The Exorcist 6: The Update

Because it's not everyday that you hear of an exorcist sex scandal, I did a little googling to see if there is anything more on the Father Euteneuer story. While Tom O'Toole does seem to have an exclusive on it, I did find a Palm Beach Post story from a few days ago which has some interesting details. So, here are the highlights.

Exorcist priest exits public spotlight, mystifying many

It was a classic cable-TV shouting match.

After criticizing Fox Television commentator Sean Hannity for being soft on the abortion issue, Rev. Thomas Euteneuer said he would deny Hannity communion because of his views.

"Wow," said Hannity, a Catholic and former seminary student, rendered temporarily speechless by the rebuke.

Maybe I was wrong about the Father -- anybody who can shut up Hannity even temporarily can't be totally evil.

That was three years ago. Euteneuer was the president and the very public face of Human Life International, a worldwide anti-abortion organization. [...] He was also an exorcist. HLI, his publisher as well as his employer, was promoting his new book on its website.

But this summer, without warning, Euteneuer, 48, left his HLI post, saying he had been called back to the Palm Beach Diocese by Bishop Gerald Barbarito. His book on exorcism disappeared.

If we didn't already know what happened, I'd say it was probably the work of demons.

In another interview, Euteneuer said one demon offered to help him with his Latin if he would let him stay put. Asked by the interviewer if that might be an example of demonic humor, Euteneuer retorted that demons have no sense of humor.

And, as we know, Hannity has no sense of humor. Therefore, Hannity is a demon. QED.

He condemned the Harry Potter books and movies, the Twilight vampire books and movies and the television sitcom Sabrina the Teenaged Witch as vehicles for the devil to enter weaker natures.

As the old saying goes, the path to hell is paved with Sabrina the Teenaged Witch.

He also advocated that exorcisms be performed outside abortion clinics, which he described as "temples of a demonic religion."

Euteneuer harshly criticized the public funeral for Sen. Edward Kennedy:

"Senator Kennedy will not be missed by the unborn who he betrayed time and time again, nor by the rest of us who are laboring to undo the scandalous example of Catholicism that he gave to three generations of Americans," wrote Euteneuer in an official HLI statement in 2009.

Um, yeah, that's what Fr. Tom was doing with those women: "laboring to undo the scandalous example of Catholicism."

By September, it was nearly impossible to buy a copy of his book, Exorcism and the Church Militant, just published in June. One online bookseller was offering it for $975.

Since the exorcism book became scarce, its value has shot up. Royal Oak, a used-book seller in Virginia, this month sold its only copy of Exorcism and the Church Militant for $500. Royal Oak priced the book at $500 after seeing the $975 price online.

Just think, if you had bought a million copies of the book back in June, you could be a millionaire right now! Plus, you would be the only one in the world who would know how to drive out the demons, and you could extort them for millions too! But maybe they thought of that first, and THEY are the ones who bought up all the copies. If so, you'll probably see them showing up on eBay any day now.

"Rumors that the book was 'pulled' or 'recalled' are not true," said Stephen Phelan, Human Life International spokesman. "We released Father Euteneuer's Exorcism and the Church Militant in June, and sold out of it some time after his departure from HLI, so it was on sale for over three months. It was decided not to reprint it as we no longer had Father Euteneuer on hand to explain the connection between exorcism and our pro-life mission, and we wanted to focus completely on our mission going forward."

Yeah, it would be kind of hard for the lay person to explain the connection between exorcism and the unborn.

But hey, here's somebody who can maybe do it.

Euteneuer became a hero to Christy Larker after she met him several years ago at a Catholic radio conference in Alabama, where she lives. She was then pregnant with her seventh child.

"Within that first trimester, I was experiencing something of a demonic nature," Larker said. "Something was not right. He was the keynote speaker and afterward, I went up to talk to him about the things I was struggling with. He laid his hands on me and started praying. By the end of the week I was set free from whatever it was. People noticed that I had a greater sense of peace. Several months later, I was told that he was an exorcist. God is so good."

So, we are to assume that Christy's baby was a demon, and . . . Tom exorcised it? But what if it wasn't the only devil fetus out there. If so, then maybe he was all wrong about abortions. Hey, Father Tom, it's something to think about.

The Exorcist 5: The Quickening

If, like me, you are not up on all the latest Catholic gossip and scandals, fear no more -- for, thanks to diligent Renew America columnists, you can knowledgeably join in the talk around the holy water cooler.

And this is quite a story -- while not the greatest story ever told, it is pretty interesting, being the tale of a charismatic priest who developed a cult of personality, fought bravely for embattled womb babies, exorcised a bunch of demons, and then fell from grace, so to speak. I hope to see it soon as a Renew America feature presentation.

Anyway, our Renew America saga begins with a mystery (and not one of those divine ones). Devout young Catholic columnist Matt C. Abbott had penned many columns quoting the dashing anti-abortion priest Thomas Euteneuer (see, for example "Courageous priest blasts Obama, Congress"), but he saved his true admiration for the Father's thrilling feats of exorcism. But a couple of months ago Matt noted that the priest had suddenly disappeared from view, and that even his tomes on demon expelling had vanished from the shelves.

Father Tom Euteneuer, former president of Human Life International and author of a book on exorcism that was pulled off the market not long after it was published and promoted (including in this column), has seemingly "disappeared."

As my regular readers will know, I've quoted Father Euteneuer often over the last few years. But in news that surprised even me, HLI announced in late August that Father was stepping down as HLI president.

In order to pursue other opportunities, spend more time with his family, and take over as Governor of Alaska.

In addition to his rather abrupt departure from HLI, Father's book Exorcism and the Church Militant, which was being promoted by HLI in July, was essentially pulled from circulation not long ago, a vague reason given for doing so.

Strange, if you ask me.

A little too strange!

I do know this: There's "more to the story," and whatever transpired is not the result of a bishop's persecution. There are at least a few individuals who know the whole story, but, right now, they're not willing, or able, to divulge the details. Perhaps they don't want me, or anyone else, to pursue the matter. Well, that doesn't sit well with me.

Way to go, Matt. The truth is out there! Keep watching the skies!

I hope to find out more in the coming weeks. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

You can't ask for more than that.

Anyway, to me it just seemed like another case for Supernatural's Winchester brothers, so I didn't pay it much mind.

Until this week, when a broken, demoralized Matt wrote briefly about his difficult time. ("I'm either going through a difficult time (nothing new to me) — spiritually and emotionally — or I'm having a crisis of faith. A dark night of the soul, perhaps.") Somehow, fr. Euteneuer was involved in Matt losing his religion, but Matt was reticent on the subject.

Fortunately, Jenn Giroux (a past Wo'C Wingnut to Watch, and formerly Mel Gibson's biggest fan) also penned a piece about fr. Euteneuer this week. And by telling us all to mind our own business, she made the mystery so much more interesting.

Lately I have been reading many disturbing things about Fr. Tom Euteneuer's departure from Human Life International (HLI), speculation on where he is, and outrageous theories and accusations circulating on the internet. As I sort through the speculation, gossip and hearsay, I see clearly that Father Tom has been handed his cross and is carrying it in silence.

Just like Father Charlie Sheen.

Anyway, Jenn gives us a recap of Fr. Tom's great work in the meddling with women's reproductive rights -- not to mention his hand-to-hand combat with Satan. And apparently when you face the devil in the ring of the World Wrestling Federation, you just might get a little evil on your robe and collar.

In addition to helping thousands of people grow closer to God, Fr. Tom conducted an exorcism ministry that helped hundreds of troubled people and this required direct confrontation with the forces of darkness.

Surely most of us have no idea what that exorcism ministry really involved and how much Satan and his minions have targeted Fr. Tom Euteneuer for destruction.

No,I don't know what his exorcism ministry involved, and don't call me Shirley! But I do wonder about why the Pope never mentioned anything about hundreds of possessed people. But I can see that if the good Father really kicked out hundreds of demons from the bodies of the god-fearing, then they and their boss might be after some revenge on Father Tom.

Few priests have so publicly and willingly taken on such controversial and morally difficulty challenges. If we forever remain ignorant of why Fr. Tom has been temporarily removed from public life, we can probably still assume that he is suffering the most intense form of private spiritual warfare.

And we can probably assume that Jenn is here to tell everyone to mind their own business about what Fr. Tom and the demons are up to.

While few know the details underlying Fr. Tom's removal from public life — I certainly do not — ignorance has not deterred imprudent tongues and keyboards from casting dark innuendos toward Fr. Tom, his Bishop, and others. It apparently does not occur to such people that, whatever the facts, there will be unnecessary collateral damage in the form of innocent victims.

Yeah! Whenever priests are involved in scandals there will be innocent victims involved, and so we should just cover the whole thing up, in order to protect these victims.

Whether Fr. Tom is blameworthy or completely innocent, you can be certain that he would respect the reputations of others far more than others are respecting his.

Maybe, just maybe, we don't need to know the whole story.

Okay then, let's move along. Nothing to see here.

But wait, here's columnist Tom O'Toole with the whole story.

Fr. Thomas Euteneuer, former head of Human Life International and Notre Dame Class of '84 and once-bold critic of all public figures who supported abortion and sexual perversity, now also seems offended that his own sexual failings should find their way into print.

Uh oh, it's a sex scandal! I was hoping it was just another case of fraud, charlatanism, and fixed demon fights.

Let's start with what has already been made known about the fall of Fr. Tom. The Diocese of Palm Beach has acknowledged (privately) "at least one inappropriate relationship," while the HLI side said (off the record) that "Father [reportedly] admitted to having 'an inappropriate relationship' with an employee in his letter of resignation [and] a second woman [apparently] came forward to say that Father had engaged in sexual activity with her — not intercourse, but close to it — while he was performing some type of exorcism prayer(s)."

I think that getting to third base while performing an exorcism is not only reprehensible, it's also unprofessional. If only Father Tom had followed the rule of Father Peter Venkman: "I make it a rule, never get involved with possessed people." (Well, since Fr Venkman added, "Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule," then maybe Fr Tom did.)

In addition, a culture of negligence (as far as Church authority goes) developed, in which Father Tom, apparently without the official blessing of either the diocese or HLI, flew around the country for years performing prayers and exorcisms on vulnerable women on his own, fueled by cash or checks made out to Fr. E rather than the diocese or HLI.

So fraud and chicanery are involved too.

After some initial success with healing, many of these relationships went on for years with minimal positive results; either because exorcism, unlike the Consecration at Mass, is not a sacrament and thus depends on the holiness of the priest for its success, or worse, because (according to another lady who knew him), Father was [sexually inappropriate] with "more than one woman...many women...targeting confused, vulnerable women, often under the guise of spiritual director."

Okay, that isn't funny. Taking advantage of the mentally ill for monetary gain is bad enough, but sexually abusing a vulnerable person while posing as their spiritual adviser is truly evil. In my opinion, Fr. Tom is going to be meeting a lot of demons where he is going.

Thus, while Fr. Tom might have a case for invoking CCC #2477 [apparently some secret Vatican Miranda right or Cone of Silence or something] if it was just the one or two women HLI acknowledges (since they apparently were paid off and their settlement involved silence) it is for these other women, other victims, that the Catechism allows us to speak out. And if that last scenario allows us to speak out, the following case nearly compels us to.

This week, the vicar general of the Palm Beach Diocese (Bishop Barbarito himself was out of town at the time) while expressing their sorrow for Father's victims, also stated Fr. Tom has been pulled from public ministry and "he will not be doing exorcisms ever again."

Now it's all up to Father Richard Burton.

Anyway, our thanks to Renew America for this faith-eroding story. We hope Jenn and Matt have learned something from it.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Tea Party Pussies Edition

Riley:  Don't let your guard down for a second!  Remember, the price of freedom is eternal vigilance! 

Moondoggie:  Okay.

Riley:  No pasarán!  They shall not pass!

Moondoggie:  You know, things seem pretty free over by the window at the moment, so I'm gonna give that side of the room kind of a half-vigilance...

The Devil And The DVD

A couple of days ago, Valued Member of the WO'C Community The Minx begged us to cut back on the Robin of Berkeley posts and mix in a few deep-album cuts from Classic Crap artists like Dr. Professor Mike Adams, or Pastor Swank.  Unfortunately, while Dr. Mike is still cranking out imaginary encounters with easily flustered feminists, the Pastor has either doddered off into semi-retirement, or finally found a cocktail of anti-psychotics effective in keeping away the homo nups and the Muslim murderers global.

Then again, perhaps Pastor Swank has simply tired of the hurly-burly of political punditry, and is looking for new creative outlets.  Back in August he experimented with food criticism, in a piece devoted to "Maine's Munchiest Morning Bun," before delving into Charles Kuralt territory with a column celebrating that most American of art forms, the yard sale -- although it somehow devolved from there into a jeremiad about poisonous earrings and the advantages of snorting cocaine off infant car seats.

Anyway, today the Pastor serves up a Bombeck-flavored piece on treacherous household appliances. (Spoiler Alert: It does not end like the Twilight Zone episode, "A Thing About Machines," with Swank's Norelco razor chasing him around the house in a homicidal and tonsorial rage, so don't get your hopes up.)

Sometimes Life's Problems are Simple

I could not get the DVD working.

We had signed up with Time-Warner about a month ago. Now I slipped in the DVD. Tried to get it to show on the TV scream. But no show.

I've had Time-Warner Cable in the past, and I know just how annoying it can be when there's no show, and the TV is screaming.

I punched the TV's autoprogramming. That did its thing. Tried DVD poke in again and no movie showing up on the TV screen.

Unplugged all wires to this and that for the whole system to reprogram itself.

Tried DVD poke in again and still nothing showing on TV screen.

It would appear that a "DVD poke in" is like a 60s-era "sit-in," and if Pastor Swank really wants to see Miley Cyrus in The Last Song, he's going to have to listen to the disc's demands.  I assume they're on one of the commentary tracks.

Turned off everything. Started everything up again. This time DVD movie would appear on TV screen. But it did not.

DVD movies are a lot like the Second Coming of Jesus.

Went to personal phone book to find Time-Warner phone number-toll free. Dialed it on a Sunday afternoon not expecting a mortal. Got a mortal. Surprise. She was there in the technical menu slot. Nice.

Nice for you.  The mortal, on the other hand, had apparently fallen afoul of that flesh-digitizing laser from Tron.

I tried to explain to her that I had slipped in a DVD movie to watch but nothing happened. It simply did not appear on the TV screen as it had every time prior when I slipped it into its slot, then poked the proper buttons on DVD box and so forth and so forth.

She gave forth with such jargon at high speed that I tired out quite quickly. After all, it was a Sunday afternoon. I had not taken my deserved nap. I was tethered with complications prior to making the phone call. And now she was speaking a language from the moon.

"Thank you for calling the Moon.  Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered by the first available Cat-Woman."

She informed me to get my Time-Warner manual, look up this and that relating to something. As if I knew where the Time-Warner manual was. I store these treasures in nooks around the place where I later have no idea where the nooks are.

Check the crannies.  That's where I keep my nooks.

I do believe that the Time-Warner manual was actual. It was a part of our Maine cottage reality scope.

It's just like that scene in Inception where Leonardo DiCaprio and Marion Cotillard are trapped for decades in a fantasy world of their own creation, until Leo realizes their only hope of escaping back to reality is find the warranty for the Shower Massage®.

But I actually had no idea where to start; however, I could not let on to that lady about that for that would have permitted her all the reason more to inform me to go fly a kite.

I think the mortal probably wanted Pastor Swank to read the manual because it also sounds like it was badly translated from the Japanese. 

I tried poking things again, per her jargon, whispering back to her her litany to me. Nothing worked.

While I'm all for the Pastor's attempts to stretch as a writer, I'm not sure this foray into erotica is really a good idea.  Still, it's better than the sex scene in Those Who Trespass.

Then I said in a soft, refined voice: "I don't mean to irritate you but I don't understand a word you are saying with your jargon. You are speaking too fast and in a language that I can't get hold of."

Well this is a switch.  Is it possible the Pastor fell through a wormhole and met his counterpart from another dimension, the Earth-2 Swank?

She permitted a Grand Canyon pause. I tolerated it. Then I broke the silence with this wisdom: "I have not found what you have related to me any help today and therefore will hang up."

"Do not even bother to inform me to fly a kite."

I thought of Butch, my computer guru who seems to know everything about today's high tech whatevers. I would see him mid-week. Could I wait till then or pant my breath dry in not seeing the movie via DVD?

Apparently it's the Unrated Director's Cut, with extra poking and more explicit litany whispering.

I thought of grandson who is in his early teens who likewise is part of the generation that knows everything by God's knowledgeable pattern placed within these urchins at conception. They seem to come onto the planet with a high tech equation imbedded in their genes.

O brave new world!  That has such urchins in it!

I prayed. "God, can you help me? I know that there are starving humans on the Earth who need your help far more than I do. And you have those who have just passed through death's door. They are there at the judgment seat of Christ tended to for their eternities. However, can you please show me the solution to this problem, that is, if it is your divine will to be so kind?"

"Your prayer is very important to us.  Please stay on the line and your prayer will be answered by the first available Supreme Being."

Then it was that I lifted the microwave out from the kitchen wall. You see, it hides the myriad wires that run from TV, Time-Warner network and other items such as a toaster. I followed the wires from the TV and Time-Warner contraption only to discover that one wire was not plugged into the outlet.

"I tried pushing the DVD into the toaster, but still the movie was no show."

I plugged it in.

Then I went back to the DVD player, poked in the proper buttons and - lo and behold! - there was a movie showing up on my TV screen.

How quaint.

So it was all due to an unplugged appliance.  This is basically the same plot as the MST3K short Young Man's Fancy...

...so the Pastor should just consider himself lucky that he was finally able to sit down and watch The Omega Code, and didn't wind up married to a lipless loser named Alexander Phipps.

Devo Madonna

Ladies -- we need to talk.  Now, I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't care, and you know I've always loved your work as a sex, but I'm afraid this whole "Woman" thing is just over.  The novelty has worn off.  We've hit Peak Vagina, and it's all downhill from here.  Even American Thinker Jim Mahoney thinks so, and he's always been your biggest booster:

The Descent of Woman

For over fifteen centuries in the world touched by Western civilization, Christ's mother embodied the feminine ideal. During this time, the Virgin Mary's dignity extended to all women.

She inspired the arts and literature. Most importantly, she inspired mothers who in turn inspired their children to honor and respect femininity. The age of chivalry was a product of the veneration of women who modeled themselves on the Mother of God.

C'mon, don't cry.  Look, you had a great run!  For fifteen hundred years you pulled off a very plausible impersonation of a Virgin, despite the near constant pregnancies, but sooner or later the rubes were bound to catch on that you were having sex behind their backs.  Even Michelle Duggar's kids have begun to suspect.

Such women behaved and dressed modestly. Not only did their modesty conceal their physical charm, it also masked whatever blemishes nature may have imparted.

Floor-length gowns were useful in concealing rickets, while wimples helped a woman de-emphasize her pinhead and male pattern baldness.

Most of all, free of physical distraction men attuned to the spirit appreciated the vastly more important and enduring qualities of their women. They understood true beauty: the beauty of the soul.

This perhaps explains the fashion among women of the Late Middle Ages and early Renaissance periods for cosmetic soul augmentation surgery.

Contrary to current mythology, there were plenty of strong women throughout those centuries.

That's the thing about feminists that bugs me the most -- their tiresome insistence that woman played no significant part in history.

However, they were invariably feminine women, who, like their model, derived their power from their feminine identity.

Doesn't her power actually stem from the claim she was impregnated by the Supreme Being? I'm not sure how practical a model that is for most young women, although claiming your boyfriend is God would probably stop the cheerleaders from throwing Slushies at you in the hall.

Mary's influence began to fade in the 16^th century.

Her last album tanked.

Eventually in much of the West, she came to be regarded as just another woman.  All women were depreciated in proportion to her waning influence.

Men of the time were often heard to exclaim in surprise and disappointment: "Hey, how can you be a holy virgin when you're dying of the plague like everybody else? And besides, didn't we have sex last night?...Oh crap."

Today, after another 500 years, femininity is all but extinct, a casualty of an insane frenzy to convince women they are equal to men.  Of all the revolutionary zealots determined to expunge femininity, none yet seems to have discovered what women are supposed to be other than morphologically non-conforming men.

There are different theories, but most zealots feel that women are supposed to be xenarthrans, since that's a largely vacant genetic and environmental niche, and -- to paraphrase Herman Mankiewicz -- their only competition are idiots and armadillos.

Cute, pink, "fairy armadillos," who dress modestly beneath the crusty, bone-like carapace.

If there were an enemy bent on destroying all humanity, he would find no better place to start than by destroying femininity.  Despite social pressures to the contrary, women will probably always form the next generation.

Although, since femininity was killed off, women tend to form new generations from Plastigoop, using the Thingmaker.

"Liberating" young girls from a model of purity and docility to God and supplanting it with a burden of guilt, shame, and rage would breed mothers who would inevitably infuse their children with resentments and hostilities thereby creating a self-propagating blight sure to infect future generations.

Strangely, my mother accomplished all that while still wearing an A-line dress, open-toed pumps and a wiglet.

A Whiter Shade of...White

As "licensed psychotherapist" Robin of Berkeley has repeatedly demonstrated, she can spot mental illness from three thousand miles away, so long as the patient is a Black man in the White House, because then the diagnosis pretty much writes itself: he took a lot of drugs, or was dropped on his head.

Is there something wrong with [Obama's] brain? ... Did Obama ever have a head injury? His stepfather in Indonesia was purportedly an alcoholic abuser. Was Obama subject to any physical abuse?

Obama admits to a history of drug use in his youth. Did his usage cause some damage? Does Obama still use?

But with the White race, a psychological evaluation is trickier, because seemingly insane behavior ("white males donning low-rider jeans, blasting hip-hop music, and speaking in street jive") is often a purely physiological response to danger, an attempt, much like the chameleon's, to evade predators by blending in with the dominant minority culture.  For Caucasians, the Fight or Flight instinct has been replaced by remorse for slavery and an urge to sport bling, a condition evolutionary biologists refer to as the Guilt or Gilt reflex.

Fortunately, Robin appears to have cured humanity (or at least the pale part of it) of this crippling condition:

This is certainly good news, since white guilt has long been our our most pressing racial problem, and the one thing preventing us from making real social progress in this country.  I have a feeling that once we've finished this article, RightNetwork won't even need that "race relations" tag anymore, and can retire it, or use it exclusively for their new line of NASCAR driver slash fiction.

There’s only one TV show that I can stomach these days -- ABC’S The Middle. In contrast to most of the trash out there, this series is about an intact, church-going, American family.

So it's slightly less realistic than that other ABC show about the family that gets super powers.

On one particular show, the salt-of-the-earth dad, Mike, begrudgingly goes on a job interview. The young, perky interviewer asks, “If you were a color, what color would you be?” 

Offended, Mike shoots back, “I’m happy with the color I am! Are you even allowed to ask that question?”

Now, to me, that’s laugh-out-loud funny, and the fact that the quip is so politically incorrect makes it even funnier. 

Wait -- I thought portraying sitcom husbands as incompetent dimwits was politically correct

What Mike says is truly daring for a white guy--boldly stating that he likes the color of his skin. Because these days, there’s a ubiquitous message that there is something wrong with being Caucasian.

Which is why fashion magazines have been digitally blanching the skin of non-caucasian models -- so we don't feel so alone.  

This anti-white bias is all over the place, such as commercials wherein the white guy is always the buffoon.

Whereas back in the 1960s, our purchasing power was respected, and our race was depicted with a quiet dignity.  In fact, advertisers would often add a second layer of whiteness just to make us seem that much more dignified.

Children learn in elementary school to associate Caucasians, especially Americans and Israelis, with genocide and oppression. It’s no wonder so many liberals are stricken with a severe case of white guilt.

I blame the anti-vaxers.

Now, if you’re fortunate enough to live in a Red State, perhaps the anti-white vibe isn’t as intense.

Yeah, it sounds like a wonderland.  Remind me again why you aren't Robin of Muncie?

But in my neck of the woods, whites feel bad about taking up space on the planet (which partly explains liberals' environmental fanaticism).

I replaced my incandescent light bulbs because I'm tormented by Wounded Knee.

Consequently, people will go to extreme lengths to shed the Scarlet “C” (Caucasian) Letter.

But Robin wears the Scarlet "C" proudly.  I wonder how long that'll last once she figures out it doesn't stand for (Caucasian).

Oh well, I've got my own problems.  I managed to shed the Scarlet "C", but I'm still working on the Acid-Washed "C" (Cracker), and haven't even started shedding the Madras Plaid "H" (Honky).

Some desperate whites will even masquerade as persons of color.

Patient presenting symptoms of tertiary White Guilt.

But victims of this pandemic don't suffer only from ennui and burnt cork.  Many report suicidal thoughts, which they frequently attempt to act upon by living within easy walking distance of a Supercuts and a gourmet pupuseria.

Many of the denizens of liberal cities will martyr themselves to escape the stigma of their whiteness. Citizens will endure astronomical crime rates that would never be tolerated in conservative areas.

Conservative areas limit themselves to victimless crimes, like drunk driving and meth-cooking.

Almost everyone I know, including yours truly, has been a victim of a crime--

Such as drivers "playing with her mind" or bicyclists exceeding the speed of light.

...whether a mugging, a car theft, or worse. Yet there’s barely a whimper from the long-suffering populace.

That's because if you scream, you might crack your shoe polish, and people will realize you're white.  And then good luck getting any respect from the police.

What gets to me is the constant self-deprecation. Whites practically bow their heads in shame when talking about anything related to race. The refrain is: “What do I know; I’m only a white person,” or “I’d like to reach out to my black neighbor--his wife just died. But how would I know what a person of color is feeling?”

Before approaching a grieving person of color, first attempt to establish communication by playing a five-tone musical phrase in a major scale (if you have black neighbors it's a good idea to always keep a synthesizer on hand in case one of them dies).  After they repeat the phrase, demonstrate the Curwen tone gestures, and if they respond, send them a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet™.

Liberals may think they’re being compassionate by anointing others with special status. But in reality, their attitude is racist. Seeing another as different--whether inferior of superior--is racist. While conservatives tend to be color-blind, liberals focus, laser-like, on race.

I wasn't going to go through with the Lasik treatment until the doctor told me it would improve my racism.

Liberalism divides people into racial groups--some being the victims, and others, the oppressors.

So as you can imagine, Sadie Hawkins Day comes as a big relief to everybody.

It’s no wonder white people internalize this shame and contempt. But they have another choice, and that is this: seeing that prejudice is wrong, no matter who the target might be.

It's like the end of The Defiant Ones, when Tony Curtis' bigoted redneck convict finally realizes how wrong it is for Sidney Poitier to be prejudiced against him.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Bad Touch Edition

Riley:  Ugh, what a day.  Subjected to one indignity after another, just because I lack opposable--

Riley:  What are you doing?  Are you...are you resting your head on my ass?  What do I look like to you, upholstery?!"

Moondoggie:  I like big butts and I cannot lie.