Say you're a consortium of real estate developers, and you want to cash in on the "Hollywood Renaissance." Well, you could erect a shopping mall next to a major landmark -- say, the Chinese Theater -- and build it around a huge courtyard to take advantage of all that foot traffic on the Boulevard. Then you could give a nod -- or at least a head fake -- toward the town's history by decorating it with massive reproductions of the elephant statues and the Great Gate of Babylon from Griffith's Intolerance (because your Peachtree development in Atlanta has already snatched up that plum Birth of a Nation theme). Finally, you could fancy it up with mosaics that vaguely recall the Yellow Brick Road from The Wizard of Oz, and add one of those "dancing water" features that ejaculate from the pavement in perfect unison, kind of like a bukkake fetish video starring the USMC Silent Drill Team.
Just to give you an idea, this is what the place looked like at Christmas:
The uniforms looked amazingly authentic, the sailors standing guard would periodically march around the sub while the Soviet national anthem blared and the officers on deck shouted orders in Russian; and I must admit, I was kind of impressed they went to all that trouble. Then I remembered that it's Hollywood, and you can find people shouting in Russian pretty much anywhere, including the elevator when I got home.
So anyway, we can call off the Hunt for Red October. Turns out it was next to Lane Bryant the whole time.
Failed script idea for Speed 3: The Cunts from Red Mocktober?
(apologies in advance to anyone offended by my sarcastic use of the c word)
I hate Hollywood & Highland. All those fake Abyssinian ziggurats! although it can sometimes be fun to take tourists there.
I'm sad you've omitted the various costumed characters that hang out there. How did Sponge Bob, Darth, and Spiderman react to the submarine?
Hilariously good write-up!
What REALLY happened to the Submarine Kursk.
Watched 30 minutes of the episode. Couldn't figure it out Won't be back.
Made me laugh. I blame you because this made the migraine worse.
Carl, almost positive that's a porn title.
Also: possibly amusing migraine story: Six thirty AM, lying in bed with my partner.
Me: The fucking fuckety fuck am I listening to ocarina music?
Partner: Is this aphasia? Are you having a stroke? I don't even think those are real words.
Joys of thin walls and weird neighbors.
I so want that sub for my yard on Halloween.
Post and comments: Best. Snark. Of. The. Week.
Hey, D.W. himself would have done something similar if he could...
Great description, Scott. I have one East Coast Elite-type ignorant question: what is the looming black object or facade or presence in the background of the top photo? It looks like where the virgins are taken to be presented to the furnaces of Baal.
But I often find Big Glitz sinister. It tends toward what Fritz Leiber called "an unhealthy gigantism".
Li'l, the black is the night sky seen through the "Great Gate of Babylon" (the greatness of which is marred, in my opinion, by the three catwalks that cross it). It's a bit hard to tell because the photo was snapped at an odd angle, and you can't quite see the top of the arch.
Very fine indeed! Thanks for the heads-up.
I'm this late to the party, an no one has said this?!
"EGERMENCY! EVERY ONE TO GET FROM STREET!"
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