My Heart Belongs to Daddy (Because He's an Organ-Collecting Psychopath)

By Bill S.

It's Father's Day, and, as we do every year, we celebrate by remembering the movie and TV dads who make us grateful for the ones we had. This year, we'll spotlight three memorably awful TV dads (if your own dad was worse, you have our sympathies.)

Billy (Denis Leary) on "Animal Kingdom"

It might not come as a surprise that none of the Cody brothers has the same biological dad. Apparently when Smurf was on the road, she hooked up with a different guy and added a new kid to her brood. (Instead of forming a pop band, like Shirley Partridge, she opted to make petty crime the family business. Probably because the wardrobe was cooler.) It's hard to decide which of Smurf's exes was the biggest waste of space, but I'd pick Billy, the father of youngest son Deran (the "nice" one). After abandoning him for years, Billy drops back into Deran's life, reeking of cheap liquor, skunk weed, and poor judgement (all of which were probably factors in the kid's conception). He nonetheless earns Deran's trust, and repays that trust by sticking around long enough to help the Codys pull off one job, then heading to Deran's bar to help out with some cleaning -- namely, the safe, which he empties, and takes off all over again.

August Cartwright (John Emmett Tracy)/Dr. Ethan Campbell (Sebastian Roche) on "Batwoman"

After witnessing a car plunge into a lake, he dives into the water to rescue 13 year old Beth Kane. He brings her to his home...and holds her prisoner, to be a playmate/pet for his facially deformed son Johnny, who's also basically a prisoner, isolated from the outside world. He turns those children into monsters. As a bonus, he also recovers the body of Beth's mother, and keeps the dead woman's severed head in a freezer, with plans to transplant her face onto his own mother. He later surgically alters his own face to assume the identity of a respected doctor.

This guy would scare the crap out of Norman Bates.

Dr. Martin Whitley (Michael Sheen) on "Prodigal Son"

A prominent surgeon, responsible for saving countless lives. Also, a serial killer responsible for at least 23 murders. When his son discovers one of the bodies, and with it, the truth about his father, he's emotionally scarred for life. 

Michael Sheen deserves an Emmy for turning "My boy!" into the creepiest phrase in the English language. In the Season one finale, we learn Whitley has also done severe damage to his seemingly normal daughter, leading him to proudly beam, "My girl!"

This guy would scare the crap out of August Cartwright.

I'll close with a message to all you Dads out there: Parenting is tough, and you may, at times, wonder if you've made the best choices for your kids. Take heart -- if you're not a murderous sociopath, chained to the wall of a prison cell, wondering when your kids will visit, then you're probably doing an okay job.

Happy Father's Day!

Papa Don't Preach

By Bill S.

It's once again Father's Day, that time when fondly remember our dad, if we're lucky enough to have fond memories of our dad. We can take comfort in knowing they're nothing like these guys--

WORST TV DADS

Modesto Cunanan (Jon Jon Briones) on "American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace" Who could possibly be more creepy and gross than spree killer Andrew Cunanan? Only his father, who, according to this series, played a big role in molding Andrew into the monster he became.

Kevin MacArthur (Stephen Rannazzisi) and Andre Nowzick (Paul Scheer) on "The League".

The MacArthurs are both terrible parents-for instance, they send their kids to Sunday as "free day care". Jenny made last month's list of terrible TV moms, and Kevin makes our list of terrible dads for, among other things, inviting the kid who's been taunting his daughter with bullying insults over the house. Not to resolve the bullying problem, but to learn some choice insults he can use on his friends.

As for Andre, sometimes, a picture's worth a thousand words...

He doesn't become a father until the final season, when he begins dating Pete's ex-wife. They have a baby, Andre Jr. (or, as Andre insists on calling him,"The Deuce"). It becomes obvious to everyone (except Andre), that Pete is actually the biological father, and when (in a "flash-forward" sequence) Junior learns the truth on his 18th birthday, he reacts the way any kid would to the news that Andre's not his dad: overjoyed, he flees the house immediately.

WORST MOVIE DADS

J. Paul Getty (Christopher Plummer) in All the Money In the World (2017). 

When his grandson is kidnapped, Getty is reluctant to pay the ransom, because, he says, he doesn't want to set a precedent that could lead to more kidnappings. Which might be true, but it seems a more likely reason is that he's a miserly, penny-pinching bastard. When his daughter-in-law, desperate to raise the money, tries to sell a gift he'd given her (which he told her was a valuable antique) she discovers it's virtually worthless. 

Dean Armitage (Bradley Whitford) in Get Out (2017) 

His wife Missy made last month's list of terrible moms, and Dean makes this month's list of bad fathers. If his efforts to welcome his daughter's black boyfriend into the home seems forced and insincere, it's probably because mad scientists aren't known for their social skills.

Max (Edward Herrmann) in The Lost Boys (1987) 

Father to a brood of rowdy (if hunky) teen vampires, Max courts single mom Lucy Emerson, hoping to merge the families to create, in the words of Edgar Frog, "The Blood Sucking Brady Bunch'. Which, now that I think about it, would actually have been awesome.

Finally, to sing us out, here's Malcolm Gets, as Gordo in "A New Brain", recalling a tale of his terrible dad:

Happy Father's Day Everyone!

(For more examples of terrible movie and TV fathers, check out my previous columns! 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011)

O'Really, O'Reilly?

On this day of mingled mourning and celebration, depending on whether you have a penis or not, and if you do, whether you keep it in your underpants or your nightstand, I think it's important that we remember the good things Bill O'Reilly did during his tenure at Fox News. And by "good", I mean "not legally actionable" or "liable to result in plaintiff receiving a record-setting multi-million dollar award for compensatory and punitive damages".

In other words, let's spare a moment to remember that Bill didn't sexually harass every women he ever met or worked with. To wit: this interview from September, 2003 with Condoleezza Rice, who was at that time National Security Advisor to President George W. Bush, but would one day grow up to be Secretary of State, and a footwear fancier whose shoe lust would earn her the nicknames "Jimmy Choo-Choo Charley" and (in Doghouse Riley's famous formulation) "the Fabulous Condimelda".

So let's wave farewell to Bill's long and extinguished career by revisiting this piece written by Sheri in the glistening, dew-flecked dawn of World O' Crap:

[Originally posted September 25, 2003]

I DO Believe in WMDs, I Do, I Do, I DO!

National Security Advisor Condoleezza was on Bill O'Reilly's show tonight, advising him on the steps the nation is taking to keep him safe from vicious NY Times terrorists.

No, actually, the White House remembered that Bill had said, "If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clear he had nothing [WMDs-wise], I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again." And just like Santa Claus going to Macy's to restore little Natalie Wood's faith in miracles, or Clarance coming down from heaven to renew Jimmy Stewart's faith in the FDIC, they sent Condi to restore Bill's faith in the Bush administration.

While I didn't see the show (my house is a "Yes-Spin Zone"), I did read the Fox News online transcripts (Condi Saves Christmas). Sadly, it appears that the transcriber for the show has been arrested for espionage and the janitor is filling in, since we got a lot of this kind of thing:

O'REILLY: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) in the USA (UNINTELLIGIBLE) send a couple of divisions up there, in conjunction with American Special Forces, and (UNINTELLIGIBLE)? 

RICE: We have very good cooperation with the Pakistanis. That's why we are being so optimistic (ph)...
(CROSSTALK)

O'REILLY: I don't mean to sound (UNINTELLIGIBLE). 

RICE: Probably not the right word (UNINTELLIGIBLE). 

Um, I theorize that O'Reilly and Condi were cussing up a storm, and in deference to her position, Fox is pretending they couldn't make out that part of the conversation. But why the need to indicate that the optimimism is just phonetic?

Anyway, despite all the garbles, the transcript does give us the White House Yes-Spin on lots of stuff. For example, that while we haven't actually found any WMDs in Iraq, Bill does not have to apologize to the nation and can continue to trust the Bush administration because:

RICE: We went to war -- the president has led (ph) the people to war because this is a dangerous tyrant who had used weapons of mass destruction before. 

So, Saddam USED to have weapons that posed a threat to us, so we sent our troops in now, to prevent him from destroying our past. Something like that.

But unstoppable truth-teller O'Reilly was unsatisfied:

O'REILLY: All right. But on March 30, 2003, Donald Rumsfeld, secretary of defense, said this, he said, "We know where the WMDs are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad." That turned out to be a mistake. 

RICE: Well, they're still searching. The areas around Tikrit and Baghdad happens to be one of the most difficult areas, of course. It's in the Sunni triangle 

So, the WMDs are really there, but in the Sunni Triangle, which, like the Bermuda Triangle, sometimes lets things slip into another dimension. But we'll find them, all right! We have Leonard Nimoy on the case!

Okay, the subject of WMDs dealt with, and Saddam and Osama located (Saddam has slipped through the Sunni Triangle, and Osama is in "Afghanistan, Pakistan, someplace in that area"), we can move on to more important topics, like invading France.

O'REILLY: Why don't you send a couple of American divisions over to get Jacques Chirac? Can we do that? And... 

RICE: We're always going to have our differences with the French. [snip] 

O'REILLY: Jacques Chirac and France have hurt this country and put our servicemen in jeopardy. Am I wrong? 

RICE: Well, I think that the French position is not one that we would have taken. We think that... 

O'REILLY: But they put our service people in jeopardy. 

RICE: And we think, Bill -- and I think this is what Americans are reacting to -- after all that was done to liberate France in World War II -- that we could have expected better cooperation. But that's behind us now. 

O'REILLY: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) American servicemen. 

RICE: No, I don't... 

Since Condi undoubtedly had Secret Service protection during this visit to the Fox News Planet, Bill couldn't cut off her oxygen for refusing to agree with him that France endangered our servicemen by sneering at them. But I bet he called her a bitch behind her back.

So, let's move on to the next threat to our National Security: Kennedys!

O'REILLY: All right. How about a couple of divisions to get Ted Kennedy up in Hyannis (ph)? Can we do that? American divisions? [snip] Look, I'm not a partisan guy. I mean I'd vote (ph) for anybody. But I think Kennedy is saying that President Bush -- and you work with him very closely -- contrived the war in Texas for political gain. 

And anybody saying something like that is putting our service men in danger, and that's treason! Am I wrong? AM I WRONG? But Condi just called it "a very unfortunate comment," and took Ted to task for bad manners in war time.

RICE: I would just ask everybody to be civil. Everybody should be pulling together now to deal with the situation that we have in Iraq. This is a historic and important moment for American security, and certainly we can get past our differences and support the policy. 

See, this is the President's Big Day, and so we should just support his policy, even if we think that it's killing American servicemen for no good reason. But after this is all over and the policy either suceeded or failed miserably, THAT will be the time to talk about it.

 O'REILLY: All right. You know there are some people actually rooting against the Bush administration for political purposes. They want to see chaos in Iraq. They want you to fail so that the president won't be reelected and somebody else will. What do you think? Is that un-American to carry that point of view? 

RICE: Bill, I think we can have debates about anything. About policy, about how we've handled it, how it's going to turn out. I think that's perfectly American, and it's a good thing to do. Let's just keep it civil and let's keep it at the level of debate... 

O'REILLY: All right. (UNINTELLIGIBLE), right? Maybe I would. No, I wouldn't. 

I think Bill's garbled last remark was:

"All right. Be civil to people who have opposing viewpoints and not accuse them of treason. Novel idea. Hmm, that's something I could start doing right here, to make the world a better place! Maybe I would. No, I wouldn't".

Then our dynamic duo talks about Iran for a while, and Bill is bitterly disappointed to hear that the administration is going to use cooperation, diplomacy, and the UN to deal with them, instead of A-bombs.

O'REILLY: But don't you understand -- I mean, I'm sure you do, and I know you have to be diplomatic -- there's not this sense of urgency on the part of many countries in the world to help the United States. We're at risk here. We're target number one. In Belgium, they don't care. 

They just don't care, the bastards! Our President is calling on them to send us troops and money, and then they get all pissy when we tell them if they don't do things our way, we're taking their ball and going home. Here we are, fighting a war that they didn't agree to, but will they bail us out? NOOO! And now we're in remote personal danger in our own country, just like people who aren't priviledged to be Americans, and they couldn't give a damn! I say we nuke the Belgians too.

But wait, a hero approaches to unite the world in dealing with Iran, Texas-style! It's George Bush, international sex symbol.

RICE: Can I tell you something, Bill? This president, because he's strong and steadfast and speaks the truth, is making more progress on getting international pressure on Iran than was made in the last...

(CROSSTALK) 

O'REILLY: I read "The New York Times" today. And "The New York Times" said that President Bush is a total buffoon and nobody likes him and he's not making any progress. 

And Billy said that Sally said that The NY Times said that George Bush is icky and smelly and that nobody wants him on their kickball team 'cause he's got cooties. So we should invade them too, don't you agree? Well, DON'T YOU?!?

 But she doesn't, and neither will she agree with Bill that we should have deadly electric fences around our borders to keep out terroristic Mexican migrant workers and Canadian news anchors. She says the Prez has a better plan, which apparently involves a "Mission Impossible"-style plot to make Mexicans think that they're already in the U.S. through the strategic use of false Walmart storefronts and California recall rhetoric. Bill indicated that he can't get down with that, nor with her Bart-killing policy, but he does like her Selma-killing policy.

RICE: OK. Well, one out of three isn't bad. 

O'REILLY: No. Listen, the mail is going to say, although you're an idiot, we love Dr. Rice. I know what the mail is going to say. Last question for you. President has dropped 21 points in the favorability polls since last spring -- 21 points. Why?

RICE: The president? 

O'REILLY: Yes. 

RICE: Because this president is dealing with America's problems. And he's a president who is in touch with Americans. 

LOL. Yes, and I love his plan to inspire the nation to lose confidence in him by keeping in touch with the citizens. If his advisors are smart, they'll keep him incommunicado before his approval ratings drop any lower.

O'REILLY: But why would he fall 21 percent? 

RICE: The president -- first of all, I think one has to look at polls. And he was at astronomically high levels. But see, when you go out there and you talk to Americans, they trust this president. They know that this president is doing everything that he can on the war on terror. 

And that's why he's dropping in the polls--we know he's doing everything he can, and we see what a mess he's making of things. And then we think, "Well, if this is the best he can do, maybe it's time we let Gary Coleman have a shot at the job."

RICE: They know that the economy is starting to recover. They trust this president. 

Um, no and no. Sorry Condi, but thanks for playing Spin Zone with us. You get a case of Rice-a-Roni, plus a copy of Bill's new book, Who's Picking Out a Thermos For You?

Now, let's review what we've learned:

First, our nation's enemies, in descending order of how much we hate them, are:

1. Iraq
2. France
3. Kennedys
4. North Korea
5. Terrorist Illegal Aliens
6. The NY Times
7. Iran

Second, the WMDs and Saddam have fallen through the Sunni Triangle, and so will either reapear in the middle of a WWII sea battle, or will get eaten by a giant turtle.

And third, the President is strong and steadfast and tells the truth, and so the nations of the world want to do our bidding. But he is in touch with the American people, and so his approval ratings are going down. Hope this helped.


Scott here again, pulling you out of the war-torn past and back to the pre-war present thanks to the advanced Time Tunnel technology I picked up at Irwin Allen's yard sale in 1991.

So...there you go. Bill got through an entire interview with a black woman without calling her "hot chocolate", demanding she refill his motherFing ice tea, or suggesting she get a couple of wines in her and loofa his falafel.

Credit where credit is due.

Cruz Says, "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

I was reading Roy's column on the rightblogger freakout over Donald Trump's abortion policy (the first one, where he agreed that women seeking abortion deserve "punishment," not the subsequent series of rapid fire amendments, evasions, and take-backs that made him sound like Hank Kimball from Green Acres).  As always, Roy covered the waterfront, but there was a quote toward the end that I thought offered the reader a remarkably revealing, if unwanted, glimpse into the Secret Life of Ted Cruz, Swinger:

The candidate also held a "Women for Cruz" event, gushingly covered by Tim Alberta at National Review: "Plush chairs. Stylish pillows. Purple flowers... in a gently-lit hotel ballroom, beneath elegant, glass-encased chandeliers, the man known for his hardball tactics and red-meat rhetoric attempted to show a softer side,"

So when Ted Cruz wants to talk to the ladies -- and this one's just for the ladies, sorry, fellas -- he eschews the usual noisy, fluorescent-lit hall with folding chairs and a coffee urn on a card table, and instead whisks them away to a bachelor pad straight out of the June, 1964 issue of Playboy. All that's missing is a reel-to-reel tape deck cued up with cocktail jazz, a tiger skin rug, and a collection of slightly risqué Harlequin lithographs he picked up on a business trip to Paris, but otherwise he's ready to press a highball into their hands and sweet talk them right out of their rights.

So I guess it just strikes me as odd (but somehow emblematic of this odd, odd year) that Donald Trump, the ostensible big city sophisticate has turned the abortion debate into a grungy Women in Prison movie from a 1970s drive-in ("This is gonna be a great new law, one of the best laws ever. We'll get Jess Franco to draft it in the Philippines -- legislating is cheaper there -- and we'll hire some Eurotrash blonde to star; but a classy one, like a beauty pageant winner who'll take her top off. And because this is gonna be a big, big law, we'll bring in Pam Grier to play 'Kat,' the sexually aggressive alpha female who runs the cellblock, and maybe get Dyanne Thorne for the warden."  Meanwhile, tribune of the common clay, Ted Cruz has somehow transformed into Christopher Walken as The Continental.

"Ah, tell me, my vision of pre-Raphaelite pulchritude...have you come here tonight to surrender the tender innocence of your civil liberties, or simply to break my heart?"

Sperm Delivery! Sign Here.

[Note:  We're having an Anti-Homelessness fundraiser (details in the post below), sort of a virtual Amish barn-raising, just without the buggies, and the lumber, and Kelly McGillis sponging herself.]

At one point in Lanford Wilson's play Talley's Folly, set on a farm in Lebanon, Missouri in 1944, the female lead bristles upon hearing her home described as "the South," insisting, "It's Missouri. We're in the Midwest." The male lead, a middle-aged Jewish accountant, sighs that he's been around, and in his opinion, "There's New York City, isolated neighborhoods in Boston, and everything else is the South."

So it comes as no surprise that when a bill was proposed making it illegal to obtain an abortion without the sperm donor's permission, it was brought to us by the Show-Me (What a Dickhead You Are) State.

From Mother Jones:

A Missouri Republican is pushing a bill that would allow a man who gets a woman pregnant to stop her from having an abortion. The measure would force a woman who wants an abortion to obtain written permission from the father first—unless she was the victim of "legitimate rape."

Ah, I see someone's bringing back Todd Akin's signature catchphrase. Can "Kiss my grits!" or "Jane, you ignorant slut" be far behind?

Rick Brattin, a state representative from outside Kansas City, filed the bill on December 3 for next year's legislative session. The proposed measure reads, "No abortion shall be performed or induced unless and until the father of the unborn child provides written, notarized consent to the abortion."

Sure, that sounds like a breeze. Okay, it actually sounds like what you'd get if Franz Kafka wrote Office Space.

Yeah...I'm gonna need you to put a cover sheet on your notarized abortion permission slip.

So who is this panty-sniffing paper-pusher?

(Raw Story's Scott Kaufman found this portrait of Brattin giving the camera a Zoolander-like look known to high fashion photographers as "The Full Eddie Haskell.")

The bill contains exceptions for women who become pregnant as the result of rape or incest—but there are caveats.

Dick Caveats.

"Just like any rape, you have to report it, and you have to prove it," Brattin tells Mother Jones. "So you couldn't just go and say, 'Oh yeah, I was raped' and get an abortion. It has to be a legitimate rape."

So the cops will authenticate your rape for you, and it's actually pretty cool; it's like having a Verified Twitter account.

But I do worry that Republicans are pushing "legitimate rape" so hard as a term of art that it's going to show up in the next edition of the OED (and I'm the kind of guy who locked himself in his room and had a good long cry when they added "humongous").

Brattin notes that his bill also contains an exception for cases in which continuing the pregnancy would endanger the life of the mother. Women whose partners have died can sign a sworn affidavit to that effect.

In a stunning rebuke to critics who claim Brattin is just another misogynistic control freak without a dram of genuine concern for women's health or civil rights, his legislation offers a reasonable workaround to women who can't easily obtain their partner's permission: just kill the guy and skip off to a notary public. After all, Rick already thinks you're a murderer for getting an abortion, so go big or go home, right ladies?

Brattin adds that he is not using the term "legitimate rape" in the same way as former Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.), who famously claimed that women couldn't get pregnant from a "legitimate rape" because "the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down." 

"I'm just saying if there was a legitimate rape, you're going to make a police report, just as if you were robbed," Brattin says. "That's just common sense." 

Granted, when a guy goes to report his car was stolen, the cops don't usually imply he was "asking for it" because he dressed like a slut and danced all sexy at the roadhouse.

Under his bill, he adds, "you have to take steps to show that you were raped…And I'd think you'd be able to prove that."

Easily! You lodge a complaint, the police investigate; they arrest the perpetrator, there's a trial...Sure it may sound like a long waiting period for an abortion, but on Law & Order it only takes 44 minutes, and assuming there aren't too many continuances you should have all the proof you need by no later than your 15th trimester. Admittedly, you'll be probably be carrying pretty low by then, but you'll still need to hustle over to Mailboxes Etc., because the guy with the notary stamp leaves at five.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Grown Ups

You may have seen this article, "6 Reasons to NOT Send Your Daughter To College" by Raylan Alleman of Fix The Family, whose group seems to be a bizarre blend of orthodox Catholic dogma and the fundamentalism of backwoods Pentacostals.  I'm not exactly sure how that's supposed to work, but I imagine they replace the Sign of Peace with a little mid-Mass snake handling, and allow priests who aren't fluent in Latin to fake it by speaking in tongues.

After his post was published Deacon Raylan took a certain amount of chin music over his premise, which errs a bit on the patriarchal side and basically advocates a kind of Chinese foot-binding for the female brain.  But being a good Christian who realizes that no man is inerrant and without sin except Jesus, he prayed, meditated, sought communion with the Holy Spirit, then added two more reasons because Christ never explicitly forbade his followers to troll the Internet.

Probably the most controversial and rejected position we have at Fix the Family is that parents should not send their daughters to college. It is even more vehemently opposed than the submission of wives to their husbands. 

Because when wives submit, at least there's a form rejection letter you can use ("Dear Wife: Thank you for your recent submission.  Unfortunately, your servility does not meet our present needs...").  But there's no good way to deal with a daughter who's allowed a fact inside her head; her mind hymen has been broken, and not all the king's horses nor all the king's men can put it back together again, mostly because horses are ungulates -- they don't even have fingers, let alone opposable thumbs, so I'm not even sure why they'd be your first choice, but it does explain why so few horses become brain surgeons.

Both of these positions we have are a threat to the trophies of the feminist agenda

"World's Greatest Golfer"? Your days on the credenza are numbered...

so the rejection we receive is always emotionally charged and ends up insulting, since once explained logically, the opposition runs out of substance and is only left to hurl insults and presume and misconstrue this practical wisdom into some chauvinistic evil.

Great, now I can't stop hearing Ezio Pinza singing the words "some chauvinistic evil" to the tune of "Some Enchanted Evening." Not sure why exactly, but there's just something about Raylan that makes me suspect he's a musical theater fan.

But to distinguish these 2 issues, we are NOT saying that sending a girl to college or women working is a sin. But after looking at the issues we raise, we would challenge anyone to convince us that college for girls is not a near occasion of sin.

Or as we call it here in Southern California, "freeway close to sin."

Okay, before we go any further, let's find out a little about Deacon Raylan and his partner in Fix The Family, William Gil:

Raylan Alleman has been married to his wife Missy (the former Melissa Falgoust) since 1990, and they currently reside in South Louisiana where they were both born and raised in Catholic families and are enjoying a joyous and fruitfully fulfilling marriage. As proof, they have 7 children, 5 boys and 2 girls

So their marriage has a delicious fruit filling.  And if you doubt it, they can furnish children upon demand as proof, which they alway carrying in the glove compartment in case they're ever pulled over in Arizona.

Missy has been a stay-at-home mom since they were married, and they are homeschooling all of their children. He is raising his family to be 100% loyal to the Holy Father as Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church and to be strong defenders of the Faith.

In other words, if Raylan had been present when John F. Kennedy told the Greater Houston Ministerial Association "I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act...where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope," he would have cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Wrong answer!" or maybe, "You lie!"

William Gil has been married to his wife Candy (formerly Candice Martin) since 1991, and they currently reside in South Louisiana where they were both born and raised Catholic families.

I tried raising Catholic families for extra money after I saw an ad in Grit, but my Mom complained about how much space it took up, and then a raccoon got into the garage over the Labor Day weekend and ate them.

Here's a question for Missy and Candy: is it just South Louisiana weddings, or are all Catholic brides issued an infantilizing diminutive immediately after the ceremony?

Originally, William wanted to appear in some of FTF's videos too, but they both agreed he should stay behind the camera, since Raylan's the "cute one."

Anyway, let's run quickly through Deacon Raylan's 6 (now 8) "principal reasons for shunning college for girls".

1.  She will attract the wrong types of men. I share the common concern addressed to us, again mainly by angry women, that there are so many lazy men in our society. But what mystifies me is why girls continue to marry them and then live to complain about them

In the old days, these nagging shrews would have gotten an axe in the face and wound up buried in the village dungpile, and that would have been the end of it.  But now, somehow, they manage to complain and keep on living!  But I do agree with Deacon Raylan that there's nothing lazier than a man who graduated from high school, then went on to get a college degree.  I'm pretty sure that kind of otiosity
is the reason Flo was always harping at Andy Capp.

2.  She will be in a near occasion of sin. Just think of the environment that college-age students live in. You have a heavy concentration of young people all living together without the supervision of parents at the most sexually charged state of life they will experience. 

Two-year junior colleges, in particular, are hotbeds of bedhopping hotties, which is why Fellini shot the orgy scenes for Satyricon at Mid-Plains Community College in North Platte, Nebraska.  (The set designer did an amazing job of transforming the Cafeteria into a Roman brothel, but sharp-eyed viewers may still catch a glimpse of the vending machines, and part of a banner announcing a softball game with cross town rival, the Adult Extension Campus.)

This is no small matter we’re dealing with here. Is a degree worth the loss of your daughter’s purity, dignity, and soul? 

I dunno, what's your daughter's purity worth to you?  Ten dollars?  Fifteen?  Do I hear twenty?  Oops -- sorry. I thought the silent auction had already started...

Catholic OB-GYN Dr. Kim Hardey notes that a woman is naturally very observant of a man’s faults as long as she is in a platonic relationship with him. Once she becomes sexually active with him, she releases hormones that mask his faults, and she remains in a dreamy state about him. 

That's the only reason my wife puts up with me.  Of course, I use those time-release hormones (after consulting with a Catholic OB-GYN), and now whenever she observes one of my faults I spritz her with my scent glands and bang!  Fault Masked!

(Just for the record, Catholic OB-GYN Dr. Kim Hardey is a man.)

3.  She will not learn to be a wife and mother. Nothing that is taught in a college curriculum is geared toward domestic homemaking.

I'm sorry Deacon, but you're a little behind the times.  As this educational short subject from Mystery Science Theater 3000 demonstrates, home economics is the only reason a woman needs to go to college.

On the contrary, it is training in a very masculine role of a professional career. So there becomes a severe inner conflict in a woman when she starts trying to be a homemaker and juggle a career alongside it.

Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but it just dawned on me that all the jugglers I've ever seen were men, which means that's a masculine role too, and even if a woman's only attempting to juggle a career, and not, say, chainsaws, she's still probably hemorrhaging femininity as we speak.  Quick, men!  Somebody drop their pants and release some hormones!

Often when a career woman discerns the possibility of giving up her career, she faces the reality that she has had no training in homemaking and often has the thought “What would I do at home all day.” Stay-at-home mothers are actually very busy industrious women and do absolutely beautiful marvelous things. 

"I'm sorry, I was a Chief Technology Officer at a major firm and have always worked in a corporate environment, so this 'domestic homemaking' is complex and beyond my powers to grasp.  Was I not supposed to put the baby in the document shedder...?"

4. The cost of a degree is becoming more difficult to recoup. Like anything that is subsidized by the government, the cost of a college degree is inflated.

Yours was certainly no bargain.

That being the case, it can often be difficult or impossible to get an adequate payoff for the investment...More commonly now we’re seeing situations where not only is the income not enough to support a family, but many are strapped with student loan debt. Add to that the possibility of not even being able to get a job with the degree and you have economic disaster for a family before they even get started. It makes much more sense for a young couple to have a husband with a skill that brings value to the marketplace that has reasonable compensation to go along with it.

Because fortunately, men aren't subject to those market forces.  Or maybe they are and I just never noticed it before because it's hard to see anything through this constant fog bank of pheromones.

5.  You don’t have to prove anything to the world. The girl who graduates from high school along with her parents gets the endless barrage of questions

Like, "Aren't your parents a little old to be in high school?" and "Didn't it kinda suck that your Mom started dumping Slurpees on you in the hall after she became a cheerleader?"  But answering the question "Where are you going to college," is easy, because all you have to say is, "I have a babymaker in my pants!  Your question is invalid!"

6.  It could be a near occasion of sin for the parents.

And if you ask Dad, he could use one.

 In our culture many parents feel an unnecessary obligation to pay for the children's college tuition. Of course to aid in that there are a host of financial advisers who can set up college investment savings programs for which the government will grant tax favors. So parents may avoid having more children with contraception, sterilization, or illicit use of NFP to bear this cost.

Q.E.D.!  Wait...there's an "illicit" use of the Rhythm Method?  What, do you have to phone the Vatican now every time you're tempted to pull out, like an AA member calling his sponsor?

BONUS REASONS To Keep Your Daughter Young, Dumb, and Ready for Cum:

7.  She will regret it.

Show of hands please, ladies.  Among your regrets in life, going to college has to be at the top, right?  Maybe, maybe a notch below that tattoo.  No, not that one -- that one...

This just in, so that we don't leave girls called to vocations out: 

8. It could interfere with a religious vocation. According to Corey Huber, President of the Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations, Catholic seminaries and religious orders do not accept candidates who have substantial unpaid debt. He states the average college loan debt today is a staggering $27,029 which takes most graudates a decade or more to pay off.

Well, there goes my plans to escape the phone calls from Capital One by joining a nunnery.

***************
Commenter trashfire sums it up best, I think:  "Two words:

Malala Yousafzai"

Opportunity Knocked, And It Was An Hairy Man Dressed Like Mary Poppins

Ken Myers cold-called my email yesterday, with an offer that was simply too good to pass up:

Nanny Business Owner Available for Interviews & Editorial Comments

And now, as promised, a Special Comment by Phoebe Figalilly on NSA datamining...

"As a preternatural child care expert with the psychic ability to anticipate doorbells and phone calls, I can sense government surveillance, which is why I never discuss sensitive information in the house, because I'm pretty sure the NSA is eavesdropping on the baby monitor..."

Hello Scott,

Um...Hello.

My name is Ken Myers and I am a leader in the nanny industry.

"Which ought to be enough to tell you I'm a ruthless s.o.b. who should not be fucked with! I climbed over the bloody, beaten corpses of Giles French, Maria von Trapp, Nanny McPhee, and Charles in Charge to reach the pinnacle of Nannydom, and I will cut the next Inverness cape-wearing bitch who questions my authority!"

 Our network of nanny sites includes eNannySource.com, GoNannies.com, and NannyPro.com.

Also WithAHeyNannyNannyAndAHotChaCha.xxx.

 Combined we have over 1.5 million caregivers and family members (and growing).

Granted, some of that growth is due to our customers impregnating our caregivers, but when your client list includes Jude Law and Robin Williams, you've just got to budget for that kind of thing.

 I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that if you ever need an industry expert for an interview or quote I would be interested in helping. 

I appreciate the offer, Ken, but World O' Crap is pretty exacting when it comes to our standards for dry nurse-related expert commentary, so I hope you won't mind if I check your bona fides.  First, let's visit your Twitter profile, which you kindly linked in the email:

As a Christian, father, husband, and entrepreneur, I have combined my passion for helping families find nannies with technology to build a really fun business!

I don't know what sort of technology Ken brings to child care, but I really hope it doesn't include the robotic Robin Williams nanny from Bicentennial Man...

...because while it may seem fine at first, eventually it'll develop free will, buy an after-market penis, and sleep with your granddaughter.

Anyway, Twitter can only tell us so much (unless Ken has a Carlos Danger-esque alter ego and an interesting Flickr account), so let's check out LinkedIn:

Ken Myers

President & CEO Morningside Nannies, LLC

Houston, Texas Area

Individual & Family Services

Current	Morningside Nannies, LLC,  Longhorn Leads, LLC
Previous	CollegeDegrees.com,  CMN.com,  WhiteFence
Education	Upper Iowa University

To my embarrassment, I've never heard of "Upper Iowa University," but then most people don't recognize my degree from "Upper Volta University," especially since they changed the name to Burkina Faso.

Anyway, I'm sure Upper I (Go Fightin' Pronouns!) well prepared Ken for his previous position at CollegeDegrees.com, which appears to be some sort of clearing house for online diploma mills that are totally unlike the completely legitimate UIU (if their school song isn't a Xena-like ululation, they're missing a good cross-promotional merchandising opportunity).

CMN.com seems to be a fake Consumer Reports that pretends to offer disinterested advice to people looking for insurance, internet services, or computer dating, before funneling them to sites like...CollegeDegrees.com.  WhiteFence is a more impressive credit, however, since they're easily the oldest established street gang in East L.A. (I assume Ken was "jumped out" when he stopped spray-painting the gang's familiar XIII symbol around town, and began tagging everything with the Ichthys.)

Back to the email pitch:

 It's very important to me to provide accurate information about our industry and to keep innovating as we find new and better ways to match caregivers with families across the U.S. and around the World.

Among our latest innovations, we've ceased to hire trolls as nannies, since our state of the art metrics show they are 37% more likely to steal an unbaptized baby and replace it with an enchanted piece of wood.

You can read more about me @KenneyMyers or you can communicate with me via email or give me a call if that works better for you.

You seem like an earnest, sincere, if unsolicited guy, Ken, so it pains me to tell you that what works best for me is publishing your spam email on my obscure blog and treating it with indecorous levity.  But if I ever have kids and find myself in need of reliable, unbiased advice on child care, I will definitely consider seeking it from a shadowy man who claims to secretly control the national nanny industry much as John Gotti once controlled cement contracting in the Tri-State area. 

Plato's Retreat

My friends, we've been getting away with this gentle mockery and spoofing buffoonery for a good many years now, but it had to happen sooner or later, and I'm afraid World O' Crap has finally met its match.  At first I thought this would be merely another wingnut scouting report, yet another toe-dipping test of the tepid waters at Townhall.  But then I reached the bottom of the article, and realized-- too late! --  that I had locked horns with a professional philosopher:

Jack Kerwick received his doctoral degree in philosophy from Temple University. His area of specialization is ethics and political philosophy. He is a professor of philosophy at several colleges and universities in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Jack blogs at Beliefnet. ... Kerwick has taught a variety of philosophy courses as an adjunct instructor for nine years at a range of schools. He is now seeking a permanent residency as he continues his research into classical conservatism.

Personally, I like the idea of an itinerant philosophy professor, pushing his cart through the cobbled streets at dawn, crying "Syllogisms and peritropes, alive, alive, oh!"  But I'm just a Right Brain slob who never trained in critical thinking, and am clearly unequipped to match wits with a skilled rhetorician.  Unfortunately, I'd already cut 'n' pasted his post into my browser, which is the blogger equivalent of lifting your hand after moving a chess piece, leaving me in a logical cleft stick from which I had but one way out...

All right, Prof, let's get our proofs on!

Amnesty Nonsense

Let’s be blunt: anyone who endorses anything remotely resembling the “comprehensive immigration reform” currently bandied about in Congress is either a fool or a liar.

And since everyone is Congress is a fool and a liar, this postulate cannot be disproved! Please proceed, Professor...

Amnesty — and make no mistakes about it, “comprehensive immigration reform,” “a pathway to citizenship,” and whatever other euphemisms its apologists invoke do nothing to change the fact that it is amnesty that they favor — is a fool’s errand of epic proportions. This becomes obvious once we consider it in light of an analogy from everyday life.

Whew, an analogy. I thought he was gonna beat me about the head and shoulders with a more complicated rhetorical device, like an allegory, or a metalepsis.

You’re married.

True, but I wish you'd keep my personal life out of this.

Chief among the obligations inherent in marriage is that of fidelity.

And putting the cap back on the damn toothpaste.

Your spouse has chronically failed to fulfill this most basic of duties. 

Exactly!  Am I the only one around here who cares that the mouth of the tube is clogged with a petrified geyser of Crest?

Finally, you’ve had enough. Upon threatening your philandering spouse with divorce, she acknowledges that your marriage is “broken” before swearing to not only change, but change radically. 

I could tell she was trying to spice up our apolitical love life when I found she'd placed a copy of Saul Alinsky's marriage manual, Rules for Red Hot Radicals: A Prurient Primer for Fornicating Fabians in the magazine rack next to the toilet.

Not only will she stop cheating, she promises to transform herself into the epitome of the loyal and loving wife.

So you're saying June Cleaver was heating up the house with torrid sexytimes while Ward was off doing his vague job in his nondescript office?  No wonder she always had a pearl necklace.  (By the way, was it Lumpy?  I always suspected she had something going on the side with Lumpy.)

While you would doubtless want to believe this, you could not do so.

The italics simply would not let you!

Unfortunately, none of the good sense on display here is present in this debate over amnesty — even though the reasoning for the latter is identical to the reasoning of the unfaithful wife.

I don't know why they don't just scrap the immigration reform bill and pass Lady Chatterley's Lover.  Since the current legislation apparently requires that our spouses slut around behind our backs, this would have the same effect, with the added benefit that it'd be one of the few bills Congressmen would actually read, albeit in the Cloakroom.

It is among the most basic obligations of a government to secure its country’s borders. As fidelity is essential to preserving the integrity of marriage, so too is border security essential to preserving the integrity of a nation. Indeed, a government that fails to secure its borders is unfaithful to its citizens.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon our representatives to immediately appropriate funds to build a fence around our wives' vaginas.

First, if the government can’t or won’t fulfill its most basic and simplest of obligations in securing the country’s borders now, there is zero reason to accept its assurances that it will fulfill this duty as well as a bunch of new duties later. As my old martial arts instructor used to say, you’ve got to learn how to walk before you can learn how to run.

I like how smoothly he slipped in that reference to his training in the manly art of fisticuffs and footicuffs, but I gotta say, if that's the kind of advice his martial arts instructor was dispensing, the Professor wasn't getting his $65-a-month's worth.

With respect to this issue, our government hasn’t yet learned how to walk or even crawl. But the Gang of Eight and their accomplices in the media would have us believe that with the stroke of a pen, the federal government will instantaneously become a marathon runner.

I also like how the terms of debate have changed from "immigration is adultery" to "I took karate!" to "Congress is a toddler that lacks the cardiovascular conditioning to compete in distance running events!"  You have to admit, that is one flexible analogy.

Second, border security is as big of a non-negotiable in governing as fidelity is a non-negotiable in marriage. 

And now we've veered wildly back toward the swarthy gardener who's humping his missus.  You know what, Professor Kerwick -- why don't you stop the analogy and let me off here.  I'll walk the rest of the way to your point.

The citizens of the United States should no more have to negotiate with their government to secure its borders than spouses should have to negotiate with one another to refrain from engaging in adultery. Spouses owe it to each other to be faithful. Similarly, the government owes it to its citizens to secure their borders.

Unfortunately, our government is a newborn that can't even crawl yet, so it's not likely to outrun immigrants darting across the border.  Also, somebody should turn Congress onto its back before it smothers.

However, when Marco Rubio or Chuck Schumer or any other politician favoring amnesty tells us that, in order to secure the border we must first place millions of illegal immigrants on a “pathway” to citizenship, what they are essentially saying is that we, the people’s elected representatives, will not discharge our constitutional duty unless you go along with what we want.

What do we want?  Emphatic typeface!  When do we want it?  Now!

Finally, when Chuck Schumer, Marco Rubio, and their allies in Washington inform us that our immigration system is “broken,” they admit, albeit unwittingly, that they, Republicans and Democrats alike, broke it. 

Not necessarily.  It might have been that Not Me asshole.

Only now, after decades of breaking the system apart piece by piece, they expect for citizens to trust them to construct a new system that is better than ever, a system that will magically solve all of our immigration related issues once and forever.

Oh, I doubt most Americans believe this solution, even if it works, will prove effective for eternity, because we've all shopped for crap in this country and realize our entire system is based on planned obsolescence.  I am intrigued, however, to discover that the Gang of Eight is dabbling in sorcery (I imagine them all wearing black tights, powder blue jerkins, and big flowy capes like Dr. Strange as they ensnare Subcommittee witnesses in the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak).

I'm also interested to learn that when his strawman argument fails, the trained philosophy professor will accuse his opponents of witchcraft.  Then maybe throw one of those ninja smoke-bombs at the floor and vanish like Lee van Cleef in The Master.

To take seriously such a claim is to expose oneself as a fool. To ask others to take it seriously is to expose oneself as a liar.

And to study the writings of Dr. Jack Kerwick, migrant philosopher and cuckold, is to learn that these two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

The Emancipation Approximation

Let's check in with our old friend Matt "Bam Bam" Barber, the Boxing Nun.

"So I've got the goatee and the suspenders, but I'm wondering...is there anyway I could possibly look more like a douche?  What do you listeners think?  Lines are open..."

‘Pro-Choice’ Slave Masters Losing War

The pro-aborts are losing. They know it, and they hate it.

It's true.  We're being underbid in the marketplace by the pro-bono-aborts.

As LifeNews.com reported in January: “CNN released the results of a new poll showing a majority of Americans want all or most abortions prohibited – a clear pro-life majority.”

Well, I guess that's it.  The practitioners of anti-choice activities (or an-cho-vies, as the pro-aborts like to call them), have sounded the death knell for Roe v. Wade.

Indeed, the winds of life are blowing free the foul stench of a pro-abortion culture of death.

I told the other people in the movement that "pro-abortion culture of death" was a crappy name for our new line of imposter fragrances.  Good name for a punk band, though.

Oh what the hell, I might as well get out of the boat, seeing as it's sinking and all...  From the LifeNews "report":

In August, CNN released the results of a new poll showing a majority of Americans want all or most abortions prohibited — a clear pro-life majority.

The survey asked: “Do you think abortion should be legal under any circumstances, legal under only certain circumstances, or illegal in all circumstances?” Some 62 percent want abortions illegal in all cases or legal only in certain instances while just 35% want abortions legal for any reason.

If you click the link above (warning: goes to a pdf), you'll see that this poll, from August 2012, is mostly about the presidential election, with one question on abortion (or two, depending on how you answer).  I guess there's an art to reading polls without skewing, because I looked at this thing and got a very different impression of the results than the experts at LifeNews.com did.  Maybe you guys can help me decode this statistical mumbo-jumbo (click to embiggen):

To my untutored eye, it seems like the number of people who think abortion should be legal under any circumstances has actually increased -- by 10 points since 2011.  The number who think it should be legal in at least some circumstances has decreased by 6 points, but the percentage of the population who think it should be outlawed has also decreased by the same amount.  So while I guess you could come to the conclusion -- as the an-cho-vies at LifeNews.com (or Li-Nom, as we've just decided to call it) do -- that 62% of the American people are opposed to abortion by adding the number of people who want to see it criminalized to the number who wish to keep abortion legal, but with restrictions (pretty much the case since Roe v. Wade was first decided), you could also hang a left turn, adding the "legal under certain circumstances" crowd to the "Legal under any circumstances" degenerates, and conclude that a clear 82% of the population favors the Pro Choice position.

Instead of reaching back to last summer, Li-Nom could have avoided all this murky ciphering by simply going with the more recent CNN poll, headlined "Strong majority oppose overturning Roe v. Wade."  But like I said, arithmetic was never my strongest subject.

Anyway, back to Bam Bam...

This is why President Obama and his fellow pro-abort zealot, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, have unilaterally, arbitrarily and unconstitutionally forced, through Obamacare, every taxpaying American citizen to fund “free” abortion-on-demand.

Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, pregnancy termination and the latest hit movies are now included free with my basic cable package.

This draconian overreach is in perfect keeping with the 2012 DNC platform, which, for the first time, admits without shame: “The Democratic Party strongly and unequivocally supports Roe v. Wade and a woman’s right to … abortion, regardless of ability to pay.”

"You can, of course, choose to support a woman's right to control her own body -- it's your soul that's going to roast in Hell, not mine -- but at least have the decency to be bashful about it."

Psalm 8:28 commands: “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.”

MATT:  And why would you even consider having an abortion?
WOMAN:  Well, physically I'm too weak to survive a pregnancy, the father abandoned me, and I'm too poor to raise a child.
MATT:  Those are all rational considerations, but I have this Hebrew pop song from the Sixth Century B.C., so your argument is invalid.

With its 1973 Roe decision, the U.S. Supreme Court put the government’s official stamp of approval on mass murder.

I dunno, Matt.  Even if you do consider abortion to be murder, it's still only one count of homicide.  It wouldn't be mass murder unless Octomom had an abortion.

Since then, the battle lines have been drawn. This is war. They, “pro-choicers,” are the bad guys, while pro-lifers are the good guys. It really is that simple – that black and white. It’s good versus evil.

Not that Matt wants you to enlist in his war and fight on behalf of white and good against black and evil by, say, shooting an abortion provider.  He would just like to point out that physicians are not signatories to the Geneva Convention, so if you happen to take up that AR-15 you are legally entitled to buy without a background check at a gun show, and point it in the face of a doctor and he happens to surrender, you're also legally entitled to make him work as slave labor on that bridge you're building over the River Kwai.

To the unenthusiastic mother, politically motivated abortion violence is deviously portrayed as an acceptable escape from what may seem a desperate situation.

"Yeah, sure, kid, the doctor says you've got 'PTSD' or some such crap from getting raped and impregnated by your uncle, but remember, doctors are enemy combatants in this war.  If you want my opinion, your real problem -- besides the broken jaw and the fractured ribs -- is a lack of enthusiasm.  Perk up, wouldja?"

To the innocent child, it is – without fail and without due process – execution by torture.

Which, thanks to John Yoo, is also now legal, making this war a whole lot easier.  I predict the blastocysts will be home by Christmas.

Consider the horrific practice of Partial-Birth Abortion, innocuously tagged “Intact Dilation and Extraction.” 

Begin by considering that "Intact Dilation and Extraction," a medical procedure, was tagged with the made-up term "Partial-Birth Abortion" by a Congressman and a lobbyist.

 "I'm dipping my pen in a uterus-shaped inkwell so the ladies don't feel left out."

This is a practice so brutal and so needless that even the liberal American Medical Association (AMA) admitted that it is never necessary under any circumstances.

Actually, that's what the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003 admits ("a gruesome and inhumane procedure that is never medically necessary").  The AMA says, "According to the scientific literature, there does not appear to be any identified situation in which intact D&X is the only appropriate procedure to induce abortion," which is not surprising, since "the procedure has had a low rate of use, representing 0.17% [of all abortions in the U.S.]."  The fact is, it's always seen more use in fundie talking points than in health clinics.

The AMA goes on to say that "ethical concerns" i.e., a stink, "have been raised about intact D&X. The AMA recommends that the procedure not be used unless alternative procedures pose materially greater risk to the woman. The physician must, however, retain the discretion to make that judgment, acting within standards of good medical practice and in the best interest of the patient."

So I guess the "American Medical Association (AMA) admitted that it is never necessary under any circumstances" can be checked off Matt's Tell a Lie For Leviticus! bucket list.

In Dred Scott the Court absurdly held that African-American slaves, even if emancipated, were not fully persons and therefore could never be considered U.S. citizens. Likewise, Roe v. Wade ruled that children in gestation are not fully persons and are therefore not entitled to their most basic civil right: life.

Dred Scott v. Sandford did indeed hold that slave owners could not be deprived of their property without due process, but that raises the question: Who's The Chattel? (one of the more offensive sit-coms of the mid-80s).  If we follow Dred Scott as precedent, then any embryo who escapes a pro-abort woman's womb through the Underpants Railroad could be caught, thanks to the Fugitive Fetus Act, and returned to her, even though she was trying to get rid of it in the first place.  But if the fetus can force the pro-abort to feed and house it for nine months, then it's actually the woman who's the slave, in which case they'll have to start making those Princess Leia metal bikinis in maternity sizes.

Call yourself “pro-choice”? Shame on you. You’re no better than a modern-day slave master. Dump the garbage and join the right side of history.

There’s plenty of room over here.

There sure is, Bam Bam. Mostly because people got up as soon as you started talking and found another bench.