Friday, November 15, 2013

And James O'Keefe as "Dildo" Your Yeoman Purser

John Fund is a serious, serious man.  True, his bio describes him as an "American political journalist and conservative columnist," which means he's a "journalist" in the same way Ronald McDonald is a "clown" -- he's not, but he plays one on TV.  Also, he's "currently the national-affairs columnist for National Review Online," which is like being the one sort of smart guy in the slob fraternity -- the Hoover, say, to Jonah Goldberg's Flounder.  Prior to that, he spent twenty years writing for The Wall Street Journal, which I'm not really familiar with, but it's owned by Rupert Murdoch so it's probably safe to assume it's a guttersniping scandal rag with tits on page 3.

Among Fund's known associates are alleged sex tourist and admitted drug addict Rush Limbaugh, with whom Fund wrote a book, presumably a guide to the best drugs to take when visiting a Dominican joy house; and Hans von Spakovsky, who I'm just going to assume is a James Bond villain.  Finally, and most alarmingly, he's a senior editor at The American Spectator, which, judging by the title, is some kind of trade journal for voyeurs.  (I guess I could have actually looked some of these people and publications up, but John's article is a puff piece for James "Love Boat" O'Keefe's latest video expose, and if there's one thing I've learned from O'Keefe, it's that facts merely fuck up a good story.)

Anyway, even if John Fund's professional credentials are largely self-refuting, and he runs with a disreputable crowd of idiots, fabulists, and sociopaths, you can't deny that he has serious hair.  As Melanie Griffith's character Tess says in Working Girl, "You wanna be taken seriously, you need serious hair" and John Fund has taken that lesson to heart and to head.  He's got the kind of hair that would have graced an ad for The Dry Look in 1972, when Gillette was trying to persuade hopelessly square Greg Marmalard types to give up that greasy kid stuff in favor of the more natural stiffness of hair spray, the kind of cautious, One Step Beyond Brylcream 'do that makes him look like the third hippest aide to Bob Haldeman.
The Truth about Navigators: James O’Keefe reveals corruption at the heart of the president’s signature program. 
James O’Keefe, the guerrilla videographer who helped bring down ACORN (the “community organizing” group that Barack Obama worked for as a lawyer and trainer) and got NPR’s president fired, is back.
James O'Keefe is a "guerrilla videographer" in the same way the Contras were "guerrilla freedom fighters," in that they've both received money under suspicious circumstances from shadowy right wing figures.  I hear they also shop for Double-Header Jelly Dildos at the No Exit Only Outlet Mall in Sartreville, Arkansas.
This time, his undercover investigators focused on Obamacare’s “navigators,” the nearly 50,000 people who, in the words of the Department of Health and Human Services, “will serve as an in-person resource for Americans who want additional assistance in shopping for and enrolling in plans” on the Obamacare exchanges (at least when they’re finally working). The total value of grants doled out for nonprofits and community organizations to hire navigators has topped $67 million nationwide, and some of the money is going to a group run by ACORN’s highly controversial founder.
Why is ACORN's founder so highly controversial?  Well, it turns out that despite being history's greatest monster, he's spent less time in jail than James O'Keefe (known to the boys in Cellblock B as "O-Face").
The events of O’Keefe’s video of a Texas navigator site run by the National Urban League are a familiar sight to viewers of his past efforts exposing Medicaid and voter fraud. Government-paid workers supposedly trained to uphold the law advise clients on how to lie on government forms, evade legal requirements, and ignore proper procedures.
If you wanted to lie for a living, Miss Government-paid Worker, you should have invested in a spy cam and a copy of Final Cut Pro (sure, they're pricey, but poor people have too many luxuries nowadays anyway -- TVs, cell phones, souls -- and you could easily finance your guerrilla videography start-up by selling the latter to Andrew Breitbart.  Or at least you could have, before he was transferred to the Home Office).
“You lie because your premiums will be higher,” one navigator advises an investigator for O’Keefe’s Project Veritas, who tells the worker he sometimes smokes. “Don’t tell them that. Don’t tell ’em.”
Judging by the history of O'Keefe's little scoops -- such as his creatively edited NPR hoax -- the navigator's words were likely uttered in response to some entirely different statement, and then carefully and deceitfully dubbed elsewhere to create an incriminating context.  Unfortunately, I don't have access to the raw video from Jimmy's latest mixtape, but I'm going to guess that the provocateur said something like, "I know insurance agents ask a lot of personal questions, and I know it's important to be honest, but I'm wondering...just how honest?  Should I tell them my hopes and dreams?  My deepest fears?  My secret ambition to be on Iron Chef with an ingredient only I know how to cook?"
"A good Bone-In Rectum is more tender and flavorful, of course, but legally problematic, as that's also the title of a 1982 feature film from Man-Chest Motion Pictures.  But I've been experimenting in my kitchen day and night, until now I can turn out a delicious boneless pork rectum using nothing but a Crème brûlée torch and a speculum.  I should just be up-front about that, right?"
There’s much more in the video, which O’Keefe hints will not be his last. Left unexplored is how so many navigators nationwide were hired without any background checks required.
They probably lied to conceal their real plan to help poor people sign up for health insurance by saying they just wanted to buy a gun.
 While Texas and some other states have passed requirements of their own, the absence of such checks at the federal level was acknowledged by HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius last week. She was asked by Texas senator John Cornyn if “a convicted felon could be a navigator and could acquire sensitive personal information from an individual unbeknownst to them.” 
“It’s possible,” was Secretary Sebelius’s less-than-comforting reply.
Anything's possible, I suppose.  If you wanted to go all nutty, worst-case-scenario, you could imagine some weird dystopia where an admitted rapist is elected to a state legislature and allowed to carry a concealed firearm, but that's crazy enough that you'd probably have to subcontract the job to Anthony Burgess.
Michael Astrue served as commissioner of Social Security until earlier this year, and in the 1990s served as general counsel for HHS. He wrote in The Weekly Standard last month that he is genuinely frightened of the lax security surrounding the Obamacare website, and the fact that navigators will access the federal data hub to help people enroll:
HHS opened the door to large-scale fraud by providing funding for tens of thousands of “navigators”—people who are supposed to persuade the uninsured to apply for coverage and then assist them in the application process. Instead of hiring well-screened, well-trained, and well-supervised workers, HHS decided to build political support for the Affordable Care Act by pouring money into supportive organizations so they could launch poorly trained workers into their communities without obtaining criminal background checks or creating systems for monitoring their activities.
Yeah, why didn't they just hire people already well-trained in a heretofore non-existent program?  There must have been some previously vetted professional Navigators with high level security clearances available for temporary, low-paying jobs telling people how to look up insurance plans.  I myself don't have all those qualifications, but I did take a night class in "Mastering Netscape Navigator" in junior college, so I'm more than a little hurt that Health and Human Services didn't head-hunt me.
As a practical matter, these navigators are unaccountable
They're loose cannons who don't play by the rules!...while explaining another, more complex set of rules involving deductibles and subsidies. I dunno about you, but I smell a four-quadrant tentpole summer action franchise!
It will not take long for navigators to become predators, and HHS has no plan to deal with the new breed of predators it is creating.
Well, whatever plan they develop, I just hope it doesn't involve using Aliens to deal with the Predators...
...because frankly they're crappy project managers.  They set unclear goals, have poor follow-through, and half the time their team-building exercises involve laying eggs in your chest.
Last Friday, the Washington Post ran a piece by Ed Rogers, a former top deputy in the 1988 George H. W. Bush campaign, entitled “Six Reasons Obamacare Will Get Worse for Democrats.” One reason leaps out:
Navigators. If you liked ACORN, you’ll love the Obamacare Navigators.
I thank Ed for clearing up my lingering confusion.  I thought Navigators were contract workers hired to help vulnerable Americans understand their rights under a new program, in the face of a ubiquitous disinformation campaign funded by a cabal of right-wing billionaires, when in reality they're just another impostor fragrance.

I’m sure there will be good, sincere people who really want to help people navigate the Obamacare maze.
Fortunately, we've got Young Jimmy Olsen O'Keefe to smear the crap out of them.
The law’s problems are coming from more sides than a pentadecagon. 
The Pentadecagon, as you probably know, recently replaced the Pentacle as the logo for Koch Industries, because David and Charles were afraid people might be catching on.

9 comments:

Carl said...

the Hoover, say, to Jonah Goldberg's Flounder.

This makes Blogtopia (copyright Skippy) the Jewish house?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Prior to that, he spent twenty years writing for The Wall Street Journal, which I'm not really familiar with, but it's owned by Rupert Murdoch so it's probably safe to assume it's a guttersniping scandal rag with tits on page 3.

Since Rupert Murdoch only bought it recently, there aren't tits on page 3.

YET.
~

Yastreblyansky said...

And how many sides *does* a pentadecagon come from? I know if I were a pentadecagon I'd be taking vows of chastity precisely because of doubts on that score.

M. Bouffant said...

Cheeses Christ (No, not cheese w/ pork ...)

Damn! Boneless, too! (Not going there either.) Up there w/ "GIFTGAS!" for labeling.

These "navigators" sound worse than census takers. Shoot 'em all, right?

Chris Vosburg said...

Yas writes: And how many sides *does* a pentadecagon come from?

penta (five) plus deca (ten) = fifteen sides. But you knew that, wink wink.

trashfire said...

The way John Fund smiles without moving the rest of his face reminds me of former AZ Governor Evan Mecham. In fact, with enough botox, Mecham could look exactly like that. Makes you wonder.

Keith said...

Boneless pork rectums huh? Well, is it better than cat food? That's all O'Keefe & co. have to offer us in lieu of something like survival.

Survival is for cockroaches and bed-bugs. Thanks, Scotty. Another thug to watch out for.

Stacia said...

So O'Keefe is reduced to churning out these meaningless worry-a-week faux news articles specifically designed to keep the already-heightened fears of the terminally Teaparty types at a low simmer. Whelp, couldnta happened to a nicer guy.

Aunt Snow said...

Has John Fund stopped beating his wife yet?

Seriously, take a trip through Google about this guy. He has a history of domestic abuse.