Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Satan's Back, and The Pope's Got Him!

Pope Francis seems to be steering a new course for the Catholic Church, away from hot button cultural issues and toward a more Christ-like focus on social and economic justice, which I certainly applaud. But along with Christ-like, he's also sounding a bit Flip Wilson-like in his belief that the Devil made you do it.
Vatican insiders say Francis has not only dwelled far more on Satan in sermons and speeches than his recent predecessors have, but also sought to rekindle the Devil’s image as a supernatural entity with the forces­ of evil at his beck and call. [...]
“Pope Francis never stops talking about the Devil; it’s constant,” said one senior bishop... Cardinals in Milan; Turin, Italy; and Madrid, for instance, recently moved to expand the number of exorcists in their dioceses to cope with what they have categorized as surging demand.
Not only is the Vatican hiring new demon dispossessors, they're also pulling old (and I do mean old) exorcists out of mothballs to cope with the rush:
"The sad truth is that there are many bishops and priests in our church who do not really believe in the Devil,” said the Rev. Gabriele Amorth, the 89-year-old priest who is perhaps the closest thing the church has to a Hollywood-style exorcist. “I believe Pope Francis is speaking to them. Because when you don’t believe, the Devil wins.”
But believing in the Devil isn't enough, as we learned from the Rev. Amorth's previous appearance on World O' Crap. You must also believe that yoga is a gateway drug, and that putting on stretchy pants and doing Pelvic Tilts is the moral equivalent of performing a Black Mass in your bonus room.
During the conference, the Rev. Cesar Truqui, an exorcist based in Switzerland, recounted one experience he had aboard a Swissair flight. “Two lesbians,” he said, had sat behind him on the plane. 
Wow, those Swissair flight crews are thorough.  "There are four restrooms, located four and aft, six exits, and two lesbians. Please take a moment to locate the lesbians nearest you, keeping in mind that the closest lesbian may be behind you."
Soon afterward, he said, he felt Satan’s presence.
...fighting with him for the armrest.
As he silently sought to repel the evil spirit through prayer, one of the women, he said, began growling demonically and threw chocolates at his head.
Beelzebub has really upped his game when it comes to promotional giveaways. In the 70s, he'd just hose you down with pea green vomit, but now he's chucking fancy Swiss chocolates at you. Next thing you know, he'll be wooing your soul with a Grammys-style gift bag and an Andres Créme de Menthe on your pillow.
Asked how he knew the woman was possessed, he said that “once you hear a Satanic growl, you never forget it. It’s like smelling Margherita pizza for the first time. It’s something you never forget.”
HUSBAND: Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?


HUSBAND: Mmm, smells like Satan! Honey, I love you!

Anyway, it seems that Rev. Truqui simply endured the confectionary fusillade and went back to his SkyMall magazine, rather than wheeling around, whipping out a crucifix, and crying, "The power of Christ COMPELS you to quit kicking the back of my seat!" Which is a shame, since a priest attempting to perform a mid-air exorcism on a jumbo jet would make for a great reboot of Snakes on a Plane (you tell me that "Samuel L. Jackson wears a Roman collar and a scowl in Lesbians on an Airbus," and I am hitting Fandango.com so fast it'll make your head spin 360 degrees). Although you'd probably have to tone down the cursing in order to get Vatican approval.
"I am fatigued by these Oepdial Sapphists on this incestuous aircraft!"


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

"SATAN, take the stick!"

Wait, that didn't come out right...

Chris Vosburg said...

As [Rev Truqui] silently sought to repel the evil spirit through prayer, one of the women, he said, began growling demonically and threw chocolates at his head.

Man, I would give anything to have seen that. I very much doubt that he was praying silently-- I think it more likely that the girls behind him were a little taken aback at his jibba jabba to Him What Done It All about lesbian debbils and whatnot and decided to have a little fun by playing along with his delusion and doing their best to act the part.

Plus, chocolates, BONK BONK ON THE HEAD!

Carl said...

And he also said he'd baptize aliens.

He didn't mention whether they needed forms or not.

grouchomarxist said...

"Forms are available at your local Post Office. [Aliens] without forms must appear, however briefly, at the Bureau's Astral Office on Nooker Street."

(We miss you, Peter Bergman.)

And this, too, was inspired, Scott. "WIFE: GrrrRAWRRR!" or the phrase "confectionary fusillade" -- reminding me as it did of poor Michael Steele's ordeal of the flying death Oreos -- or the Samuel L. Jackson reboot, it all deserves a "Completely brilliant!"

Yet I'm still wondering how Cesar the Demon Whisperer knew they were lesbians. Does Swissair have special Lesbian Class seating? Were they wearing t-shirts emblazoned "Lesbian" and "I'm with Lesbian"? It's a real conundrum, as our Roman friends would say.

At least Satan's apparently wised up to the old saying that you'll catch more exorcists with a succulent Swiss quintuple-smooth treble-cream milk chocolate envelope than you will with buckets of pea-green bile!

Did Cesar ever consider the possibility that the woman might simply be engaging in a somewhat misguided promotion for a Swiss chocolate maker and just happens to be a heavy smoker, or have a really bad case of laryngitis?

But noooo, it's gotta be Mr. Scratch as the obnoxious older brother, playing the Satanic version of "Does this bug you?" (Rather a comedown for His Infernal Majesty, if you ask me. Though I do understand that acts of petty mischief are kind of traditional.) Still, what a rich -- if sweaty and rather squalid -- fantasy life the Reverend must lead.

Come to think of it, I do recall that my innards once exhibited some pretty Satanic symptoms -- growls were the least of it, and the olfactory accompaniment did have a certain fiery, brimstone-ish quality -- from a slice of Margherita pizza that I bought at a convenience store...

Li'l Innocent said...

Well, Pope Frank is onto the corporations and their doings, which leads me to suspect that he recognizes the power of Temptation when he sees its tail and hooves flashing around.

Or, as the Doctor once observed: "Greed. Greed! The most dangerous impulse in the universe."