Hot Caruba Wax!

You may remember Alan Caruba, a former "PR counselor" for pesticide manufacturers and chemical company trade associations, and a waxy substance derived from the leaves of the Copernicia prunifera plant.  In addition to giving your car a weatherproof glossy shine, Alan likes to keep his hand in the bullshit business by writing for RenewAmerica, and is such a deft practitioner of unrighteous indignation that he's been interviewed on The Daily Show, and extensively quoted in Roy's latest Village Voice column.

So what's got this Pro-Am prevaricator's lips moving?  The likelihood that a Not Guilty verdict in the Zimmerman trial will result in government-sponsored rioting by Black people (the Obama White House will deny any such agitation, of course, but the connection will become obvious when looters are caught receiving their Presidential Physical Fitness awards for running the length of the Best Buy parking lot while carrying a hefty big screen TV).

As you can see, Alan's column is headed by a photo of Jamie Fox...

...even though he's mentioned nowhere in the article.  I suspect Mr. Fox was included here because he is an Angry Black Man seen sporting a Trayvon T-shirt, and obviously enraged that his award looks like one of those gag trophies you buy in the Pro Shop of a public golf course.  There is, regrettably, no transcript of the BET event, but he appears to be inciting the crowd to "bring down the Man" by ordering a second glass of motherfucking iced tea, even though the Prix Fixe menu clearly states "No Refills."

White people have largely made their peace with the changes that were initiated with the Civil Rights Act that Lyndon B. Johnson signed in 1964 in the wake of the Kennedy assassination.

It was unfair of LBJ to sneak civil rights legislation through Congress while White Americans were so busy remembering where they were when they first heard that Kennedy had been shot that they briefly forgot to keep Jim Crow on a constant simmer, and you have to give them credit for letting bygones be bygones.

Race has always been a factor in American life dating back to the importation of the first slaves to the colony of Jamestown, Virginia in 1619. One of America's leading historians, Thomas Fleming recently had a new book published, "A Disease in the Public Mind: Why We Fought the Civil War,"

...the thesis of which seems to be that New England hurt the South's feelings, so it decided to have slaves.  From the Amazon product description:  "By the time John Brown hung from the gallows for his crimes at Harper’s Ferry, Northern abolitionists had made him a 'holy martyr' in their campaign against Southern slave owners. This Northern hatred for Southerners long predated their objections to slavery. They were convinced that New England, whose spokesmen had begun the American Revolution, should have been the leader of the new nation. Instead, they had been displaced by Southern 'slavocrats' like Thomas Jefferson. This malevolent envy exacerbated the South’s greatest fear: a race war. Jefferson’s cry, 'We are truly to be pitied,' summed up their dread."

In the years immediately preceding the war, the calls for the abolition of slavery increased at the same time white southerners had spent decades gripped with growing fears of being killed by the slaves who vastly outnumbered them.
[...]
I cite this bit of history because I keep hearing the question "If Zimmerman is acquitted of killing Trayvon Martin, will there be race riots?"

Granted, I'm not in Alan's social orbit, but I wonder just where he keeps hearing this question -- in his Iron John drum circle?   His neo-Confederate grief counseling group, perhaps at their Thursday night primal scream workshop?  Or is this query endlessly repeatedly inside his own skull -- not because he's obsessed or crazy, but simply because the acoustics are better in there.

Like the southerners of old, whites, Hispanics and others today are concerned about black violence.

In the interests of racial profiling, white southerners are allowing Hispanics into their coalition on a Day Pass (please remember to return your temporary I.D. badge to the Security Desk as you exit), sort of how Hitler declared the Japanese Honorary Aryans.

Taking 1964 as a starting point, there were seven race riots that year, three of them in my home state, with others in Philadelphia, Rochester, New York, and Chicago. The famed Watts riot occurred in 1965.

Taking 1964 as a starting point allows us to pare history down to a manageable size by eliminating those halcyon days when race riots, like the NBA, were primarily a white man's game.

Riots continued in 1966, 1967, and most actively in 125 cities in 1968 following the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

What a weird coincidence!  You'd think if a Black exponent of non-violent resistance was brutally murdered by a White man at a time of great social tension, peace would suddenly break out like pimples on an 8th grader.

In 2011 I reviewed a book by Colin Flaherty, "'White Girl Bleed A Lot' – The Return of Race Riots to America." Flaherty stated that "Race riots are back...

...and Garson's got them!

...along with widespread racial crime and violence." He documented these episodes, noting in particular that "local media and public officials are silent...this denies the obvious: America is the most race conscious society in the world. Few know about it (the violence). Fewer still are talking about it." 

Because if there's one thing Americans disdain, it's juicy crime stories.  This is undoubtedly why CourtTV focuses exclusively on parking violations in prime time, because moving violations are considered too sensational.

In October the sixth edition of his book will be published by WND Books. When I asked him whether the fear of racial riots after the verdict in the Zimmerman trial is rendered were justified, Flaherty replied that "I have not noticed anyone saying if Zimmerman is acquitted there will NOT be a riot."

"Sure, they haven't succeeded in not disproving my negative, but they also failed to not deny it!  And why haven't they not done it?  Nobody won't even refuse to ask."

On a more scholarly note, I haven't read Mr. Flaherty's book and I don't intend to, because Alex Pareene did it for me.

A visit to Flaherty's website confirms his observations regarding violent attacks.

While a visit to our website confirms my observations regarding Alan being an idiot.  Can't argue with the Self-Correcting Blogosphere.

Crude Awakening

By Keith, WOC's "Suck. On. This." Correspondent.

(Reuters) - At least five people died and 40 were missing on Sunday after a runaway train carrying crude oil exploded and destroyed the center of a small Canadian town</a> in a disaster that raises fresh questions about shipping oil by rail. 

The train had been hauling crude from North Dakota to eastern Canada, and was parked, without a driver, outside town when it began rolling downhill, gathering speed and derailing on a curve at 1 a.m. on Saturday. 

Each tanker carried 30,000 gallons (113,000 liters) of crude oil. Four cars caught fire and exploded in a huge orange and black fireball that mushroomed hundreds of feet into the air and flattened dozens of buildings, including a popular bar.

Readers, if you think the purpose of this post is to argue for or against the continued construction of  that pipeline, think again.

Our feature today is America's greatest intellectual wanking 'tard. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present Mr. Thomas Friedman? Hip-hip, chin-chin?

("Oh?" you say. "Mr. Friedman needs no introduction." Bob Hope said something similar to Jack Benny way back when. My bad.)

A Good Question 

An e-mail came in the other day with a subject line that I couldn't ignore. It was from the oil economist Phil Verleger, and it read: "Should the United States join OPEC?" That I had to open.

Well, it was an email, Tommy, and surely didn't contain ricen.

Verleger’s basic message was that the knee-jerk debate we’re again having over who is responsible for higher oil prices fundamentally misses huge changes that have taken place in America’s energy output, making us again a major oil and gas producer — and potential exporter — with an interest in reasonably high but stable oil prices.

We love your forecast. "Reasonably high but stable." Please continue ...

From one direction, he says, we’re seeing the impact of the ethanol mandate put in place by President George W. Bush, which established fixed quantities of biofuels to be used in gasoline.

Tom, that ethanol makes my Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 backfire on the long driveway from my palatial Catskills estate. But I get good highway mileage. A wash, perhaps?

When this is combined with improved vehicle fuel economy — in July, the auto industry agreed to achieve fleet averages of more than 50 miles per gallon by 2025 — it will inevitably drive down demand for gasoline and create more surplus crude to export.

Then again, demand may rise because of higher fuel efficiency standards. Drivers might be encouraged to get the most of out their tank-full.

Add to that, says Verleger, “the increase in oil production from offshore fields and unconventional sources in America,” and that exportable U.S. surplus could grow even bigger. 

Then, add the recent discoveries of natural gas deposits all over America, which will allow us to substitute gas for coal at power plants and become a natural gas exporter as well. Put it all together, says Verleger, and you can see why America “will want to consider joining with other energy-exporting countries, like those in OPEC, to sustain high oil prices.

Tom, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm already smoking herb just to get through this thicket of wonk-speak, where there are already disturbing signs of "Tar-Baby" status awaiting your readers. And yet already you're asking me to do three "add" operations plus a sum. Why do you always make us push the stack this way?

Indeed, Bloomberg News reported last week that “the U.S. is the closest it has been in almost 20 years to achieving energy self-sufficiency. ... Domestic oil output is the highest in eight years. The U.S. is producing so much natural gas that, where the government warned four years ago of a critical need to boost imports, it now may approve an export terminal.” As a result, “the U.S. has reversed a two-decade-long decline in energy independence, increasing the proportion of demand met from domestic sources over the last six years to an estimated 81 percent through the first 10 months of 2011.” This transformation could make the U.S. the world’s top energy producer by 2020, raise more tax revenue, free us from worrying about the Middle East, and, if we’re smart, build a bridge to a much cleaner energy future.

Update: Tom's just registered a Kickstarter drive to build the Supertrain to Siberia.

All of this is good news, but it will come true at scale only if these oil and gas resources can be extracted in an environmentally sustainable manner. This can be done right, but we need a deal between environmentalists and the oil and gas industry to lock it in — now.

The Oracle of Friedman has spoken thus: no need to consider erring on the side of caution. Lube up the drill and stick it in baby! Let's go full-throttle.

No one likes higher oil prices. But — perversely — the high price benefits America as we rapidly become a bigger oil producer and it ensures that investments will continue to flow into energy efficient cars and trucks. If we were smart, we would establish today a floor price for any barrel of crude oil or gallon of gasoline sold or imported into America — and tax anything below it. A stable, sufficiently high floor price serves the environment, our technology investments and our energy productivity. As our producers succeed, we would become increasingly energy self-sufficient, keep a lot more dollars at home for our Treasury, stimulate innovation on renewables and drive down the global oil price that is the sole source sustaining Iran and other petro-dictators.

Who would have imagined? Price controls from a free-marketeer. Tom, you said that the first volume of "Das Kapital" from Viking was on your bookshelf because you wanted to learn about commodity trades ... in my opinion you are veering off the highway here. The last POTUS to get away with this type of market interference in such a spectacular fashion was Richard M. Nixon.

The weird thing is, this whole article is about gas prices, and it's the one time when Friedman's inside dope didn't come from a Random But Convenient Cab Driver.  Anyway, I don't recommend getting out of the boat, but Tommy's got more for Big Thoughts if you're in a mood to abandon ship.  Or All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

[The Grey Lady is under a lame-ass paywall. If you are using the Firefox, Chrome or Opera browsers, there is a feature called "incognito browsing" and if it works properly on your device this will display the article. Right click, choose "open in new incognito window" or similar instructions.]

Thanks for reading. Peace.

OK. I'll Admit It...

Uncle Sam is a horrible movie and should never be selected by a panel of impartial judges to represent the solemnity of our nation's founding, nor the ensuing Beer-, Bratwurst-, and Black Cat Fireworks-fueled celebration that is the  Fourth of July.

Luckily, tonight we are watching one of the best movies to ever represent the awesomeness of Independence Day (in other words, not Independence Day):



(Beast Blogging below)

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Unsolicited Assistance Edition

RILEY:  Alright.  Here goes.  From now on, I'm gonna be dainty as hell.

MOONDOGGIE:  Z-Z-Z-z-z-zuh?  Did I just hear...daintiness?

MOONDOGGIE:  Hey!  You being dainty over there?
RILEY:  Ignore him...Game face...Game face...!

MOONDOGGIE: What?  I'm helping!  I'm like...her life coach.

Tomb of the Undead Soldier

Basically, I just wanted to find an appropriate holiday movie that wasn't ID4 or Born on the Fourth of July, so I asked Google, and Google came running back all excited like a puppy and goes, "You need to watch this!" And I go, "Ohhh, I don't think so, Google--" and it goes, "You totally do!  It's from 1996, and it stars P.J. Soles from Rock 'n' Roll High School and Isaac Hayes from Truck Turner, and the title character is played by David 'Shark' Fralick!"

And I said, "I'm pretty sure that's actually not a recommendation--" but Google wasn't really listening, because it was giving me this kind of shrewd, thoughtful look, then it said, "You should put 'Shark' in the middle of your name!  It'd make you look taller!"

And I couldn't really argue with that, so fine -- here's our movie for tonight..  Happy Fourth of July, Y'all!

James Lewis Carroll

James Lewis ("a scientist by trade, [who] carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly") is back, this time using Science to prove that the President is one'a them deviated preverts.

Dangerous Times: Obama's Perversity 

In economics, a "perverse effect" means getting what you don't want. If McDonald's makes an executive decision to sell lousy burgers

We call that a "business plan" or "mission statement."

and ends up bankrupt, that is a perverse decision. Markets are tough on companies that act perversely

Granted, it's tough love (the Markets will still have sex with a perverse company, but they'll donkeypunch it for coming up with the McDLT).

but the Amazonian jungle of government allows perverse incentives to flourish and spread.

But thanks to slash and burn agriculture, 1½ acres of perverse incentives are destroyed in the Amazon every second.

Chicago is basically a one-party regime.

At least, that's what Carl Sandburg called it, after "Hog Butcher for the World," "Stacker of Wheat," and "Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action," (which would have been the municipal motto, except it sounds really dirty in Latin).

How can you tell if you're living under one-party rule? Your media aren't going to tell you. Your government isn't either. Your schools are part of the mob monopoly.

I know that's how it was at my school.  Almost all the rowers on the Varsity sculling crew were made men.

But there are signs: the biggest one is that open scandals and crimes have no consequences. We all know Holder is a perverse attorney general, that the EPA is run by scientific know-nothings...that "green technology" contradicts the known facts of physics, and that "catastrophic climate change" is a self-serving farce.

In the past we've speculated on which scientific trade Mr. Lewis practices, and I think I've narrowed it down.  He either holds the Einstein-Rosen Bridgework Chair in Theoretical Dentistry, or perhaps he's a humble Torsion Field hand.

This presidency is practically defined by its perversity. When this administration gets caught with its pants down, it just becomes even more grandiose.

Well, you know what they say about the way those people are...gifted.  It's twue.

All the scandals the media decided to expose after the election have not changed any behavior.

Or turned out to be scandals.

Anybody with a computer can now read the weekly exposés of the much-admired British government's health system, with dirty, overcrowded hospital rooms; spreading antibiotic resistance; poor treatment for older people (who don't have enough QALYs left on their life tickets); and deliberately uncontrolled immigration to bring in cheap Labour voters. These are all in our future.

I admit, it's a pretty boring reboot of Westworld.

But Americans voted for Obama because he would relieve their white guilt forever.

It's twue, eight years of Bush-Cheney made it so uncool to be a middle aged white dude that even before the 2008 election I had taken to putting on a turban and passing myself off as Korla Pandit.

They chose not to know the consequences. When things fall apart, they will blame another scapegoat. Obama's perversity -- his endless big promises leading to terrible outcomes -- echoes the growing perversity of our culture. This is a very stubborn disease, and it may take decades to cure.

Note that this particular strain of perversity has already mutated from a hamburger to a rainforest to a disease, so please stop taking antibiotics every time you get sick, wouldja?  You're just adding to the ever growing list of methicillin-resistant metaphors.

The Jihad War is yet another example of perversity. There certainly is a danger of foreign attacks today, but this is not the first time: in 1812, the Redcoats burned the White House down.

Far be it from me to challenge of the facts of a Scientific Tradesman, but the White House burned down in 1814, so if the Redcoats lit the blaze in 1812, I can only conclude they used a really crappy accelerant.

The Soviets ran constant bomber and submarine probes against the U.S., just as we did to them. Previous U.S. responses to military threats have been proportionate.

For instance, when the U.S. was attacked by Saudis operating out of Afghanistan, we invaded Iraq.

But Obama authorized global violations of the privacy rights of billions of people all over the world. Under Obama, we have abused the greatest promises of web technology.

Really?  Because it seems to be delivering porn just fine.

In this Brave New World, we still can't answer the ancient question -- can you trust a stranger with your private information? -- in the affirmative.

Ah, so something that's never been true is still not true. That's quite a perversityburger.

Happy Anniversary! A Dialogue

SCOTT:  Today is our seventh wedding anniversary.  Mary and I have been together much longer than that, of course, and while I'd rather not specify just how long it's been, I will say that when we met, people were still passionately debating the Joel versus Mike Question in the Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 folder on AOL.  Anyway, since the blog is almost ten years old, a lot of you guys knew us when we were living in sin.  So when you speak about this to the Opposition Research team of my political enemies -- and you will -- be kind.

Since Mary is home sick today, we thought a fun way to celebrate that didn't involve stirring from our respective computer desks might be to look up all the traditional gifts we'd be entitled to if I'd only paid her dad the full bride price (as is typical of me, I failed to plan ahead and save up enough livestock for the wedding, so I had to go on a payment plan -- one ewe a year -- but 2012 was particularly tough for us financially, and I was only able to pay him in sheepskin carseat covers -- and I'm pretty sure those were synthetic -- which barely covered the vig).  But she sent me this list of traditional anniversary gifts, so at least we can open the link and, like the Sears Wish Book, sit and dream...

7th Anniversary Traditional Gift:
Copper or Wool. Copper has long had a traditional meaning of prosperity, good luck, and good fortune.

And saucepans.

Couples who celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary can indeed celebrate their good fortune in finding one another.

If we're traditional enough to celebrate in this traditional manner, then clearly our marriage is defined by traditional sex roles.  So get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sauce, woman!

The gift of wool represents the comfort, durability, security, and warmth that couples married this long give one another.

And since by this point neither one of you even bothers to shave anymore, wool also represents the degree of scratchiness you've achieved as a couple.

 Roman brides touched their the threshold of their new home with wool.

Mostly to mop up the blood stains left when the slaves dragged out the previous wife's body.  I've read I, Claudius.

The Old Testament has a passage (Proverbs 31) describing wives of noble character as women who select wool and spin yarns with eager hands.

So stop looking for love on eHarmony, and start hanging around the Yarn Barn.

MARY: Good Gravy! Has it been seven years since we both risked heatstroke and walked down the aisle of that shady wedding chapel in Vegas that had it's marrying privileges revoked? It's been, well not a whirlwind since 2006, but it certainly has been windy.

What's this?  There are modern gifts for the 7th anniversary?! Thank goodness! Maybe THIS year I can get that giant metal chicken I've dreamed about...

Desk Sets.

DAMMIT.

 The modern gift of a desk set is a practical gift that can be combined with one of your spouse's interests such as golf or collecting. 

Or perhaps their interests might run to actually collecting golf players. Or collecting golfing collectors.  Either way, make sure you've got the right desk set and have helpfully hidden it away in the hole in your basement where your golf players and/or golfing collectors are trapped. And also, that they regularly puts the lotion on its skins.

7th Anniversary Color:
Yellow or off white.  

Nice! Goes with the latest color of our hair and teeth!

7th Anniversary Flower:
Jack-in-the-pulpit, a common wild flower that blooms in spring in moist wooded areas.

I think they mean "man in the boat", and that pretty much blooms all the time in moist hooded areas.

Ways to Celebrate Your 7th Anniversary:

• Toast one another with hope that your love continues to provide comfort, prosperity, and security like the traditional gifts of wool and copper.
• Purchase tickets to a show, movie, sports event, concert, theatre, etc. to attend together.

Better yet, pop some popcorn in a copper kettle, settle down under a scratchy blanket, and watch COPPER on BBC America!

Happy Anniversary, Mother Fucker!