Saturday, April 14, 2012

Making a Metaphor Out of a Molehill

When politicians talk about tipping tax policy in favor of the "job creators," I'm tempted to observe that, even if they're inclined to, there is a limit to the number of jobs they could create in our present economy, because there's a limit to the size of the human bladder -- i.e., there are just so many Frappuccinos we can drink.

But Dr. Gina Loudon reminds us that, despite the loss of our industrial base, there are three things we still manufacture in America: outrage, orgasms, and suspect doctorates.

Dr. Gina, just to catch you up, is a talk radio host from St. Louis, whose Id is broadcast over 8 Midwestern states.  Here's a sample:
The land surrounding Ground Zero is a war memorial. The proposal of an Islamic mosque there is synonymous with a Nazi war memorial in downtown London. How would the world react to that proposal? Wouldn’t Western Europe just about leap off the map if that were proposed? Where is the outrage from our European “friends?”
So like a lot of farm league Limbaughs, Dr. Gina's mouth resembles that plywood  machine on the old Hobo Kelly show, which would vomit toys when the host turned the crank.
Dr. Gina Loudon, Ph.D., dispensing her opinions during midafternoon on KJSL TRUTHTALK, 630 AM (artist's conception).

But she's more than that.  The wife of "Senator John Loudon (R-MO, ret.)" -- actually, State Senator -- she's also a "Policologist (the nexus of politics and psychology)."  At first, I assumed that meant her Ph.D is in either political science or psychology, but that's simply because my own intellectual scope is as cramped and limited as the dimensions of the human bladder, because it turns out her degree is in Humanity Itself:
Fielding Graduate University is a"distributed learning" institution, which in previous decades would have been called a "correspondence school," but it's on the Internet, so we have to make up a new bullshit, jargony term for it, 'cause of l33tspeak.  FGU focuses on the student who wants the college experience delivered to his couch like a Domino's pizza...
  • Do you wish to pursue your PhD, EdD, Master's or a certificate without moving from your home?
...and is looking for a doctorate in a just barely plausible field, like "Human and Organizational Development," "Evidence Based Coaching" and "Sustainability Leadership," all of which would obviously qualify one to go on AM radio every day and bitch about homos.  Their course catalog reminds me of a bit from What's Up, Tiger Lily?:
High Macha Of Rashpur: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country.
Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh.
High Macha Of Rashpur: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.
Among the achievements she's proud enough to include in her bio, "Dr." Gina and her husband also claim to be the original organizers of the St. Louis Tea Party, from which they were subsequently and summarily ejected (by Dana Loesch and her husband, Chris) after Gina called marriage equality "a big gay mistake," and (State) Senator Loudon (R-MO, ret.) remarked:
If you want gay marriage, keep the federal government out of it. Move to a State of your choosing, and live happily gayly married ever after. This crap of you leftists getting one judge to make laws really irritates the heck out of people who believe in the rule of law. It is disgusting that you people cannot learn from the past. Live by the sword, die by the sword. You leave no choice but a US Constitutional Amendment.
It seems that naked homophobia doesn't sell as well as it used to, and even Missouri Teabaggers prefer the figleaf of "religious freedom," just as many of the most virulent racists in the 1950s and 60s would rather be seen speaking of "states' rights" than "segregation."  Plus, with the weird, lopsided, Frankensteinian way her head sits on her body, most people are probably frightened by the thought of seeing her naked.

And that brings me to perhaps the most interesting thing about the Distance Learning Doctor -- that even though she's a far right wing conservative, she made the cheeky, subversive decision to use a photo collage for her official headshot (see above).  Very post modern.

Anyway, let's get to the doctor's column, in which we learn why we liberals should stop persecuting Ann Romney for the crime of wealth, and instead, simply admire the ease and frequency with which she is made moist by Mitt.
More Obama Manufactured Outrage at Women

Remember when Grandma warned you not to “make a mountain out of a mole hill” or it would get you into trouble? 
Actually, I don't really remember my grandmother ever using that phase, and certainly not as a threat.  Apparently your Grandma considered you a self-dramatizing little twit.
The Democrat machine might have crashed into the side of their own manufactured mountain.  They manufactured the war on women that never took place, and drudged up the sexually promiscuous Sandra Fluke as their hero. 
I hate when our machine crashes into imaginary mountains.  We should spend less time manufacturing and drudging, and more time listening to the GPS -- unfortunately, it's got a woman's voice, so we're at war with it.

Anyway, this is a good a time as any to clarify some common misconceptions.  The Republicans (and I think even our liberal friends can agree with this) are not at war with woman!  They're only waging war on one part -- the vagina -- and all they're asking for is the right to regulate what goes into it (nothing!) and what comes out (babies!, which should be constantly popping their heads through the labia like a game of Whack-A-Mole).
Then they manufactured a race war, and they have all the love and beauty of Sharpton, Farrakhan, and Jackson on the face of that mountain.
So our machine crashed into Imaginary Mount Blackmore, which replaced Mount Rushmore when Obama and Holder suspended the Constitution and handed the reins of power to the jackbooted thugs from Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation video?  Or is Dr. Human Development just quoting one of the more memorable passages from The Turner Diaries?
But their favorite manufactured mountain is that of class warfare.
Actually, mine is Space Mountain, followed a close second by Big Thunder Mountain. What's your favorite manufactured mountain?
This one works well for them, even in a tough economy of their own creation.  But Americans are waking up to an election on the horizon, and they are not seeing themselves reflected in the chosen heroes of the left.
We need to spritz our heroes with a little Windex.
Hilary Rosen, a Democrat strategist took a turn at the wheel of the class warfare train last night, and crashed it right into the side of the carefully constructed class warfare mountain.
I don't know if the police in Missouri can arrest one for Metaphoring while Under the Influence, but I think Gina just blew a 0.19.
Ann Romney, however blessed because of her family’s dedication to hard work, good business acumen and budgeting
...and rapine.
...has raised 5 boys.
Well, she's raised 5 boys once removed, thanks to the governesses.  And the tutors -- so twice removed.  And the chauffeurs who drove them back and forth to school, and the mall, and soccer clinic, and...Okay, let's just agree than Ann Romney raised 5 boys with no more than 6 Degrees of Separation.
She chose to stay at home and raise them, even after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and Cancer. 
I don't mean this as a joke, but I'm not sure how her health problems reflect on her courageously empty resume, because a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis and Cancer is not usually the signal to run out and get a stressful full-time job.  Unless, unlike Ann Romney, you desperately need the medical insurance (and good luck getting it with a pre-existing condition, let alone two).
She has campaigned alongside her husband for decades (that is work!)
Agreed!  I've had a few gigs in my life that involved manual labor, and none of them were as hard and backbreaking as the job of trying to convince people to like Mitt Romney.
...and she has done so all with an air of graciousness that has made her “more likable” than her husband in the eyes of the American electorate.
Which is something else she has in common with cancer.
Did she have help? Probably.  House keepers?  Check.  Spa appointments? Probably.  But should women across the country aspire to less?  Wouldn’t it be nice if most women in America had all that? 
So...if we vote for Mitt Romney, he'll give us a facial?  And not the kind we got repeatedly from the Bush-Cheney Administration?
As American women look at the business leader who took Ann Romney to that great place
Ewwww!  Ann's campaign slogan: "Vote for Mitt -- He Got Me Off Once."
...they might just prefer a President who worked for his wife and family to that end, rather than a President who truly has never even held a job in the private sector, met a budget, or had anything of luxury not funded by taxpayers
 Apparently the Obamas lived in a Cabrini Green before movin' on up to the White House.  It's like The Jeffersons, cubed!
Families are already feeling the vice grip of a gasping economy.
If there's one thing that's strong, crushing, and inescapable, it's the handshake of an emphysema patient.
In quiet observation, kids watch as the Obama kids live well, vacation much, and shop often, and they are asking questions about their own family vacations.
You know, our family went through several extremely bad years when I was a child, and while I was depressed when Santa Claus bypassed our house on Christmas, and upset when I'd go to the refrigerator in the morning and find no food, mostly I was obsessed with Tricia Nixon's honeymoon plans.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

What's your favorite manufactured mountain?

Oh, Big Thunder Mountain for sure.

Brian Schlosser said...

How fitting, that on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster, we get to witness THIS shipwreck!

(a cheap joke, but only usable one a century)

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

feeling the vice grip of a gasping economy.

And like the man said, extremism in defense of economy is no vise.

heydave said...

Who could forget The Big Rock Candy Mountain? But seriously, if Mitt becomes preznit, I'll give Him a facial! But I won't like it.

Keith said...

"Bear Mountain."


Anonymous said...

Brokeback mountain

Joseph said...

Ha! She got a MA and a PhD in the same year? I wonder how hard she had to work for that .

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Most might assume that Louisiana to be flat and swampy all over, but he rapid inclines and shocking descents of the ice-age-carved Tunica Hills makes the Smokies look like a small-gauge roller coaster. After the big washout of '85, right along The Pipeline (yes, THAT pipeline, that keeps sweetened crude flowing from Alaska to Cancer Alley and everywhere else), it looked like dinosaurs had been body-surfing in a typhoon, and for at least a good mile, all you could see where roads, hills, ancient trees and such once stood was acres of air, with said pipeline just jutting out there, unsupported and apparently taking no heed of gravity.

Not as much fun as Space Mountain, but also not as likely to give me my first migraine after 3 go-rounds.

Scott, I worry about you sometimes... where in the flying RAT-FUCK do you FIND MORONS LIKE THIS GLAMOUR-SHOT-RIPPED-OFF TWINKIE?!?!?!

(OT, but I couldn't resist... what does it mean when this racist twit's blathering and the comment I attempt to post happen to amalgamate a super-secret decoder-ring sneakret-code word like "OUR SSI"?!?!?)

tony in san diego said...

Unfortunately, it is the cranks that move history.

lacp said...

A policologist? What's that - somebody who performs policolonoscopies?

Nadine said...

Annti! You're back! I've been worried about you, sweetie! Are you and Biddy ok? Do you have someplace decent to Live? Please drop me a line.

As for the "Doctor", she seems to be dwelling mightily on the concept of "manufactured". Someone needs to check her back for the stamp of the Mattel Co. Plus she needs the help of a really great chiropractor for that leaning-head issue.

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

Agreed! I've had a few gigs in my life that involved manual labor, and none of them were as hard and backbreaking as the job of trying to convince people to like Mitt Romney.

"That's the sound of the Ann...working on a"

Carl said...

Her head. It looks way too large for that pitiful girly body.

Carl said...

a President who truly has never even held a job in the private sector, met a budget, or had anything of luxury not funded by taxpayers.

Dude taught at an Ivy League's hard to be more private than that, dummy.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...judging by the way she writes, her "distributed learning" curriculum must have included a course in English Composition given by Pastor Swank....

Tracy said...

"She chose to stay at home and raise them, even after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and Cancer."

Judging by this sentence, for someone with a PhD ( even if it's from a diploma mill), Ms. Loudon is mighty stupid.

trashfire said...

Here's the type of development she was studying.

MALE VOICE: "Suzy Creamcheese?"
SUZY: "Yes?"
MALE VOICE: "We've become very concerned about your...development."
[long pause]

--From Mothers of Invention, "It Can't Happen Here."

Dr.BDH said...

Favorite manufactured mountain? Rock City, of course.

Weird Dave said...

I kinda like Mt. Trashmore.

But I'll vote for Brokeback.

Rebuscado said...

"a Democrat strategist took a turn at the wheel of the class warfare train"

How do you turn the wheel of a train?