Saturday, September 3, 2016

Happy Birthday, Ivan and AnnPW!

It's Labor Day Weekend, which means picnics, appliance sales, and the beginning of Peak Birthday Season at World O' Crap, because if there's one thing that unites the readers and writers of this blog, it's that our parents liked to boink in the bleak midwinter.

Yesterday, our friend Ivan G. Shreve, Jr., proprietor of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear got things rolling with his natal anniversary, and today AnnPW (in whose honor we remember the Sexy Birthday Lizards) keeps it going. By the way, if you haven't dropped by Ivan's place in awhile, I highly recommended it. He's blogging up a blizzard of book, movie, and TV reviews these days, so pop in and check out B-Western Wednesdays, or Forgotten Film Noir Fridays, and enjoy the aroma of horse manure and extra-sweaty Edmund O'Brien!

Now, since this is a double birthday party, we can't just squeeze everyone into the conference room for coffee and sheet cake. We'll have to treat this as an event, a sophisticated soirée, and serve cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. So! Here you go -- have some appetizers. (The cocktails will be along shortly, and then shortly after that they'll be traveling down my neck.)

Anyway, enjoy the Pentagram of Penis-Shaped Meats on Burning Balls.

Vienna Sausages on Flaming Ball. Place can of Sterno in hollowed out center of cabbage.
Remember to drink the Sterno first, then place hollowed out cabbage on your head at a rakish angle. You are now King of the Hobos.
Stick food picks holding Armour Star Vienna Sausages into cabbage. Guests roast sausages over flame. Truly gourmet appetizers!
Disappointed people huddled over a small flame, heating tiny fragments of meat and hoping for a bite of cabbage. It's just like the fabulous parties written about by F. Scott Fitzgerald, if Jay Gatsby had lived under the Sixth Street Bridge.
Deviled Appetizers.
Goes well with your Pentagram O' Flesh serving board!
Make 'em with Armour Star Deviled Ham -- the smoked ham with subtle spices added.
Note: Spices are 28% more subtle than the added rat hairs.
So good you've nothing to do but spread it!
And Armour Appetizer Meats wins the award for the douchebaggiest pick-up line in history.
Meat Medley Canapés. No work! Simply spread Armour Star Potted Meat Food Product on crackers The mixing and spicing of various meats has been done for you by Armour to give wonderful flavor! You'll love it!
You'll love it, or you'll find out first hand what goes into our Armour Star Potted Meat Food Product! Like "weapons of mass destruction-related program activities", "Potted Meat Food Product" is a vague, yet transparent euphemism that nonetheless provides plausible deniability in the event of war crimes tribunals. Enjoy it on toast rounds in the Hague cafeteria.

Now for our Sears Portrait Studio Glamour Shot segment. For Ivan, we've selected the delightfully deadly Peggy Cummins:
"Don't I look sweet and innocent? Like Vera-Ellen's kid sister, maybe? You think so too, don't you? I can tell. Well I'm flattered, and I hope you always remember me this way; right up until the moment I snuggle in close and put a bullet through your belly so I can watch your baffled eyes glaze over...
Oh, and, uh...Happy birthday!
I guess I should have led with that..."

And for Ann, here's Barely Legal Robert Mitchum:
"If you wanna go hang out under the boardwalk, I gotta joint hidden in my shorts."

And what birthday(s) would be complete without our traditional...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!™

Today's specimen is a Green Anole, which like Ivan is from Georgia. I'd try to dig up one of Ann's native reptiles, but I don't know where she lives, so I hope she'll consent to share this little guy, because frankly, I think we could all benefit by his example. Just look at him: hangin' out, chillaxing, casually devising a detailed scheme to murder and replace the kitten in that "Hang in There Baby!" poster you see in every head shop.

There we go. I may be tardy, but I'm sincere, so please join me in wishing both Ivan and AnnPW a very happy (belated) or (just in the nick of time) birthday, as appropriate.


maryclev said...

Happy Birthday you two wonderful old kids!

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

enjoy the aroma of horse manure and extra-sweaty Edmund O'Brien

I am going to be chortling at that all day.

No need to fret about the belated angle of the birthday post; I am quite familiar with the hush-hush nature of the Armour archives, and know that obtaining recipes and vintage ad materials is a dangerous business. (Coming soon to Forgotten Noir Fridays: My Potted Meat is Quick.)

Thanks again for the birthday wishes. (Oh, and for the "hang in there" lizard poster, a gift suitable for framing.)

heydave said...

Happy birthdays, and please, no burnt flesh on the burnt flesh apps!

AnnPW said...

I am honored to share my birthday with a fellow classic movie enthusiast! Many thanks to Scott and all fellow Crappers, of course - Peggy Cummins looks so fetchingly normal when not portraying the prototype of today's Bundy-types in Gun Crazy!

And, speaking of crazy, I hail from San Antonio, deep in the heart o' Texas, home to just enough lunacy to keep me here!

Hank said...

Happy birthday and happy birthday, you two!

Once again, Scott, you've unearthed a sample of post-WWII magazine cusine that makes me wonder whether the culinary geniuses employed by these ad agencies were in a secret competition to devise the most evil, revolting-looking recipe imaginable, or simply expressing an all-consuming hatred of humanity. I could see Ruth Gordon whipping something like this up for that party where all the witches and warlocks came to "Ooo!" and "Ahh!" over Rosemary's new baby.

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday Ivan and Ann!

Scott, I may be getting paranoid in my dotage, but the birthday posts seem to have a hidden agenda of pushing us all to adopt a vegetarian diet. Pondering the origin of canned meat (what parts? WHAT ANIMAL?!?) makes Morriseys of us all.

M. Bouffant said...

Here, I'll be late too. Just shows how sincere my desire for all to have a happy birthday & ensuing yr. is.

Good to see Ivan being prolific, too. A happy return.