Friday, December 7, 2018

Random Scenes of Miami

I'm in the Magic City for a few days researching a screenplay (I can't say what it's about other than it involves nefarious activities in the early 90s, when cell phones were the size and weight of paving stones, a cocaine-encrusted upper lip was seen as the natural evolution of the pre-pubescent milk mustache, and by the way did you know one million dollars in hundred dollar bills weighs exactly 11 pounds?)

Anyway, when the cat's away the mice will play, but since our cats refuse to budge I've taken on the rodent responsibilities, and my idea of play is wandering around annoying the natives by snapping photos of things no sane tourist would give a second glance. And now I'm going to share them with you, because it's lonely in this hotel room and the pizza delivery boy is taking so long that by the time he finally arrives I'll be too pooped for the traditional porn scene. So enjoy.
Chicago, O'Hare

Traditional chicken matador and Plus One keeping vigil outside a restaurant.

I can't confirm their slogan, but I can recommend the Roast Pork.

Traditional chicken condemned to salivate at a chocolatier for all eternity.

Unfortunately this ad, while clearly attempting to traffic in nostalgia, makes Cuba sound like an intestinal parasite. But with enough Havana Club, you can at least keep your tapeworm drunk AF.

Traditional chicken guarding the off-brand Dollar Store.

The tomb of Mary B Hecht (1912–1982) who I’m guessing either died without survivors, or worse, hated her family enough to blow their inheritance on a granite Sphinx and a marble pyramid.

I can't tell if this chicken is saying "Welcome!" or "Eh. Salmonella. Whaddya gonna do?"

Um...Okay. I guess the lack of an apostrophe could mean it's not the barbecue equivalent of a Sambo's restaurant, but just another BBQ joint run by avuncular turkeys.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

To Doctor Who It May Concern

Scott and Jeff return from their Strange Interlude, and are joined by Mrs. C. for this quick mini-sode about the current season of Doctor Who. And guess what?

You'll never guess.

Okay, I'll tell you.

Scott's a little grumpy.

And here's a link to the Mike and Ike video mentioned on the show.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone is having an enjoyable day, free of politics, familial strife, traffic jams, and Cottage-Cheese-and-Lime-Jello salad molds. I succeeded in screwing up my back yesterday, so I'm passing it with hot cocoa and Vicodin, while Mary is busy in the kitchen, making her famous Hollowed Cabbage with Cat Food Surprise!
Crap. I just spoiled the surprise, didn't I?

Just kidding. But there is some culinary drama afoot, since she couldn't find a turkey breast at the market this year, and instead is attempting, for the first time on any stage, to cook at entire turkey in our weirdly proportioned, dollhouse-sized oven.

I guess we'll know the outcome in a couple of hours. In the meantime, we're watching The Gauntlet, the six episode, designed-to-binge 12th season of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

(And after one episode, I have a theory to share about the E.T. ripoff Mac and Me. So this piece of crap has more -- and more blatant -- product placement than any film I've ever seen: Coke, McDonalds, Skittles, even Sears ponied up to take part in this disaster. It cost a reported $13 million, and while it admittedly looks like a Steven Spielberg picture -- by which I mean one of the Super8 movies he shot in his backyard when he was 12 -- it earned less than half its budget back at the box office. So my theory is that the filmmakers saw Mel Brooks' The Producers, and got a brilliant idea! They cut a bunch of cross-promotional deals, sucked up millions in corporate cash, lensed a guaranteed failure for peanuts, then pocketed the balance and moved to Togo, which has no extradition treat with the United States. Q.E.D.)

So how are you guys passing the day? Pleasantly? Or like a kidney stone?

In the meantime, let's enjoy some holiday cheesecake, as Jean Arthur and Lillian Roth demonstrate pantless turkey hunting techniques.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Scenes From a Marriage: Part 12

MARY: (Returning from the grocery store) We're going to have a delicious dinner on Thanksgiving.

SCOTT: I'm looking forward to it.

MARY: And it's a 10 pound turkey so we're gonna have another delicious dinner on, uh ... What do you call the day after Thanksgiving?

SCOTT: I think it's called Kickboxing Day


MARY: We'll go with that.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Sound the All Clear!" Edition

SHADOW: Is the election over? Is it safe to come out?

MOONDOGGIE: A lady on the TV said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can't afford to rent an apartment before her Congressional salary kicks in, and I just want her to know there's always room for a firebrand young Socialist under my dining chair dust ruffle! Because Solidarity and Shared Snuggle-Space are the watchwords of Fabianism!

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

It's The Slumgullion Halloween Horror Show!

Scott and Jeff see the new Halloween (2018) movie on opposite sides of the country, but they come together to completely disagree about it. Then it's Compare & Contrast Day, as they watch two different versions of the same mid-century Italian horror film. Jeff sits through the American release, Atom Age Vampire, while Scott subjects himself to the complete European cut, entitled Seddok, The Heir of Satan. They learn that sometimes more is less, but less is more confusing.

Friday, October 19, 2018

A Lobster Pinched Tom Hardy's Winky!

In honor of the first woman Doctor, Jeff and Scott recruit expert woman Mary C to give the woman's point of view on womaning. Then they try to figure out why Venom sucked so bad, and why they loved it so much.

It's The Woman Who Fell to Earth versus The Parasite That Fell to Earth, so grab your headphones and your umbrella and listen to things go SPLAT!