Quarantined Schoolhouse Rock

By Mary Clevenger

As a former school teacher, here is my advice for parents finding themselves needing to homeschool their children during this stressful time.

1. Let them have their spring break. They need it. Let them play, do arts and crafts, watch movies, whatever they need to unwind.

2. Once spring break is over, get them back on their school schedule. Get them started with their online schooling ASAP.

3. If there is no online learning being offered from their schools, contact their teacher and find out what the daily schedule is for each child. Set up your child's day based on that.

4. If you have no materials to help with their lessons--improvise!

For example: Math: Bring them into the kitchen and have them help cook meals. That can teach them measuring and fractions. Play Store with them; that can help with money, adding and subtracting.

Reading: Pick a favorite book. Have discussions about their favorite characters; break down the plot-it can be as simple as identifying the beginning, middle and end. Have your child write a book report about the book (google for great looking book report forms)

Choose a book they haven't read, yet. Read it yourself, first. Identify words that they may not be familiar with- instant vocabulary lesson.

Make sure to have your child read aloud to you. Note words that were difficult for them to read and help them with the phonics of reading.

History and Science: First find out what the standards are for your child's grade level for those subjects (again google for your state standards) Then use the internet to help. National Geographic for Kids is a great resource.

Finally, have your child keep a journal of their learning. Ask them to write down what they learned that day, then list any questions they have about their learning and what more they would like to learn about the subject.

Wow! This was long. I hope it helps!

You Say You Want a New Year's Resolution...

Well, too damn bad. I'm done with "resolutions". I'm great at making resolutions, I just suck at keeping them. So this year, I'm doing something different. I'm making a list.

I'm calling it a "bucket list" but it's not the kind you make when you are thinking of the end of your life. I'm thinking about the how I want 2018 to end.

My list isn't going to be grandiose. It won't be life changing. It will be small. I can add to it anytime I want. It will be positive. It won't put me on any hit lists. Most importantly, it will be easy to do.

Once I put something on this list, it won't go away. It will still be there until I can check it off. Kind of like a grocery list. And like a grocery list, it's not going to be long. I'll add things that I think of that will be necessary to making 2018 a bit better than 2017. But that's it. Unlike a grocery list, you will never ever find the word "kale" on it.

If you're looking for amazing goals like "running a marathon", then you better move on. This will be the most boring bucket list in the history of bucket lists.
Here we go:

• Clean the kitchen.
• Clean the dining room table.
• Clean my desk.
• Finish reading "Warlock Holmes" by GS Denning
• Send my resume to local, neighborhood Catholic Schools, whether they want it or not.

And one more that I can easily put a check mark next to as "done":

• Go to accupuncturist more than 2 days a week to help heal this latest round of Trigeminal Neuralgia! ✔

So there ya go. It's my New Year's To Do List. The neat thing is, I got a whole year to put check marks next to stuff. The un-neat thing: I'm probably going to have to add stuff like, "buy new litter boxes and some of that SLIDE cat litter" or, "My horoscope says the best time to buy a pant suit will be this month. Time to go to the mall!" and other boring stuff like that. Still, easier than making resolutions!

Kelly Anne Conway Prepares For Her Interview on MSNBC

Hey! I said I wanted Voss water in my dressing room! Whats this Poland Spring crap?

Why I Feel Like A Trump Candidacy Is Gonna End Up On Law and Order: SVU

IMHO, there are a lot of Trump supporters who sound just like people who have been victims of domestic abuse: "He didn't mean it". "He was just joking". "Oh you don't know him like I do, because you never see that side of him". If you need to make excuses for a person, maybe they are not really the right person.

Admit it now, Trump supporters, so you don't end up on a slab with Olivia Benson swearing she will bring the candidate to justice.

Things Are Coming To a Boil!

Another surprise mini-sode (at least, it came as a surprise to me)!  Jeff and Mary have a grief counseling session over the Star Wars Holiday Special, while I play the part of the suicidal (or homicidal) caller to a late night radio talk show.

Wookies and Music and Porn Oh My 

Starring Jeff Holland and Scott and Mary Clevenger 

Another special lead up to Saturday’s premiere of The Slumgullion. Tangents are kept to a surprising minimum as Jeff and Mary deal with a shared childhood trauma known as The Star Wars Holiday Special. Scott has used much medication to remove those horrible memories from 1978, but Mary and Jeff have suffered greatly, and it is time for closure. 

NOTE: Scott may sound a little distant in this particular conversation, but he is speaking through a tin can attached to a string.

Click the link above and hear Mary and Jeff laugh, cry, and try to outgeek each other by naming all the toys and tie-in merchandise they collected. Justin Bieber passes himself off as Diahann Carroll by adding another "n" to the end of his name. Then Bea Arthur shows up and demands that you dream about her.

I dare you not to.

It's Ibsen's "Ghosts" Meets "Gentle Ben"

Looking at this billboard really depresses me. Still, I know in my heart that if we all just pull together, we can be #1!

ClickBait Captions!

Hey guys! If you're anything like me (and I know I am) I often get on the internets just to waste time, and browsing clickbait articles is a major time-waster! However, instead of clicking on them, I try and guess what the article will tell us. It's fun, and more importantly, it's a time-saving way to waste time, leaving you more time to waste on time-wasters.

Today's theme is Food. I'll admit, creating Bill S' and Minx's birthday menus brought on the foodie bug, and these food articles just popped out at me, which is fitting since they all come courtesy of popsugar.com

On a stick, over a campfire.

If you could actually butter your scones with beer, there'd be a lot more Teamsters serving High Tea.

Melted butter? Seems less Go-To Salad and more Go-To Toilet and Heave.

They say the same thing about combat.

This should be an easy menu: booze and adultery! With candy cigarettes for dessert.

Never let Lorena Bobbitt make the appetizers.

Please add your own captions in the comments.

I Can Show You The World...

Tell me, princess, now when did
you last let your heart decide?(h/t BuzzFeed)

Crappy Holidays, From World O'Crap!

So, here we are, firmly ensconced into January, 2015. You might think that the holiday season, like a high fever, has finally broken, and you're out of the woods.  Your doctor has given you a clean bill of calendar, and your tests came back holiday free!

[Jack Palance voice] Think...again!

Like your kitchen, when you snap on the light, surprising all those cockroaches you didn't know were partying there in the middle of the night; every month of the year is lousy with holidays, ranging from  "Historic Holidays of Significance" to "I Defy You to Explain to Me Why This is Even a Holiday" holidays, which are historically the hardest to shop for.

Allow me, MaryC, to go over select feasts, fetes, and fiestas, and let you know which are worthy of celebration, and which are just...really...not necessary. At all. (Be advised, some of these holidays have passed. But, since they're just made up, you can celebrate them anytime!)

January 8th: Male Watchers Day (I see what you did there, you phony holiday creator you!)

It's not as objectifying as it sounds, although an image search did have THIS as a first listing:

However, on further investigation, I found this helpful graphic:

Yes, you better get tested for any STDs, because who knows what kind of disease you got from...watching... hot guys? All that aside, nice of Emma Stone to volunteer as the Spokesperson for Ocular Gonorrhea .

January 9th: Play God Day Also known as "Supervillain Appreciation Day."

Apparently, nobody really knows what this holiday is for.  It's either a day for creating life, or a day for Cos-Playing as a Doctor.

Preferably, the Tenth Doctor. Just because I think  he's cute

Interestingly, in the Supervillain community, this holiday is known as "Take Your Daughter to Your Work Day," which is why so many secret international criminal organizations maintain pretty nifty day care centers in their extinct volcanoes.

January 17th:  Ditch New Year's Resolutions Day

AKA, The Easiest Holiday of the Year.

Interesting factoids for this holiday:

Flower of the Day: Avocado - grow them indoors!

Recipe of the Day: Herb Wine Sauce

My guess? If you vowed to give up fats and alcohol for 2015, then the day you ditch that resolution should include a meal with avocados and an Herb Wine Sauce.  Also, the most ardent celebrants of this holiday are people so lazy they cultivate their avocados indoors so they can harvest them without moving from the couch during The Price Is Right.

So what are your plans for the holiday?  And how did you spend Male Watcher's Day this year?  (I imagine that one is a pretty simple day of devotion to discharge, at least for you males, since all you'd need to do is put up a mirror beside your computer and just watch yourself out of the corner of your eye all day like a parakeet. )

Time Once Again for "Goys on Toys!"

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." -- Richard Lewis

Breaking with our tradition of spending the Twelve Days of Christmas highlighting crappy (and oftentimes, crapping) toys, this year we decided to provide Equal Time to Hannukah; and thus we conclude our survey with perhaps this season's hottest gift:

The Mensch on a Bench!

We're a little bitter toward creators Neal Hoffman and Necdet Yilmaz, because they submitted this idea to the reality show Shark Tank before we could approach the maneating marketers with our own (admittedly similar) idea, "Alter Kocker on a Locker."  We'd challenge them to step outside to settle this, but we're pretty sure Necdet Yilmaz is a Klingon, and would probably fillet us with his bat'leth, so we're forced to fall back on our idea for a holiday product targeted at the Tea Party and militia types, "Palin on a Railin'." Unfortunately, this doll only really works if you have stairs in your house, and market research shows that our demographic prefers ramblers and double-wides.

Anyway, like the Pagan -- sorry, the Christian -- "Elf on a Shelf", the "Mensch on a Bench" also has a list of rules one must follow when deploying the doll.  (I'm beginning to think this whole Elf and Mensch thing is kind of a rip off of Gremlins.)

Like the Elf, the Mensch regulations require that one constantly move the doll, otherwise it's sciatica kicks in and it will be weeks before it can kneel at prayers.

Another rule involves giving the doll a Shamash Candle (which is always lit) to hold. Frankly, I think the creators of this "cute" Hanukkah tradition just want to watch the whole world burn, so if you get one, maybe play it safe and seat it next to your Batman plushie.

[Fundraiser explanation here]

Irv in Marketing Would Like a Second Draft

The Las Vegas Tourism Bureau's first attempt at a slogan was a little wordy.

Post-POST Friday Beast Blogging: OMFG What Is It?!

I, for one, do NOT welcome our arachnid overlords!

I really don't know what the hell this is.  Honestly.  I'm wishin', and hopin', and prayin', in my naive, small town gal kind of way, that it's just some Photoshop project that escaped from Fark. But I'm more than content to believe it's a candid shot of a dragonfly sodomizing a wolf spider -- partly because that would give Rick (Man on Dog) Santorum a fresh new mésalliance to fear, but particularly because the alternative is a world in which the rain not only brings earthworms out of the lawn, but aerodynamic tarantulas divebombing out of the sky!

Anyway...What do you guys think?

The Crappiest Place on Earth

(h/t electrospark)

Woah. In the early days, Disneyland looked like every other desolate, depressive, heat scorched, hellscape of a County Fair, except, perhaps, that the carnies' pants had more pleats, and fewer suspicious stains.

Show Us Your Halloween Costumes!

 The Real Housewives of the KKK gather for their first Halloween party.

MaryC's Fashion Minute

Finally! A shirt that depicts Homer Simpson copping a feel! Dreams really do come true!

This Week On BBC America...

A young Orphan Black celebrates Halloween.

Kraftabulous Abs!

Via our friends at Truth Wins Out, it seems that Kraft has produced an awesome print ad featuring, well...this:

Yowza!  That's not Kraft, that's Kraft-Ebing!

Predictably, OneMillionMoms have (or has, since I suspect it's One Mom sending out the same email a Million times) been overwhelmed with a titanic case of the vapors and are (is) encouraging the American people to "take action" in response to the ad. I completely agreed, until I realized MillionMom didn't mean it as a cute euphemism for masturbation. Nevertheless, they (she) have (has -- okay, I'll stop now) gone to all the trouble of writing out a handy-dandy form letter for us to get cranky with Kraft:

As a parent and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am highly offended by your company's decision to feature a nude model in your "Let's Get Zesty" ad campaign.  Your decision is disrespectful to me personally, and to my family. If Kraft continues to use such poor taste and inappropriate marketing choices, I will make a conscious effort to shop for products other than yours. 

Your current ad is soft porn, and I find it extremely offensive. It is also degrading and harmful to impressionable young men and women. Your 2-page ad resembles a centerfold! 

Kraft is pushing away loyal, conservative customers with this new ad campaign. I will not be able to buy Kraft dressings or any of your products until your company cleans up your advertising. The consumers you are attempting to attract – women and mothers - are the very ones you are driving away. Who will want Kraft products in their fridge or pantry if this vulgarity is what they represent?  

Currently, it is embarrassing to be associated with Kraft by owning their products. As a consumer, I urge you to no longer use sex to sell your products. Kraft is better than this and doesn't need to stoop so low to sell products. This disgusting advertising campaign needs to be discontinued immediately. I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

Well, this prefab email form-letter is just one big Mad Lib to me, so I altered it as I saw fit, then emailed it off right away:

As a parent of two cats and a delighted spectator of OneMillionMoms.com, I am highly offended by your company's decision to feature a nude model in your "Let's Get Zesty" ad campaign, because if there's one thing I despise it's false advertising, and clearly this man is only mostly nude, since his naughty bits are concealed beneath a convenient, if not improbable, triangle of gingham.  Still, despite this visual obstruction, it's not hard to imagine that somebody's got quite the Chicken in their Biskit (and when I say "chicken" I mean "rooster."  And when I say "rooster" I mean "cock.")  And while we're on the subject, what's the damn deal with that modesty panel in the picnic blanket?  The thing has four corners, plus a pie-shaped flap you can flip over your Claussen in the event you spot a photographer crouching in the tree above you?

Your decision is disrespectful to me personally, although my family seems to enjoy it (by which I mean my cat Riley has taken to rubbing the ad all over her face, repeatedly.  I can only assume you treated the page with the musky pheromones of a rampant male in full rut.  Still, it smells better than those perfume ads in Glamour -- and most of your products, now that I think about it.) If Kraft continues to use such poor taste and inappropriate marketing choices, I will make a conscious effort to ensure I'm alone in the house the next time I flip through a People magazine.

Your current ad is soft porn, and I find it extremely pointless, because I for one won't spring for Creamy Bleu Cheese until I see penetration!  I don't care how zesty your Italian is, although I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating Lunchables. On the other hand, your 2-page ad resembles a centerfold! Well Done!

Kraft is giving loyal, conservative customers unfamiliar and unwanted tingly feelings in their dank and mildewy nether regions, and now they will not be able to spread a thick blob of Miracle Whip on their Oscar Meyer Bologna without thinking about the Weinermobile pulling into a one-car garage.

The consumers you are attempting to attract – women and mothers - are the very ones who love this kind of advertising. I mean, who do you think is buying all those issues of Cosmopolitan ("Seven Sexy Secret Uses for Roquefort Dressing That'll Have Him Tossing Your Salad!")?  Who will want Kraft products in their fridge or pantry if this vulgarity is what they represent?  Probably people who don't look to a line of condiments for ecclesiastical advice on sexual morality (and whatever you do, don't seek a serious, long-lasting relationship with Kraft American Singles; the name alone says they're just looking to get laid).

This disgusting advertising campaign needs to be discontinued immediately and replaced with ads from earlier decades, when good corporate citizens like Kraft maintained high standards of public propriety, and only sold their non-dairy processed cheese substitute with pictures of naked chicks.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.  In the meantime, I'll be in my bunk.

The Hollywood Report With MaryC!

Dateline: Hoity-Toityville!

Grocery Store: Super Fancy!

Why: It was lunchtime and I went with a co-worker!

Who: Read on!

How: So, it was lunchtime at my new school, Shangri-La Elementary, and one of my new friends and fellow Second Grade Teacher wanted to go to Super Fancy Market (not it's real name, but hey, if they wanted a plug they could buy a damn Google ad) to grab lunch, and she asked me to go along.  

Well, we get there, and as soon as we enter the store, I see this old guy, pushing his grocery cart and I remarked to my friend, "Hey! From the back that guy looks exactly like an old Mark Harmon!"

Imagine my surprise as we checked out, and the old guy at the next register locked eyes with me, and it actually was Mark Harmon. And he knew what I was thinking!

Sorry, Mark!  Honestly, he looks really good, for being as horribly old as he is...Okay, he's only 61, but that's old in Hollywood, and he's married to Pam Dawber, which has got to age you.

 

"What do you mean, old? I use a hot oil treatment on the back of my head daily to make sure my cranium maintains a youthful and supple appearance.  Hmph!  Damn kids..."

So. There you have it. If you come to Los Angeles and want to see the stars, just ask and I'll be happy to take you to Super Fancy Market in Shangri-La Adjacent, sometime in the middle of the day, because that's apparently when all the old (yet still handsome) actors do their shopping for the week.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I should like to be in a Barber Shop Quartet...

You know what's fun? Coming up with your own captions for this pic!

So, if designing a Sanitary Napkin is not up your aisle, "Caption This" picture. 

I dare you.

Project Feminine Protection!

[Note:  We're holding a Beg-A-Thon to help restore our car to life, like Im-Ho-Tep in The Mummy (no, the good one, with Boris Karloff), so I can get to my new job at my new school, which I'm very excited about!  Full explanation here).]

Karloff:  Look upon thy countenance!
Zita Johann:  It's true...It's true!  I don't feel fresh!

Remember when my box of feminine sanitary napkins asked, "Do sharks know if you're on your period"?

Well, the dumb box never does give us the answer, and rather than leaving everyone who was as curious as I was about sharks and that "Time Of the Month" (TOM) hanging, I decided to go straight to the source:  ubykotex.com.  Turns out they didn't have the answer either. So, I'm guessing it was a rhetorical question.

But I found something even better!

 

That's right! You can design your own Sanitary Napkin!  Judging by the image above, it helps if you're Peter Max, but that's not strictly required, so here's mine:

 

I figured if you wore it while on TOM in the ocean, it might confuse the local sharks by convincing them you're already being attacked by one, thank you very much.  So they'd back off, out of professional courtesy.

Now, it's your turn! Click on this link:  Design Your Own SP!

After that, choose your product, use their tools or upload some photos and design away!  Email us your designs, and we'll post them here.