Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Why Must They Laugh at My Mighty Wand?

National Review Online editor Kathryn Jean Lopez is furious!  Her boyfriends, the Virginia General Assembly, were this close to passing their Chick on a Stick law, but it was snatched away at the last moment by opponents armed with "humor," which according to Kathryn Jean's reading of the rulebook constitutes illegal use of a foreign object.
Jests Mask a More Sinister Agenda
Medieval Fool attired in traditional Pro-Choice Motley.
There's no doubt that Planned Parenthood and its supporters had a brilliant strategy: Get as many people as possible to repeat the word "transvaginal" in news and commentary stories, and accomplish two things: Defeat legislation at hand and make your opposition look like a freak show.  
I'd think the mere fact of the Virginia State government decreeing that a patient be forced to pay for her abortion not merely in specie but in pain and humiliation was enough to bring them into ill repute, but no; apparently "transvaginal" is a magic word, and like "Avada kedavra!" it killed the Virginia Vaginal Invasion Act of 2012.  (Full disclosure:  like a lot of liberals, I have been saying "transvaginal" a lot lately, but I want to assure K-Lo that it's not because I'm trying to discredit the policy goal of shoving an imaging device into every pregnant woman and turning her uterus into an episode of "Big Brother," but only because it just happens to be my safe word).
That's what just played out with a bill in Virginia that would have required women considering having an abortion to get a sonogram first.

From a Washington Post piece about a protest against the bill:

"Molly Vick of Richmond said it was her first time to take part in a protest, but the issue was too infuriating and compelling."

What's infuriating is that we can't have an honest debate about anything that involves women, because it might make Planned Parenthood or any of the political or business wings of the abortion industry uncomfortable.
Modern feminists are such easily distracted crybabies that they can't even carry on a civil discussion about which of their civil rights to give up while Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is transfixing them with a bollard.  And let's face it, Kathryn Jean does have a point.  After all, stabbing an abortion patient with a Sonogram Shiv isn't fatal, it's not like they're getting pierced by bullets.  That kind of thing is strictly reserved for abortion providers.
This is the new feminist America, and it's just as delusional and duplicitous at the first round.
As we now know, The Feminine Mystique was an elaborate literary hoax, like Robinson Crusoe, or The O'Reilly Factor for Kids.
It's not happening at anti-establishment protests, it is the establishment.
Fundamentalist Catholics like K-Lo and Rick Santorum are the new Hippies, and are out to bring down the Man -- well, the Woman -- with powerful counter-culture events, like a conservative Woodstock, in which clean cut men and women would have fruitful, p-in-v intercourse in a muddy field while Hank Williams, Jr. musically inquired if they had made the proper preparations for football, and the organizers got on the loudspeaker periodically to warn the pregnant women in the audience not to take the brown folic acid.  They were also going to have a March on Washington, but it's hard to cover a lot of ground quickly with an aspirin held between your knees, so they're going to save that event for the Summer of Abstinence picnic.
Even "Saturday Night Live" got into the frenzy, mocking the bill and the term of the moment in a recent sketch.
Really?  Even Saturday Night Live stooped to cheapshot satire?  I'll never look at public affairs programming the same way again.

If only the sponsors of this legislation had foreseen the crippling comic effects of the word "transvaginal," and had pre-empted it with a less risible term.  They might have referred to the device in question as the Twat Twizzler, or -- as Mary calls it -- the Vag-O-Matic.  Other possibilities include "the Elder Wand," "the Pols' Pole," or "the Staff of the National Review."
Go ahead and read the bill that caused the cries of "state-mandated rape." The word "transvaginal" never appears in it.
To meet the demands of the proposed law, a transvaginal ultrasound is required, but the authors never actually come right out and say it in so many words.  So basically, the bill talks in vague, but menacing euphemisms, like a villain from a 1970s detective show ("I want this Rockford situation taken care of...permanently!").

The bill was an update on Virginia's informed-consent law
Otherwise known as the "Orwell?  Never Heard of Him" Act.
...which didn't require a particular kind of ultrasound, such as the intrusive procedure that drew mockery and outrage from the left. So doctors on site would be making the calls about what kind of ultrasound would be best for a particular women -- not the governor or the House of Delegates or the legendary exorcist Rick Santorum!
I wonder if these are the same doctors who pointed out that the only way to get the kind of image the bill required was to shish kabob the patient.  I also wonder if K-Lo feels obliged to list the lies she tells in her various columns when she goes to confession, or if she's wangled some sort of Papal dispensation that permits her to freely fib for Christ.
 And, frankly, even if the bill did mandate an invasive type ultrasound -- sometimes the age of the fetus or other circumstances will call for it --it wouldn't have been state-sponsored rape.
The woman would have had to pay for it, so it would only have been state-inflicted rape.
It's standard medical care. All things in the OB-GYN world tend to be invasive. Are routine exams rape, too? Can we just drop the nonsense already?
Kathryn Jean, are you really incapable of grasping the concept of consent?   That's like saying there's no difference between an appendectomy and getting shanked in an alley.  Yes, they both involve knives, but in the former case they won't actually cut you unless you sign the form.
I guess not. Not when those who resort to the most shameless rhetoric end up winning.
You seem depressed.  Unfortunately, your home state has just passed a law mandating that patients suspected of clinical depression be trepanned to allow the demons to escape their skulls.  Have a seat.
Moondoggie would like to remind you to (if possible) please give to the Annti Evict-O-Thon (at least, I think that's what that gesture means).  Details in the post below.


Cole said...

What's infuriating is that we can't have an honest debate about anything that involves women,...

An honest debate in which no one can use correct terminology or dare to point out the malicious fallacies of the opposing "argument."

Seems fair. Let me have some of them magic beans, and I'm in.

Cole said...

Kathryn Jean, are you really incapable of grasping the concept of consent? That's like saying there's no difference between an appendectomy and getting shanked in an alley.

A metaphor that might actually get through to these cretins might be one pulled from the headlines of their favorite checkout line tabloids--as in, "it's like the guy who woke up in that Mexican/Ecuadoran/Brazilian/Columbian/etc hotel bathtub full of ice with his kidney removed and a note to see a doctor taped to his chest."

I mean, people have organs removed everyday--what's the big woop?

Rugosa said...

I think it's time for Susan of Texas to blog another "K-Lo goes to confession" piece.

gocart mozart said...

To quote Amy Pohler "Transvaginal is my favorite airline, I especially like it when they upgrade me to Lady Business."

Carl said...

Damn, I was so looking forward to driving down to Virginny and getting my own Chicksicle...

Angry Geometer said...

"transvaginal", meet abortifacient, death panel, TelePrompTer, Islamofascist, liberal indoctrinator, mustardgate, and Buck with t-bone steak.

We can't have an honest debate about this issue because the facts are unpleasant to talk about. This is also why we never get to nuke anybody, either.

If I were an eccentric rich guy, I'd hire somebody to follow K. Lo around, saying "vagina" to her until something weird happened.

As far as alternate names for it, how about the Invisible Finger? That sounds pleasant, and conveys the fact that it's all about freedom! If women don't want to have things shoved in their vaginas unnecessarily, I guess they'll just have to invent a new type of ultrasound, won't they? The free market wins.

I guess K. Lo is basically saying that women who need to have an abortion should wait until the fetus is more developed so they don't have to have the rapey kind of ultrasound....

Anonymous said...

Well, K-lo's real problem is she's just jealous.

The poor homely aging virgin will likely NEVER need to have an ultrasound...of any type....

Anonymous said...

Vagina is for Lovers

David in NYC said...

Seems we can't have an honest debate because there are teenage pages sitting in the chamber during the debate, and, well, they have such delicate sensibilities:


So, they're too delicate to hear the word "transvaginal", but not TOO delicate that it wouldn't be a good idea to penetrate them with a metal device for no good reason?

Got it.

Chris Vosburg said...

Nothing to add to what has already been said about Our Lady of Perpetual Hooey, but I did want to point out that Joel, despite the turtleneck, missed the boat by not wearing those rimless shades with the lenses that were darker at the top than the bottom, de riguer for the seventies TV baddie and/or music exec (same thing, I guess).

One of my other favorites, not necessarily of that era, was any situation in which a good guy is captured and presented to his nemesis, who after taunting him with full explication of his bad deed to come, scornfully directs his henchmen to "take him away!"

Later, I imagine him directing the same henchmen to bring him back for more taunting and punishment--

"Well, wait, he's not here any more, Boss. You told us to take him away, so we showed him out the front door. Isn't that what you wanted?" reply the dimwitted henchmen.

Stacia said...

You must have tented your fingers and purred "exxxxxcelent" when you first found this article, Scott. It is joyous in its fuckwittery.

Having had a pole prod for medical reasons, I can say that it is not simply routine medical care, and I wonder why K-Lo thinks it is. I mean, the easiest answer is she's just a damn liar, but sometimes I start to drift off and imagine the life of an internet D-list pundit: Never changing out of their Spiderman Underoos, personal philosophies constructed out of lies, ignorance, and discarded styrofoam cups, and their surroundings slipping momentarily out of focus like a Lynch film.

Dr.BDH said...

What's infuriating is that we can't have an honest debate about anything that involves women, because it might make some men uncomfortable.


Scott said...

Stacia: Yes, this one did indeed trigger my super-villain purr.

sometimes I start to drift off and imagine the life of an internet D-list pundit: Never changing out of their Spiderman Underoos, personal philosophies constructed out of lies, ignorance, and discarded styrofoam cups, and their surroundings slipping momentarily out of focus like a Lynch film.

That nicely sums it up, yes.

Kathy said...

I'd like to joke about the transvaginal probe, but I can't even crack a smile when I think about our government passing "laws" requiring unnecessary (expensive, invasive) medical procedures for anyone for any reason. Medical associations, Doctors, Nurses, Technicians should sue these cretins right up to the Supreme Court. And if the SCOTUS says the laws are "legal", then the governments who pass such laws should be FORCED to pay for the procedure. A LOT.

As for Moondoggie: he looks like he's saying "I wuv you this mu... zzzzz...

Anonymous said...

Can't look at that photo without attempting to chin-tickle Moondoggie through the screen.


Woodrowfan said...

I wonder how many RW bloggers who get all twitchy when the discussion turn to woman's health and their girly parts then turn around and spend several hours staring at close-ups of said girly parts on porn sites.

Christopher said...

You know, I like to give people I disagree with the benefit of the doubt; there are a lot of different ways of thinking about things, and things that might be obvious to you might not be to some other people.

But when you spend the first five paragraphs of your argument complaining that the word "transvaginal" isn't in the bill, only to then admit that, okay, yes, technically the bill does mandate them even though it doesn't use that language, you're just a lying piece of shit.

Also, I think it's kind of weird to put two colons in your opening sentence, but then, I'm not an editor.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

I commented on this post and Moonie's adorableness-to-the-point-of-kitteh-overdose picture the same day that this post was up on the blog. Why is fucking Blogger EATING MY COMMENTS?!?!?!

BTW: R.I.P., Manchester Midget Davy Jones.