Thursday, August 4, 2011

Idiocy: The Antidote to Satire

You may have seen this Onion story:  Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition.  Well, today Joseph Farah, the editor in chief of World Net Daily and the man who inherited Harry Reems' upper lip, decided to prove that WND is immune to mockery:
Happy birthday?

How much don't we know about Barack Obama as he nears the end of his third year of White House occupation?

Well, he claims today is his 50th birthday.

Yet, incredibly, it is still only an unsubstantiated claim – and, perhaps, more suspect than ever. 
I hadn't really expected Farah to put on Marilyn's dress from The Seven Year Itch and breathily croon "Happy Birthday, Mr. President," but this seems a bit overboard.  Still, Joe is a dynamo when there are sheep to be fleeced, and pigeons to be plucked:
Since I carried the ball on this issue when no one wanted to talk about it, I am actually stepping up my own activism on the eligibility issue through 2012.
Sadly, WND special offers like this are no longer the reliable rube bait they once were:

I blame the recession, or perhaps a drop in home-schooling.

Thus, even in a world of Earl Grey-guzzling neo-bats, a man's gotta have a gimmick, and just because the Pure Food and Drug Act has outlawed your Professor Farah's Rejuvenating Essence of Rattlesnake Vitals doesn't mean you can't add a drop of castor oil and a pinch of opium and re-patent your nostrum as Dr. Farah's Invigorating Tincture of Viper Sputum.
Because of the overwhelming evidence put forward now from document experts who have examined this official White House deception, it's all a matter of public record. Obama's birth certificate fraud is indefensible. In desperation, like others in his position in the past, he has decided to cover up the original crime with an even more serious crime.
A birthday party.
How long will it take to see him frog-marched down Pennsylvania Avenue?
One hopes Obama will keep his charade going just long enough for Joseph to bulk-buy another year's supply of Luscious Lip Shoe and Philtrum Polish®.
We're not nearly as far away as you might think. While the media and the failed Washington political establishment would like it to just go away, that will never happen.

Not as long as I am around to sit on Obama's birthday cake.
If I'd known you were coming I'd have baked a hemorrhoid cushion.
Certifigate will be his undoing – as long as you won't let it go.
The first step will be getting people to stop snickering when they hear the word "Certifigate."  Or we could skip the whole thing and just send Joseph a copy of Mean Girls.

Gretchen: That is so fetch!
Regina: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!
Would you like to see those billboards all over America in 2012? Do you think it will make a difference in undermining his illegitimate authority and his prospects for extending it?
Absolutely!  Although this time I'd like the billboards augmented with a bigger-than-life cartoon of Joseph flogging the exhumed corpse of Secretariat.
If so, I hope you will join me in making an Obama birthday pledge to support the "Where's the real birth certificate?" billboard campaign.¹
¹ Link removed to avoid becoming an Accessory After the Factlessness.


Stacia said...

Not as long as I am around to sit on Obama's birthday cake.

I always wondered what happened to the guy who used to spam Usenet with his cake farting fetish porn. Now I know.

gocart mozart said...

I found this nugget over there. Should we be worried about the bug people?

Rebuscado said...

I really think is possible that Obama is faking his birth certificate. Even he can be faking his own birth! Maybe the guy was never born and he's just another of Joseph's imaginary "friends"!

Thorlac said...

Sounds like Joe'stache is all up in Oily Taint's bidness. You're welcome for the brain-candy.

Anonymous said...

“Not as long as I am around to sit on Obama's birthday cake.” [He’s channeling Sparky Lyle ?]

David in NYC said...

@Anonymous --

Damn, you beat me to it! I was gonna use that.

Oh, and Scott -- Marilyn's dress was not from "Seven-Year Itch", it was made specially for that occasion. It was so tight she was literally sewn into it, and wore nothing underneath.

The "Seven-Year Itch" dress is most famous for the subway grate scene in the movie (which Joe DiMaggio tried to stop her from shooting).

Scott said...

David: Crap, you nailed me. Okay, I admit it, I went for the familiar, iconic, if unrelated image rather than show even a minimal respect for the facts, because I figured even though Joseph isn't going to get any of my money, that doesn't mean I can't offer him a little tribute.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Totally useless trivia: it wasn't the "Seven-Year Itch" subway-vent-blown white dress, it was a wholly-designed-anew concoction of truly nude-colored silk chiffon, possibly an Oleg Cassini, but I'm probably brain-farting on the designer --- anyway, it was a nude-colored sheath made SO fucking tightly-fitted that Marilyn had to be SEWN INTO IT mere minutes before she took the stage. How she got out of it is lost, apparently, to history, but I'd wager that there's a reason why Jackie didn't attend the birfday party...

Though I'd TRULY wager, dollar to a doughnut, that J.Edgar lost his fucking mind (nope, not a far trip) with JEALOUSY over that hand-sewn-with-REAL-Rhinestones, head-to-toe gossamer gown. According to people who were at the event, once those hard-as-hell Madison Square lighting cans boomed down upon Marilyn's dress, ALL THAT ANYBODY COULD SEE WERE THE RHINESTONES and possibly her nipples, depending upon where you were seated... No idea if she was buck-nekkid shaved for the event or severely peroxided, but really, who'd care?

Amongst the many wiki pages devoted to MM/Norma Jean, there's AN ENTIRE PAGE DEVOTED TO THAT DRESS, a stub off of the entire "Happy Birthday, Mister President" article,; and included is an abbreviated clip of Marilyn's voice, singing to a rapt/near-silent crowd. Bless her heart, she sounds like about three miles of bad road... but then, the Kennedy boys never DID treat that girl right... *sigh*

I know, I know, totally fucking off-topic, but when The Moustachioed Peckerhead is blathering, I'd whooooole lot rather think about Marilyn in that dress than ANY of the not-even-VAGUELY-disguised racism/xenophobia/closet-case-obsession wif the big skeery "colored" fella in the White House.

Oh, and Farah? Yeah, his IS bigger than yours, to the point of needing EXPONENTS to define the difference, and even though he just turned 50, Our Prez prolly ain't nowhere NEAR needing the little blue pills that are, hopefully, bringing OCULAR blindness to match your "intellectual" handicaps. Hell, he could smoke a carton a DAY and still be in better shape than you, you waste-of-oxygen-Pillbury-Dough-Turd.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

DAMMIT! I was supposed to publish the above comment approximately 18 hours ago, but then I hadda deal with the fucking state inspection shit, and I had stayed up all the night before to try and clean this dump as best I could, and forgot all about hitting "publish" on my comment before I went into a 15-hour coma. So David beat me to it, but I was gonna say it first... *sigh* Technicalities.

Mentis Fugit said...

Stacia: I always wondered what happened to the guy who used to spam Usenet with his cake farting fetish porn. Now I know.

I always thought that guy was just trolling alt.folklore.urban (badly, and unsuccessfully.) You mean there were other groups receiving attention?

Chris Vosburg said...

Feh! I fart on your birthday cake, stupide son of a pastry lo-ver! [brrrap]