Saturday, July 13, 2013

Okay, But Only If We Can Do It With The Lights Off

The other day, WO'C correspondent Bill S., who has a nose for this kind of thing, discovered a wingnut site I'd never seen before -- PolitiChicks (The Voice Of The Conservative Woman") -- and, as might be expected, it's nuttier than Mr. Peanut's ballsack.  But one post in particular caught Bill's eye, a post which may launch an entirely new genre of superhero comics, movies, and TV shows:
PolitiChicks Picks: The Hottest Conservative Supermen in America
The article was written (or perhaps "curated" might be a better word) by Ann-Marie Murrell, who was also unfamiliar to me.  Let's check her bio:
"She is one of the go-to Conservative reporters in Los Angeles"
Oh, that's why I've never heard of her.  It's a bit like saying "She's one of the leading Manishewitz distributors in Mecca."
Ann-Marie has conducted exclusive interviews with Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, Lt. Col. Allen West, Newt Gingrich, Frank Gaffney, and was one of the last reporters to interview the late Andrew Breitbart.
Granted, it was several weeks after he died, but post mortem question-and-answer sessions are a lot easier now that there's a Ouija app for the iPad.

Judging the pageant along with Ms. Murrell is Dr. Gina Loudon.  World O' Crap readers may remember "Dr." Loudon as the St. Louis-based talk radio host who was ejected from the Missouri Tea Party because Dana Loesch thought she was too crazy.  Even more remarkable was her feat of earning both a Masters and a Ph.D in a single year -- 2011-- from distance learning diploma mill Fielding Graduate University.  (Not that this is a peculiarly distinguishing characteristic -- there are so many right wingers buying online degrees and calling themselves "Doctor" nowadays that I'm about ready to pitch a remake of Norma Rae, with Sandra Bullock as a reluctant blue collar heroine who inspires exploited diploma mill workers to strike.)

As you can see from the Dutch Angle of her headshot, "Dr." Loudon is also known for her impersonations of Ceiling Cat and every other Special Guest Villain on the old Batman TV series.  But more from her later.

Bachelorette Number 3 is a former star of Dallas, and current Townhall wingnut, Morgan Brittany.  Bachelorette Number 4 is "Movie producer of Runaway Slave ('A perpetual state of welfare exists in the U.S., creating a form of modern slavery for a large percentage of African-Americans...'), Hating Breitbart (Starring Orson Bean!) and Executive Producer of our studio shows, Beverly Zaslow."

Next up is another fresh face here at World O' Crap: Scottie Nell Hughes, News Director for TPNN (the Tea Party News Network -- who knew?).  She's also a "writer for TownHall Finance & frequent Fox News political commentator."  Ms. Hughes, clearly a serious and accomplished journalist, appears to have been photographed as she was falling backward in her chair at some fancy fundraising dinner, yet all the while remaining poised and making determined love to the camera.

Our final Bachelorette is Tabitha Hale, who has taken time out from being a character in a Danielle Steele novel to join this distinguished panel of judges. Tabitha is "Managing editor of, writer for multiple major conservative sites & social media queen."  And while all this sounds impressive on a purely professional level, Ms. Hale has valuable personal experience with objectification as well; if you check her bio, you'll see that she was "recently named one of 'The 50 Hottest People in Online Politics“ by Business Insider."  So I think we can all agree that her qualifications for evaluating high-temperature ubermenschen are impeccable.

And yet, despite the fact that I had never heard of her before today, something about Tabith strikes me as somehow...I don't know...overexposed.

Anyway, let's hear how our lovely contestants were chosen:
Of course because we’re women of substance, our list requirements are based on:
#1. Intelligence. These guys are brilliant.
#2. Courage. They aren’t afraid to stand up to challenges, speak the truth and fight for our country.
#3: Passion (See above)
#4: Sense of humor. Self-deprecating gets you extra points.
#5: Looks. This can be either conventionally handsome or someone who simply exudes sexiness.
Okay, then.  First category is "Top 15 Hottest Conservative Men in New Media," and contains such familiar faces as Jonah Goldberg, Glenn Reynolds, Joseph Farah and Doug Giles.
First Runner-Up goes to John Hawkins of Right Wing News, who is seen here...
...showing Stephen Colbert that it's perfectly possible to pose like this, and have it not look fuunny!

You know what?  I don't actually think I can make it through the entire pageant -- let's just skim the next few categories...

Top 14 Hottest Conservative Supermen Authors contains more of the usual suspects... well as Glenn Beck, the (Former Virgin) Ben Shapiro, and online crossdresser John Lott, all good, solid wingnut names. But Number 14 is the vaguely made up-sounding Dr. Dathan Paterno, whose inclusion on this list, I'm willing to bet, is due entirely to the intercession of Dr. Gina Loudon, with whom Dr. Paterno wrote a book.  (WO'C readers may remember the good doctor from this post, in which he advanced the theory that feminists don't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they remind them of penis-in-vagina sex.)

Top 10 Hottest Conservative Supermen in Radio category hits the expected high notes:

Along with the marquee names, though, is one that's new to me: Fingers Malloy.
Nice smirk, decent Mohawk, but I'm not gonna just take his bona fides on faith.  Let's check Google for a bio...
Okey doke, then. That last line seems to say it all...

Finally, the action, already steamy, takes a decidedly kinky turn with the Top 15 Overall Hottest Conservative Supermen in America competition, which includes such eye candy as Louis Gohmert

And Andrew Klavan...
You know, this may be the first orgy in history to consist entirely of pity fucks.


maryclev said...

Okay. Um. Oy. I'm trying my best here, to understand their choices.

Doug Giles: Okay. I can see that. I mean, at least you know he's got a ton of hair product you can use after a one night stand with him.

Mark Steyn? Sure. If he buys you enough drinks could see how he might look "hot".

The rest of the bunch? Are you all fucking KIDDING ME? These are the "hottest" guys for conservative women?! REALLY? Pus Limbaugh, Doughy Pantload?! Hindraker?! John. Freaking. Hawkins?! REALLY!?!

Admittedly, you have a very poor pool of candidates to consider "Hottest" Conservative Supermen, but seriously? I feel like the "PolitiChicks" just went to Google and typed in "Conservative Men" and went from there.

"PolitiChicks"? If you ask me, LazyChicks is more like it.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Clearly, they love Gohmert for his intellect.

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

Granted, it was several weeks after he died, but post mortem question-and-answer sessions are a lot easier now that there's a Ouija app for the iPad.

Scott FTW!

John said...

Worst. Penthouse. Forum. EVER.

Bill S said...

If intelligence is a factor, how in the hell did Jonah Goldberg and Ben Shapiro make the cut?

Scott said...

I think they're the Control Group.

Anonymous said...

Ok, you got me with the very last line......"You know, this may be the first orgy in history to consist entirely of pity fucks."
I laughed so loud I scared the cat off my lap and into the next room. Plus, I am somewhat sheepish to say I wet my pants so I guess I was purging from two different ends, not to mention the great good that line did for my soul!

Li'l Innocent said...

Clearly, they love Gohmert for his intellect.

Yeah, and Limbaugh for his self-deprecating humor.

I'm a ladyparts owner, so I can say this: in RL, those over-glossed professional Prom Queens wouldn't give any of these guys the chance to pry a stray Chiclet off the sole of one of their stilettos.

But like all beauty pageants, this charade is just plain nasty and mean. Just think how much better those poor doofs would look if *they* could wear sultry bangs covering 1/3 of their faces, or apply successive laminates of Estee Lauder or Bare Minerals, plus false eyelashes that could double as air conditioner filters -- and then have themselves photographed as their "judges" do, with filler lights, earrings, and fans to ruffle their swirling tresses.

But nooo, not in this dominatrix-dominated, man-bashing culture, where even one's supposed comradesses-in-struggle refuse to share a millimeter of cosmetics territory with a brother.

Keith said...

They don't like Mike Adams? Curious.

grouchomarxist said...

I laughed. I cried. I vomited copiously.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Sorry that I have missed so many brilliant posts this year, but regarding this line:

"You know, this may be the first orgy in history to consist entirely of pity fucks."

Brilliantly-phrased, perfect brevity, but obviously, you have never attended one of MY birfday parties... heh heh heh...