Hey guys, it's been awhile since we've checked in with defrocked Psycho Therapist (and Chris Vosburg's secret girlfriend) Robin of Berkeley. As you may recall, in the past she's been tormented by liberals, bicycles, lesbians who gave her hard looks, and a homeless guy who stepped on a bug, completely putting her off her Pinkberry. Well, now it's roving gangs of feral turkeys, which are taking over the town much the same way liberal academics have taken over the gown.
There are a whole lot of turkeys in Berkeley. No, I’m not being snarky.I took that for granted, Robin, since "turkey" hasn't generally been deployed as an insult since the 1970s, and even then you often had to go to experts, like Huggy Bear or Earl Holiman from Police Woman, to hear it used properly in a sentence.
We have real, live feral turkeys all over the place, in people’s yards, the streets, and public parks. Before you think, “Oh, how cute,” let me tell you that these creatures are problem children. They poop all over the place; they squawk at all hours of the day and night. And even worse, they have come to rule the roost by blocking traffic.This may not pose more than a minor inconvenience to the average citizen, but I bet it's a huge pain in the ass for Dracula. Just imagine how difficult it is to create the proper atmosphere for your guests if the "children of the night" are not wolves, but turkeys, and the "beautiful music they make" sounds less like souls howling in torment, and more like an ice cream truck playing "Turkey in the Straw."
Face it, uncompromising diversity initiatives by the Berkeley municipal government have led directly to policies that are anti-vampire (a clear case of class warfare) and objectively pro-turkey.
These wild turkeys cause near car accidents every day, as they obstruct traffic, refusing to back up even if cars come close by. With menacing looks, the turkeys will block in drivers, even attack cars. I’ve seen drivers try to back up, while turkeys move towards them, barricading the poor driver in his car.Apologies to PETA, but if you're being intimidated by a thuggish turkey standing in front of your car, an obvious solution presents itself, and it doesn't involve backing up.
Once I saw a female driver so locked in by turkeys outside of my house that I ran out to help her. Wielding a broomstick, I gestured and yelled at the turkeys. They eyed me aggressively before finally flying away.When I was a kid I was a big fan of Magnus, Robot Fighter...
The woman, by then scared to death, thanked me profusely and added, “I’m from out of town. How do you live like this?” (Something, by the way, that I ask myself everyday.)See, this passage works on two levels, because Berkeley is infested with turkeys and also liberal university professors, and they both poop on the hood of your Audi.
Now, the burning question is why are these “wild” turkeys no longer wild? Why is the only wild thing an older woman (me) hollering like a maniac outside of my house?Well Robin, I'd say that's not a question that requires an answer so much as a diagnosis.
Why have these turkeys become so brazen in an urban area?It's an old story, Robin. How're you gonna keep 'em down on the farm now that they'd seen Berkeley? Turkeys of yesteryear may have been content with the barnyard and the Thanksgiving axe, but the instant they hit the big city they begin rouging their knees and rolling their stockings.
The critters have obviously been coddled and protected for so long, that they are in charge, not the humans.
We brought this on ourselves.
Now, my story of the Wild Turkeys of Berkeley is not only a true tale, but a metaphor.I dunno, Robin. Based on past performance, it's probably not the former, and if you have to tell us it's the latter, then it's either not a metaphor, or it was damaged in transit.
Because the turkey example applies not just to animals, but to many humans around here — and most everywhere — who have lost their natural, inborn fears. People, just like creatures, act in anti-social ways partly because they are allowed to.Freed of the civilizing effects of phobias and inhibitions, man returns to a state of nature, sounding his barbaric gobble-gobble over the rooftops of the world, blocking legal parking spaces, and defecating fearlessly into the Assorted Snuggle Remnants bin in Jo-Anne Fabric.
Since anything goes around here, teens will curse and act unruly in public even if grown-ups are nearby.But Robin, conservatives like you have been trying to turn back the clock to the 1950s since the Reagan Administration, so I figured you must be in favor of juvenile delinquency. Don't tell me it's just the quiz show scandals and segregated drinking fountains you're nostalgic for.
Since Berkeley (and the nearby cities) promote Question Authority, some of the kids, like the turkeys, think they are top dog.A turkey that thinks it's a dog doesn't sound like a social problem, it sounds like a Far Side cartoon.
Calling one’s mom or teacher the “b” word makes perfect sense in an area (and a culture, via the sick and twisted media and music) that promotes disrespect for those in charge.As Robin points out, turkeys have filthy mouths -- especially the "jive turkeys" (you know the ones she's talking about) -- but since opportunities for disadvantaged fowl are few, and most of them know they'll wind up behind chicken wire, or dead, you can see why so many are drawn to the nihilism of rap music.
But I don’t just want to blame the children. There are plenty of manchilds and womanchilds who do their own thing, regardless of whether the behavior is legal or appropriate. Laws are flaunted; police are screamed at; people unabashedly walk Fido into stores, defying the conspicuous signs that read, “No Pets Allowed.”Dogs and cats, shopping together! Mass hysteria!
And it’s certainly not just Berkeley. We can see people doing their own thing all over the US — as well as beyond. Like the Wild Turkeys of Berkeley, scores of people have lost their inborn fear.What made the Greatest Generation so great? Each of them -- man, woman, and child, and manchild and womanchild -- were yellow-streaked scaredy cats who were terrified of their own things, and so only did the others' things. That's how you beat Hitler!
So if people now think that they are just wild beasts, why not act like one?Good question. A better question might be why so many people are choosing the turkey as their spirit animal. I don't claim to be an expert on Native American theology, but perhaps it just makes for a more efficient vision quest if your totem not only embodies the essence of your power, but also tastes delicious with giblet gravy.
If there is no meaning to life, then anything goes. And most importantly, if there is no God, then there are no consequences, both in this life and beyond.So atheists can double park and litter and the cops can't touch 'em! Laws only apply to religious people, although strangely, you never see cops pounding on doors of believers, yelling, "Open up in the name of the Lord!"
When we were a country steeped in faith, most citizens had a healthy fear of sin, and Judgment Day, with the very real possibility of hell. It would be hard to beat up a little old lady or start a riot if ultimately it means eternity tortured by the fires of hell. But with a good chunk of the populace not believing in anything outside of themselves and this one life, anti-social behavior and mayhem are out-of-control, particularly around here.The casual observer might glance at this paragraph and see a flaw. To wit: both the rates of crime and regular church-going have been declining in this country, nearly in parallel. But as Robin would probably say, that's just anecdotal evidence. It doesn't actually become empirical data until you factor in the influx of wild turkeys.
Tragically, the world resembles those pre-Christian, pagan times, with its barbarism. From what I behold every day, it’s hard to know anymore who are the humans and who are the wild beasts.In that case, I think neither you nor Dick Cheney should be allowed to go hunting.
Notes:Sure, the crime rates in San Francisco have dropped since 2000, but that's just inside the actual city. Inside the city inside Robin's head, it's Thunderdome! Hm...could there be a connection?
(1) I heard of a survey that the SF Bay Area has the fewest people in the country who go to church. And yet there is widespread anti-social behavior, riots, hellish schools, and astronomical crime. Hm. . .could there be a connection?