déclassé, and roughing it in remote, weed-grown campgrounds that were one hockey mask and a crazy mother away from inspiring a mid-80s slasher flick, our friend Anntichrist S. Coulter (AKA the Unsinkable Joanna) has outlasted the Three Fundamental Forces of Nature (Time, the Elements, and Chiggers), and endured long enough to finally find an apartment that will accept tenants on disability.
I wasn't going to say anything until she actually signed the lease on Tuesday, because I'm a pessimist who lives in constant dread of offending Fate (the Fourth Fundamental Force of Nature, which recently moved up from Sixth place after checking in more times on Foursquare), but the feral cat is out of the bag, so I'll let Annti tell you all about it in her own words.
(I've slightly edited her original email, because I'm uncomfortable reprinting correspondence without the express written permission of Major League Baseball, and because I think there's a 10,000 word-per-post limit on Blogger and, well, you know...it's Annti.):
It's time for the Wicked-Slutty Off-Key Happy-Dance of Vindictive Monkey-Love Joy, 'cause ANNTI IS NO LONGER HOMELESS!!!!!!
Sorry for the blah ol' mass-mailing to all of y'all who have HELPED ME SURVIVE, LO, THESE MANY MOONS without a roof o'er my head nor a permanent address, not to mention all of that time wasted (and money!) in roach motels, hellish and good campgrounds...but there are just SO DAMNED MANY GOOD PEOPLE out there, y'all are just not easy to do, one e-mail at a time. I hope that no one is offended by the mass-mailing, but I am just about to BURST with the good news, and since I don't have the time or privacy to blog (not that anybody goes to M.O.B. anymore anyway), I HAD to tell y'all as soon as I got the good news!!!
Here's the basic generic newsflash that I'm sending out: The new apartment is half of a duplex, a REAL HOUSE; the neighbor is an 88-year-old woman who's bedridden & has 24-hour nursing care, and it's QUIET and peaceful and in A REAL NEIGHBORHOOD, not the projects! No corporate assholes, an actual construction company owns it, and though it's not in THE best neighborhood in town, it is a LOVELY block. Lots of street repairs going on, since the Superbowl's coming next year or the next, I dunno --- anyway, it's a working-class neighborhood...everybody owns their own homes, takes care of them, several retirees, no drug dealers, no gangs, no hookers, no crackheads...In other words, the polar opposite of Desire.
And the construction crew who rebuilt this joint did it RIGHT, too, from the plumbing to the a/c to the sheetrock. BEAUTIFUL tiny backyard, all shady and private, so James (the then-6-mos.old kitten who adopted me last month @ the campground on Chef) will have a place to go outside and play without getting run over or harmed by superstitious/sadistic sociopaths. Yes, he's a black cat, with two big white spots on his belly. He talks so much, he got named "James, Dammit!" by me & Fallen Uterus, because that's one of Nannie's rare cuss words, whenever Papa would aggravate her or talk too much. I swore that I'd never have another animal, after I gave Boy AND Biddy lung cancer, but dammit, this kid JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. Now I have to see if I can talk the landlord into letting me go back to the campground and try to catch his silver brother. When I decided to adopt James, I didn't know that he had any siblings amongst the baker's dozen of semi-feral/semi-tame cats there, but then I saw the face on that little silver cat (probably a boy, not sure, as it's wilder than James and I can't just go pick it up), and he/she/it was UTTERLY HEARTBROKEN. I felt like the lowest form of life on earth, seeing that kitten's face. You know how expressive that they are, when it's something that really matters to them. I suspect the dumbassed son of the proprietors of having killed-off several of the cats that were there when they bought the joint from the old lady's descendants, who'd owned the RV park/campground until her death. There were 35 cats, now there are 12. Ya can't blame THAT many on traffic and the neighbor's untrained dogs. But they BEGGED me to adopt James and to take five or six more with him, as if, so if his silver sibling is still there, I hope to trap & civilize him/her/it. Hey, I've dealt with harder cases than this one.
Anyway, I DID get the apartment, going down to sign the lease on Tuesday, the federal subsidy money has been approved and the deposit paid, so it's good to go!
THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL THANK Y'ALL SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOO MUCH!!!! I love y'all more than words can say, not that THAT's ever stopped me, but I hope that this silly shit can even remotely convey how thrilled that I am to have friends like y'all, who've stuck with me, lo, these many years, and to those of you who were/are able to contribute to the homelessness/no-longer-
I love y'all so much, and could never ask for a better bunch of friends, as I surely don't deserve friends as good as y'all, but I'm damned grateful to have found y'all!!!!!!
Scott again: I know everyone here shares my love and affection for Joanna, the quintessential Tough Broad With a Heart of Gold, and feels the same relief and happiness as her long national nightmare comes to a close, so congratulations, Annti!
(I also know she lost a lot of her possessions in the eviction and will consequently need to replace at least some of the necessities of civilized indoor life, so if you have a couple bucks you can contribute to the housewarming endowment, her Pals with Pay address is velvetgutter - at - hotmail.)
UPDATE: Joanna tried to leave a comment, but she's on a borrowed computer and couldn't log in, so she emailed asking if I could post this for her:
"I adore you so much, Scott. And Mary, and Sheri, and all of y'all here who made me feel so welcome into the bizarro world o'crap that we all call home. I love the post, though I'll never look like Liz Taylor, even in her declining years, and thank you and all of the Crappers for your kindness and patience with the clusterfuck that is my life. Nowhere else on earth have I ever felt so at home and so loved, and though I've neglected you all terribly lately (okay, since, y'know, APRIL!), please know that I never stopped thinking of you all and never stopped missing y'all, even when I didn't have a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut @ WIFI or other ISP. Hopefully, if I can get my ISP bill paid and get the gas money to get down there tomorrow night, I'll be moving in as soon as possible and finding help to hire to get it all outta that storage unit. THEN, I can once again rejoin the World O'Crap that I have missed so much, lo, these many moons.
Love y'all all, so much, and am so terribly grateful for your love, patience & friendship.