your ballot.  The Winner and Runners-Up will be announced Monday.]   We now join our blog, already in progress...

Yes, it's World O' Crap's 8th Blogiversary today, and what better time for a cheap clip show walk down Memory Lane, to savor those halcyon days.  Say Reader, do you remember this voice...?

Why You Should Read My Blog: It Will Serve You Coffee

There are millions of other blogs out there, clamoring for your attention.  Why read mine? Here's why: because my blog is going to be about things we can all relate to.  You know, cheesy movies, annoying politicians, weird advertising, Ann Coulter.  And MORE!.  Yes, all the mediocre, uninspired, muddle-headed, and just plain wrong stuff from this millennium and the previous one will be our playing field. 
Why yes, it's our own beloved s.z., writing her first post on the old Salon blog, way back in 2003.   And as any Crapper knows, she was as good as her word, for WO'C has indeed brought more mediocre, muddle-headed, and just plain wrong people to your attention in a mere eight years than you could otherwise hope to avoid in a lifetime.

Just two days after the publication of her founding manifesto, s.z. took on the Judge Roy Moore-Big Rock Candy Commandments Controversy, which was just then coming to a head.  For those who may not recall the details, Moore was the newly elected Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, who felt the wooden Ten Commandments plaque that hung in the Courthouse wasn't ostentatious enough.  So he commissioned a 2½-ton granite monument carved with a graven image of the Decalogue, and had it delivered to the Rotunda after business hours.  Chief Justice Moore seems to have anticipated that his actions might be regarded as irregular, if not downright illegal by the Federal judiciary, since, according to Wikipedia:
The installation was filmed, and videotapes of the event were sold by Coral Ridge Ministries, an evangelical media outlet in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which later used proceeds from the film's sales to pay Moore's ensuing legal expenses. Coral Ridge was the operation of the late Reverend D. James Kennedy, a staunch Moore supporter.
Moore also had a Copyright notice chiseled into the monument, presumably so he could help fund his extra-Constitutional activities by selling paperweight reproductions in the Supreme Court Gift Shop.
The next morning, Moore held a press conference in the central rotunda to officially unveil the monument [and] declared, "Today a cry has gone out across our land for the acknowledgment of that God upon whom this nation and our laws were founded....May this day mark the restoration of the moral foundation of law to our people and the return to the knowledge of God in our land."
 While most bloggers discussed the First Amendment implications of Moore's actions, s.z. decided to go directly to the top:

God Comments On Alabama Ten Commandments Rock

It seems that this guy Rob Moore is just not going to get his rock out of the rotunda -- at least, not until the media stops covering this story.

And while there have been a lot of people interviewed about the situation (Rob, his supporters, the Alabama State Attorney General, the ACLU, Jerry Falwell, etc.), it seems that nobody has talked to perhaps the key player in all of this: God.

So, I got in touch with God's press secretary and managed to set up a short lunch meeting. Here's a transcript of our conversation:


Me: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me.

God: No problem. I meet so few reporters these days that I felt it was my duty.

Me: Hey, was that a slam?!? But let's move on. As you know . . .

God: Yes. I'm omniscient.

Me: . . .Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has said "he would be guilty of treason" if he didn't fight to keep a monument of the Ten Commandments in the rotunda of the state judicial building. Do you agree?

God: Yes. But since Ann Coulter branded everybody she doesn't like (Democrats, liberals, women, airport baggage screeners, all the kids who made fun of her girlish crush on Joe McCarthy, etc.) as traitors, treason is now cool and hip.

Me: Moore has also said that he needs to keep the monument in the rotunda "to fulfill the campaign promise that he made to the citizens of Alabama to restore the moral foundation of law." What do you think he means by this?

God: That he wants to do Law & Order, Old Testement-style. You know, stoning homosexuals. Stoning adulteresses. Stoning kids who sass their parents. Stuff like that.

Me: And do you agree with him on this?

God: Hell, no! I sent you people my son and licensed representative to give you Commandments Version 2.0, which has a root code of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I don't see anybody putting a two-ton granite block of THAT in any state buildings!

Me: So, what do you think of Reverend Falwell's comparison of Moore "with slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., who defied segregation laws in the white-dominated U.S. South in the 1950s and 1960s"?

God: Well, I hardly need Moore or Falwell to fight for MY desegregation. I AM omnipresent, you know.

Me: I think Falwell meant that it's okay to break "man's law when needed to preserve God's law."

God: I knew that. (Might I remind you of that omniscience thing?) I just thought it was a stupid analogy. And by the way, my law was never "Put a big granite monument of the Ten Commandments in a public place." My law was "Obey the damn commandments, and even more than that, love your enemies. Oh, and don't make a public spectacle of yourself by trumpeting your good deeds in the street or praying to be seen of men. And no worshipping of graven images!" But I guess it's my fault that I didn't package this stuff as "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Commandments."

Me: And what do you think of Alan Keyes urging of Moore's supporters to "take back America from the unruly courts"?

God: I think that Keyes and Moore should first work on taking back daytime television from those unruly court TV shows! They are annoying, irresponsible, and demeaning to all involved. Plus, they take up valuable air time that could be used for reruns of "Highway to Heaven" and "Touched by an Angel." And "Perry Mason"--I've always liked that one. Oh, and speaking of sedition, don't you think that what Keyes is advocating comes close?

Me: Um, I really couldn't comment--except that if being a traitor is now cool, I don't think Keyes is one. One last question: what do you think of Moore's vow to file a formal appeal with the high court “to defend our constitutional right to acknowledge God"?

God: Being omniscient and all, I'm pretty sure that the constitution doesn't say that one has the right to acknowledge ANYTHING by sneaking 5,300-pound slabs of granite into public buildings in the dead of night. Unless perhaps Moore is speaking of the "Pranksters, Hazers, and Practical Jokesters Constitution."

As for acknowledging ME, I would prefer it if people would, you know, visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction, and keep themselves unspotted from the world. Sure, it's easier to lug around big rocks, but it's not really the way I want to be worshipped. The big chunk o' granite thing just makes me look stupid in front of my friends.

Me: I'll pass that along. Well, thanks for your time. And best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

God. Same to you. See you at the second coming. Um, wear something nonflammable!

There you have it. I hope this ends this little contretemps, and we don't have to read anymore about it ever again. Because it only encourages Moore and rewards him for acting out, and we don't want that. Or the next time he's up for reelection he'll lug the Dome of the Rock into the court house parking lot and refuse to move it, even though it's in a handicapped space, as a way of showing his constituents that he's a moron.
And then a week or so later, s.z. very kindly tossed me the keys and let me take her blog for a spin:
Roy Moore Draws Support of Rock-Worshipping Cults
By World O'Crap Special Correspondent Scott C.

The recent debate over Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s monument to the Ten Commandments has exposed and to some degree exacerbated the tensions that exist between mainstream and fundamentalist Christianity. At the same time, however, the 5,300 pound cause celebre has also served to unite several previously hostile religious movements.

"Initially, church elders declined to take a position on this controversy," said Ronald Zietlow, Chief Mameluke of the Igneous Brotherhood. "We mistakenly believed that Chief Justice Moore and his followers worshipped an omniscient, omnipresent, but non-corporeal diety, and that the granite monument was merely symbolic.

"Naturally, that sort of abstract cosmotheism doesn’t interest us, since we worship the sturdy and tangible Three Stones of Fintoozler. But once we heard the protesters screaming, 'Get your hands off our god, god-haters!' (Protesters React Angrily to Monument Removal ) we realized that the granite carving was in fact their diety. Naturally, we felt obliged to offer our support in the spirit of stone-worshipping ecumenism. Plus, we admired their forethought in placing a copyright notice on their god. Many’s the time I wish that the High Prophet had taken a moment to visit the Trademark Office, since we’re losing quite a bit of potential merchandising revenue at the Three Stones. Particularly sales of T-shirts and those foam drink sleeves."

This sentiment was echoed by Timothy DeLongpre, a deacon at Our Lady of Feldspar in Sterling, Virginia. "As a minority faith which reveres consecrated sandstone, we are firm believers in defending the right to practice one’s religion, free of interference by Federal bureaucrats. We are also staunch supporters of anything which strengthens the ecumenical bonds of friendship and respect among the world’s leading rock-worshipping cults, because, frankly, some of them practice human sacrifice and they scare the crap out of me." DeLongpre added that many in his congregation have admired the way Chief Justice Moore championed his faith by hiring workmen to sneak his god onto public property in the middle of the night, and the way he boldly secured a copyright on his own Maker. "In our own parish, the poor often go hungry because our product line has been diluted by the unlicensed theme mugs of third party heretics."

Father Rodolfo, pastor of the First Church of Mexican Wrestlers Who Worship Rock Men From the Moon has closely followed the contretemps in Alabama, and believes that whether Moore’s effort succeeds or fails, he will long be honored as a peacemaker.
"Ours is a very inclusive church," said the priest as he took a break from calling Bingo on a recent Wednesday night. "And we are saddened by all this factionalism: Shale versus gypsum, sedimentary versus metamorphic. These doctrinal squabbles threaten to overwhelm our faith and blind us to the one thing we should never loose sight of: that despite our different beliefs and customs, we are all children of a big rock."

Rawiri Gaia, priestess of Rapa Nui agrees. "I believe that Moore’s crusade can already be counted a success, for it has helped to heal the theological divisions within my own faith." She gestured eloquently toward a towering head carved from the native rock.

"For countless generations we have venerated these enormous graven images of Richard Kiel. Or possibly Ted Cassidy. That’s another doctrinal sore point. But the fact is, in recent years we’ve seen a graying of our congregations. We needed to modernize our services, do something to appeal to the younger set, so we began outfitting our monoliths with gigantic Devo hats from the ‘Whip It!’ video.

"Some of our more traditional members threatened a schism, but fortunately Judge Moore’s timely stand on behalf of boulder fetishists everywhere reminded us that when it comes to eternal salvation, it doesn’t really matter what accessories your god is wearing. Only that he was carved with loving care, and legally trademarked."

Not all devotees of stone deities welcome the attention brought by the Ten Commandments imbroglio. Dave Bradley of Appleton, Wisconsin, who worships marble ("I like a smooth god," he says) claims that all the publicity has brought "kooks and whackos" flooding to his faith.
 "None Dare Call It Necrophilia"

Still, whether Moore’s Take Your God to Work Day program is successful may prove less important in the end than the comfort and inspiration it has provided to hundreds of pagan Alabamians. "It’s like the Stonewall Riot," said protester Cyrus Fletcher of Mobile. "Except with a big rock. And fewer drag queens."
So there you have it.  On November 13, 2003, less than three months after World O' Crap published a series of whimsical japes on the Ten Commandments Controversy, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary voted unanimously to defrock Chief Justice Moore.  The connection is inescapable.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with us all these years, and for making World O' Crap your first choice for blogs with the word Crap in their name.  We love you guys.


Brian Schlosser said...

Wikipedia helpfully reminds us that on this day in 1308, Pope Clement V pardoned Jacques de Molay, the last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, which absolved him of charges of heresy. Interestingly enough, in 1920, on this day the NFL was founded. Finally, one can not help but notice that on 8/20/1988 Peru ratified the Berne Convention on international copyright.

Now, I am not saying these irrefutable facts are connected in any way to the founding, in 2003, of Wo'C, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

Congrats on 8th Birthday!!! (And only 1 week exactly before mine... *cough*) If we could post photos, I'd share this picture of Ann Coulter recreating that scene from Basic Instinct I've been keeping for a special occasion!

Scott said...

Thanks, Brian!

[Note to Self: Do NOT enable images in Comments.]

Stacia said...

Happy anniversary!

M. Bouffant said...

Don't knock the rock!

D. Sidhe said...

Take Your God To Work Day! Man, I'd forgotten that one. And Pranksters, Hazers, and Jokesters Constitution, that's practically prescient.

For the record, S.Z., if anyone ever had it in them to make me want to be a Christian again, it would be you with your charm and your wit and your set-a-beautiful-example life. Fuck these idiots with their big rocks, and their cross necklaces they wear with their cocktail dresses at ten in the morning, and their self-righteous I-Speak-For-God bullshit about why God doesn't love people he allegedly made.

Eight years, man. Seems like longer, which I totally mean in a good way. Happy Anniversary, this is what, the diatomaceous earths anniversary?

D. Sidhe said...

My very tiny kingdom for an edit button. "He allegedly made", it belatedly occurs to me, is not what I meant to say. I meant to say "they (the assholes) say he made". Because you know what? I don't know who made humans, though my money's on, you know, random genetics, but I admit I don't know. But if you're saying your god made all people, then it's pretty stupid to claim he's pissed at them for being the way he made them.

Whatever. It's four AM, I got a migraine. It seemed important to clarify, but that's because I'm nuts, I would guess.

heydave said...

Oh, hell yes! And by that I mean I am so grateful that I can now come out of the closet.

And by that I mean I am feeling so very buzzy (see: Mary Worth and Me blog) to let you all know that my personal deity is Papa Moai, and now I know I am not alone!

And mostest of all, I want to wish S.Z. and Scott and all the Wo'Crappers a happy anniversary. I proudly drink coffee from a Wo'C mug at home and at work, doing my own part to proselytize for the blog at least as much as for Papa Moai. You guys follow me through various computers, browsers and operating systems!

Lucy The Wonder Dog said...

Happy anniversary, kids!

Now where are the cats?

D. Sidhe said...

Lucy, I'm spending the day in the archives here and at the old site. Lots of cats. I highly recommend it.

It's always amazing how well the old stuff holds up. Look! Here Michael Savage is being an asshole! Those were the days!

Chris Vosburg said...

Happy Anniversary, World o' Crap (because your blog is the crap, haw haw U dum libtards), and thanks for all the coffee. Whew, I'm totally flavor-peaking.

Been a lot of crap under the bridge, God knows, and I can only hope that there's more where that came from.

Chris Vosburg said...

D Sidhe writes: But if you're saying your god made all people, then it's pretty stupid to claim he's pissed at them for being the way he made them.

I've always been puzzled by the fact that Him What Done It All is such a hothead. One little thing, and he gets all smitey. I mean really, Dude, take a pill or something.

Anonymous said...

I'm no good at the snark or funnies, I fear.Too isolated, too old, I dunno, but it ain't me.So, seriously, thanks Scott and Mary and s.z.This is my fave intertubal hangout.I mean, Mary gave me my own Nathan F pix for my birthday. I mean, Scott wrote BLTBM. I mean, s.z. saves cats. Where else would I want to be?
And the commentariat are not only smart and funny but also kind which is unusual.They don't ignore me, an attitude which comes from the top. And that's youse guys.You're the top.(Hums)

Li'l Innocent said...

Suezboo, you're at least as funny as me, and probably funnier; I can certainly recall some appreciative snickers erupting from my nose at your comments, and I hardly ever laugh at what I have written! And you're just right about the commentariat here, too.

I wasn't here in '03. Somehow I thought you guys had been around longer, going back further into the Bushistocene, when Shrubbery first walked the earth. But whatever! I see from the above japes that you had it ON from the very first. So glad to have found you! And happy anniversary to us all.

ckc (not kc) said...

"Take Your God to Work Day" is all well and good, but all he does is wander around impregnating virgins - how 'bout using some of your damned omnipotence, not to mention omniscience, to help me deal with some of this crap!

preznit said...

wow, 8 years already? next thing you know you'll be driving and drinking and acting all repuglicanny ;}
regardless, happy blogoversary can we have some Family Circle recaps for old time sake?

Scott said...

It certainly feels like we've been doing this longer -- probably because the origins of our act go back to 1996, when s.z. and I would hang out on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 board on AOL and try to amuse each other with summaries of bad movies. The first one she did (which created the template for BLTBM) was Jerry Warren's epic stinker, Frankenstein Island (1981); mine was the Jeff Morrow/Mara Corday embarrassment, The Giant Claw.

maryclev said...

OH! The Giant Claw! Good times. Remember when a bunch of us got together and riffed on "Megaforce" while getting wasted on the Sangria I made?

"Grinder" said...

A heartfelt Thank You for the eight years. I love World O' Crap.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

As usual, I am late to the party and bereft of an anniversary gift, but happy and congratulatory feelings are surging your way (much like the unbearable heat from the Caribbean is overtaking me...).

Dunno what I'da done, back in the early days (my early days in the blogosphere, woefully late-comer to the World O'Crap), if I'd never found my online "other living room." I was a little disconcerted by the early movie reviews, as I'd never seen any of those fabulously trashy/tacky/stoopid flicks, and am still sadly behind on most of modern film and culture.

But, like kelp, barnacles and bacteria, Scott grew on me, and then I got to meet Mary, and thus the Wo'C family was complete. Well, that, and really bad jokes about the dumpster out behind Chuck E. Cheese. I'm so glad that Skippy decided to censor me, of I might never have found this place, which is light-years ahead of every other librul blog, at least in bitchily-biting humor, bizarre references, and gut-laugh quotient.

AND there's the no-small-fact item about S.Z. inspiring me to become the unofficial "crazy cat lady" (and no, Le Petit Fromage, you will never be forgotten forgiven for the ACTION FIGURE!!!) of 2.5 parishes, having such LOVERLY adventures with 6-pound demon-spawn who always wanted to remove my extremities with extreme prejudice. Yeah, I miss it, though my spine certainly doesn't, but without a scion of animal-activist damned-near-martyrdom (I can only imagine how many different species of rescued critters are currently inhabiting her secret CIA-designed bunker today...) like Sheri, I might never have gotten off of my ass to help the local clan of ferals @ L'Hotel des Fouquetards and thus get sucked-into the whole Cat Haven thing. To this day, Sheri remains my heroine and one of my favorite-ever writers. Scott, sorta the little-brother-I-never-wanted, and Mary, the saint who puts up with him, truly are part of my home-made "family" of online nutjobs who are kind enough to include ME in their world, and for that, I will always be eternally grateful.

Cheesy, I know, but I get sentimental about some shit, so fucking sue me. You 3 (and of course, your feline overlords --- does that make Riley the leader of The New Panther Party?) have changed my life for the better, and that kind of a gift is never forgotten. Plus, y'all, Mentis, RenB, Mags/Sitara, and other commenters here are amongst the very few beings on earth who can make me laugh when I wanna vacate the planet. So while I've missed a helluva lot of the wunnerfulness that is Wo'C, I feel damned privileged to have been here for the parts that I have been lucky enough to witness. Shutting up now.

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Sorry I'm late, but I didn't know this old thing was still around.

Mary, Scott, field reporter Bill S., and the inimitable sz, unrequited love of my life, except for that weekend in Chicago, thanks for all the laughs, especially the ones when I didn't feel like laughin'. And for drawin' such a great lineup of commenters.

Chris Vosburg said...

Scott writes of a seminal snark: mine was the Jeff Morrow/Mara Corday embarrassment, The Giant Claw.

Poor Jeff-- for those who haven't seen this one, The Giant Claw was all about a buzzard from another dimension, or something, and none of the actors actually saw the supposedly monstrous creature they fought against while shooting the flick.

In Morrow's case, he famously attended a premiere with friends and was so embarrassed when the hastily-assembled and goofy-looking marionette first appeared onscreen-- to peals of laughter from the audience-- that he went out and sat in the parking lot until the show was over.

Needless to say, it's one of my favorite bad movies. Bring on zee apple jack, Pierre!

Brian Schlosser said...

Jeff Morrow? You don't mean Exeter, do you?!?

Did you notice the peculiar indentation in his forehead?

Scott said...

Say, Brian, these drawings are fine. When we get back, I'll have them framed at my own expense.

Carl said...

So THAT'S why we started nearly the same time, and I'm just some backwater blog and you're the international powerhouse you are! You took out a judge! All I've ever done is making an assistant professor at a community college wet his pants.

Oh. And Arnold Alkon cry.

AnnPW said...

Aw - 8 years! Amazing, and what a ride it has been! Thanks to Scott, sz, Mary and all the fabulous commenters here at WOC. Here's to the next 8!