Friday, August 12, 2011

Dr. Mike: French-Kissin' Cousin

Just to to keep things fresh, I've decided to take a slightly different approach to this most recent piece of Townfoolery by Dr. Professor Mike Adams, and play a little game.  As you can tell from the first line below, Dr. Mike wrote this week's column in the epistolary style, an 18th Century literary technique which neatly compliments his 14th Century views, and which the Unpromoted Professor has used to great success in the past, assuming his goal was to demonstrate he's an asshole the size of the Barringer Crater.

Now, as aficionados of Dr. Mike know, his "open letter" columns follow a fairly consistent formula.  First, he'll hork up some well-worn, wingnutty gripe about an issue which doesn't affect him personally, often triggered when a woman, ethnic minority, gay person or other second class citizen threatens to upgrade and sit in First Class (but the joke's on them, because the only available seat is next to Dr. Mike!).  Then he'll suddenly veer into M. Night Shyamalan territory with a mind-boggling twist that proves he's such a huge asshole that his rectum actually has room for a Balrog and several Dwarven kingdoms.  So the game is, let's try to guess the reveal.  Good luck.
Cuomo Phobia
Dear Governor Cuomo: I am writing to express my deep disappointment with your recent decision to push for an expansion of the definition of marriage – one that allows for marriage between a man and a man or between a woman and a woman. Most of your recent critics are writing because they think your crusade on this issue has gone too far. I’m writing because I don’t think it goes far enough. In fact, I think your approach to this issue reflects a fundamental narrow-mindedness that is almost as distasteful as your Pharisaic moral posturing and your constant media grandstanding.
Okay, so gay marriage.  Without reading the next paragraph, I'm going to guess that Dr. Mike is about to up the ante by demanding the right to conjugal bestiality or incest.  He might play the polygamy card too, but that opens him up to a Biblical counter-strike, so I doubt it.  Let's read on...
Before I continue, let me introduce myself. I was born in Mississippi in the 1960s.
Hey, so was the hobby of lynching civil rights workers -- it is indeed a Small World After All.  Disneyland should add a tiny, white-hooded figure clutching a noose to the ride, just to balance out all those brown dolls.
I am a former atheist and Democrat and who voted for Michael Dukakis and Bill Clinton.
I see we've already reached that point in the column where Dr. Mike stuffs a cow pie in his mouth and sucks on it like a Certs to give his every utterance that meadow-fresh aroma of bullshit.
 I also have a younger sister named Jennifer who is single and bisexual.
This is the first time I can recall Dr. Mike mentioning a bisexual sister, and I'm pretty sure if it were true he would have exploited her long before now, so it looks like he's gone past the breath mint stage and is now just sitting on the couch, binge-eating from a bag of Bandini.
In other words, I have had some exposure to other ideas, cultures, and lifestyles. I’m no bigot. In fact, I was the first kid on my block to own a Flip Wilson record. That should count for something.
Yes, it's another count in your indictment for Assault With Intent to Commit Humor.
But let me get back to my original purpose for writing. In your recent campaign to allow same-sex marriage in New York you presented yourself as one who supports “marriage equality.” But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, you favor a narrow definition of marriage that is based on your own irrational fears and prejudices. And it is time to show real moral leadership by embracing moral relativism fully, not half-heartedly as you have done so far.
Here's the windup...and the pitch...!
Governor Cuomo, I want to get married. 
Congratulations, Dr. Mike.  I presume the bride-to-be is inflatable, since the only items in your Registry are a bicycle pump and a vinyl patch kit.
And I want to move my new wife to New York City so we can pursue our respective careers in education and art (she is a painter). But, unless your state becomes more welcoming and affirming, we won’t be able to do that because the woman I want to marry is my younger sister Jennifer.
Say, you are from Mississippi!
It may shock you to hear from someone who openly advocates incest. But that is the way people used to react to homosexuality.
By hitting the Delete key and adjusting their spam filter to include the words "Mike S. Adams"?

Actually, we get what you're doing here Dr. Mike -- attempting to make people who support marriage equality feel as squicky as you do when the subject of homosexuality comes up.  And given that incest is pretty much a universal taboo it would probably work, if only we were able to believe that there's a woman -- even a product of generations of in-breeding like your imaginary sister -- who would sleep with you.  Alas, even the cheap, disposable Occam's Razor you grab from the impulse rack in the grocery store check-out line doesn't buy it.
In the case of homosexuality, the remedy for such a puritanical reaction has not been silence. It has been openness. Just as we talked about homosexuality constantly – beginning in the early 90s – 
So that's when your mommy told you about the gays -- the 1990s?  You never heard a peep  -- not even a snicker -- about homosexuality in the polymorphously perverse Seventies?  That's pretty sad; you must have missed a good two-thirds of the jokes on Three's Company.
we must now do the same with incest. There simply is no other way to make our lifestyle seem normal.
Sure, but this raises the question: is there any way to make Dr. Mike seem normal?  I guess you could try to set an appropriate mood, perhaps watch Faces of Death while blasting Metal Machine Music and Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue; inject a speedball of roofing tar and PCP directly into your pericardium, then use the contaminated needle to tattoo "Love" and "Hate" on your knuckles with the blood of a kitten.  And then try getting all the way through the next paragraph without thinking, "What an asshole."
Under my plan tolerance of incest must begin in the public schools. We must then extend our efforts to the national media. In fact, I envision a day when every Hollywood sitcom will have at least one incestuous couple. But, at some point, we must take the fight into the political arena.
Nope, didn't work.
When people attack you for your recent success in legalizing same sex marriage they are likely to use scare tactics. They are likely to say that you have opened the door for incestuous and polygamous marriages. I want you to resist the temptation to dismiss their remarks as homophobic. To do so would actually reinforce phobias against incest and polygamy. So, instead, please show some courage and admit that the same logic that allows for same sex marriage also allows for incestuous and polygamous marriage.
I suspect that as a child Dr. Mike had difficulty with those restaurant placemats, the kind with connect-the-dots pictures, mazes, and those puzzles where you'd be presented with three images, two of a similar nature, and have to select the one that didn't belong.  For instance, two married couples -- one hetero, one gay -- seem more alike than the ultra-orthodox Mormon and his harem of sister wives.  Or, for that matter, the consanguineous Bud and Princess.
Some have asked me whether I am concerned at all about the implications of marrying Jennifer. Specifically, they worry that once married to me she will try to bring a third party – one of her girlfriends – into the marriage. But I am okay with a three party marriage. I’m committed to marriage equality even if it means sharing a lover with my younger sister.
Dr. Mike began this column as a devastating satirical attack on liberal hypocrisy, but his mind wandered, and at some point it became a letter to Penthouse Forum.
In conclusion, Governor Cuomo, I think you have been acting like a real hypocrite. You speak of equality but, in your heart, you consider some animals to be more equal than others. And that is offensive to those of us who crave public affirmation compelled by the force of law.

Note to Readers: The author of this satire doesn’t have a sister. Nor does he own pets. But he does own a copy of A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.
Below is a photo of Dr. Mike plowing through his copy of A Modest Proposal:
Fig. 1:  "I don't get it...Where are the recipes?"

As D.Sidhe once remarked on another Dr. Mike column (I'm paraphrasing):  A Modest Proposal only works because we don't actually believe that deep down Jonathan Swift has a yen for human veal.

But Dr. Mike has thrown down the gauntlet, and declared that those of us who support marriage equality are morally obliged to make a logical case for incest.  But you know what -- we've already done that, in the pages of Better Living Through Bad Movies.  Specifically, the piece on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

Let's set the scene:  Victor Frankenstein (Kenneth Branagh) first meets his wife Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter) in pervy flashback.  "Dad brings in an orphan girl whom Ken is to think of as his sister, meaning that he'll be sleeping with her in a couple of minutes."  Later:
They begin to undress, and Helena murmurs “Brother and sister no more.” He replies, “Now husband and wife.” Well, actually they are both, as required by Mississippi state law.
There's a lot of stuff in the movie about hubris, and the tragedy of Man playing God, but mostly it offers some very helpful dating tips:
First, Mary Shelley teaches us that if you are looking for a date, instead of hanging out at the single’s bar or under the corner lamp post, you might want to look for eligible partners a little closer to home, like among your coworkers or classmates. Or better yet, actually at home, amongst members of your immediate family!

Dating family members can make life a lot easier by eliminating the need to learn new phone numbers, addresses, or names. And they’re so conveniently located! Plus, there’s none of the awkwardness that comes with trying to make small talk with strangers. You and your family already have a whole life-time of experiences to discuss, so instead of prattling inanely about the weather, you and Mom can relive that time when she made you try the broccoli salad at Olive Garden and you threw up, or the day that she got high on cold pills and put the cat in the dish washer. Now doesn’t that sound like a welcome change from the stiffness and strain of the typical first date? And since you regularly read Sissy’s diary, you can be pretty confident that she’s telling you the truth when it comes time for that chat about sexual histories.
So there you go, Dr. Mike.  If your mom and dad aren't too frail to adopt, you might still have time to get a date for New Years Eve.

Programming Note:  I'll be tabulating and posting the winners of the various NRO Pageant categories this weekend (so there's still time to vote) but I haven't decided yet out how we'll winnow them down in the final round to select Miss Wingnut 2011 (perhaps an essay contest?).  If you have any ideas, please post 'em in comments.


maryclev said...

Dr. Mike. YOU are such a racist, bigoted, ASSHOLE...

I was the first kid on my block to own a Flip Wilson record. That should count for something.

Color me chagrined, sir. I RETRACT my previous statement!

Penh said...

I can't stop wondering about that cable running out his nose. Does his brain produce bullshit faster than his mouth can spew it out, so he needs a drain? Is he so obnoxious than even his tapeworms can't stand to be around him? Is that book actually an instruction manual on sinus flossing? And who's the mysterious man lounging in the background? So many questions!

M. Bouffant said...

I think the guy in the background is a cardboard stand-up, or perhaps even a strawman.

scripto said...

Ann Coulter thinks he's witty. That's good enough for me.

R. Porrofatto said...

The letter would have been more believable if he'd declared his intention to marry his adorable Ruger Mini-14 assault rifle with the tight barrel and humongous clips, and waxed on about how she gives muzzle-loading a whole new meaning.

Speaking of "christians" railing about moral relativism, isn't Adams divorced? In my copy of the New Testament that Christ feller doesn't exactly approve the practice.

David Ezer said...

Notice, of course, he mentions nothing about whether "Jennifer" is interested in marrying HIM.

I mean, when you can't even get consent from your imaginary sister, you're really a loser.

D. Sidhe said...

Your paraphrase makes me sound a lot more clever than I am, so thank you for that.

As to Dr Mike, if his sister actually wants to marry him, I'm willing to at the very least sign a petition demanding someone allow it. It's not going to be at the top of my marriage equality efforts, but what the fuck. Consent is my bright line, and depending on their ages there's at least a chance that there's no terrible power imbalance that would lead to coerced consent. Sister and brother, depending on ages, is more likely to produce true consent than, say, father and daughter, or employer and employee, or religious leader and congregant, or professor and student.

While I *do* think genetic testing might be a good idea if they intend to have kids, I think it's a good idea for every couple intending to have kids. There are couples out there that phenotypically should have nothing in common but share a family history of, say, schizophrenia. So, not a draw-a-line-in-the-sand qualifier for me, especially in a case like this, where Dr Mike is clearly legion-of-bats-in-a-very-small-belfry crazy enough on his own that *anyone* else's genetic contribution can't possibly be a bad thing.

Now, I expect Dr Mike to get his ass out there and fight hard for the right of gays to marry. Oh, wait, he was just being an asshole and hoping no one would call him on it? Say it isn't so, Dr Mike!

D. Sidhe said...

Also, okay. I can't let the bisexual means you will fuck EVERYONE thing pass. My mom used to do this, before applying the You Are What You Eat argument to decide I'm not actually bi. "Well, I just don't think bisexuality is healthy because sleeping with everyone is a good way to get diseases."

Who the fuck said I wanted to sleep with EVERYONE? My mother assures me that she doesn't want to sleep with every man, despite being hetero, much less does she sleep with every man she comes across. Apparently bisexual people can't stop themselves from fucking everyone whose gender they are attracted to, regardless of whether they are attracted to that gender's specific person.

Now, I realize I'm not the person to be making this point, which is why I hesitate. But my partner and I are both bisexual and both non-monogamous, and so an open relationship makes sense, but that's still a long way from fucking anybody of any gender. What it has translated into is long term thirds, mostly, and not many of those.

The funny thing I have discovered about being bisexual and non-monogamous is, they're not linked traits. There are lots of monogamous bisexuals out there, and there are lots of non-monogamous straights and gays out there, and mixing and matching can be enough of a disaster that my partner and I are very lucky to be both since we wanted to be together. I suspect we wouldn't have twenty years together if we weren't.

So there's no reason to assume that anyone's bisexual imaginary sister is also non-monogamous, except that Dr Mike thinks it makes it funnier. Because, frankly, he really doesn't know jack shit about people. Go figure...

StickIt said...

Dr. Mike began this column as a devastating satirical attack on liberal hypocrisy, but his mind wandered, and at some point it became a letter to Penthouse Forum.


He does raise an interesting question though; should gays be legally barred from marrying a close relative? Presumably the reasoning for those restrictions is to prevent problems in the offspring, and since gays aren't going to get pregnant without a whole lot of extra effort, that whole problem flies out the window. Hmmm.

The funny thing I have discovered about being bisexual and non-monogamous is, they're not linked traits. There are lots of monogamous bisexuals out there, and there are lots of non-monogamous straights and gays

A monogamous bisexual (aka a lesbian) says, "Hear, hear!"

Kathy said...

Dr. Mike wouldn't object to his Sis bringing a totally hot babe (not baby) into their marriage, but what if she wanted to bring a hot guy...?

Anonymous said...

Why are incest and polygamy illegal? As long as they're all happy, who cares?

Scott said...

but what if she wanted to bring a hot guy...?

Well, Imaginary Sister knows Dr. Mike better than any of his other girlfriends, since she lives inside his head, so if she thinks he needs a stern Daddy to take him in hand, she's probably right. Especially since Dr. Mike already seems to think, talk, and write more about gay sex than anybody this side of Dan Savage.

D. Sidhe said...

The Penthouse line was good, but it was the caption that made me spit-take.

And, having gone away and thought about it, I am now absolutely in support of Dr Mike's right to marry an imaginary friend, if only because hopefully it takes him out of the gene pool, and beggars can't be choosers and all that. At first I was all, Well what if she doesn't really consent, all we have is his word for it because she's imaginary. But then I thought, You know, this is a guy who--and I know I have made this point before but what the hell--undoubtedly has the decapitated heads of RealDolls buried in his backyard, and while neither can consent and therefore I would normally object to them being married (though if he wants to fuck either, I have no qualms since neither can suffer, either, it'd be different if he wanted to fuck a wombat or something), I think letting him marry and practice headship on his imaginary friend is at least more environmentally friendly, so I think she's going to have to take one for the team.

Anonymous said...

heheheh Totally... 'Hey Everybody I'm so NOT gay; we hates 'em, right?! Now check out my cool gun...'

trashfire said...

Falwell sued Flynt for libel and emotional distress, for saying Falwell had lost his virginity to his grandmother in an outhouse. Adams picks up that label of shame off the ground, dusts it off, and wears it as a badge of honor.

I don't know about half-sibs marrying, but I sure don't like irony divorced from wit.

Anonymous said...

The Ruger mini-14 assault rifle knows it can do better, and is merely toying with his affections. If Mike signed up for a compatibility dating service, he'd discover that the best match for his personality and intellect was a bag of hammers, preferably ball peens. Any worries that such a union might constitute polygamy could be easily assuaged by the knowledge that he'd actually be marrying the bag, and the actual number of partners contained within was on a need to know basis between he and his physician.


heydave said...

In fact, I may have already married an imaginary person. Who can tell? all we know for sure is that she isn't inclined to help out much with the housework.

Chris Vosburg said...

Mike Adams writes: I’m no bigot. In fact, I was the first kid on my block to own a Flip Wilson record.

Wow! Betcha he's even been to a basketball game.

Seriously, I'm reminded that Heinlein wrote often of incest and various forms of free expression of love and sex in his novels, almost as often as Dr Mike writes of homosexuality, though with a different take.

He was almost obsessive about it, and it was more to sort of stick a pin in the various cultural taboos than anything else-- he wanted folks to question the thinking that put them into place.

So with the advent of time travel and other sci-fi gimmickry, Lazarus Long falls in love with and bonks his mother, twins marry, a man fathers himself and his sister, and an artificial intelligence named Minerva falls in love with Howard Family Head Honcho Ira Weatheral, her human boss. Alas, I don't think they ever, uh, hooked it up, but, then again, I stopped reading Heinlein back in the seventies, so probably they did eventually. Everybody screws everybody else at some point in the Heinleinian universe!

So Dr Mike's covering some pretty well-worn ground here. But Heinlein's deal was pretty much that anything that doesn't scare the horses is okay.

Chris Vosburg said...

Speaking of cultural taboos, I invite you all to celebrate with me a holiday that some find a bit sinister-- even gauche.

International Left Handers Day.

From the linked article:

In India, for example, the left hand is taboo for eating, and some in some Muslim countries the hand used to deal with anything dirty.

[sigh] Fine, be that way.

Scott said...

even gauche.

I see what you did there...

Lancelot Link said...

I bet he's lying about the Flip Wilson record, too; Dr Mike seems like more like a Johnny Rebel fan.

Anonymous said...

I can understand why Dr Mike would want to marry his sister. She's great in bed. Ask anyone.

Li'l Innocent said...

Boy, Dr. Mike really inspires you-all. For my 2 cents, Penh gets the gold star, if only because I was so blinded by Dr. M's wardrobe-plus-pissy expression, spiced by Scott's great caption, that I didn't notice the cable coming out of, or going into, his nose, OR the mystery man in the background.

The latter may be Dr. Mike's miniature twin, Dr. Mite, during his afternoon break from living in his larger brother's chest cavity. It is interesting that he seems to have similar taste in casual-professional wear. Doubtless Dr. Mike's longing for sibling marriage would have never have developed to this degree if only his internal partner had been a girl. Of if both he and little Mite were gay, of course. Poor guy. Reduced to writing pretend-ironic letters to Andrew Cuomo.

Glennis said...

As to Dr Mike, if his sister actually wants to marry him, I'm willing to at the very least sign a petition demanding someone allow it. It's not going to be at the top of my marriage equality efforts, but what the fuck.

I've only been married once and in one state, and over 25 years ago, so my memory's a little lax, but I don't remember as how I had to show any kind of proof that my intended wasn't in fact my sibling. I don't think we presented our birth certificates, although I could be wrong.

So it kind makes me think that there is no actual working prohibition against incestuous marriage?

But if there is, I'm pretty sure that it would also apply for gay marriage. Now, if Dr. Mike wanted to marry his BROTHER that would be another story.

Brian Schlosser said...

Since this piece is satire, lets run part of if through the Satirical-Reverse-O-Matic®, and see what comes out...

*chug chug chug clink clink grind grind grind BING!*

Ah ha! "I have had no exposure to any other ideas, cultures, or lifestyles, but I still have negative opinions about them. I’m a bigot, but I don't want to be called out on it. In fact, I was the first kid on my block to call a kid who owned a Flip Wilson record a 'n****r lover.'"

Hey! It worked!

heydave said...

WRT left handers day, I would like to offer the middle finger of my left hand in greeting to all the fucking republicans who have soiled my little college town in Ioway.

I was so torn about the whole Straw Poll thing: does one vote for the least offensive retarded circus clown or the most amusing retarded circus clown?

And I dare you to listen to Michelle of the Belles today and NOT feel that she's talking to you as if you were the retarded circus clown.

unclemike said...

Here's the thing: if there are any actual, real brother/sister couples out there, and if they really actually wanted to get married...I would have no problem with that. It might give me the creeps, but whatevs. Not my family, not my issue.

But there aren't any, or else we'd have heard of them. Just like there aren't scores of guys clamoring to marry their turtle or their gun.

But there are scores of tax-paying American citizens who want to marry and are not legally allowed. And that's not only wrong, it's just un-American.

So, yes, in conclusion: Dr. Mike is a major asshole.

Chris Vosburg said...

Scott writes: I see what you did there...

[laughing] Was hoping to set off a flurry of puns about my maladroit commentary, lack of dexterity, etc.

Chris Vosburg said...

Last add long-dead left hand OT thread:

Doubt this guy's a left hander per se, but that is one awesome fucking left hand he's got there. Isn't science wonderful?

bill said...

"I was the first kid on my block to own a Flip Wilson record."

He just said he owned it. Didn't say that he liked it or even listened to it. For all we know, he threw it on the nearest bonfire of Beatles records when John said they were more popular than Jesus. (Yeah, I know: four years too late. But you get my point.)