Monday, July 1, 2013

Happy Anniversary! A Dialogue

SCOTT:  Today is our seventh wedding anniversary.  Mary and I have been together much longer than that, of course, and while I'd rather not specify just how long it's been, I will say that when we met, people were still passionately debating the Joel versus Mike Question in the Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 folder on AOL.  Anyway, since the blog is almost ten years old, a lot of you guys knew us when we were living in sin.  So when you speak about this to the Opposition Research team of my political enemies -- and you will -- be kind.

Since Mary is home sick today, we thought a fun way to celebrate that didn't involve stirring from our respective computer desks might be to look up all the traditional gifts we'd be entitled to if I'd only paid her dad the full bride price (as is typical of me, I failed to plan ahead and save up enough livestock for the wedding, so I had to go on a payment plan -- one ewe a year -- but 2012 was particularly tough for us financially, and I was only able to pay him in sheepskin carseat covers -- and I'm pretty sure those were synthetic -- which barely covered the vig).  But she sent me this list of traditional anniversary gifts, so at least we can open the link and, like the Sears Wish Book, sit and dream...
7th Anniversary Traditional Gift:
Copper or Wool. Copper has long had a traditional meaning of prosperity, good luck, and good fortune.
And saucepans.
Couples who celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary can indeed celebrate their good fortune in finding one another.
If we're traditional enough to celebrate in this traditional manner, then clearly our marriage is defined by traditional sex roles.  So get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sauce, woman!
The gift of wool represents the comfort, durability, security, and warmth that couples married this long give one another.
And since by this point neither one of you even bothers to shave anymore, wool also represents the degree of scratchiness you've achieved as a couple.
 Roman brides touched their the threshold of their new home with wool.
Mostly to mop up the blood stains left when the slaves dragged out the previous wife's body.  I've read I, Claudius.
The Old Testament has a passage (Proverbs 31) describing wives of noble character as women who select wool and spin yarns with eager hands.
So stop looking for love on eHarmony, and start hanging around the Yarn Barn.

MARY: Good Gravy! Has it been seven years since we both risked heatstroke and walked down the aisle of that shady wedding chapel in Vegas that had it's marrying privileges revoked? It's been, well not a whirlwind since 2006, but it certainly has been windy.

What's this?  There are modern gifts for the 7th anniversary?! Thank goodness! Maybe THIS year I can get that giant metal chicken I've dreamed about...
Desk Sets.
DAMMIT.
 The modern gift of a desk set is a practical gift that can be combined with one of your spouse's interests such as golf or collecting. 
Or perhaps their interests might run to actually collecting golf players. Or collecting golfing collectors.  Either way, make sure you've got the right desk set and have helpfully hidden it away in the hole in your basement where your golf players and/or golfing collectors are trapped. And also, that they regularly puts the lotion on its skins.

7th Anniversary Color:
Yellow or off white.  
Nice! Goes with the latest color of our hair and teeth!
7th Anniversary Flower:
Jack-in-the-pulpit, a common wild flower that blooms in spring in moist wooded areas.
I think they mean "man in the boat", and that pretty much blooms all the time in moist hooded areas.
Ways to Celebrate Your 7th Anniversary:
  • Toast one another with hope that your love continues to provide comfort, prosperity, and security like the traditional gifts of wool and copper.
  • Purchase tickets to a show, movie, sports event, concert, theatre, etc. to attend together.
Better yet, pop some popcorn in a copper kettle, settle down under a scratchy blanket, and watch COPPER on BBC America!

Happy Anniversary, Mother Fucker!

13 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You'll never get me alive, copper!
~

Bill S said...

Or you could rent "Desk Set". It's not the best of the Tracey-Hepburn pairings, but it's an enjoyable enough movie.

heydave said...

If only that chicken was available in a lovely patina with moisture resistant feathers.

Marion in Savannah said...

Felicitations. Mr. Marion in Savannah and I have been together 5 times longer than you two, and all I can assure you is that it just keeps on getting weirder and weirder...

Carl said...

Wool, huh?

Sure would explain the seven year itch...

Wood is the fifth. Presumably that's the last time any married couple has sex.

Carl said...

Jack-in-the-pulpit, a common wild flower that blooms in spring in moist wooded areas.

Also, what I was once accused of doing in the local cathedral...

M. Bouffant said...

I was knitting a cozy for your copper pans but it caught fire.

Congratulations anyway! If it's lasted this long you're pretty much stuck w/ each other, huh?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Scott and Mary.
Lang may yer lum reek.*
Is your back ready for wild celebrations yet, Scott? Hope so.
What Beyonce said.

*I dunno why, OK?
Luv.
Suezboo

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Okay, FIRST OF ALL... yer sugar-skull Dios de los Muertes wedding figurines are TWO LESBIANS.

Ball's in your court, Scott... heh heh heh... or balls, as the case may be... heh heh heh...

Unless, of course, you've had a sudden uptick in your own personal estrogen influences and are now sporting moobs, that is... heh heh heh...

Fuck yes, I'm going to read the entire uproarious post, but I just HAD to mention the tits on those wedding toppers... If I ever make it back to Austin, I soooooo know what I'm getting for Y'ALL!!! Hee hee hee... there's this GREAT import shop from TRUE artisans all over the world, on Congress Street... Tesoros? I'm prolly off by a syllable or two, but I'll never forget that store or y'all's souvenirs!

Happy-happy joy joy and all that rot, my dears, and dammit, Mary, give Scott his rock back! (Note that I make no mention of 'stones,' since you undoubtedly have those stashed in a very safe place... hee hee hee...)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

P.S. I call dibs on Tom Weston-Jones or Jones-Weston, whatever it is, his milky Mick arse is MINE!!!

Ohhhh, what a loverly housepet that he would make... yeah, I know, that makes me worse than a chickenhawk, but so what, it's all just in my head anyway!

Weird Dave said...

So what year is Giant Metal Rooster?

Oh well, Happy Belated.

delfin said...

15 years is Big Metal Chickens.

Knock knock.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

It's "Knock, knock, MOTHERFUCKER!"

It looks LOVELY on embroidered towels!