Saturday, February 24, 2018

Whatever The Traffic Will Allow

By Keith

Hello, World O’Crappers and let us count the ways Republicans heart Juvenile Road Kill, huh?

  • Sweet, fresh kidneys (there are two per kid)
  • Ripe, accurate retinas (two-per)
  • Sharp precision corneas (two-per)
  • Lovely liver, relatively free of chemicals. Plug & Play. Ready to Roll.
  • Cartilage for orthopedic surgeries: (advanced ACL, other procedures)

The list is by no means complete, but even these few spare parts are enough to keep the average billionaire from having to pay the Death Tax for a few more years; at least long enough to contribute to his 2020 campaign.

Okay, it's a bit like the plot of The Island (2005), but unlike that movie's pen-raised, captive clones, our current NRA-approved system allows for the breeding of free range donors, with harvesting taking place at semi-regular intervals by volunteers, so capital costs remain low.

Thanks for your attention, and please pick up a free copy of our prospectus on your way out.


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

it should also be mentioned that The Island is a big-budget crappy knock-off of a low-budget crappy TV movie that MST3K riffed, "Parts: The Clonus Horror"...

Scott said...

Very true, and trust me, we deal with that little contretemps in the upcoming sequel to Better Living Through Bad Movies.

maryclev said...

Well, I hope the NRA isn't expecting an AR-15 to help with this little plan. From what I've read, the damage done to a human body by the bullets of an AR-15 leaves very little usable organs. The NRA really needs to promote muskets more if this is their plan to everlasting life.

Hank said...

It's "A Modest Proposal" - 21st Century Style!

But if you're looking to minimize the mess, I'm afraid muskets wouldn't be much better than AR-15s. Those large caliber, (relatively) low velocity lead balls actually do a considerable amount of damage, too, because they tend to flatten when they penetrate the skin.

And let's face it, you just can't get the rate of fire needed for bulk harvesting. With the body count from an AR-15, though, there's still lots of parts left, even with the wastage. A liver here, a kidney there, it adds up.

Okay, enough with the dark humor. But it's either that, or start breaking the furniture.

Parts: The Clonus Horror had one of my all-time favorite lines: "Okay, everyone: Time to go tick-collecting!"

Probably because both Joan and I have gotten into hatches of seed ticks. (Not at the same time, fortunately.) Believe me, when about thirty or forty of those pinhead-sized bastards get on you, it's a good thing to have someone who's already familiar with those intimate areas using the magnifying glass and plying the tweezers.