And for some reason this reminded me of WO'C's old friend Thomas Carder of the ChildCare Action Project (or "CAP Alert"), the self-appointed pastor whose "ministry" involves him watching vaguely dirty movies so you don't have to, or watching fairly clean movies and finding all the hidden dirty parts. The former always confused me; I could understand him seeing G, PG, and even PG-13 films, so he could warn parents who might otherwise be lulled into a false sense of security by the MPAA's lax rating scheme, but Thomas watched an awful lot of R-rated movies too, which his presumably evangelical readership wouldn't be inclined to see in the first place, let alone take their Dugger-sized families to, and s.z. and I began to wonder if he had simply realized that dream of every cyberspace-dwelling slacker: subsidized porn.
But like all congregations, ChildCare Action Project (not quite sure why Care is capitalized rather than hyphenated) lived off the collection plate, and every week Thomas threatened to lock the doors of his virtual church because you -- the freeloading parishioner -- had failed to donation sufficient funds to cover his Milk Duds, and extra large Mr. Pibb, which in his faith serves the same function as the Eucharist. Thomas had no other job but Apostle to the multiplex, although he claimed to have a rich and varied C.V. As s.z. wrote in 2005:
We've previously discussed our fondness for Thomas Carder of CAP fame. We like him for his horribly mangled prose, his loony pronouncements, and his cluelessness. One of the highlights of our life was when mistook an Onion story about children joining covens after readiing the Harry Potter books for a real news item, and claimed that it vindicated his claims that grade-school children were turning to Satan as a result of J.K. Rowlings' work -- and then, when Thomas was flooded with email pointing out that he had been fooled by a fake story, he said that this was how Satan worked: by making us think that the truth was a lie. Oh, and he also cited a Paul Harvey story he remembered hearing 20 years ago which said that most missing children are eaten by witches.So I visited CAP Alert, thinking it had must have long since faded away. Instead, I found the place was thriving, although the design was so remarkably unchanged since we last saw it that I can only suppose it wound up on the National Registry of Historic Websites as a pristine example of mid-90s GeoCities architecture, and now the Landmarks Commission won't let Thomas change his font.
But we especially like Thomas's stories about his life. It seems that before making his living by taking in a passel of foster children (and by pleading for donations to his "movie ministry"), he used to be: a drug counselor; a safety inspector, a martial artist; and a nuclear power technician (no, not at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant -- I think he said he worked for Oak Ridge or Area 57 or something).
The impression that one gets from Thomas's stories is that Thomas hasn't been especially successful at anything, and so naturally drifted into trying to make a buck from the combination of religious fundamentalism and the internets.
There are, of course, lots of legitimate film critics on the Internet, and no shortage of amateurs with passionate opinions and a good wifi connection, but that's the thing -- they're just opinions. CAP, on the other hand, is the only review site which uses a Scientific Model of Film Criticism, precluding the possibility of error or bias:
During the development of the CAP Numeric Analysis Model, the developer observed our culture and society for examples of unacceptable activities and behavior -- unacceptable in accordance with the teachings of Jesus -- examples of activities and behavior which are potentially destructive to wholesome morals, values, and principles. At developement's end, the examples of unacceptable activities and behavior were incorporated into the CAP system as Investigation Standards. The Investigation Standards were partitioned into six Investigation Areas:
Wanton Violence/CrimeBut the best part?
Offense to God
There is little room for subjectivity in the CAP system...The CAP Model relies on fact, not speculation -- it is as objective as any human evaluation system can be. Either an example of unacceptable activity or behavior was present during the investigation or it was not. The CAP Model makes no attempt to evaluate whether any justification for an unacceptable activity/behavior was present.Examples of such self-evident behaviors include "woman in tub with sensual maneuvers and music," "tease dress," and the unmistakable "suggestive eye movements." All of the above occur in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (which I clicked on only because I'd seen it), along with "much use of camera angle to force viewer on private part," (the part in question was a bit of side-boob, and to be honest, the camera didn't really have to twist my arm), "offer of booze," and "great fall" (I don't actually remember it being that great, but my standards are much more subjective than Thomas's).
Anyway, I wondered if Thomas had applied his infallible system to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I, and I was not disappointed; although sadly, it seems that Thomas was.
I do not remember much about the story and plot since it has been almost three weeks since I viewed the DVD but I'll share with you what I remember. Fortunately, that I don't remember much about the story and plot is meaningless to the CAP Analysis Model (the Findings/Scoring section). Our model procedures require the investigator to annotate his/her findings on a specially prepared form while watching the film so memory is not needed to generate the listing of findings or the scoring distribution.So using the CAP Numeric Analysis Model, even Guy Pearce's character from Memento could write a review -- it's that foolproof. Of course, he'd probably forget to submit it, unless he inked the text onto his body, and really, who wants to go around with the words "Sexual Immorality" and "Offense to God" tattooed on your butt cheeks.
HP7 Part 1 (2010) was rated PG-13 by the weak sisters at the MPAA, but according to CAP it earns a [Hard R-13*] .
Wanton Violence/Crime (W) - Zero out of 100
Each of the previous six episodes earned a R-equivalent (54 and below out of 100) Wanton Violence/Crime investigation area score. This one is no different. Thus, all of the Harry Potter films so far have been R-equivalent in violence.
"Stand back -- I'm about to make a suggestive eye movement!"
Impudence/Hate (I) - 23 out of 100Thomas has put his finger on what I most dislike about drama: all the conflict. Sure, it's the villains who say "Magic is Might," and it's a philosophy which the heroes fight against with every dram of courage and determination they possess, but that's the problem. You give heroes something to fight, and they're going to fight it, which makes them unholy and frankly, just bad role models. You don't see any conflict or violence in the Bible, do you?
The language impurities [Col. 3:8] and matters of hatefulness [Rom. 12:18] in each of the seven episodes seem to hover around the demarcation between R and PG-13 equivalent (54/55 out of 100). In addition, the entire film, indeed every Potter film, oozed a theme of teens in control with adult involvement only when "politically correct" or when adult involvement suits the aims and goals of the teens. A rather impudent comment used by the filmmakers was "Magic is Might." Bloodlust, planning to kill and lies added to the "up yours" parts of the plot. [1 Pet. 5:5, Rev. 21:8]
Sexual Immorality (S) - 85 out of 100I didn't even know Misty Mundae was in this movie. I must have gone out for Raisinets during the three-way.
This one has gotten bold enough to show Harry and Hermoine making out in a misty nude scene.
Harry gets to zip up the dress over the bare back of Ginny (Bonnie Wright) when there were no adults around, of course. She could not do it herself, of course. That would seem to scream that since she had to have help this time she probably never has been able to zip it up herself, of course. And since her mom or another female was not around … This begs the question, why was she dressing in front of Harry in the first place?Nothing more salacious than helping a girl get less nude.
Other than the above, characters in underwear and female underwear on a male were all that there were to the Sexual Immorality content of this episode of Harry Potter.Can anyone help me with the "female underwear on a male"? I've seen this movie a couple times, and I'm drawing a blank.
Because so much contempt for sexual humility in and as entertainment has been built up over the years we have become insensitive to God's will for our sexual purity. God tells us many things in His Word about what is and what is not sexually acceptable.Thou shalt not zip up a girl's dress. Or button it, if you're Amish.
Offense to God (O) - Zero out of 100By all means. Let's check out the Numeric Analysis section (you may use a calculator for this next section).
The content regarding offense to God's Word is intense. As with violence, the evil/unholy content is so thick to even summarize it here would be unproductive. Please rely on the listing in the Findings/Scoring section for a detailing of the content of the film found by this investigation area.
Wanton Violence/Crime (W) - Zero out of 100Killing with friends or co-workers, while often a good team-building exercise, is extremely unholy. Biblical killing is invariably accomplished by one man, alone, armed with only a sling, or the jawbone of an ass.
recruiting assistance to kill
animal consumption of human (unseen)The animals in question were rats, the human was Ernest Borgnine, and it was unseen because it happened in an entirely different movie, Willard.
injury gore, repeatedly(I understand the impulse behind this last one, but believe me ladies, it only increases performance anxiety. )
threat to face
battle using unholy magic, repeatedly
strongarm tactics to force performance
sculpture of crushing many people
Now he's an art critic.
explosive startleI'm not sure why the length of the pursuit to kill by unholy magic matters, unless Thomas is concerned that brooms get poor mileage and release a lot of chlorofluorocarbons.
long pursuit to kill by unholy magic
Impudence/Hate (I) - 23 out of 100
six uses of profanity, five by a teen
wanting to be chosen to kill a teen boy
theme of teens in control
Well, to be fair, #2 would probably solve #3.
animate argument, twice
torture to force admission
I predict Thomas is going to pan the crap out of The Dick Cheney Story.
Sexual Immorality (S) - 85 out of 100Just wait til you see what they do in The Opening of Misty Beethoven.
female underwear on male
teen girl asking teen boy to zip up her dress
teen boy in underwear
teen boy and teen girl making out in misty nudity
Drugs/Alcohol (D) - 93 out of 100
Yep. Since about the third paragraph.
Offense to God (O) - Zero out of 100
evil sounds with tissue decay
This also describes the average Wayne Newton show.
gathering of sorcerers, witches, etc., repeatedly
I think this refers to that scene where Harry addresses a meeting of the Hogsmeade Rotary Club.
broom riding, multiplewith clear and repeated violations of the helmet law.
riding demon beastI thought my wife was the only one who called it that. Hmph.
levitation on motorcycleYou meet the nicest people levitating on a Honda.
shape-shifting, repeatedly, once to falsify identityYou know what I hate most about werewolves? Half the time they go through that hideous transformation not to eviscerate humans, or to spread their unholy curse, but just to steal your PIN number.
multiple flashbacks of evilI've experienced this before, but usually only when I get an invitation to my high school reunion.
calling a sorcerer the Chosen One [Luke 23:35]Now that you mention it, the pictures on the screen at the movie theater were also in motion. I don't mean to lock the barn door after the horse has run away, but I certainly hope someone had the foresight back in 1888 to burn Thomas Edison at the stake.
moving still photos, repeatedly
unholy medallionI can't believe those weak sisters at the MPAA didn't have the guts to give this piece of trash an NC-17 for scenes of explicit transportation.
unholy manifestation, repeatedly, some graphic
transport by unholy magic, repeatedly, some graphic
unholy healingAlso known as "Obamacare."
attitude control by unholy magicThat was the scene were wizards and witches were all pointing their wands at each other and shouting the incantation, "Zoloft!"
text appearing by unholy magicMy iPhone is apparently a horcrux.
Christmas without JesusOtherwise known as "Black Friday."
inexplicable voicesTurns out it was just that "Pants on the Ground" guy.
fire by unholy magicKing Arthur: Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim.
So there you have it. Attend a screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 at the risk of thy immortal soul. Unless you watched a lot of Bewitched reruns when you were a kid, in which case you're going to Hell already, and would you like something from the Snack Bar?