Sundays With S.Z.: That's Our Swank!

Originally published May 24, 2006

Blogs Agog Over Google News Censorship!!!

Or so says Noel at “Newsbusters,” which is so agog about Google News’ “censorship”of a few wingnut sites that we fear it may succumb to apoplexy.

And while this blog isn’t all that agog to learn about Google “capriciously terminating its relationship with [the]conservative e-zines and web journals” New Media Journal, The Jawa Report, and MichNews.com for “promoting hate speech viewpoints” in regard to Islam, we were slightly bemused when we heard that somebody at Google had to actually read their stuff.

Here’s more on this important story from WorldNetDaily, viaTownhall:

Search engine giant Google has cut off its news relationship with a number of online news publications that include frank discussions of radical Islam ? the New Media Journal becoming the latest termination, as its owner just discovered.

Rusty Shackleford, owner of The Jawa Report, received a similar e-mail message March 29 informing him: “Upon recent review, we’ve found that your site contains hate speech, and we will no longer be including it in Google News.”

Two weeks later, Jim Sesi’s MichNews.com was cut off, with Google providing three examples of “hate speech” by conservative writer J. Grant Swank, Jr.

So, never underestimate the power of the Swank!

BTW, you can find the Swanster’s latest via Google News at such fine wingnut sites as The Post Chronicle (see, for example, “Anglicans Criticize Madonna Cross . . .”) and NewsByUs (“666! : Senate Votes on Homosexual Nuptials on 6-6-06“). So, your Swank fix is still available whenever you get to jonsing for some of that sweet, sweet prose.

But, if you’re like me, you want to know what the Pastor has to say about the most vital issue of our times, the new Tom Hanks’ movie and the novel it was based on. Therefore, allow me to present part of Pastor Swank’s seminal work, END TIMES DEVIL ATTACK AGAINST JESUS: DA VINCI CODE:

Dan Brown’s DA VINCI CODE presents Jesus as merely human, not divine.

This is another attack against the coming Christ. It comes from the devil.

Take that, Opie!

I could not help but conclude that with such good-news headway via Mel Gibson’s “The Passion,” the devil could not sit for long until he would blast thinkers with hell’s definition of Jesus. So there comes DA VINCI CODE making Jesus out to be “just one of us.”

That darn devil, always trying to best God’s box office!

Anyway, speaking of the DaVinci Code, David E. proposes another one of our popular* contest!

I’ve been told that the movie posits a particular person who is the
descendant of Jesus — but I don’t know who, as that wasn’t an element
of the book, which I shamefully did read.

So that could be a fun contest: who would be the funniest person to
claim is the descendant of Jesus? Jackie Mason? Bill O’Reilly?
Possibilities are endless.

They certainly are, David! So send in your entries today!

But to get back to what the blogger are all agog about, here’s more from Newsbuster Noel:

What will the next subject be that serves as a catalyst for Google to promote their unique brand of corporate censorship? Which website will be the next to have it’s Internet presence diminished at the hands of Google’s ?progressive? ideological agenda? WorldNetDaily? JihadWatch? NewsMax??

Not NewsMax!!! Dear God, not NewsMax! For if they are removed from Google News, wherever will we learn about “Men, Hate Rejection? Women Will Approach You First”?

Yet, maybe the wisest insight came from Nathan Tabor at The Conservative Voice: ?Google ALGORithms and AL GORE. The left-wing version of Internet symmetry??

Yeah, Nathan had the wisest insight. I think he said it all.

P.S. While writing this post, I had to wash 2 dogs (they discovered the joy of rolling in mud, and managed to be covered in clay from literally nose to tail, top to bottom), and had a computer die (I think it was the power supply again — I had to finish this on my antiquated computer in my basement that runs on kerosine and AOL 4.0). So, I learned that one disparages Swank at one’s peril!

In any case, start coming up with your ideas for the “Who is Descended from Jesus” contest.

*Popular, in that I like them, in that they force YOU to do the actual work, and they involve no actual judging, no prizes, and no acclaim.

[Note from Scott:  Below the fold I'm including the 57 comments this post originally attracted (oh, those were the days!).  Check it out, and you'll see many old, but not forgotten friends and maybe, just maybe, you'll even find...yourself!  I hope it's a pleasant discovery, and not like rooting around in the basement, looking for jumper cables, when you accidentally overturn a stack of old McCall's magazines and uncover a yellowed Polaroid of yourself hoisting a lukewarm can of Hamm's beer while sporting feathered hair, Chic Jeans, a screen-printed Qiana shirt open to the sternum, and a smile that says, "I've never looked better."]

Hmm…
I dunno, but I’m pretty sure any descendant of Jesus would have to be a rich white American male. Just stands to reason, does it not?

Left by BruceH on May 24th, 2006

we were slightly bemused when we heard that somebody at Google had to actually read their stuff.
He deserves a raise. Or at least, fully paid-for therapy.

Left by actor212 on May 24th, 2006

His decendants went to live in France, so?

Left by Kathy on May 24th, 2006

Rusty Shackleford?
Oh man, I’ve crossed swords with him…
Of course, that was akin to Ron Jeremy comparing penises with an infant, but hey…
Oh…my entry…who today is most likely descended from Jesus…
Lessee…He was blond haired, blue-eyed, son of a carpenter…HEY! That’s ME!

Left by actor212 on May 24th, 2006

I can only hope that the descendant of Jesus is black, liberal, Democrat, Wiccan, and currently under arrest for anti-war protesting.
ROLAND: I still don’t think [Jesus] is supposed to be white.
HILARY FAYE: Of COURSE he’s white!
–from Saved!

Left by Johnny M on May 24th, 2006

Any children Jesus had (one according to the Gnostics and Meroviginians) were probably born between 15 and 30 AD. In the nearly 2000 years since then (or between 80 and 130 generations) nearly anyone from Europe, the Middle East, or North Africa is likely to be related assuming that Jesus’s descendants have even average reproduction numbers (and a reasonable number fiddle with the population at large).
We are talking about children and descendants of someone, not a reincarnation or avatar.
Now if we are talking about some kind of genetically related heir, it would probably be some person doing good works, trying to help people get along with each other, and being distrusted by people in authority.

Left by histrogeek on May 24th, 2006

A great lyric from The The:
If the real Jesus Christ were to stand up today
he’d be gunned down cold by the CIA
Armageddon Days
Are Here (Again)
Dale Gribble is the paranoid, thin-skinned, conspiracy wingnut from Fox’s King of the Hill and uses the name Rusty Shackleford as his alias. I always took this to be a ‘neck homage to NASCAR driver Rusty Shackleford, but now I have a new persona in mind which is much more relevant and hilarious.

Left by Polyphilo on May 24th, 2006

I agree with histogeek – So probably the entire country of Iraq could trace their bloodlines back to Jesus. Which, of course, is why we’re trying so hard to annihilate them. Sure! Makes sense to me!

Left by BeginningToWonder on May 24th, 2006

I think David must not have survived to the end of TDC, because it was actually stated who the descendents of Jesus were. one of the main characters, natch.
as for the contest, my entry is Michael Moore.

Left by Kathleen on May 24th, 2006

For real irony I’d go for the lead singer of Decide or Hillary Clinton.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on May 24th, 2006

Given that there are several generations involved why limit to just one?
I’m thinking Janet Jackson, Carrot Top, and Larry Flynt are all top contenders.
Of course the most obvious of all would be…Swank! (because no one does irony like God)

Left by Ted on May 24th, 2006

Rumors on the Internets: Today In America-Hating
Hotmail hates America. Just kidding! But not really, they do. “Is this a case of Microsoft just being lazy and not fighting scammers in other countries, going after the most commonly used phishers, or is something more nefarious at work?”…

Left by Wonkette on May 24th, 2006

who would be the funniest person to claim is the descendant of Jesus?
My money’s on Dr Ruth.
And Johnny M, you forgot lesbian.
Personally, I think Swank & Co should shut up. Google was more than fair: they gave them a complete pass on years of anti-gay hate speech, among other things.

Left by D. Sidhe on May 24th, 2006

who would be the funniest person to claim is the descendant of Jesus?
I happen to know it’s David Blaine. If you watched really carefully, you could see that his totally lame water globe trick turned into a totally lame wine globe trick, just for a second.

Left by Mojo on May 24th, 2006

I nominate that guy, what’s his name, who wrote the Da Vinci Code.

Left by melior on May 24th, 2006

I dunno about the descendents of the Christ, but wouldn’t the descendents of his followers be “Phishers of Men”?
(Sorry; it’s late…)

Left by JoeBuddha on May 24th, 2006

It’s noted misogynist, Carey “Pops” Roberts of Renew America. Hey, Christ-kissers–ya better figure it out, soon! ‘Cos that’s one second coming that’s gonna be going real, real soon (age joke, not a threat for you NSAers out there)!

Left by Marq on May 25th, 2006

Who would be the funniest person to claim is the descendant of Jesus?
Boxing promoter Don King?
Icelandic singer Bjork?
Popcorn icon Orville Rettenbacker?
Or maybe Wayne Newton?

Left by Ba'al on May 25th, 2006

There is only One who could be the descendant of Jesus. He not only spreads His Goodness throughout the world, but He’s plenty meek, too: They call Him “The Pillsbury Doughboy.”
(C’mon, wouldn’t most people prefer a chewy Cinnamon Roll over a lousy wafer?)

Left by R.Porrofatto on May 25th, 2006

Ted beat me to it – I second the Swankster as Jesus’ less-than-clueful descendant. He gets the speaking in parables part, but missed out on the concept that the parables are supposed to mean something.

Left by Buffalo Gal on May 25th, 2006

Great. Swank’s probably ruined Sadly, No!’s chances of hitting the big time now too…

Left by Brad R. on May 25th, 2006

I think it’s Michael Jackson, after all, isn’t he trying to constantly transform himself? and don’t forget the Jesus Juice. not just anyone can turn Coke into wine

Left by preznit giv me turkee on May 25th, 2006

Osama bin Forgotten? He’s swarthy, has the semitic nose and a beard. Plus he’s sort of religious. And wasn’t Jesus real tall?

Left by merlallen on May 25th, 2006

I think Hillary wins this one.

Left by actor212 on May 25th, 2006

That person actually used the word ‘agog’? For real? Hey, if that word is making a comeback, I want to be in on it. I must remember to use it frequently at the office. (“Why ar eyou agog at my suggestion that you can’t manage your way out o a paper bag?”)

Left by Serge on May 25th, 2006

A Mexican illegal working as a gardener. Even better, he would actually be named “Jesus.”
BTW, since when is it censorship to remove one of these RW sites from the “news” category??

Left by Woodrowfan on May 25th, 2006

johnny cash. not to be witty or sarcastic or anything. i always thought that he was very christ-like.

Left by paul on May 25th, 2006

paul,
He’s dead, though. Maybe Willie Nelson. I’ve had a face-to-face convorsation with Willie and could fully believe he’s some sort of holy man. Plus, he’s got no problem with teh gay, which pisses off the wingnuts to no end.

Left by Matt T. on May 25th, 2006

Dangit, Ted also beat me to it with Carrot Top.
I like the idea of Ron Jeremy. Not the reality, because, you know, ewww. But the idea is funny.
I think it would be the TimeCube guy.http://www.timecube.com/
Or else PZ Myers.

Left by Temporary costello on May 25th, 2006

Or else PZ Myers
Oh, man. Now you’ve done it. Do we look like we *need* roving bands of attack squids in the comments here?
I’m still sticking by Dr Ruth, but, boy oh boy, wouldn’t Bill Clinton just freak the wingnuts all the hell out? They’d all become Moonies overnight.

Left by D. Sidhe on May 25th, 2006

I never believed Google’s motto of ‘Do no Evil’. First it was them sucking up to China, and now we see that they’ve been giving Swank a place to suck.
While I do not claim to be a descendent of Jesus, I do have a strong belief that my progenetors were the result of a torrid relationship between John the Baptist and Herrod’s niece’s daughter Salome. Boy, was she pissed when he abandoned her to go skinny dipping in the river!
So who is the son^nth of Jesus today? The Buddhists have it all wrong, of course. Steven Seagal is no bodhisattva or reincarnated lama. He truly has God’s blood flowing through him, although it took two centuries to finally filter out all those wussy Jesus ‘love’ genes to leave one true to God’s nature: a screw-the-acting, kick-ass, elbow-breaking, kill-em-now-let-Me-sort-em-out-later prophet, i.e., just the sort of man Doug Giles wishes his daughters were.
And no, Kathy. Not France, but Japan.

Left by arghous on May 25th, 2006

I think D. Sidhe wins.
But Bill Clinton with roving gangs of attack squids is definitely the Leadser for the New Millenium.
Bring back Clenis with PZ as tha Enforcer.

Left by Temporary costello on May 25th, 2006

Her initials are CM and she lives in England, where she protects both her privacy and the little terrier she loves with equal vigor.
I like her – an older woman, a little pudgy, no distinguishing marks – but I doubt the religious conservatives would. Though she’s a staunch Catholic who rejects Vatican II, she even more harshly rejects the notions that the poor should be left to starve or that brown people are worth less than white.
Nope, they wouldn�t find any sympathy at all from this woman.

Left by The Devil's Advocate on May 25th, 2006

oh, come on, its definately Jacques Chirac.

Left by Dan on May 25th, 2006

Who would be the funniest person to claim is the descendant of Jesus?
I also vote for Don King (who has probably already made said claim himself).
The late John Belushi is also a thought–personally, I’d love it if he rose again!

Left by Sean on May 25th, 2006

We need the government to censor right-wing sites and establish a special police to monitor offensive speech.

Left by Roth on May 25th, 2006

Here’s some I’d like see…
Hugh Hefner: Not only did he believe that nice people could like sex, he was also preaching racial unity in the 60′s when Falwell and Robertson were singing the joys of segration.
Larry the Cable Guy: Come on, you have to admit that it would be funny.
Jimmy Carter: A true Christian president unlike hypocrites like the two Bushes and Regan, Jimmy advocated for peace, the enviornment, and continued to help others after leaving office.
Technically there are decendents of Christ out there via Jesus’ brothers and sisters (it is mentioned in the bible that Joseph and Mary had other kids). Maybe it’s for the better than the possibly of a decendent isn’t offical church cannon. I shudder to think that some fundy group might try to exalt some slimy politican by making claims that he’s a decendant of Jesus.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on May 25th, 2006

If David Blaine can be nominated, then I’ve got to go with GOB Bluth. Of course, that would mean the whole Bluth family, which would be awesome. COME on!

Left by mnvnjnsn on May 25th, 2006

I’m gonna go with the obvious:
Penn Gillette.
If he ever found out, he’d just swirled into nothingness after debunking himself.

Left by thedarkbackward on May 25th, 2006

OK, bastards, you asked for it…
Descendants of Jesus of Nazareth hanging around Rome in the early renaissance no doubt would have (two or three generations later)wandered over to Spain, hooked up with Hernan Cortez and others like him, sailed across the Atlantic in galleons, donned fancy brass armor and been involved with the conquest of Moctezuma’s empire, and settled down and interbred with the locals, whom they helped Christianize. Fast forward four centuries or so, and you can find a whole bunch of Jesus’ descendants sneaking across our goddamn borders, stealing our jobs, and destroying our way of life just the way their old man fucked things up for the Roman empire two millenia ago. Jesus’ uncanny ability to fast in the desert was no doubt hereditarily transmitted to his descendants, who found it helpful for dodging INS agents out among the cholla cactus south of Yuma in the middle of a pleasant 110-degree afternoon.
Not funny, really, but way more plausible than Carrot Top.

Left by trashfire on May 25th, 2006

Shaquille O’Neal. Watch out if he starts calling himself the “Big Messiah”.

Left by ExPat on May 26th, 2006

The Pastor himself has weighed in on his banishment, and, of course, he’s very, very upset which leads hims to say some, well, really Swankian things.
http://www.outsidethetent.com/wp/archives/auschwank/

Left by Clif on May 26th, 2006

Maybe it’s because I just got back from Florida (remember: FLA rymes with BAH) and therefore suggest the answer to be… Jeb!

Left by heydave on May 26th, 2006

I’m pretty sure it’s Gerald from Subway. I don’t know why, but he definitely has Jesus’ eyes and calves. I think mojo may be right too though – David Blaine could also be Yesu-progeny.

Left by Carmen Sutra on May 26th, 2006

Folks, you’re ALL wrong. The Prince of Peace’s modern day descendant is The General! Can’t you see the resemblance?
http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/

Left by TF-MA on May 26th, 2006

I thought the General was an avatar. I suppose that wouldn’t rule out a direct blood link…

Left by D. Sidhe on May 27th, 2006

Actually, Our Lord & Savior sired sextuplets, and their progeny in turn reuinted in the early 20th century as the ‘Trapp Family Singers.’ I know this because I alone posses the sacred codex of Oscar Hammerstein, discovered underneath a phone booth at Sardi’s—soon to be auctioned due to substantial rent arrears.

Left by Mr. Lazy_Fuck on May 27th, 2006

Yet, maybe the wisest insight came from Nathan Tabor at The Conservative Voice: �Google ALGORithms and AL GORE. The left-wing version of Internet symmetry?�
The conspiracy runs deeper than that. The word “algorith” comes from the name of Al-Khwarizmi, the Muslim Persian mathematician who lived in Iraq. So google is clearly an Islamofacist organization. I guess this means all CS departments are also Islamofacist.
But what on earth is an “Internet symmetry”?

Left by shaker on May 27th, 2006

I’ve thought about this for a few days, and my nomination is Ron Popeil – I mean look at all the stuff he came up with: Veg-O-Matic, Dial-O-Matic, Drain Buster, Smokeless Ashtray. Miraculous. He feeds the hungry with his Electric Food Dehyrator and gives drink to the thirsty with his cap snaffler. And if you’ve seen him on T.V. recently, he certainly looks like he just came back from the dead.

Left by tomg on May 28th, 2006

I vote for Jesse Ventura

Left by Anonymous on May 29th, 2006

I vote for Jesse Ventura

Left by pwax on May 29th, 2006

Yahoo Serious.
(take that infidel Google)

Left by fish on May 29th, 2006

it’s this swedish guy I know. jesus jesusson.

Left by gjdodger on May 29th, 2006

Gerard Depardieu

Left by Singularity on May 30th, 2006

Oh, and I thought Dan Brown implied that Sophie is the last descendant of Christ and Magdalene. It’s been a while since I read it, though, and the book sucked.

Left by Singularity on May 30th, 2006

“Dan Brown�s DA VINCI CODE presents Jesus as merely human, not divine.”
This is so terribly offensive to those people who have a personal relationship with Jeeeezuz…..and are indwellt with the Holy Spirit….and will one day sit at the right hand of God.
I mean Dan Brown is practically attacking the fundies’ demigod status, how dare he!

Left by Anonymous on June 1st, 2006

[...] Mosquewatch has several other contributors – as well as the Swanksta there is Walid Shoebat’s son Theodore (or “Ted”) Shoebat, and a comic-book artist named Bosch Fawstin; Fawstin draws cartoons of a superhero named “Pigman”, who battles Islamic terrorism. Like Davis, Fawstin seems to think that going on obsessively and vacuously about how Islam must be defeated is some kind of actual contribution to fighting extremism. [...]

Left by Walid Shoebat’s Son Shares Blog with BNP Supporter « Bartholomew’s Notes on Religion on January 1st, 2009