DELAYED FUND TRANSFER: ARE YOU THE TRUE BENEFICIARWell, I don't know. I guess it it depends on whether I can pull a sword out of a can of Spam.
I am writing in regards to an unattended file in your names that has been on the EFCC's desk for over some years, which is supposed to be for the transfer of some huge sum of money to your bank accountSpoiler alert: this sentence goes on for another paragraph, so let me pause for a moment and make sure I've got it all straight...Somebody in Nigeria left a manilla folder lying around the office and forgot about it -- maybe it slipped down behind the copier, or under the credenza -- for an indeterminate number of years, despite the fact that it contained my various cognomens (I can only assume that Lagos Vice is onto the multifarious pseudonyms, aliases, Mob-style sobriquets, and overly evocative porn names that I've been using to cheat the filling system employed by Sub-Saharan con artists, because I'm all about the irony).
A friend once said, You can usually tell someone is lying when they offer up an excuse and it comes garnished with a lot of unnecessary and unwanted detail. But the author of this missive -- "Mr Ibrahim Lamorde" -- didn't do that. Quite the opposite, in fact. He claims to represent the "EFCC" but doesn't bother to inform me what the acronym stands for ("Elephants Fart Candy Corn"? We just don't know). Presumably it's an Economic or Financial ministry, and you'd expect that sort of institution to be staffed by anal retentive accountant-types who are painfully rigorous about dates and numbers. But my payment, which has been languishing "for over some years," comes to exactly "some huge sum." I don't know about you, but that's the kind of weirdly repetitive evasiveness that no one would try to get away with, except a very honest man or an incredibly lazy crook.
by the Central Bank of Nigeria during the stewardship of Mr Charles Soludo(May 29, 2004 – May 29, 2009) and Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(June 3, 2009 - February 14, 2014) as CBN Governors and the Chairmanship of the EFCC under Mr Nuhu Ribadu(2003 - 2007) and Mrs Farida Waziri(May 2008 – 23 November 2011).
Who are they? Who knows! The important thing is, they're individuals who have names, unlike fictional people who must make do with descriptives like "The Man in the Yellow Hat" or "The Girl with the Pearl Earring," although I think Sanusi Sanusi might be the guy who shot RFK, so I'm not sure he's all that great a character reference.
Recently, it has come to the commission's notice that you have been in constant communication with people who claim to be what they are not, people who frequently impersonate the identity of real government and bank officials to help make themselves and their scam appear legitimate in order to deceive and defraud you of your hard-earned money persistently!.I flatter myself that after 15 years of knowing Karl Rove exists, I'm a pretty fair judge of projection, and I can safely say that Mr Lamorde's concern trolling compares favorably with RNC Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski's confession that she misses George W. Bush because Obama takes too many vacations.
I will be ready to help in delivering your fund sum to you with your honest and sincere co-operation with my office but i do not know if i am in contact with the true fund beneficiaryProbably not. I can't get this sword to budge, and I just snapped the pull-tab off the lid.
if i am, do inform me accordingly through this email: firstname.lastname@example.org, if i am not then honestly ignore this letter. Thank you for your anticipated co-operation.
Mr Ibrahim Lamorde,
I wish I could satisfy your anticipation, Mr Lamorde, but knowing me I'm probably going to ignore your letter in the most deceitful manner possible, by posting it on World O' Crap and inviting our readers to guess what "EFCC" stands for.
Now on to Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director:
Now on to Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director:
That's one high-quality 419 email! Ibrahim Lamorde really is the chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, and it's right about his predecessors--Nuhu Ribadu and Farida Waziri--and the CBN chairmen. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi just got fired as the head of the central bank when he pointed out $20 billion is missing from the petroleum fund. I'd trust all of them, and the email writer, more than Kate Walsh..
Every Sucker Stops Once? Wait. That's not right...
That spells moon!
As the Left used to say, "It's always projection!" I say RUBE.
A few months ago I read a story about how Nigerian scammers pre-screen for victims. Turns out they deliberately write unbelievable emails so that they won't have to waste time corresponding with anyone savvy enough to unbelieve. Evidently the same is true of political money-grubbers, although one has to note that it isn't exclusive to the Republican party.
Hee. Babelfish tells me "La Morde" is French for "the bite". And I'll bet it's French slang for something like extortion, graft or a con game.
Nothing's more precious than a stupid person who thinks they're clever.
Steven, thanks for the expert commentary on the Nigerian nomenklatura. And I have to agree with you about Kate Walsh -- she rather clumsily went right for the reacharound boob-grab without even trying to warm me up first with some whispered sweet nothings, or the offer of a discounted "I Miss W." foam beverage sleeve.
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