Which brings us to Jeannie DeAngelis' latest -- and if I may say so, definitive -- demonstration of the Does She or Doesn't She? school of journalism, in which Jeannie exposes Michelle Obama for possibly buying lingerie from a British company, thereby contributing to the collapse of the American corsetiere industry, as well as threatening the livelihoods of small business owners such as the two Ukrainian-American guys who run FirstLadyUpskirtPix.com (a fair and balanced site, by the way, which features both Democrats ["See Lady Bird Johnson's Nest!"] and Republicans [the "Barbara's Bush" gallery alone has over a hundred photos]).
Is Michelle Obama America's Agent Provocateur?So there you have it. If the rumor is true -- and despite White House denials, we've heard about it, thereby proving that we have so much time on our hands we can afford to waste some of it reading American Thinker, which is a damning indictment indeed -- then Mrs. Obama may have bought underwear. Some people may think this is ridiculous source material for a political scandal, but personally, I believe anyone dumb enough to deal with a company who's name means "Entrapment," has it coming.
If the rumors are true -- and despite "angry denials" by the White House, it's finally public knowledge -- then when hanging around the presidential living quarters, Michelle Obama does not wear ripped sweatpants and an old "Yes We Can" Obama 2008 T-shirt. Recently, we've come to find out that last year, while hubby was out preaching the gospel of fairness, wifey may have been busy acquiring a few "must-have" items from Hollywood-style British retail lingerie shop Agent Provocateur.
Ironically, a provocateur is someone who "provokes trouble, causes dissension or the like; an agitator." Whether the fancy underwear story is true or not, either way, Mrs. Obama is indeed an agent provocateur.So she's working for the cops? Perhaps she went undercover to help nab a gang trafficking in counterfeit Spanx and contrabandeaus (there was a similar storyline in the second season of HBO's crime drama, The Underwire).
And, based on her continued dedication to extravagant self-indulgence, spending oodles of dollars on thongs doesn't seem far-fetched.And, based on an unsourced rumor in the Fashion section of a British tabloid, I completely believe it.
Let's remember: Michelle Obama pays absolutely no mind to public indignation over things like wearing a $2,000 sundress to church.Which is exactly the kind of crass, tone deaf, nouveau riche crap a true First Lady like Nancy Reagan would never have pulled, because it would have reflected poorly on the Office of the Presidency, and would have required going to church.
Now we find out that the first lady may have filled a van with $600 corsets at a high-end Madison Avenue girdle shop.She may have filled a van with stolen big screen TVs and driven it across the Verrazano Narrows Bridge at 3 in the morning to meet a fence in Staten Island, only to see the deal go sour and a brief gun battle break out, during which Mrs. Obama was grazed by a 9mm round and the fence fatally shot, forcing the wounded First Lady to dump the body in the Fresh Kills Landfill before eventually abandoning the truck at rest stop and fleeing in a stolen silver or light gray two-door sedan with Pennsylvania plates. We just don't know.
Whether she did or she didn't, either way, Misunderstood Michelle shouldn't worry about being disparaged for behaving like the voluptuary she is.Perry Mason couldn't have summed it up better. "Your Honor, I submit that whether my client did or did not murder the victim is unimportant, because even if he's innocent, he was just acting like the killer he is."
If the going gets tough, the first lady can divert attention from her shopping in a store that sells "the most erotic lingerie in the world" by whining about things like being unjustly viewed as an "angry black woman," or serving turkey tacos to schoolchildren with Rachael Ray.I must have missed that last interview, but if I was forced to spend time with Rachel Ray, I'd bitch about it too. Especially if the taco meat steam trays were taking the curl out of my hair. Here's a question, though: which lingerie eroticism ranking is proper for a First Lady? I think underwear that is seeded 18th in the world is most suitable, but you guys may have different opinions.
When asked about his clients, Agent Provocateur's chief executive Gary Hogarth refused to reveal whose names were on the "secret list."Actually, he didn't say anything about a "secret list" in the article Jeannie linked to, but who's to say he wasn't thinking it? We may never know.
On the other hand, this did appear in the piece: "A spokesman for the label told MailOnline: 'Recent claims regarding Michelle Obama and purchases made at an Agent Provocateur boutique are incorrect.'"
However, he did admit that the brand had "attracted a high number of 'unexpected famous names' -- especially in the US, where sales have overtaken the UK." If U.S. sales have surpassed the U.K.'s, could it be because one very famous woman traded in bunny slippers for some size 11 Pom Pom Mules?Meow.
No one knows for sure what Agent Michelle the Provocateur hauled away in those pink and black shopping bags, or if she actually did shop there.It doesn't really matter, though, because according to the multiverse theory, every decision you make causes reality to fracture into potentially infinite alternate dimensions. Therefore, even if Mrs. Obama didn't go to a store on Madison Avenue and buy underwear, quantum mechanics proves that somewhere, in a parallel universe, she did. So impeachment seems mathematically sound.
But what we do know is that Mrs. Obama would have zero problem brazenly shutting down a street in New York City; she did it before for date night, and if in need of shopping therapy in a sexy skivvy shop, she'd likely do it again.I didn't realize that in addition to urging school children to eat healthy, Michelle has also usurped the power of motorcade traffic management from the Secret Service. On a more rib-tickling note, Jeannie's link goes to a Foxnews.com story from 2009, which includes these timely passages:
Even before the Obamas left Washington, the there-and-back trip drew criticism from Republicans. They questioned the president's decision to travel to New York for a night of entertainment during a recession and while automakers struggle to survive.If the politics thing doesn't work out, the RNC could always consider shifting gears and competing head to head with the Psychic Friends Network.
The Republican National Committee issued a news release that chastised Obama for saying he understands American's troubles, but then hopping up to New York for "a night on the town."
Noting that General Motors is expected to file for Chapter 11 protection on Monday, the news release said: "Putting on a show: Obamas wing into the city for an evening out while another iconic American company prepares for bankruptcy."
Despite White House denials, it could be that at one point Michelle did shop at the Madison Avenue boutique, and if she did, reports are that she allegedly rang up a $50K tab.It's possible that Jeannie spent one hazy, Sterno-fueled summer haunting the Southern Pacific freight yards in the High Desert, sleeping in culverts and emerging only on moonless nights to eviscerate hobos and feast on their kidneys. You'll note that she hasn't even bothered to deny it.
Besides buying push-up bras, $50,000 could feed and house the family of at least one disenfranchised worker to whom Barack Obama promised a job but has yet to deliver, not to mention pay for a four-year college education for a disadvantaged child.Too bad General Motors is bankrupt, or the disenfranchised anecdote might have found work there. Personally, though, I think that making children attend college can lead to more stress than a 9 year old can easily handle, even if universities are more likely to have working rest rooms and less Mac 'n Cheese in the cafeteria than the public grammar schools they normally attend. Plus -- and I speak from experience -- if you try to pay off the bursar in brassiers, you're going to spend a lot of time filling out forms at the Financial Aid office.
Then, less than a week after [the State of the Union Address], the British press reported that Mrs. Obama, the woman who brightened up the SOTU address in a $2,000 shimmering peacock-blue Barbara Tfank dress, "[a]long with the Queen of Qatar, Sheikha Mozah," played by her own rules, descended on "Madison Avenue, and spent some girlfriend time slapping big bucks on the counter of a lingerie shop."That quote certainly does sound incriminating. Especially when you paste it into Google and find that Jeannie just made it up, because that means that somewhere in the multiverse, there's a reality where an alternate Jeannie DeAngelis found an actual, relevant quote that conclusively proved Michelle's guilt. Now we just need to find a Federal judge willing to issue a transdimensional bench warrant.
And what exactly would Mrs. Obama buy if she did actually shop there?It's fun to fantasize, although Jeannie is the first grandmother I've met who's deposited Michelle Obama in her Spank Bank.
Could be that Mrs. Obama isn't a provocateur at all, and if she actually did go on a secret shopping trip, perhaps she simply wanted to introduce the "sensuality and flirtation of the 70s" into the White House. Her ultimate goal may have merely been to whip into playful submission a president who is turning out to be even worse than 1970s icon Jimmy Carter.