"All right, that's it for today. Read chapter 13 in Modern Trends in Criminology for Monday -- Oh, and remember, I'll be in my office Wednesday, and I'll be declaring fatwas against you on Tuesday, but not Thursday..."
Note: This column contains language that may be unsuitable for some readers, especially thin-skinned homosexual activists and hypocritical bigots.So Dr. Mike has managed to write a column that is unsuitable for himself (I'd tell you which of the two groups he falls into, but I've been asked by the producers not to reveal the incredible secret of The Frying Game).
The faux outrage over Chick-fil-a's stance on gay marriage has moved to my little campus of UNCW, which stands for the University of North Carolina – We Teach Students to be B*tchy Little Bigots.
STUDENT: (Weeping) From you, alright? I learned it from watching you!
And no student has elevated bitchiness to a Zen art quite like Brice Horton. He recently decided to take action to get Chick-fil-a removed from the university food court because he has to have all of his meals prepared by people who approve of homosexual sodomy.Dr. Mike, on the other hand, insists that his all-breast meat chickenwiches be personally deep-fried by hetero furries.
And apparently, he can’t just choose to eat elsewhere.Or he was making some kind of political statement. Kind of like the time Dr. Mike drilled holes in the skulls of kittens on the steps of the UNCW Women's Center to protest PETA's refusal to outlaw abortion, or that time he made smoothies out of fetuses and served them to the African-American residents of a housing project to protest their opening a community garden instead of outlawing abortion, except Mr. Horton's protest occurred in four dimensional space, rather than Dr. Mike's two dimensional head.
Horton has confessed to his bigotry - admitting he's contacted Aramark, the company that handles all of the food choices at UNCW.That seems like two separate things, actually...
CUSTOMER: I'd like to register a complaint.
COMPLAINT DEPT. MANAGER: Certainly, sir, that's why we're here.
CUSTOMER: Well, I was double-charged for --
COMPLAINT DEPT. MANAGER: Ah-HA! So you ADMIT your bigotry!
For the record, I am assuming that food preferences, like sexual practices, are determined by choice, not by genetics.Just like I chose to be allergic to strawberries. And believe me, with the tempting variety of ways one can suffer anaphylactic shock these days, it was not an easy choice (I nearly went with the peanut allergy, but ultimately I felt that had become a bit too cliché).
UNCW released a statement just a couple of days after Horton waged his jihad against freedom of religion and diversity of food choice.It's this kind of crusade against religious freedom and diversity of food choice that has tragically prevented the Catholic church from offering communion wafers in Spicy Chipotle and Cool Ranch flavors.
UNCW announced that Chick-fil-a will remain on campus. It must have been gut-wrenching for UNCW to make a correct common-sense decision. But even a broken clock is right twice a day.tenure [ten-yer] noun. The ability to bitch about your employers and customers on the internet without fear of getting fired.
Anyway, while the story had a happy ending from Dr. Mike's perspective, that wasn't good enough:
Although correct, the reason UNCW gave for the decision, as quoted by local television station WECT, is disturbing. They were quoted as saying that the management and employees at the Chick-fil-a location at UNCW are Aramark employees who "fully adhere to the diversity and inclusion principles specified by Aramark and UNCW."Or UNCW called Aramark, which runs the concessions, asked if they're in compliance with school policy, got an affirmative response, then issued some soothing PR bullshit so people didn't clog up the food court with picket signs. And the thing is, Aramark, unlike Chick-Fil-A, probably does believe in diversity. After all, if you check their website, you learn that:
In other words, the university appears to have taken the time to investigate the Aramark employees in order to see whether they had the right (that means left) values needed to remain on campus.
ARAMARK has consistently ranked since 1998 as one of the top three most admired companies in its industry as evaluated by peers and analysts. Also in 2012, ARAMARK was honored as one of the World’s Most Ethical Companies by the Ethisphere Institute.They're also been honored as the World's Most Unifying Company by the Flushing Meadows Unisphere.
What happened to our commitment to diversity of opinion? It is worth noting that there is no indication that UNCW investigated Brice Horton to see whether he “adheres to the diversity and inclusion principles” needed to remain on campus. Obviously, he does not.I don't know whether Brice had to take out a student loan to pay for his education at the University of North Carolina-Wilmington, but he's certainly getting his moneys worth. While some state schools are trimming budgets, and cutting programs such as extracurricular activities, library hours, and Teachers Assistants, UNCW continues to provide each student with his own faculty stalker.
Anyway, Brice's crime against diversity was to email a food service and facilities management company:
WILMINGTON, NC (WECT) - The national outrage over Chick-fil-a's stance on gay marriage has moved to the local campus of UNCW.It's like the French Revolution, except worse, because Robespierre's bloody Reign of Terror never threatened to deprive the citizenry of their delicious drive-thru coq a vin.
Student, Brice Horton has taken action to get the restaurant removed from the school.
Horton says he's contacted Aramark, the company that handles food concessions at UNCW. "At this time the university and Aramark are reviewing the situation and receiving feedback from the Student Government Association and other organizations on this issue," explained Horton
The entire incident shows that UNCW is willing to investigate people to determine whether they should be excluded in order to promote inclusion. This could not get more Orwellian, could it?
If your panties are particularly prone to twisting, I guess not. Otherwise, it kinda strikes me as Oh-wellian.
Yes it could. The entire statement issued by UNCW is worth reading:It's actually not, unless you're a fan of press release boilerplate. But by all means, feel free to click on through; if nothing else, it'll make your company's employee handbook sound a Jackie Collins novel.
Did everyone catch that? UNCW will respect speech even if “that speech goes against our values.” What are UNCW’s collective values? More specifically, what speech did Chick-fil-a express that goes against UNCW’s collective values? Is UNCW saying that it supports same-sex marriage? If not, why do they seem to be distancing themselves from Chick-fil-a while “allowing” them to remain on campus?Seriously, it's like his underpants are self-wadding. You could starch 'em, iron 'em, but ten seconds after he puts them on, they're twisted like a Twizzler.
If I were UNCW Chancellor Gary Miller, I would do three things immediately. First, I would clarify UNCW’s stance on same-sex marriage, which had better be one of neutrality. Second, I would fire the incompetent who wrote the Chick-fil-a press release. Finally, I would expel Brice Horton immediately.I would also complain to the referee that my underpants had me in a Tongan Death Grip, which is an illegal choke-hold in North Carolina. Failing that, I would tap out.
Of course, the moral case for expelling Brice Horton has nothing to do with his beliefs about same-sex marriage. It has everything to do with his lack of emotional maturity.And if you don't believe me, I have lots of other damning examples in the Brice Horton Slam Book I keep in my locker.
If we don’t get this kid off campus, he might encounter other ideas that might cause him to lose his composure. He might throw another hissy fit, which would lead others to say that gay activists are nothing more than emotionally inferior lunatics. Such speech would promote stereotypes. And that’s the kind of speech that goes against our collective values.Adopting Ouroboros as your coat of arms is one thing, but by this point in the post, Dr. Professor Mike's head is so far up his ass that he's run into the spelunking ladies from the 2005 horror film, The Descent, asked them out on a date, and been turned down because -- nothing personal -- but the cave-dwelling monsters have better personalities and fewer impulse control issues.