Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Farewell, Doghouse Riley

Indiana blogger Doug Masson reports the devastating news that Doghouse Riley, the Hoosier Sage, passed away on Saturday.  I'm at a loss for words tonight, which would not have impressed Mr. Riley, and if I want to be honest (I don't, but it seems like the time for it), impressing Doghouse was one of the hoped-for goals whenever I'd sit down to write a post.  His comments were usually funnier, and invariably pithier, but I always took particular pride in the messages he approved.

DR's real name was Douglas Case, but aside from that, and a few minor biographical details that leaked into our occasional correspondence, I didn't know much more about him than he chose to reveal on his own blog.  But I knew he could write -- something which was obvious to anyone who read his posts and comments -- and hey, a soupçon of literary mystique never hurt B. Traven.  Perhaps the biggest mystery (or maybe, considering the state of the modern media, just the greatest injustice) is why people like David Brooks and Ross Douthat had sinecures at the New York Times, and Doghouse didn't.

He was a master of the mot juste, able to poleaxe either a national brand punditaster* or a comment thread troll with a single deft blow, as though he'd spent his entire career working on a particularly urbane kill floor.  He was a sly purveyor of praeteritio and a puncturer of apodictic certainty.  And above all else, he was a gentleman, who didn't assume that history began when he was born, who always referred to s.z. as "our hostess," and who never walked past a question-beggar without dropping a fistful of whoop-ass in his or her tin cup.

Here's a link to his obituary in the newspaper he loved to hate, the Indianapolis Star.  In lieu of flowers, the family suggests that memorial contributions be made to the American Heart Association.

By a strange but happy coincidence (and I'll take whatever happiness I can get at this miserable moment), I was updating the archives last week, adding World O' Crap posts from our old domain that were salvaged by the Internet Wayback Machine (thanks, Chris V), and pausing frequently to reread Doghouse's comments.  He was an O.G. Crapper, one of the first and most eloquent admirers of Sheri's original Salon blog, and I regret that the earliest of his comments were lost, like tears in the rain.  But he graced us with his wit and wisdom many times over the past ten years, and once the shock has worn off, I'll post some of the more piquant quips, aphorisms, and epigrams I can find.  Until then, please consider this an open thread to share your tributes and memories of the Hoosier Sage.

R.I.P. Mr. Riley.

UPDATE:  Roy,  Ivan, Charlie Pierce and Scott Supak remember Doghouse.

*One of my favorite Riley neologisms.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The We Haz Hobbies Edition

RILEY:  Am I ruling the world?  No.  Am I suddenly an airline tray table?  Yes.
Something...somewhere along the line...has gone horribly wrong.

MOONDOGGIE:  Hey there.  This is my contribution to that thing everyone's doing about guys posing like pin-up girls...Sorry it turned out so sexy -- I realize that undercuts your meme...Wasn't intentional.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Happy Birthday, Heydave!

Today's the natal anniversary of our friend from Real America, Heydave, and the corn is as high as an elephant's...well...testicles, I assume, since the FAQ of the Iowa Corn Growers Association tells me that corn isn't usually harvested until October.

I see that Australian actress Rose Byrne was also born on this day, as was American comedienne Ruth Buzzi.  Naturally, as a loyal American I'm inclined to root for the home team, but I will not be accused of jingoism, so let's visit Google and allow its magisterial impartiality to decide which of these accomplished women will get the coveted Wo'C Birthday Glamour Shot.

Okay...Hm.  Well, according to Google Image Search, the Internet is currently well supplied with cheesecake-style photos of Rose Byrne, while the request "Ruth Buzzi sexy" returned results that were so rare I'm surprised Goldman Sachs hasn't bought all the pictures to store in a warehouse in order to artificially inflate Ruth Buzzi porn prices.  Of course, now that big investment banking money is involved, this whole thing could be an elaborate set-up; it's entirely possible Google faked its results to help Goldman manipulate the commodities market, giving them both the opportunity buy Buzzi low and sell high -- unfortunately, I lack the math skills to argue with an algorithm, so it looks like we'll just have to take it and like it.
Trust No One.

I just don't feel right about this.  Heydave is a simple man of the soil, a guileless Heartlander, and he deserves better than being drawn by a sexy flash of thigh into some dark scheme to defraud the porn futures market.  Let's find him a girl as decent and wholesome as he is, shall we?  A girl who shares his deeply held values and traditions.  A girl from....

Please join me in wishing Heydave a very happy birthday.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Happy Birthday Preznit!

Don't set your browser to hide images this year, my friend, because we've posted a picture that is not only not Ann Coulter, but has been scientifically proven to repel Ann Coulter, like a kind of cheesecake Rain-X.
Here's your horoscope, brought to you our sponsor, Smoldering Ava Gardner® ("When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Smoke in Bed!")
Hard working, capable, and mostly disciplined, you are a person
So if this is one of those birthdays spent taking personal inventory, and among the many questions you're struggling with is whether you're a monotreme, bat, treeshrew, or some other order of mammal, relax -- CafeAstrology confirms your personhood, and, in fact, is currently pushing an amendment to that effect through the Texas State Legislature.
With the Sun and Moon in a waxing semi-square at the time of your birthday
...the floor is extremely slippery, which is why this year we're limiting party activities to semi-square dancing. Also, instead of the usual full circle, we'll be using the half-moon formation for the Hokey Pokey, and asking that participants, in the interests of safety, do not shake it all about.
The year ahead is likely to be a more stable one than last year. You are less impulsive and rebellious this year.
Father Flanagan says you're almost ready to leave Boys Town.
A Saturn transit to your Sun ends shortly after this birthday year begins
Unless you refill your Metrocard.  And don't forget to change at Uranus.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I Just Pictured The Vikings As A Bit More Butch

When we last saw plucky investigative journalist Gina Miller, she was going undercover to expose the International Lesbian Conspiracy to serve fruit punch and potato salad at the Museum of Agriculture and Forestry in Jackson, Mississippi.  Today she's hot on the trail of the crypto-homosexual content in SkyMall.
"How is everything?  Gay enough for you?"
Iceland is a homosexual role model for America?
I guess that depends how homosexuals feel about horsemeat and liquid cheese.
"Liberal & Proud," Ellen Ratner, writing at WorldNetDaily, paints just about the rosiest picture you can imagine of a country that fully embraces the deviancy of homosexuality and the perversion of the definition of marriage.
How do they stomach it?  Well, let's remember, Icelanders are a robust people who've been tempered and toughed by a harsh climate, a remote and isolated environment, and a lifetime of wearing extremely itchy wool sweaters.
"You think the sight of two dudes kissing can irritate me?  I'm not even wearing a t-shirt under this thing!"
She tells all about the fun and wonderful things she experienced there, beginning with the in-flight magazine she saw that showed a picture of two men in tuxedos with rainbow umbrellas accompanying an article titled, "Iceland for All."
[Insert Dramatic Prairie Dog here]
After recounting some of the nice things she saw while in Iceland, she states: 
It is against this backdrop of supporting the individual that gays and lesbians flourish in the society. Gay Pride, which takes place every August, has been known to draw more than 50,000 people to its streets, and most of them are part of the non-gay population of Iceland. The in-flight magazine noted that the straight mayor of Reykjavik was on a float dressed in drag! 
What a sign of modern "accomplishment" to have your male mayor dress up like a woman and flaunt it in your "gay pride" display!
Well, she didn't say the mayor was male, only that he or she was in drag, so it's entirely possible that Reykjavik's municipal chief executive is George Sand.  
Or Rudy Giuliani.
People have to be nice to each other because, in a country where there are just 330,000 or so people, you have to learn to get along. Rancor and political rage just don't cut it here, and neither does prejudice because of someone's being different than the mainstream. 
Of course, Ms. Ratner is dead-wrong in her claim that opponents of the radical homosexual agenda are acting out of "prejudice because of someone's being different than the mainstream."
On the contrary, they are animated by a heartfelt and selfless urge to protect America from divine wrath, which expresses itself through the eruption of an unpronounceable volcano, and is usually triggered by a Norseman slipping on a wig and a pair of Spanx.
"Crap.  Looks like the Mayor's doing his Carol Channing bit again."
But, putting that aside for the moment, the "politeness" of the citizens of Iceland may have to do, in part, with the fact that it is one of the more armed populations in the world, with around 30 percent of the citizens owning guns. Iceland ranks 15th among 178 nations in the rate of private gun ownership, and it has a very low gun death and murder rate. Guns in the hands of law-abiding people tend to make a very polite society.
Well, Iceland is tied with Germany for 15th place, but the U.S. is Number One!  And yet we have a very high rate of gun death and murder (based on recent Florida case law, however, some people who were previously classified as "murder victims" are now considered perpetrators who can be charged with "unlawfully interfering with the flight of a bullet").  More to the point, our stats are particularly impressive when you compare us to Iceland:

And we're a famously rude people to boot, so guns may not be quite the panacea for discourtesy as Gina seems to think. 
"Excuse me!  Do you have any Grey Poupon?"
Another reason for the "politeness" is likely the fact that, despite official claims to the contrary, freedom of speech does not exist in Iceland. The country has imposed "hate speech" laws on its people, so there is no vocal opposition allowed against the behavior of homosexuals or the shredding of marriage.
So if I'm reading your complaint correctly, Gina, you're saying that America would be as nice and polite a place to live as Iceland, if only assholes like you were required to shut up.  I have to admit, it's a convincing thesis.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Where's The Equalizer When You Need Him?" Edition

RILEY:  (Sigh)  I can't believe this...

RILEY:  He's in my chair!  Again!

RILEY:  Hey!  Biped!  Get him out of my--

RILEY:  Oh.  There you are.

RILEY:  Would you look at that?  Now he's just flaunting it...!

RILEY:  This sucks.  I'm too depressed to even puke a furball into your dress shoes that you won't find till your birthday...

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Okay, But Only If We Can Do It With The Lights Off

The other day, WO'C correspondent Bill S., who has a nose for this kind of thing, discovered a wingnut site I'd never seen before -- PolitiChicks (The Voice Of The Conservative Woman") -- and, as might be expected, it's nuttier than Mr. Peanut's ballsack.  But one post in particular caught Bill's eye, a post which may launch an entirely new genre of superhero comics, movies, and TV shows:
PolitiChicks Picks: The Hottest Conservative Supermen in America
The article was written (or perhaps "curated" might be a better word) by Ann-Marie Murrell, who was also unfamiliar to me.  Let's check her bio:
"She is one of the go-to Conservative reporters in Los Angeles"
Oh, that's why I've never heard of her.  It's a bit like saying "She's one of the leading Manishewitz distributors in Mecca."
Ann-Marie has conducted exclusive interviews with Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, Lt. Col. Allen West, Newt Gingrich, Frank Gaffney, and was one of the last reporters to interview the late Andrew Breitbart.
Granted, it was several weeks after he died, but post mortem question-and-answer sessions are a lot easier now that there's a Ouija app for the iPad.

Judging the pageant along with Ms. Murrell is Dr. Gina Loudon.  World O' Crap readers may remember "Dr." Loudon as the St. Louis-based talk radio host who was ejected from the Missouri Tea Party because Dana Loesch thought she was too crazy.  Even more remarkable was her feat of earning both a Masters and a Ph.D in a single year -- 2011-- from distance learning diploma mill Fielding Graduate University.  (Not that this is a peculiarly distinguishing characteristic -- there are so many right wingers buying online degrees and calling themselves "Doctor" nowadays that I'm about ready to pitch a remake of Norma Rae, with Sandra Bullock as a reluctant blue collar heroine who inspires exploited diploma mill workers to strike.)

As you can see from the Dutch Angle of her headshot, "Dr." Loudon is also known for her impersonations of Ceiling Cat and every other Special Guest Villain on the old Batman TV series.  But more from her later.

Bachelorette Number 3 is a former star of Dallas, and current Townhall wingnut, Morgan Brittany.  Bachelorette Number 4 is "Movie producer of Runaway Slave ('A perpetual state of welfare exists in the U.S., creating a form of modern slavery for a large percentage of African-Americans...'), Hating Breitbart (Starring Orson Bean!) and Executive Producer of our studio shows, Beverly Zaslow."

Next up is another fresh face here at World O' Crap: Scottie Nell Hughes, News Director for TPNN (the Tea Party News Network -- who knew?).  She's also a "writer for TownHall Finance & frequent Fox News political commentator."  Ms. Hughes, clearly a serious and accomplished journalist, appears to have been photographed as she was falling backward in her chair at some fancy fundraising dinner, yet all the while remaining poised and making determined love to the camera.

Our final Bachelorette is Tabitha Hale, who has taken time out from being a character in a Danielle Steele novel to join this distinguished panel of judges. Tabitha is "Managing editor of, writer for multiple major conservative sites & social media queen."  And while all this sounds impressive on a purely professional level, Ms. Hale has valuable personal experience with objectification as well; if you check her bio, you'll see that she was "recently named one of 'The 50 Hottest People in Online Politics“ by Business Insider."  So I think we can all agree that her qualifications for evaluating high-temperature ubermenschen are impeccable.

And yet, despite the fact that I had never heard of her before today, something about Tabith strikes me as somehow...I don't know...overexposed.

Anyway, let's hear how our lovely contestants were chosen:
Of course because we’re women of substance, our list requirements are based on:
#1. Intelligence. These guys are brilliant.
#2. Courage. They aren’t afraid to stand up to challenges, speak the truth and fight for our country.
#3: Passion (See above)
#4: Sense of humor. Self-deprecating gets you extra points.
#5: Looks. This can be either conventionally handsome or someone who simply exudes sexiness.
Okay, then.  First category is "Top 15 Hottest Conservative Men in New Media," and contains such familiar faces as Jonah Goldberg, Glenn Reynolds, Joseph Farah and Doug Giles.
First Runner-Up goes to John Hawkins of Right Wing News, who is seen here...
...showing Stephen Colbert that it's perfectly possible to pose like this, and have it not look fuunny!

You know what?  I don't actually think I can make it through the entire pageant -- let's just skim the next few categories...

Top 14 Hottest Conservative Supermen Authors contains more of the usual suspects... well as Glenn Beck, the (Former Virgin) Ben Shapiro, and online crossdresser John Lott, all good, solid wingnut names. But Number 14 is the vaguely made up-sounding Dr. Dathan Paterno, whose inclusion on this list, I'm willing to bet, is due entirely to the intercession of Dr. Gina Loudon, with whom Dr. Paterno wrote a book.  (WO'C readers may remember the good doctor from this post, in which he advanced the theory that feminists don't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they remind them of penis-in-vagina sex.)

Top 10 Hottest Conservative Supermen in Radio category hits the expected high notes:

Along with the marquee names, though, is one that's new to me: Fingers Malloy.
Nice smirk, decent Mohawk, but I'm not gonna just take his bona fides on faith.  Let's check Google for a bio...
Okey doke, then. That last line seems to say it all...

Finally, the action, already steamy, takes a decidedly kinky turn with the Top 15 Overall Hottest Conservative Supermen in America competition, which includes such eye candy as Louis Gohmert

And Andrew Klavan...
You know, this may be the first orgy in history to consist entirely of pity fucks.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

New And Improved DC Scandal! Now With Murder! And Flavor Crystals!

I'm beginning to suspect that most right-wing bloggers were Boy Scouts in their youth (back, I'm sure they'd hasten to interject, before the BSA went all gay).  Not because I can picture any one of them hiking through the wilderness, belting out "The Happy Wanderer," but rather because, when it comes to public tragedies that might be turned to personal advantage, they invariably practice the motto, "Be Prepared."

Yesterday we saw where Alan "Brazil Wax" Caruba proved, through geometric logic, that a Not Guilty verdict in the Zimmerman trial will result in Blacks going on a genocidal rampage against Whites.  Today, we find Roger L. Simon's Feetie Media and frozen TV dinner heir Tucker Carlson's DailyCaller...
(Motto: "We Are To News As This Shit Is To Cuisine")

...hedging their bets with a hot new angle.  Judicial Watch has (reportedly) gotten ahold of some (allegedly) damning documents which (ostensibly) show that the Justice Department sent two officers from its Community Relations Service (or, as JW calls them, "secret 'peacekeepers'") down to Sanford, Flordia just as tensions were coming to a boil.  The two-person team apparently worked with city government, activist groups, and local police to mediate disputes and prevent protests from turning violent.  Or, as Simon's Dr. Denton Daily puts it, Newly Released Documents Detail the Department of Justice’s Role in Organizing Trayvon Martin Protests, while Tucker's frozen shit on a shingle goes with the more demure Docs: Justice Department facilitated anti-Zimmerman protests.

So it looks like the right bloggers have it covered.  If Zimmerman is acquitted, then he deserved to go free because he was the victim not the perpetrator, but Black people will take out their rage against White people anyway, making us all victims (or Spartacus).  If Zimmerman is convicted, it's only because the DOJ sent undercover agents provocateur to gin up protests and pressure police to arrest an innocent White man for the crime of standing his ground against a racist Black man armed with Skittles.  No matter what the outcome, they're the victims.  It's two persecutions in one, the Certs of self-pity.

John Hinderaker at Powerline asks, DID THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE STIR UP TRAYVON MARTIN RIOTS?, while Instapundit Glenn Reynolds is so incensed he can't even manage to croak out a token "heh" or "indeed":
RACIAL HATEMONGERING ON THE TAXPAYER’S DIME: Newly Released Documents Detail the Department of Justice’s Role in Organizing Trayvon Martin Protests. “Judicial Watch announced today that it has obtained documents proving that the Department of Justice played a major behind-the-scenes role in organizing protests against George Zimmerman. Zimmerman is on trial for second-degree murder in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin in February 2012.” 
So not only did we have a public statement by the President that might have tainted the jury pool, but now we find the Department of Justice was involved in, basically, organizing a lynch mob?
Yikes.  So what did these DOJ agit-prop specialists do down in Sanford, aside from cultivating an orchard full of strange fruit?  I guess we should first take a peek at the Community Relations Service mission statement to see what they were supposed to be doing:
The Community Relations Service is the Department's "peacemaker" for community conflicts and tensions arising from differences of race, color, and national origin. Created by the Civil Rights Act of 1964, CRS is the only Federal agency dedicated to assist State and local units of government, private and public organizations, and community groups with preventing and resolving racial and ethnic tensions, incidents, and civil disorders, and in restoring racial stability and harmony. 
With passage of the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, CRS also works with communities to employ strategies to prevent and respond to alleged violent hate crimes committed on the basis of actual or perceived race, color, national origin, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion or disability. CRS facilitates the development of viable, mutual understandings and agreements as alternatives to coercion, violence, or litigation. It also assists communities in developing local mechanisms, conducting training, and other proactive measures to prevent racial/ethnic tension and violent hate crimes committed on the basis of actual or perceived race, color, national origin, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, or disability. CRS does not take sides among disputing parties and, in promoting the principles and ideals of non-discrimination, applies skills that allow parties to come to their own agreement. In performing this mission, CRS deploys highly skilled professional conciliators, who are able to assist people of diverse backgrounds.
Emphasis added. Okay, Judicial Watch, what were they really up to?
Though CRS purports to spot and quell racial tensions nationwide before they arise, the documents obtained by Judicial Watch show the group actively worked to foment unrest, spending thousands of taxpayer dollars on travel and hotel rooms to train protestors throughout Florida.
Not that I don't take your word for it, JW, but I'd like to see that expense account line item for "fomenting unrest."
The peacekeepers also met with officials of the Republican National Convention, scheduled for several months later in Tampa, to warn them to expect protests in connection with Martin’s death.
Granted, it would have been more entertaining if the protests had caught GOP conventioneers completely by surprise, and probably made for much a funnier YouTube video.
  • CRS employee spent $1,142.84 to travel to Sanford, Florida from March 25-28, 2012 “to work marches, demonstrations, and rallies”;
Well, given that there were pro-Zimmerman, NRA-assisted counter demonstrators present, and passions were running hot on both sides, having the advice of a disinterested third party with experience in peacefully managing public demonstrations might actually have been beneficial. 

But let's take a look at that outrageous figure, $1,142.84 for a two-person, four-day trip to Florida.  Judging by a glance at Expedia, flights from DC to Orlando-Sanford run anywhere from $200 - $400 per person roundtrip, but let's be optimistic and call it $400 total.  Two hotel rooms -- call that $200 a day -- so assume $600 if they stayed 3 nights.  Rental car would run anywhere from $30 to $68 dollars a day, and more if they got two cars in order to split up to cover different meetings and events, but call it $100 total.  Now let's be brutally frugal and give them a $20 per diem, and another $10 per day for gas, for an additional $130.

Crap, we're $87.16 in the red.  I hope one of those guys had a Triple A or AARP discount card.
  • CRS employee spent $751.60 to travel to Sanford, Florida from March 30-April 1, 2012 “to provide technical assistance to the City of Sanford, event organizers, and law enforcement agencies for the march and rally on March 31”;
So they were training the protestors how to manage the police, and the police how to manage the protestors.  It's almost like the Justice Department wanted all the YouTube videos to turn out crappy and boring.
  • CRS employee spent $1,307.40 to travel to Sanford, Florida from April 3-12, 2012 “to provide technical assistance, conciliation, and onsite mediation during demonstrations planned in Sanford”;
Wait -- this time the CRS team was in town for ten days, but they spent over than a hundred dollars less than the first trip?  Either they were getting mad frequent flyer miles, or they'd made friends and were crashing on the local lynch mob's couch.
In response to a Florida Sunshine Law request to the City of Sanford, Judicial Watch also obtained an audio recording of a “community meeting” held at Second Shiloh Missionary Baptist Church in Sanford on April 19, 2012. The meeting, which opens with a gospel hymn and organ music...
Admittedly, those aren't sounds we associate with Black people preparing to riot, although they do often precede White people bombing a church.
Local government officials noticed the Department of Justice’s efforts in building “bridges of understanding” in Sanford. 
“Congratulations to our partners, Thomas Battles, Regional Director, and Mildred De Robles, Miami-Dade Coordinator and their co-workers at the U.S. Department of Justice Community Relations Service for their outstanding and ongoing efforts to reduce tensions and build bridges of understanding and respect in Sanford, Florida,” wrote Amy Carswell, Miami-Dade County Community Relations Board Program Officer, in an April 16 email.
Emphasis added.  Well, that sure makes it sound like the CRS had come down south to stir up trouble.  And folks down in those parts know how to handle Yankee agitators...unfortunately, the DOJ bought up all the good lynchin' rope (see line item #12: 50-ft. of Manilla cordage, $31.84).

Hey, I just realized...if Zimmerman is acquitted, and the predicted unrest doesn't occur, then right-bloggers can justifiably claim the credit.  Now that they've unmasked the DOJ's secret teams of peacekeeping riot-inciters, Eric Holder wouldn't dare issue the "go-code" (thanks to Judicial Watch, we now know that potential rioters were instructed to watch Obama's post-verdict press conference and start burning down their own neighborhoods the instant the President began to "talk" the lyrics to "Disco Inferno").  Finally -- after "Fast and Furious" and Benghazi, and the IRS scandals all fizzled out -- the perfect expose.  Hope none of you guys bet the over on Impeachment.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Hot Caruba Wax!

You may remember Alan Caruba, a former "PR counselor" for pesticide manufacturers and chemical company trade associations, and a waxy substance derived from the leaves of the Copernicia prunifera plant.  In addition to giving your car a weatherproof glossy shine, Alan likes to keep his hand in the bullshit business by writing for RenewAmerica, and is such a deft practitioner of unrighteous indignation that he's been interviewed on The Daily Show, and extensively quoted in Roy's latest Village Voice column.

So what's got this Pro-Am prevaricator's lips moving?  The likelihood that a Not Guilty verdict in the Zimmerman trial will result in government-sponsored rioting by Black people (the Obama White House will deny any such agitation, of course, but the connection will become obvious when looters are caught receiving their Presidential Physical Fitness awards for running the length of the Best Buy parking lot while carrying a hefty big screen TV).

As you can see, Alan's column is headed by a photo of Jamie Fox...

...even though he's mentioned nowhere in the article.  I suspect Mr. Fox was included here because he is an Angry Black Man seen sporting a Trayvon T-shirt, and obviously enraged that his award looks like one of those gag trophies you buy in the Pro Shop of a public golf course.  There is, regrettably, no transcript of the BET event, but he appears to be inciting the crowd to "bring down the Man" by ordering a second glass of motherfucking iced tea, even though the Prix Fixe menu clearly states "No Refills."
White people have largely made their peace with the changes that were initiated with the Civil Rights Act that Lyndon B. Johnson signed in 1964 in the wake of the Kennedy assassination.
It was unfair of LBJ to sneak civil rights legislation through Congress while White Americans were so busy remembering where they were when they first heard that Kennedy had been shot that they briefly forgot to keep Jim Crow on a constant simmer, and you have to give them credit for letting bygones be bygones.
Race has always been a factor in American life dating back to the importation of the first slaves to the colony of Jamestown, Virginia in 1619. One of America's leading historians, Thomas Fleming recently had a new book published, "A Disease in the Public Mind: Why We Fought the Civil War,"
...the thesis of which seems to be that New England hurt the South's feelings, so it decided to have slaves.  From the Amazon product description:  "By the time John Brown hung from the gallows for his crimes at Harper’s Ferry, Northern abolitionists had made him a 'holy martyr' in their campaign against Southern slave owners. This Northern hatred for Southerners long predated their objections to slavery. They were convinced that New England, whose spokesmen had begun the American Revolution, should have been the leader of the new nation. Instead, they had been displaced by Southern 'slavocrats' like Thomas Jefferson. This malevolent envy exacerbated the South’s greatest fear: a race war. Jefferson’s cry, 'We are truly to be pitied,' summed up their dread."
In the years immediately preceding the war, the calls for the abolition of slavery increased at the same time white southerners had spent decades gripped with growing fears of being killed by the slaves who vastly outnumbered them.
I cite this bit of history because I keep hearing the question "If Zimmerman is acquitted of killing Trayvon Martin, will there be race riots?"
Granted, I'm not in Alan's social orbit, but I wonder just where he keeps hearing this question -- in his Iron John drum circle?   His neo-Confederate grief counseling group, perhaps at their Thursday night primal scream workshop?  Or is this query endlessly repeatedly inside his own skull -- not because he's obsessed or crazy, but simply because the acoustics are better in there.
Like the southerners of old, whites, Hispanics and others today are concerned about black violence.
In the interests of racial profiling, white southerners are allowing Hispanics into their coalition on a Day Pass (please remember to return your temporary I.D. badge to the Security Desk as you exit), sort of how Hitler declared the Japanese Honorary Aryans.
Taking 1964 as a starting point, there were seven race riots that year, three of them in my home state, with others in Philadelphia, Rochester, New York, and Chicago. The famed Watts riot occurred in 1965.
Taking 1964 as a starting point allows us to pare history down to a manageable size by eliminating those halcyon days when race riots, like the NBA, were primarily a white man's game.
Riots continued in 1966, 1967, and most actively in 125 cities in 1968 following the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
What a weird coincidence!  You'd think if a Black exponent of non-violent resistance was brutally murdered by a White man at a time of great social tension, peace would suddenly break out like pimples on an 8th grader.
In 2011 I reviewed a book by Colin Flaherty, "'White Girl Bleed A Lot' – The Return of Race Riots to America." Flaherty stated that "Race riots are back...
...and Garson's got them!
...along with widespread racial crime and violence." He documented these episodes, noting in particular that "local media and public officials are silent...this denies the obvious: America is the most race conscious society in the world. Few know about it (the violence). Fewer still are talking about it." 
Because if there's one thing Americans disdain, it's juicy crime stories.  This is undoubtedly why CourtTV focuses exclusively on parking violations in prime time, because moving violations are considered too sensational.
In October the sixth edition of his book will be published by WND Books. When I asked him whether the fear of racial riots after the verdict in the Zimmerman trial is rendered were justified, Flaherty replied that "I have not noticed anyone saying if Zimmerman is acquitted there will NOT be a riot."
"Sure, they haven't succeeded in not disproving my negative, but they also failed to not deny it!  And why haven't they not done it?  Nobody won't even refuse to ask."

On a more scholarly note, I haven't read Mr. Flaherty's book and I don't intend to, because Alex Pareene did it for me.
A visit to Flaherty's website confirms his observations regarding violent attacks.
While a visit to our website confirms my observations regarding Alan being an idiot.  Can't argue with the Self-Correcting Blogosphere.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Crude Awakening

By Keith, WOC's "Suck. On. This." Correspondent.
(Reuters) - At least five people died and 40 were missing on Sunday after a runaway train carrying crude oil exploded and destroyed the center of a small Canadian town</a> in a disaster that raises fresh questions about shipping oil by rail. 
The train had been hauling crude from North Dakota to eastern Canada, and was parked, without a driver, outside town when it began rolling downhill, gathering speed and derailing on a curve at 1 a.m. on Saturday. 
Each tanker carried 30,000 gallons (113,000 liters) of crude oil. Four cars caught fire and exploded in a huge orange and black fireball that mushroomed hundreds of feet into the air and flattened dozens of buildings, including a popular bar.

Readers, if you think the purpose of this post is to argue for or against the continued construction of  that pipeline, think again.

Our feature today is America's greatest intellectual wanking 'tard. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present Mr. Thomas Friedman? Hip-hip, chin-chin?
("Oh?" you say. "Mr. Friedman needs no introduction." Bob Hope said something similar to Jack Benny way back when. My bad.)
A Good Question 
An e-mail came in the other day with a subject line that I couldn't ignore. It was from the oil economist Phil Verleger, and it read: "Should the United States join OPEC?" That I had to open.
Well, it was an email, Tommy, and surely didn't contain ricen.
Verleger’s basic message was that the knee-jerk debate we’re again having over who is responsible for higher oil prices fundamentally misses huge changes that have taken place in America’s energy output, making us again a major oil and gas producer — and potential exporter — with an interest in reasonably high but stable oil prices.
We love your forecast. "Reasonably high but stable." Please continue ...
From one direction, he says, we’re seeing the impact of the ethanol mandate put in place by President George W. Bush, which established fixed quantities of biofuels to be used in gasoline.
Tom, that ethanol makes my Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 backfire on the long driveway from my palatial Catskills estate. But I get good highway mileage. A wash, perhaps?
When this is combined with improved vehicle fuel economy — in July, the auto industry agreed to achieve fleet averages of more than 50 miles per gallon by 2025 — it will inevitably drive down demand for gasoline and create more surplus crude to export.
Then again, demand may rise because of higher fuel efficiency standards. Drivers might be encouraged to get the most of out their tank-full.
Add to that, says Verleger, “the increase in oil production from offshore fields and unconventional sources in America,” and that exportable U.S. surplus could grow even bigger. 
Then, add the recent discoveries of natural gas deposits all over America, which will allow us to substitute gas for coal at power plants and become a natural gas exporter as well. Put it all together, says Verleger, and you can see why America “will want to consider joining with other energy-exporting countries, like those in OPEC, to sustain high oil prices.
Tom, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm already smoking herb just to get through this thicket of wonk-speak, where there are already disturbing signs of "Tar-Baby" status awaiting your readers. And yet already you're asking me to do three "add" operations plus a sum. Why do you always make us push the stack this way?
Indeed, Bloomberg News reported last week that “the U.S. is the closest it has been in almost 20 years to achieving energy self-sufficiency. ... Domestic oil output is the highest in eight years. The U.S. is producing so much natural gas that, where the government warned four years ago of a critical need to boost imports, it now may approve an export terminal.” As a result, “the U.S. has reversed a two-decade-long decline in energy independence, increasing the proportion of demand met from domestic sources over the last six years to an estimated 81 percent through the first 10 months of 2011.” This transformation could make the U.S. the world’s top energy producer by 2020, raise more tax revenue, free us from worrying about the Middle East, and, if we’re smart, build a bridge to a much cleaner energy future.
Update: Tom's just registered a Kickstarter drive to build the Supertrain to Siberia.

All of this is good news, but it will come true at scale only if these oil and gas resources can be extracted in an environmentally sustainable manner. This can be done right, but we need a deal between environmentalists and the oil and gas industry to lock it in — now.
The Oracle of Friedman has spoken thus: no need to consider erring on the side of caution. Lube up the drill and stick it in baby! Let's go full-throttle.
No one likes higher oil prices. But — perversely — the high price benefits America as we rapidly become a bigger oil producer and it ensures that investments will continue to flow into energy efficient cars and trucks. If we were smart, we would establish today a floor price for any barrel of crude oil or gallon of gasoline sold or imported into America — and tax anything below it. A stable, sufficiently high floor price serves the environment, our technology investments and our energy productivity. As our producers succeed, we would become increasingly energy self-sufficient, keep a lot more dollars at home for our Treasury, stimulate innovation on renewables and drive down the global oil price that is the sole source sustaining Iran and other petro-dictators.
Who would have imagined? Price controls from a free-marketeer. Tom, you said that the first volume of "Das Kapital" from Viking was on your bookshelf because you wanted to learn about commodity trades ... in my opinion you are veering off the highway here. The last POTUS to get away with this type of market interference in such a spectacular fashion was Richard M. Nixon.

The weird thing is, this whole article is about gas prices, and it's the one time when Friedman's inside dope didn't come from a Random But Convenient Cab Driver.  Anyway, I don't recommend getting out of the boat, but Tommy's got more for Big Thoughts if you're in a mood to abandon ship.  Or All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

[The Grey Lady is under a lame-ass paywall. If you are using the Firefox, Chrome or Opera browsers, there is a feature called "incognito browsing" and if it works properly on your device this will display the article. Right click, choose "open in new incognito window" or similar instructions.]

Thanks for reading. Peace.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

OK. I'll Admit It...

Uncle Sam is a horrible movie and should never be selected by a panel of impartial judges to represent the solemnity of our nation's founding, nor the ensuing Beer-, Bratwurst-, and Black Cat Fireworks-fueled celebration that is the  Fourth of July.

Luckily, tonight we are watching one of the best movies to ever represent the awesomeness of Independence Day (in other words, not Independence Day):

(Beast Blogging below)

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Unsolicited Assistance Edition

RILEY:  Alright.  Here goes.  From now on, I'm gonna be dainty as hell.

MOONDOGGIE:  Z-Z-Z-z-z-zuh?  Did I just hear...daintiness?

MOONDOGGIE:  Hey!  You being dainty over there?
RILEY:  Ignore him...Game face...Game face...!

MOONDOGGIE: What?  I'm helping!  I'm like...her life coach.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Tomb of the Undead Soldier

Basically, I just wanted to find an appropriate holiday movie that wasn't ID4 or Born on the Fourth of July, so I asked Google, and Google came running back all excited like a puppy and goes, "You need to watch this!" And I go, "Ohhh, I don't think so, Google--" and it goes, "You totally do!  It's from 1996, and it stars P.J. Soles from Rock 'n' Roll High School and Isaac Hayes from Truck Turner, and the title character is played by David 'Shark' Fralick!"

And I said, "I'm pretty sure that's actually not a recommendation--" but Google wasn't really listening, because it was giving me this kind of shrewd, thoughtful look, then it said, "You should put 'Shark' in the middle of your name!  It'd make you look taller!"

And I couldn't really argue with that, so fine -- here's our movie for tonight..  Happy Fourth of July, Y'all!

James Lewis Carroll

James Lewis ("a scientist by trade, [who] carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly") is back, this time using Science to prove that the President is one'a them deviated preverts.
Dangerous Times: Obama's Perversity 
In economics, a "perverse effect" means getting what you don't want. If McDonald's makes an executive decision to sell lousy burgers
We call that a "business plan" or "mission statement."
and ends up bankrupt, that is a perverse decision. Markets are tough on companies that act perversely
Granted, it's tough love (the Markets will still have sex with a perverse company, but they'll donkeypunch it for coming up with the McDLT).
but the Amazonian jungle of government allows perverse incentives to flourish and spread.
But thanks to slash and burn agriculture, 1½ acres of perverse incentives are destroyed in the Amazon every second.
Chicago is basically a one-party regime.
At least, that's what Carl Sandburg called it, after "Hog Butcher for the World," "Stacker of Wheat," and "Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action," (which would have been the municipal motto, except it sounds really dirty in Latin).
How can you tell if you're living under one-party rule? Your media aren't going to tell you. Your government isn't either. Your schools are part of the mob monopoly.
I know that's how it was at my school.  Almost all the rowers on the Varsity sculling crew were made men.
But there are signs: the biggest one is that open scandals and crimes have no consequences. We all know Holder is a perverse attorney general, that the EPA is run by scientific know-nothings...that "green technology" contradicts the known facts of physics, and that "catastrophic climate change" is a self-serving farce.
In the past we've speculated on which scientific trade Mr. Lewis practices, and I think I've narrowed it down.  He either holds the Einstein-Rosen Bridgework Chair in Theoretical Dentistry, or perhaps he's a humble Torsion Field hand.
This presidency is practically defined by its perversity. When this administration gets caught with its pants down, it just becomes even more grandiose.
Well, you know what they say about the way those people are...gifted.  It's twue.
All the scandals the media decided to expose after the election have not changed any behavior.
Or turned out to be scandals.
Anybody with a computer can now read the weekly exposés of the much-admired British government's health system, with dirty, overcrowded hospital rooms; spreading antibiotic resistance; poor treatment for older people (who don't have enough QALYs left on their life tickets); and deliberately uncontrolled immigration to bring in cheap Labour voters. These are all in our future.
I admit, it's a pretty boring reboot of Westworld.
But Americans voted for Obama because he would relieve their white guilt forever.
It's twue, eight years of Bush-Cheney made it so uncool to be a middle aged white dude that even before the 2008 election I had taken to putting on a turban and passing myself off as Korla Pandit.
They chose not to know the consequences. When things fall apart, they will blame another scapegoat. Obama's perversity -- his endless big promises leading to terrible outcomes -- echoes the growing perversity of our culture. This is a very stubborn disease, and it may take decades to cure.
Note that this particular strain of perversity has already mutated from a hamburger to a rainforest to a disease, so please stop taking antibiotics every time you get sick, wouldja?  You're just adding to the ever growing list of methicillin-resistant metaphors.
The Jihad War is yet another example of perversity. There certainly is a danger of foreign attacks today, but this is not the first time: in 1812, the Redcoats burned the White House down.
Far be it from me to challenge of the facts of a Scientific Tradesman, but the White House burned down in 1814, so if the Redcoats lit the blaze in 1812, I can only conclude they used a really crappy accelerant.
The Soviets ran constant bomber and submarine probes against the U.S., just as we did to them. Previous U.S. responses to military threats have been proportionate.
For instance, when the U.S. was attacked by Saudis operating out of Afghanistan, we invaded Iraq.
But Obama authorized global violations of the privacy rights of billions of people all over the world. Under Obama, we have abused the greatest promises of web technology.
Really?  Because it seems to be delivering porn just fine.
In this Brave New World, we still can't answer the ancient question -- can you trust a stranger with your private information? -- in the affirmative.
Ah, so something that's never been true is still not true. That's quite a perversityburger.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Happy Anniversary! A Dialogue

SCOTT:  Today is our seventh wedding anniversary.  Mary and I have been together much longer than that, of course, and while I'd rather not specify just how long it's been, I will say that when we met, people were still passionately debating the Joel versus Mike Question in the Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 folder on AOL.  Anyway, since the blog is almost ten years old, a lot of you guys knew us when we were living in sin.  So when you speak about this to the Opposition Research team of my political enemies -- and you will -- be kind.

Since Mary is home sick today, we thought a fun way to celebrate that didn't involve stirring from our respective computer desks might be to look up all the traditional gifts we'd be entitled to if I'd only paid her dad the full bride price (as is typical of me, I failed to plan ahead and save up enough livestock for the wedding, so I had to go on a payment plan -- one ewe a year -- but 2012 was particularly tough for us financially, and I was only able to pay him in sheepskin carseat covers -- and I'm pretty sure those were synthetic -- which barely covered the vig).  But she sent me this list of traditional anniversary gifts, so at least we can open the link and, like the Sears Wish Book, sit and dream...
7th Anniversary Traditional Gift:
Copper or Wool. Copper has long had a traditional meaning of prosperity, good luck, and good fortune.
And saucepans.
Couples who celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary can indeed celebrate their good fortune in finding one another.
If we're traditional enough to celebrate in this traditional manner, then clearly our marriage is defined by traditional sex roles.  So get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sauce, woman!
The gift of wool represents the comfort, durability, security, and warmth that couples married this long give one another.
And since by this point neither one of you even bothers to shave anymore, wool also represents the degree of scratchiness you've achieved as a couple.
 Roman brides touched their the threshold of their new home with wool.
Mostly to mop up the blood stains left when the slaves dragged out the previous wife's body.  I've read I, Claudius.
The Old Testament has a passage (Proverbs 31) describing wives of noble character as women who select wool and spin yarns with eager hands.
So stop looking for love on eHarmony, and start hanging around the Yarn Barn.

MARY: Good Gravy! Has it been seven years since we both risked heatstroke and walked down the aisle of that shady wedding chapel in Vegas that had it's marrying privileges revoked? It's been, well not a whirlwind since 2006, but it certainly has been windy.

What's this?  There are modern gifts for the 7th anniversary?! Thank goodness! Maybe THIS year I can get that giant metal chicken I've dreamed about...
Desk Sets.
 The modern gift of a desk set is a practical gift that can be combined with one of your spouse's interests such as golf or collecting. 
Or perhaps their interests might run to actually collecting golf players. Or collecting golfing collectors.  Either way, make sure you've got the right desk set and have helpfully hidden it away in the hole in your basement where your golf players and/or golfing collectors are trapped. And also, that they regularly puts the lotion on its skins.

7th Anniversary Color:
Yellow or off white.  
Nice! Goes with the latest color of our hair and teeth!
7th Anniversary Flower:
Jack-in-the-pulpit, a common wild flower that blooms in spring in moist wooded areas.
I think they mean "man in the boat", and that pretty much blooms all the time in moist hooded areas.
Ways to Celebrate Your 7th Anniversary:
  • Toast one another with hope that your love continues to provide comfort, prosperity, and security like the traditional gifts of wool and copper.
  • Purchase tickets to a show, movie, sports event, concert, theatre, etc. to attend together.
Better yet, pop some popcorn in a copper kettle, settle down under a scratchy blanket, and watch COPPER on BBC America!

Happy Anniversary, Mother Fucker!