Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

By Bill S.

Today we celebrate the birthday of World O' Crap's own MaryC. Finding the right gift is never easy, so once again it's time to look through our favorite catalogs and Wish Books. Let's begin by seeing  what Carol Wright Gifts has to offer ;

For anyone yearning to unleash her inner Laura Petrie.

"JOHN" and "JANE" ($4.99 each)
"Ideal when you need instant relief! Whether in bed, in a car or anywhere, keep John or Jane nearby. Sanitary plastic bottle has easy-to use funnel design and sure-grip handle."

Wha--what...is this? Relief from what? Relief from whaaaaaaat?????

"The residents of this charming Bavarian chalet will step out to predict the weather. Designed with a thermometer and built-in hygrometer, this authentic Bavarian chalet is handcrafted of wood in Germany.

Woman Steps Out on Fair Days--Man Steps Out in Bad Weather"

There's no better way to get a weather report than from a German couple who can't stand to be in the same room together.

Okay, I'm not feeling it, so let's have a quick peek at that other compendium of Hard to Find gifts,  Things You Never Knew Existed:

"52 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU POO" book ($10.99)
"This collection of entertaining activities ranging from mazes to word finds to toilet trivia---"
--will come in handy when you're down to a cardboard roll.

"Why look to the angel on your shoulder when you have the Messiah right at your desk? The next time you get the urge to plunder the fridge for unsuspecting coworkers' lunches, just give the Son of God a little tap on the head and He will silently urge you not to covet thy neighbor's burger. 8" tall, "gracefully" sculpted resin. WARNING: Choking Hazard-small parts."

CHOKING hazard? How'd they find this out? What kind of weird-ass Communion was THAT?

"Let TEX, the armadillo guard your drink until you're good and ready to chug it! Cast in high-quality designer resin, this fully handpainted lifelike critter is a sure-fire conversation piece from his textured armor to his whiplash tail. Holds one 12 oz. can."

Well, that certainly will start conversations. Probably once the owner leaves the room. I think we've found this year's gift!

Happy Birthday, MaryC!


ill S, said...

Not many people know this, but "Jesus Christ Bobblehead" was the working title of Andrew Lloyd Webber's hit musical.

Carl said...

John & Jane! The Fleshlights! You met them, Bill.

Carl said...

Oh, and happy birthday, Mary!

Bill S. said...

No,Carl, they're not Fleshlights. Based on the pictures I saw in the catalog, they're much, much weirder.

maryclev said...

Bill, you've done it again! The armadillo thing is perfect! Thanks for making my birthday weird again!

Joan P. said...

Happy Birthday Mary!!

Bill: I now know the type of catalog to read when a form of entertainment is needed. UM...Thou shall have no Bobble God before me.
I'm looking forward to when they offer the Bobble Head Creche.


AnnPW said...

Happiest of all Happy Birthday Mary!

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Happy B-Day, Mary!!! Just wanted to wish the best to you & Ol' Furface & the Feline Overlords! Hope that all are well & happy & upwind of any residual smoke/pollution!

Happyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyjoyjoyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyjoyjoyjoyyyyyy, tah-dah-dah-dink-dink, dink-dink!!!

And dammit, if I hadn't lost touch with Miss Poppy after her brain tumor (pleasepleaseplease let her be okay, oh Innernet Toobs!!!), I'd be sending you her infamous Magic Jeebus Statuary 8-Ball, I believe its real name is, "Answer Me Jesus!", yes? WAY better-quality goods than anything from Carol Wright or Wally World!

(Great list, though, Bill! Primo tacko! What would you find ME for MY birfday, I wonder... hmmmm... And no, a "neck massager" from Spencer Gifts won't cut it, those things don't last ANY time!)

Anonymous said...

ANNTI is sowwy...

Sorry, seriously, did NOT mean to blow-out the fucking margins, that SHOULD have wrapped!!! Can it be fixed?


Hank said...

I have to wonder whether the placement of those peanuts around the 'dillo's butt was intentional or not …

Happy natal anniversary, MaryC!

Trina said...

When I was a kid I always felt sad for that little couple in the clocks or barometers or whatever because they could never be together. I did not need this reminder. *sobs quietly*

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

When I was a kid, I always wondered why my parents' friends had those lamps with the mineral oil dripping down the fishing line, around those plasti-bronze statuettes of nekkid ladies, hanging from the trailer ceiling. Some of 'em had those little weather couples, too, but the oily statues always piqued my interest. That, and rubbing the corpulent Buddha's belly. Most of 'em, instead of the weather couple, had the "Redneck Weather Stick": If stick is hot, it is sunny. If stick is wet, it is rainy. If stick is stiff, it is cold. If stick is gone, it is tornado season!

Of course if it's REALLY tornado season, the trailer's prolly gone, too.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez... (sorry for the p.s., I'm a little scattered tonight...)

Hank, the peanuts are to feed the 'diller. Duh. Unless, of course, his abode of residence has a healthy crop of cockaroaches or other septopods for it to feed upon...

Hank said...

Thanks for setting me straight, ANNTI. Since we've only had armadillos in central TN for a little less than a decade, I'm not up to speed on their dietary preferences.

Thanks also for reminding me of something I'd long forgotten. That dripping mineral oil lamp with the nekkid lady inside was a fixture in a lot of the places to which I delivered waterbeds, back in the late '70s/early '80s. As I recall, the proud possessors of this stunning objet d'art were often single guys, and lived in an apartment complex or a trailer.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI said...

No prob, Hank. I had no idea that the little possums-on-the-half-shell were migrating. Global warming, or do you think that they wear little red hats with stoopid slogans, and they're running from Trump's terrifying Messikins?

I would've replied sooner, thought that I did, but mebbe the dog ate my homework. I've had bizarre compy problems ever since I relocated here to Chez Batshit, and even the best compy minds that I've known haven't been able to figure out why my fucking windows resize every time I start to write anything, like now. Could be Bellsucks, could be the neighbors, I dunno.