Since Mary is home sick today, we thought a fun way to celebrate that didn't involve stirring from our respective computer desks might be to look up all the traditional gifts we'd be entitled to if I'd only paid her dad the full bride price (as is typical of me, I failed to plan ahead and save up enough livestock for the wedding, so I had to go on a payment plan -- one ewe a year -- but 2012 was particularly tough for us financially, and I was only able to pay him in sheepskin carseat covers -- and I'm pretty sure those were synthetic -- which barely covered the vig). But she sent me this list of traditional anniversary gifts, so at least we can open the link and, like the Sears Wish Book, sit and dream...
7th Anniversary Traditional Gift:And saucepans.
Copper or Wool. Copper has long had a traditional meaning of prosperity, good luck, and good fortune.
Couples who celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary can indeed celebrate their good fortune in finding one another.If we're traditional enough to celebrate in this traditional manner, then clearly our marriage is defined by traditional sex roles. So get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sauce, woman!
The gift of wool represents the comfort, durability, security, and warmth that couples married this long give one another.And since by this point neither one of you even bothers to shave anymore, wool also represents the degree of scratchiness you've achieved as a couple.
Roman brides touched their the threshold of their new home with wool.Mostly to mop up the blood stains left when the slaves dragged out the previous wife's body. I've read I, Claudius.
The Old Testament has a passage (Proverbs 31) describing wives of noble character as women who select wool and spin yarns with eager hands.So stop looking for love on eHarmony, and start hanging around the Yarn Barn.
MARY: Good Gravy! Has it been seven years since we both risked heatstroke and walked down the aisle of that shady wedding chapel in Vegas that had it's marrying privileges revoked? It's been, well not a whirlwind since 2006, but it certainly has been windy.
What's this? There are modern gifts for the 7th anniversary?! Thank goodness! Maybe THIS year I can get that giant metal chicken I've dreamed about...
The modern gift of a desk set is a practical gift that can be combined with one of your spouse's interests such as golf or collecting.Or perhaps their interests might run to actually collecting golf players. Or collecting golfing collectors. Either way, make sure you've got the right desk set and have helpfully hidden it away in the hole in your basement where your golf players and/or golfing collectors are trapped. And also, that they regularly puts the lotion on its skins.
7th Anniversary Color:Nice! Goes with the latest color of our hair and teeth!
Yellow or off white.
7th Anniversary Flower:I think they mean "man in the boat", and that pretty much blooms all the time in moist hooded areas.
Jack-in-the-pulpit, a common wild flower that blooms in spring in moist wooded areas.
Ways to Celebrate Your 7th Anniversary:Better yet, pop some popcorn in a copper kettle, settle down under a scratchy blanket, and watch COPPER on BBC America!
- Toast one another with hope that your love continues to provide comfort, prosperity, and security like the traditional gifts of wool and copper.
- Purchase tickets to a show, movie, sports event, concert, theatre, etc. to attend together.
Happy Anniversary, Mother Fucker!