Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Bruce Willis is What's Right With America!

As you probably know, Scott has risked his life several times in recent months to watch and summarize non-optimum films so that he could help YOU, our favorite person, save precious hours of your life by not having to view these movies. Also, he did it so that we could derive important messages from these films for the upcoming best seller, Best Living Through Bad Movies: Reflections on Family, Faith, Flag, Films, Fun, and Ford Festivas.

I, on the other hand, have been remiss, wasting my time by pointing out life lessons to stupid kittens and morally deficient dogs. ("See, Flossie, the message of The Towering Inferno is that if you chew up the newspaper one more time, you are going to be in BIG TROUBLE!")

Anyway, I told Scott I would try to start on a movie this week, so I have been scouring "Worst Movies of 2010" lists, of which there are many. Of the films cited that I can watch via on-demand, I am leaning towards The Last Airbender (because M. Night is due for a hit!), Charlie St. Cloud (because Zac Efron is dreamy! Plus, a movie about a teen who plays baseball with his dead brother must offer many important lessons for today's family), and The Nutcracker in 3D (because it cost $90 million and it's about the holocaust, so it HAS to be good).

However, I might reconsider my choices after reading Ben Shapiro's take on the year's films, The Best and Worst of Hollywood, 2010. Here's Ben!
Not surprisingly, it's also been a good year for America. Not because the economy healed -- it didn't. Not because America saw a racial unification -- it didn't. It's been a good year because Americans in 2010 celebrated the same values in real life they celebrated on the big screen: courage, work ethic and hard-charging masculinity. If you want to know what's going on in America, watch the culture rather than the news channels.

Ben's choice for best picture was The King's Speech.

This magnificent movie justifies the medium. The fascinating and important tale of King George VI -- who had to lead a nation rhetorically while fighting a brutal stammer.

I'm sure this was a very good movie, but I have to say that I was surprised at Ben's defination of what constitutes "hard-charging masculinity."

But, in order to find out what's going on in America, I will go back to on-demand and check out something that celebrates real life. Maybe Clash of the Titans or Prince of Persia. You know, something conservative.


D. Sidhe said...

Oh, Ben. If you want us to stop calling you The Virgin Ben, you're gonna have to try harder than that.

Does that work, with Flossie? I spend a lot of time making my cats watch movies about killer fish, but they're still after the betta every chance they get.

"Predators". Just consider it! It's basically what happens when a couple of teenage Predators steal dad's Woody and go joyriding off to a planet where they stage an impromptu version of Lord of the Flies. The surprise plot twist is the least surprising plot twist not penned by M. Night.* Even the human characters are inhuman enough that you honestly would be thrilled to see them die in horrible ways, which is excellent, because that's what they're there for. It's packed with the world's most gullible and naive mercenaries and war criminals. Shirtless.

"Clash of the Titans" was not terrible. My partner got me the Blu-Ray and a cheap Blu-Ray player to try to wean me off of DVDs. It's the only Blu-Ray I own, so I leave it in the player, which is also my Netflix connection, so every time I turn it on, it starts up the movie regardless of what I want to use it for**. It's kind of like having that Perseus guy leap to attention every time I hit the power button, eager to fulfill my every desire. Shirtless.

I also expect much joy from your eventual dissection of "Black Swan". Because getting what you want sucks, so stop trying so hard. Perhaps a chapter on mortal angst, the consolations of life after death, and the odds that this actually is the final "Saw" movie?

I haven't seen it, but "The Tourist" might be good for a chapter. I argued that it looked like "Hostel" for adults. The message of both movies is clearly that hot Eurobabes don't actually want to fuck you because you're a dishy American, but instead have ulterior motives that will get you killed.

And while we're on the subject, you are more than welcome to plagiarize all or part of my "Piranha 3D" review. Seriously. If you want it, take it.

*I'm not kidding. The only actual surprise I had from the movie was that the plant actually exists.

**Like, say, if I want to watch a Howard Zinn documentary, while wondering why they chose to make Zinn sound like Matt Damon while reading from his old writings. Turns out it's because it's narrated by Matt Damon. Which sort of annoys me because I don't believe I've ever seen a movie with Matt Damon in it, and yet I apparently am wasting braincells memorizing his voice so that it can ruin a Howard Zinn bio someday. Honestly, when I hear Matt Damon, I do not think "radical social conscience". I think "Pixar movie". Not the world's worst narration choice, but it's on my list of top ten.

D. Sidhe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
M. Bouffant said...

YOU, our favorite person

Hey, I'm my favorite person too! Good taste is timeless.

karen marie said...

Did he fight the stammer with a sword? From horseback? OMG! I must see this movie to find out!

heydave said...

Wait, finding American values in a fucking limey king? As the kids say, Ben: WTF?

Or did he see the subliminal version where a team of dandies from the Ivy League try valiantly to make George W. stop sounding like an inbred shit kicker from Texas?

But, really: hot Eurobabes don't actually want to fuck you because you're a dishy American, but instead have ulterior motives that will get you killed. Dude, another year nearly gone and you drop this truth in the punch bowl? Harsh.

Brian Schlosser said...

D, c'mon! Matt Damon isn't that bad! The Departed, the new True Grit, Oceans 11 and 13, The Informant... PLUS he's going to be playing Scott Thorson in the new Liberace movie...

And he's Liz Lemon's boyfriend!

Anon said...

The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Please. My biggest wish for 2011 is that Nicolas Cage will die.