Monday, November 10, 2014

Good News, Followed by Dubious Advice

Hey guys, just wanted to let everyone know that Mary is home, which means her recovery is excellent or her insurance is lousy.  Anyway, we have Oreo-flavored pudding and Oxycontin, plus a marmalade cat who has been plucked from the gibbering mouth of madness, so all things considered, it's a good day.

I haven't been near the computer much, so there's been no time to go wingnut scouting, but our old friend "Wally" has kindly offered to step in while we are indisposed and offer up a third helping of his unique, Miss Manners meets Nathaniel West-style advice column.  And not just your garden variety home truths traded over the back fence, but the kind of bitter, hard-won wisdom that only comes from growing up on television with Wolverine hair.  (For those who may not remember, Wally made his first appearance here, in a column which attempted to reconcile the ways of Ted Nugent, to Man, then launched his Miss Lonelyhearts franchise here, followed by a second installment here.)

Take it away, Wally...

Dear Wally,

I'm 19 and a Rutgers freshman – and now finally out of the closet.

During orientation week I met a really cool guy, Sam, who lives off-campus and we hang out a lot besides sharing the same major (engineering).

This weekend Sam invited me over to his crib but I met his older brother Todd there instead.

In a nutshell, Todd lured me into helping with bathroom renovation, then compromised me. All afternoon. I still have rope burns around wrists and ankles and other stuff.

I don't know how to tell Sam about this but feel I should if we want to continue our relationship.

Any advice?

Nervous in Newark.

Dear Nervous,

Send more photos.

Your rope-a-dope pal,

Dear Wally,

I'm discouraged by recent news of terrorist activities, emerging viruses and the general sense that the geo-political situation is way outta control.

I'm under-employed and have a family. Should we just be quiet and build a fortified underground bunker in the back yard or do we acquire enough narcotics and drink the Kool-Aid while watching reruns of LITB?

Cowering in Cincinnati

Dear Cowering,

If you go the bunker route for heaven's sake don't spend all day watching reruns of Beaver. Recent research has proven its potential to induce tardive dyskinesia after about a dozen episodes. Or mount your TV hanging from the ceiling facing down. Either way.

Bon Voyage,
La Wally

Dear Wally,

Took my '98 Acura sedan down to Maaco (Bronx) and waited two weeks for a simple repair and paint job. I picked up the car this morning. It's not my car. Its a '81 Honda Civic hatchback. Pizza car. Refused to take delivery.

Piqued in Poughkeepsie

Dear Piqued,

The odds of you getting your original Acura back are about as low as getting a good blow job from Jay North, aka Little Miss Blue Balls.

Normally our readers ask if Wally might assist them somehow in the day-to-day.

You haven't.

Wally has a fleeting suspicion that as an Acura owner you are nothing more than a white man enjoying white privilege in your every endeavor, whether waiting in line at Whole Foods or perhaps just picking your nose whilst navigating from point A to B.

In other words, Piqued, Wally is telling you as politely as Wally can that you are a significant, if not complete, douche-bag.

Contemptibly yours,


Li'l Innocent said...

Hey, Mary, welcome back to LOL (Land of the Livingroom) -- isn't home wonderful???

And huge congrats on getting unhospitalized so quickly. Obviously it's the result of your hardihood and expertise at bouncing back, and nothing to do with the quality of your insurance. (Scott is so lovably cynical.)

I find the idea of Moondoggie in a state of "gibbering madness" very difficult to visualize. Catatonic sulks maybe, but I don't believe that kitteh has a gibber to his name, at least on the volume of photographic evidence you guys have provided.

Anyway, hooray!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Congrats to the fambly!

Weird Dave said...

What Ms. Innocent said.

And Wally, if I had an Acura I would probably feel very, very insulted.

I don't.

Doc Logan said...

Picture yourself
On a couch, by a window
With Oreo pudding
And marmalade cat...

grouchomarxist said...

And it's Doc Logan, for the win!

I'm too wiped out from our two-day drive home to do more than say how glad I am to hear Mary's also home, and recuperating nicely.

Debbi said...

Glad you're out of hospital, Mary!

Hospitals kill, you know ...

Best to all of you, including Moondoggie!

Li'l Innocent said...

Wow, yeah, Doc! That's wonderful, and therapeutic too. Healthy in the sky with diamonds!

gappy said...

I wish there was a "like" option
for comments because everybody would get one although Doc would get my finger stuttering on that particular button. But Mary would get the most for MAKING IT OUT ALIVE!