Thursday, June 13, 2013

Kraftabulous Abs!

Via our friends at Truth Wins Out, it seems that Kraft has produced an awesome print ad featuring, well...this:
Yowza!  That's not Kraft, that's Kraft-Ebing!

Predictably, OneMillionMoms have (or has, since I suspect it's One Mom sending out the same email a Million times) been overwhelmed with a titanic case of the vapors and are (is) encouraging the American people to "take action" in response to the ad. I completely agreed, until I realized MillionMom didn't mean it as a cute euphemism for masturbation. Nevertheless, they (she) have (has -- okay, I'll stop now) gone to all the trouble of writing out a handy-dandy form letter for us to get cranky with Kraft:
As a parent and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am highly offended by your company's decision to feature a nude model in your "Let's Get Zesty" ad campaign.  Your decision is disrespectful to me personally, and to my family. If Kraft continues to use such poor taste and inappropriate marketing choices, I will make a conscious effort to shop for products other than yours. 
Your current ad is soft porn, and I find it extremely offensive. It is also degrading and harmful to impressionable young men and women. Your 2-page ad resembles a centerfold! 
Kraft is pushing away loyal, conservative customers with this new ad campaign. I will not be able to buy Kraft dressings or any of your products until your company cleans up your advertising. The consumers you are attempting to attract – women and mothers - are the very ones you are driving away. Who will want Kraft products in their fridge or pantry if this vulgarity is what they represent?  
Currently, it is embarrassing to be associated with Kraft by owning their products. As a consumer, I urge you to no longer use sex to sell your products. Kraft is better than this and doesn't need to stoop so low to sell products. This disgusting advertising campaign needs to be discontinued immediately. I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.
Well, this prefab email form-letter is just one big Mad Lib to me, so I altered it as I saw fit, then emailed it off right away:

As a parent of two cats and a delighted spectator of OneMillionMoms.com, I am highly offended by your company's decision to feature a nude model in your "Let's Get Zesty" ad campaign, because if there's one thing I despise it's false advertising, and clearly this man is only mostly nude, since his naughty bits are concealed beneath a convenient, if not improbable, triangle of gingham.  Still, despite this visual obstruction, it's not hard to imagine that somebody's got quite the Chicken in their Biskit (and when I say "chicken" I mean "rooster."  And when I say "rooster" I mean "cock.")  And while we're on the subject, what's the damn deal with that modesty panel in the picnic blanket?  The thing has four corners, plus a pie-shaped flap you can flip over your Claussen in the event you spot a photographer crouching in the tree above you?

Your decision is disrespectful to me personally, although my family seems to enjoy it (by which I mean my cat Riley has taken to rubbing the ad all over her face, repeatedly.  I can only assume you treated the page with the musky pheromones of a rampant male in full rut.  Still, it smells better than those perfume ads in Glamour -- and most of your products, now that I think about it.) If Kraft continues to use such poor taste and inappropriate marketing choices, I will make a conscious effort to ensure I'm alone in the house the next time I flip through a People magazine.

Your current ad is soft porn, and I find it extremely pointless, because I for one won't spring for Creamy Bleu Cheese until I see penetration!  I don't care how zesty your Italian is, although I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating Lunchables. On the other hand, your 2-page ad resembles a centerfold! Well Done!

Kraft is giving loyal, conservative customers unfamiliar and unwanted tingly feelings in their dank and mildewy nether regions, and now they will not be able to spread a thick blob of Miracle Whip on their Oscar Meyer Bologna without thinking about the Weinermobile pulling into a one-car garage.

The consumers you are attempting to attract – women and mothers - are the very ones who love this kind of advertising. I mean, who do you think is buying all those issues of Cosmopolitan ("Seven Sexy Secret Uses for Roquefort Dressing That'll Have Him Tossing Your Salad!")?  Who will want Kraft products in their fridge or pantry if this vulgarity is what they represent?  Probably people who don't look to a line of condiments for ecclesiastical advice on sexual morality (and whatever you do, don't seek a serious, long-lasting relationship with Kraft American Singles; the name alone says they're just looking to get laid).

This disgusting advertising campaign needs to be discontinued immediately and replaced with ads from earlier decades, when good corporate citizens like Kraft maintained high standards of public propriety, and only sold their non-dairy processed cheese substitute with pictures of naked chicks.
I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.  In the meantime, I'll be in my bunk.

7 comments:

Li'l Innocent said...

Ah. At last a fake food ad I can get behind. Or, actually, in front of.

You know, MillionMom my dear, if this recumbent gentleman were wearing an ordinary bathing suit, which would probably reveal more of his necessaries in silhouette, as does practically every underwear ad in existence these days, you'd probably think nothing much of it. At least, I hope for the sake of your mental health you wouldn't.

KWillow said...

Is Miracle Whip "Velveeta" gone bad, or is it the other way around?

Weird Dave said...

"Seven Sexy Secret Uses for Roquefort Dressing That'll Have Him Tossing Your Salad!"

~~~ Golf Clap ~~~

Anonymous said...

Remember the old Meat Marketing Board ad slogan? "Get some pork on your fork!"

Carl said...

Seriously? This ad will make fat middle Americans families eat healthier?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I bet that lady doesn't eat much Velveeta. And how could she even carry a one pound package that is much larger than herself home from the store?
~

Frank said...

A total miss from the sanctimonious MM. There's scant difference from pictures of Jesus H languishing on the cross (a picture they no doubt have on their walls).