Wednesday, August 10, 2011

2011 Miss Wingnut Pageant: Round Three

Welcome back to the 1st Annual NRO Beauty Pageant, in which Glamour Shots of pathological, if unpersuasive, liars go head-to-head for the honor of being crowned Miss Wingnut 2011!

As you'll recall, these headshots were posted by National Review Online in an effort to actually entice people on board their plague ship fundraising cruise.  But as Jerome Kern night say, these celebrity sociopaths aren't just lovely to look at; they're delightful to know:
Moderated panel sessions featuring our esteemed guest speakers, along with plenty of passenger Q&A.
Imagine the chance to ask Rich "Starbursts" Lowry plenty of probing questions, like, "As a nationally syndicated columnist, do you judge a political candidate primarily on messaging skills, policy positions, or how quickly you can masturbate to completion during a debate?"
Plenty of chances to meet, schmooze and enjoy personal interaction with our special guest speakers.
EARL:  ...and sign it "Shit Flower."
ROVE:  Turdblossom.
EARL:  Whatever.

Now, on to Round Three!

Category #1:  Miss "Last Known Photograph"
Jim Geraghty
Jay Nordlinger
Roman Genn
Talent:  Vanishing without a trace; scratching the word "Croatoan" in the Break Room lunch table.

Question From the Judges:  Where Do You Want to Be in Five Years? Discovered in the trunk of an abandoned 1997 Chevrolet Monte Carlo.

Category #2:  Miss Unindicted Co-Conspirator
John Yoo
Elliot Abrams

Turn-Ons:  BDSM roleplay scenarios in which I'm a suave Gestapo officer and Article II of the Constitution is a willowy young French girl suspected of working with the Resistance; and she's a defiant lass!  Oh yes!  And oh so very beautiful in her first...

Turn-Offs:  Special Prosecutors; balky shredding machines.
Category #3:  Miss Ventriloquist Dummy From Magic
Ralph Reed
Andrew McCarthy
Bob Costa

Talent:  Turning my head 360 degrees; sleeping in a suitcase.

Question From the Judges:  Where Do You Want to Be in Five Years?  Creeping you the fuck out.

Please vote for your favorite contestant in each category (click here for Round One, and here for Round Two).  The winners will advance to the Sudden Death round, which will decide who will wear the Teabagger Tiara!


Stacia said...

Oh my, Miss "Last Known Photograph" is a doozy, but is there anyone amongst us strong enough to not vote for Roman Genn? I think not. Roman looks like he OWNS the Monte Carlo his own body will eventually be found in.

I'm going with Elliott for #2. And that's the first #2, not the second #2 which is a typo that I'm giving you shit for. Why? 'Cause I can.

Miss Ventriloquist Dummy From Magic is the lovely Miss Ralph Reed, although the others are fine contenders.

Scott said...

Thanks for the correction, Stacia. My only defense is that they're all Number Two (if I may wax scatological); thus your gift of shit is entirely apt.

R. Porrofatto said...

The NRO scrolling zipper of head shots is a regular choads gallery. It's hypnotic -- the more you watch them go by the more you find yourself hoping that libertarians in the Netherlands have managed to scuttle any serious lifeboat reqs.
Glad to see the roster is pretty much in the usual neo-con proportions: 31 men, 6 women, 1 Absolutely Non-Token black speaker, only 1 person this trip whose first name ends in "esh," and Roman Genn*.

I vote for Roman Genn Category #1. Elliot Abrams' eyebrows for #2. #3 Ralph Reed because how many 50-year old sleazeballs can look like his 6th grade graduation pictur?

Now I have to go back and vote in the other rounds because I care.

* I happen to like Genn's Mad Magazine-ish caricatures -- the wingers are lucky he's on their side. But this is some photo of him.

heydave said...

I'm confused. Someone would actually choose to be confined on a ship with this lot?
That's just fucking scary.

Anonymous said...

Roman for sure.
Then I think John Yoo, though Eliot looks good too.
Finally Ralph Reed. Man those are some dead, dead eyes. I mean how does he do that? Dolls and great whites have more life-like eyes.

Nigel Tufnel said...

That's not Roman Genn. That's funnyman Bobby Bitman (real name: Herschel Slansky) about to appear on the Sammy Maudlin Show.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to be picky but how does Elliot Abrams qualify as "Miss Unindicted Co-Conspirator" ---> he was indicted, convicted and pardoned ! Or is he "re-virginified" with each new Republican administration ?

Roman Genn -- you can hate the man but not the hair !

FrJohn said...

Bob Costa is a wingnut cruiseboy now? Damn! I used to really like his World Series and NBA play-by-plays.
My picks: Definitely Genn, whose oddly asymmetrical eyes go well with his Jacqueline Susann hairdo, Abrams' combover, and the wax dummy of Ralph Reed.

Anonymous said...

Miss Unindicted Co-Conspirator is a toss up. On the one hand there's the youngish Bush toady sociopath and on the other the war criminal with a long storied career of sociopathy. Whenever I hear Abrams name, it brings to mind Randy Credico's bit recreating the fishing scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, replacing the mental patients with Reagan's cabinet. Introducing them to the men on the pier, Nicholson says "We're from the state mental institution. This is Dr. Carlucci, Dr. Meese, Dr. Abrams, the famous Dr. Abrams."


acrannymint said...

Genn, Yoo and Reed

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's a shitload of White male smugness.

scripto said...

The reflection of all that white flesh on Half Moon Cay will no doubt cool the earth a couple of degrees. With that list of speakers I predict half the paying customers will be going over the side about 3 days out. That is, if they have room for any paying customers.

#1 Genn - I don't know what's on his head but I like it.

#2 Yoo - inscrutably delicious

#3 - Reed - the flesh may fade but the smile will live forever

Brian Schlosser said...

Genn, Yoo and Reed...

Which is also the worst CSN&Y cover band in history.

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

1) Geraghty and Nordlinger are too worthy of nomination to lose simply on hairdo. One vote for each. And is that Genn's Assistant Maître-D photo? Somebody posed him in front of the men's room dividing wall?

2) I'm with anonymous on the Unindicted. Yoo, for blasé Evil. Abrams gets the Jean Hersholt.

3) I think Andy McCarthy would make the most interesting Evil Ventriloquist's Dummy. Rex I Mean Ralph Reed would just turn out to have a scat fetish. And I think Costa needs one more life cycle as a toad before he's really ready.

Lancelot Link said...

I certainly hope they don't allow any big-government nanny-state inspection of the ship's provisions. Real men laugh at e-coli!

M. Bouffant said...

The funniest thing is that these are not exclusively NR cruises. There are plenty of normal (If cruising w/ other aging & monied wretches is normal.) people along.

Wonder if anyone ever asks for a refund. "I didn't pay good money to be trapped on a ship in the middle of the Caribbean w/ a collection of racist Catholic loons!!"

R.Porro.: I am so old I remember Genn's stuff in the L. A. Times, usually in the Book Review. (The "Book Review." That really dates me.) None of it political, that I recall.

P.S.: From The NRO scrolling zipper of head shots is a regular choads gallery. It's hypnotic. Click & check Sally Pipes, for the hair alone.

Tina said...

Category 1: I'm going to go with Geraghty on the grounds that the photo looks like it was taken in his parents' basement and has that blurry "we only have this picture from 10 years ago" quality I've come to expect in milk carton photos.

For #2: Elliot Abrams. Definitely.

Category 3: Ralph Reed looks like he's still waiting to be turned into a real boy, so I gotta go with him.

D. Sidhe said...

I gotta go Genn, Yoo, and Reed. I agree McCarthy has the wooden dummy thing going on, but when I look at Reed I always hear Jonathan Coulton's Creepy Doll.

Is there any way we can get all of the contestants in every category to demonstrate the sleeping-in-a-suitcase thing? And then, sorta, lose the keys? I really feel it would help my decisions, here.

Kordo said...

Gods, what a quandry...

1. I'm with Riley on this one. Genn's hair is epic, but I have to give the nod to the Nord'. Length of service ought to have some rewards (other than getting to sniff K-Lo's office chair, I mean). Perhaps next year we can have a Hair category?

2. Yoo, by a mile.

3. McCarthy, by two miles; though Reed deserves a special mention for screwing the Native Americans. Too many young people today lack an appreciation of the Classics.

Glennis said...

Good God, Ralph Reed looks like he has a very special portrait stored up in the attic.

melior said...

Genn, though I suspect his true calling to excellence would be in Most Extraordinary Nose-Hair Moustache if he put in the extensive prep time required

Yoo, in hopes that the award will give him the self-confidence to use Maglalang's In Defense of Internment as a lecture topic one day in his college teaching

Reed, for extraordinary lifetime achievements in ratfucking and smarm