Sunday, October 7, 2012

Annti Come Home

After a long, frightening period of flopping in the sort of motels that Charles Bukowski would have dismissed as déclassé, and roughing it in remote, weed-grown campgrounds that were one hockey mask and a crazy mother away from inspiring a mid-80s slasher flick, our friend Anntichrist S. Coulter (AKA the Unsinkable Joanna) has outlasted the Three Fundamental Forces of Nature (Time, the Elements, and Chiggers), and endured long enough to finally find an apartment that will accept tenants on disability.

I wasn't going to say anything until she actually signed the lease on Tuesday, because I'm a pessimist who lives in constant dread of offending Fate (the Fourth Fundamental Force of Nature, which recently moved up from Sixth place after checking in more times on Foursquare), but the feral cat is out of the bag, so I'll let Annti tell you all about it in her own words.

(I've slightly edited her original email, because I'm uncomfortable reprinting correspondence without the express written permission of Major League Baseball, and because I think there's a 10,000 word-per-post limit on Blogger and, well, you's Annti.):

It's time for the Wicked-Slutty Off-Key Happy-Dance of Vindictive Monkey-Love Joy, 'cause ANNTI IS NO LONGER HOMELESS!!!!!!

Sorry for the blah ol' mass-mailing to all of y'all who have HELPED ME SURVIVE, LO, THESE MANY MOONS without a roof o'er my head nor a permanent address, not to mention all of that time wasted (and money!) in roach motels, hellish and good campgrounds...but there are just SO DAMNED MANY GOOD PEOPLE out there, y'all are just not easy to do, one e-mail at a time.  I hope that no one is offended by the mass-mailing, but I am just about to BURST with the good news, and since I don't have the time or privacy to blog (not that anybody goes to M.O.B. anymore anyway), I HAD to tell y'all as soon as I got the good news!!!

Here's the basic generic newsflash that I'm sending out:  The new apartment is half of a duplex, a REAL HOUSE; the neighbor is an 88-year-old woman who's bedridden & has 24-hour nursing care, and it's QUIET and peaceful and in A REAL NEIGHBORHOOD, not the projects!  No corporate assholes, an actual construction company owns it, and though it's not in THE best neighborhood in town, it is a LOVELY block.  Lots of street repairs going on, since the Superbowl's coming next year or the next, I dunno  ---  anyway, it's a working-class neighborhood...everybody owns their own homes, takes care of them, several retirees, no drug dealers, no gangs, no hookers, no crackheads...In other words, the polar opposite of Desire. 

And the construction crew who rebuilt this joint did it RIGHT, too, from the plumbing to the a/c to the sheetrock.  BEAUTIFUL tiny backyard, all shady and private, so James (the then-6-mos.old kitten who adopted me last month @ the campground on Chef) will have a place to go outside and play without getting run over or harmed by superstitious/sadistic sociopaths.  Yes, he's a black cat, with two big white spots on his belly.  He talks so much, he got named "James, Dammit!" by me & Fallen Uterus, because that's one of Nannie's rare cuss words, whenever Papa would aggravate her or talk too much.  I swore that I'd never have another animal, after I gave Boy AND Biddy lung cancer, but dammit, this kid JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY.  Now I have to see if I can talk the landlord into letting me go back to the campground and try to catch his silver brother.  When I decided to adopt James, I didn't know that he had any siblings amongst the baker's dozen of semi-feral/semi-tame cats there, but then I saw the face on that little silver cat (probably a boy, not sure, as it's wilder than James and I can't just go pick it up), and he/she/it was UTTERLY HEARTBROKEN.  I felt like the lowest form of life on earth, seeing that kitten's face.  You know how expressive that they are, when it's something that really matters to them.  I suspect the dumbassed son of the proprietors of having killed-off several of the cats that were there when they bought the joint from the old lady's descendants, who'd owned the RV park/campground until her death.  There were 35 cats, now there are 12.  Ya can't blame THAT many on traffic and the neighbor's untrained dogs.  But they BEGGED me to adopt James and to take five or six more with him, as if, so if his silver sibling is still there, I hope to trap & civilize him/her/it.  Hey, I've dealt with harder cases than this one.

Anyway, I DID get the apartment, going down to sign the lease on Tuesday, the federal subsidy money has been approved and the deposit paid, so it's good to go!

THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!  I love y'all more than words can say, not that THAT's ever stopped me, but I hope that this silly shit can even remotely convey how thrilled that I am to have friends like y'all, who've stuck with me, lo, these many years, and to those of you who were/are able to contribute to the homelessness/no-longer-homeless fund, BELIEEEEEVE ME, if that damned Powerball ever hits, y'all are getting repaid sixfold BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE!!!!!!

I love y'all so much, and could never ask for a better bunch of friends, as I surely don't deserve friends as good as y'all, but I'm damned grateful to have found y'all!!!!!!


Scott again:  I know everyone here shares my love and affection for Joanna, the quintessential Tough Broad With a Heart of Gold, and feels the same relief and happiness as her long national nightmare comes to a close, so congratulations, Annti!

(I also know she lost a lot of her possessions in the eviction and will consequently need to replace at least some of the necessities of civilized indoor life, so if you have a couple bucks you can contribute to the housewarming endowment, her Pals with Pay address is velvetgutter - at - hotmail.)

UPDATE:  Joanna tried to leave a comment, but she's on a borrowed computer and couldn't log in, so she emailed asking if I could post this for her:

"I adore you so much, Scott.  And Mary, and Sheri, and all of y'all here who made me feel so welcome into the bizarro world o'crap that we all call home.  I love the post, though I'll never look like Liz Taylor, even in her declining years, and thank you and all of the Crappers for your kindness and patience with the clusterfuck that is my life.  Nowhere else on earth have I ever felt so at home and so loved, and though I've neglected you all terribly lately (okay, since, y'know, APRIL!), please know that I never stopped thinking of you all and never stopped missing y'all, even when I didn't have a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut @ WIFI or other ISP.  Hopefully, if I can get my ISP bill paid and get the gas money to get down there tomorrow night, I'll be moving in as soon as possible and finding help to hire to get it all outta that storage unit.  THEN, I can once again rejoin the World O'Crap that I have missed so much, lo, these many moons.

Love y'all all, so much, and am so terribly grateful for your love, patience & friendship.



Bill S said...

Wonderful news, and just in time for her berfday (which is Thursday, if I'm not mistaken).

Doc Logan said...

Fantastic news, and here's hoping we see more from Joanna in comments soon!

(does very rough approximation of Snoopy dance on hobbled legs)

maryclev said...

Oh, such awesomely happy news, Annti! Gratz a thousand times over!

Nowhere else on earth have I ever felt so at home and so loved, and though I've neglected you all terribly lately (okay, since, y'know, APRIL!),

Well, you were all homeless and stuff so, you had a lot on your mind. Nothing to apologize for at all!

I dunno, maybe it's me, but with the turn of luck some of us are having, I think the next 12 months are going to be pretty good.

Debbi said...

Great news! :) Things are looking up all around.

Nadine said...

Nothing, NOTHING made me happier than this news. It's been literally the last 10 days from hell and I just needed this so damn much. So good to know. Knocking every piece of wood that I see until that f*cking lease is signed, sealed and delivered!

~The Minx~

Dark Avenger said...

There's no place like home!

trashfire said...

When your 88 y.o. neighbor kicks the bucket, maybe you can arrange for her SS chex to get forwarded to your side of the bldg? System's bankrupt anyway, I hear...

heydave said...

Wow! So your spot in the campground is open? Can I send my ex-wife? (jk)

Way to go!

Carl said...

Annti, welcome home!

No. Really. I mean it!

Woodrowfan said...

that's great! now there's no excuse for her slacking off on commenting anymore! 8-)

Dark Avenger said...

maybe you can arrange for her SS chex to get forwarded to your side of the bldg?

Protip: Don't bury the body nearby when you do so.

An autopsy has yet to verify whether the body of a woman found last week buried behind a Springville home is 91-year-old Acevia Crafts, but court records show that her children have told investigators it is their mother's body.

One of Acevia Crafts' three children, Addison Crafts, 56, admitted to a Tulare County sheriff's detective that he buried the body after she died in April of 2005 — and last week directed investigators to the spot, which he had covered with tires and fencing, the records state.

A sheriff's report containing this information was filed with the Tulare County Superior Court in the case of Addison Crafts and his two siblings, Arthur Crafts, 65, and Elaine Verna Crafts, 60, who stand accused of keeping their mother's death a secret in order to continue receiving her pension checks.

Over more than a year, those checks total about $15,000, according to documents filed with the court.

Springville is in the foothills about a 20+ minute drive from where I live. Charming town.

Anonymous said...

Well, hell, she was making TWICE what *I* make in a year! Where's MY damned raise?!?!?