By Bill S.
Sure, that enchanted castle in Beauty and the Beast where everything talks, sings, and dances, might seem like a fun place to live...until the first time you need to use the bathroom.
"And every time I walk into the room, this dry erase board magically writes, 'Shave your ballsack!'"
I haven't yet seen the new version of Beauty and the Beast, but I fondly remember the animated version from 1991, and still have the soundtrack with all those memorable musical numbers. One of the best loved is "Be Our Guest", sung by Jerry Orbach as Lumiere the Candlestick. But you may be surprised to learn the song was meant for a different character that was dropped from the film. Fortunately I have the original script.
After greeting the strange variety of talking household objects, Belle, needing to compose herself, enters the the powder room..
"Uh...Do you have a magazine?"
MONSIEUR TOILETTE: Good evening, Mademoiselle!
Belle gasps in surprise. The music swells..
Poop in me, poop in me
Or perhaps you need to pee
When you do your daily business there's a certain guarantee
I'll be here-please don't blush
Any time you need to, flush!
To assist the Master's Beauty
Is my willing, honored duty
And when you're wiping off
I won't giggle, joke or scoff
It will be just as discreet as it can be
You've got a lifetime pass
So go and park your ass
And poop in me, poop in me, poop in me!
But they decided to go a different way with the song. I have no idea why.
Oh, la, M'sieur!
Vous etes tres mechant! Also,tres amusant!
I have been watching some tres interessant French multi-episode shows de TV dealing with lawyers and courtroom cases -- and aside from the fact that la systeme de justice in that nation is very unlike ours, I can also tell you authoritatively, Scott, after seeing six episodes with the captions turned on, that your otherwise charmante composition has one outstanding flaw.
Everything in France is about sex, and sex-related issues and activities. And if you think that the song being sung by une toilette (the porcelain monsieur is in fact feminine) would shut a French lyricist up about sex out of a sense of decorum, all I can say is, au contraire. And double au contraire.
As if this poor movie wasn't in enough trouble for the gay reference.
Just think, if they had left that character (complete with song) in, the line of toys would have fit in perfectly with the Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pets!
Excellent point, Li'l -- thanks! I cannot, however (and alas), take credit for this composition, as it -- like most of the better song parodies done around here over the years -- is a Bill S. joint.
Mary, I'd forgotten the Poopsie Pets post. "Aptly named World O' Crap" has never been more aptly named than today.
Ah, l'art du Bill S. How could I have mistaken eet?? Thanks, Scott.
Serieusement, Bill, that was superbe. But there should still be... well, you-know-what. Another verse, perhaps? Un petit morceau d'oo-la-la?
(Please, nobody tell the French Academy about these comments. They'd send somebody over to kill me in my house.)
The solo number by the Bidet was also cut.
Nice one, Bill S.! Though I'm a little disappointed you didn't work in "Wee, Mademoiselle."
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