Friday, August 15, 2014

From Lagos (and K Street) With Love

It's the Battle of the Email Scammers!  On the left, Ibrahim Lamorde, EFCC Chairman! On the right, Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director!
Well, I don't know. I guess it it depends on whether I can pull a sword out of a can of Spam.
I am writing in regards to an unattended file in your names that has been on the EFCC's desk for over some years, which is supposed to be for the transfer of some huge sum of money to your bank account 
Spoiler alert: this sentence goes on for another paragraph, so let me pause for a moment and make sure I've got it all straight...Somebody in Nigeria left a manilla folder lying around the office and forgot about it -- maybe it slipped down behind the copier, or under the credenza -- for an indeterminate number of years, despite the fact that it contained my various cognomens (I can only assume that Lagos Vice is onto the multifarious pseudonyms, aliases, Mob-style sobriquets, and overly evocative porn names that I've been using to cheat the filling system employed by Sub-Saharan con artists, because I'm all about the irony).

A friend once said, You can usually tell someone is lying when they offer up an excuse and it comes garnished with a lot of unnecessary and unwanted detail. But the author of this missive -- "Mr Ibrahim Lamorde" -- didn't do that. Quite the opposite, in fact. He claims to represent the "EFCC" but doesn't bother to inform me what the acronym stands for ("Elephants Fart Candy Corn"? We just don't know). Presumably it's an Economic or Financial ministry, and you'd expect that sort of institution to be staffed by anal retentive accountant-types who are painfully rigorous about dates and numbers. But my payment, which has been languishing "for over some years," comes to exactly "some huge sum." I don't know about you, but that's the kind of weirdly repetitive evasiveness that no one would try to get away with, except a very honest man or an incredibly lazy crook.
by the Central Bank of Nigeria during the stewardship of Mr Charles Soludo(May 29, 2004 – May 29, 2009) and Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(June 3, 2009 - February 14, 2014) as CBN Governors and the Chairmanship of the EFCC under Mr Nuhu Ribadu(2003 - 2007) and Mrs Farida Waziri(May 2008 – 23 November 2011).
Who are they? Who knows! The important thing is, they're individuals who have names, unlike fictional people who must make do with descriptives like "The Man in the Yellow Hat" or "The Girl with the Pearl Earring," although I think Sanusi Sanusi might be the guy who shot RFK, so I'm not sure he's all that great a character reference.
Recently, it has come to the commission's notice that you have been in constant communication with people who claim to be what they are not, people who frequently impersonate the identity of real government and bank officials to help make themselves and their scam appear legitimate in order to deceive and defraud you of your hard-earned money persistently!.
I flatter myself that after 15 years of knowing Karl Rove exists, I'm a pretty fair judge of projection, and I can safely say that Mr Lamorde's concern trolling compares favorably with RNC Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski's confession that she misses George W. Bush because Obama takes too many vacations.
I will be ready to help in delivering your fund sum to you with your honest and sincere co-operation with my office but i do not know if i am in contact with the true fund beneficiary
Probably not. I can't get this sword to budge, and I just snapped the pull-tab off the lid.
if i am, do inform me accordingly through this email:, if i am not then honestly ignore this letter. Thank you for your anticipated co-operation. 
Yours Sincerely, 
Mr Ibrahim Lamorde,
I wish I could satisfy your anticipation, Mr Lamorde, but knowing me I'm probably going to ignore your letter in the most deceitful manner possible, by posting it on World O' Crap and inviting our readers to guess what "EFCC" stands for.

Now on to Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director:
Nancy Pelosi again just emailed her liberal supporters saying, “I’m doing everything I can to defeat Boehner this November.” 
The Democrats are getting desperate. 
They're actually trying to win elections!  Even worse, they mean to win Wimbleton!
They’re pulling every trick, scheme and stunt to try to defeat our Republican Majority in the House and block us from gaining a Republican Majority in the Senate. 
These Washington Democrats are launching the same smear and scare campaigns that got Obama elected in the first place.
I'm a little fuzzy on the exact smears and scare campaigns the Democrats were launching back in 2008 (I started drinking heavily after John McCain announced his VP pick), but I think Obama's supporters trafficked in racist conspiracy theories about how McCain wasn't a "natural born citizen" because he was born outside the U.S., and accused Sarah Palin of "pallin' around with terrorists," just because her husband belonged to a secessionist party whose leader proclaimed, "I'm an Alaskan, not an American. I've got no use for America or her damned institutions."
They have even gone so far as to create “phony scandals,” tell flat out lies, and sensationalize and spin anything that they think can make them money.
If I were you I'd sue the Democrats for theft of your intellectual property. You'd never see Disney stand for that kind of copyright infringement.
We can’t sit back and watch these desperate and reckless attacks any longer. 
Democrats are banking on extreme fundraising tactics and the deep pockets of the Liberal Elite — but we have you.
Oooh. You're fucked.
I’m fed up with the Democrats bragging about their successful scare tactics. I need you, Scott, to step up and help us set our own fundraising record this month.
So you don't care if the Democrats take the House or keep the Senate, you just can't stand to see them boasting about it? Can't you just settle it with an 8 Mile type freestyle rap battle?

That's it for our International Spam Dance-Off.  Text "FRAUD" to vote for Mr. Lamorde, and "RUBE" to vote for Ms. Walsh.


Steven Pierce said...

That's one high-quality 419 email! Ibrahim Lamorde really is the chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, and it's right about his predecessors--Nuhu Ribadu and Farida Waziri--and the CBN chairmen. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi just got fired as the head of the central bank when he pointed out $20 billion is missing from the petroleum fund. I'd trust all of them, and the email writer, more than Kate Walsh..

Weird Dave said...

Every Sucker Stops Once? Wait. That's not right...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


That spells moon!

Dr.BDH said...

As the Left used to say, "It's always projection!" I say RUBE.

Smut Clyde said...


editor92 said...

A few months ago I read a story about how Nigerian scammers pre-screen for victims. Turns out they deliberately write unbelievable emails so that they won't have to waste time corresponding with anyone savvy enough to unbelieve. Evidently the same is true of political money-grubbers, although one has to note that it isn't exclusive to the Republican party.

grouchomarxist said...

Hee. Babelfish tells me "La Morde" is French for "the bite". And I'll bet it's French slang for something like extortion, graft or a con game.

Nothing's more precious than a stupid person who thinks they're clever.

Scott said...

Steven, thanks for the expert commentary on the Nigerian nomenklatura. And I have to agree with you about Kate Walsh -- she rather clumsily went right for the reacharound boob-grab without even trying to warm me up first with some whispered sweet nothings, or the offer of a discounted "I Miss W." foam beverage sleeve.