Friday, January 6, 2017

Wondah Womaaaaan!

[Note: I just found this in my Drafts folder, where it's been sitting since November. Not sure why I never posted it, but it's probably because I'm a post-modern moron.]
No, Wonder Woman is not queer. You’re just a post-modern moron
See? Thanks for clearing that up, Steve Deace.

Wait..."Who's Steve Deace?" I hear you ask. "Never mind!" I hear you add, but a fraction of a second too late, because I've already got his bio here:

“[Steve Deace] is a rising star” that represents “the next generation in conservative media."
And here he is now, in thoughtful repose.  Hmmm...Is he picking his nose? Or just thinking? Or just thinking about picking his nose? The world may never know...

Anyway, Steve's the host of one of those vein-bursting right wing monologue shows, a frequent "guest pundit" on TV, and a "prolific writer" for a bunch of sites like Townhall (which auto correct desperately wants to render as "Downhill"), WorldNetDaily, Breitbart, etc. "His youth combined with his writing and broadcast ability makes him uniquely positioned for today’s multimedia environment."

In other words, he's a nerd who's well qualified to recruit evolved Pokémon for the conservative cause!

"Deace lives in Iowa with his wife, Amy, and three young children Ana, Zoe, and Noah. He feels that living in the heartland provides him with a grassroots conservative perspective often lacking in a beltway media culture that treats Middle America like flyover country."

Hey, no need to feel defensive about living in the Corn Belt, Steve. Our own Heydave is a Hawkeye, which just goes to prove that for every blustery, insecure jerk stinkin' up the prairie, there's a nice, smart, funny guy who volunteers at a soup kitchen (thank you for your service, Heydave).
The cost of being a superhero has been reflected upon in many of the recent DC and Marvel movie franchises.
Yep, it costs roughly $200 million a pop. $400 million when you include P&A.
The mighty responsibility of being able to avoid bad things happening to good people, but minus the transcendence of knowing whether you always should and what the collateral damage will be if you do.
With great power comes great responsibility to avoid bad things. (I dunno, maybe Uncle Ben should do a second draft...?)
Turns out no matter how cool these movies are visually, their true depth relies on something that isn’t remotely futuristic or cutting edge. These are profoundly human stories. These are stories filled with soul.

"You have the soul of a man who can cosplay a rodent."
The butler Alfred tells Bruce Wayne that the duty of Batman is to “endure” what others cannot. That’s a Christ-like sacrifice.
Except...Batman lived. For your analogy to work, Christ would have to be waging a one man war to avenge the death of his Father and Mary, which either means Nietzsche was right, or you need to go to remedial Sunday School.
Kal-El/Clark Kent is a Mosaic exile from a doomed culture sent upstream to inspire humanity with his messianic altruism.
So...Judaism is a doomed culture? Somebody should tell Netanyahu he can ease off on the settlements, because what's the point? Just toss your babies into the river, Jews, and hope for the best!
Bruce Banner’s reality as the Hulk is he is “always angry.” He struggles to temper his perpetual wrath into a righteous indignation used for good.
If he fails to master his temper, all of humanity will suffer, but he'll probably get a show on FoxNews.
Even the straight-laced Steve Rogers tries to equivocate concerning his Captain America mission statement, before being called on his hypocrisy by the far more deeply conflicted Tony Stark/Ironman.
Whew. Okay, I co-host a podcast about geeky stuff, and even I want to beat this guy up for his lunch money.
All of these characters must bear their cross and suffer a Christ-like descent into hell to perform their service to humanity. That’s why their characters, even with their flaws, are cornerstones of the pop culture zeitgeist. They mirror both our Adamic frailty/sinfulness as well as the imago dei each of us possesses, which inspires us to be something more than a fallen son of Adam and a daughter of Eve.
Plus, they can thwart crime with Hostess Fruit Pies!
Alas, despite the Christ-like hell vacations and the light tender crust, Steve has gone limp with rage because Greg Rucka, writer of the Wonder Woman comic, suggested -- one might even say, "acknowledged" -- that a woman raised on an island of women might have banged a lady or two.
A recent Time magazine article delved into this ever-so-shallow pool of philosophical larceny, when comic book author Greg Rucka considered the nature of Diana Prince’s/Wonder Woman’s Amazonian heritage.

“When you start to think about giving the concept of [her female-only homeland] its due, the answer is, ‘How can they not all be in same-sex relationships?’ Right? It makes no logical sense otherwise. It’s supposed to be paradise. You’re supposed to be able to live happily. You’re supposed to be able … to have a fulfilling, romantic and sexual relationship. And the only options are women.

Now, are we saying Diana has been in love and had relationships with other women? As Nicole and I approach it, the answer is obviously yes.”

So, how much question-begging do you have time for? Because that is rubbish.
Enough time to point out, for the millionth time, that "question-begging" doesn't mean "raising a question"? No? Really? Okay, fine...
Only a hell-hole mistaken for a paradise— whose real-life source material insists that men in dresses pee in women’s bathrooms — could arrive at such a conclusion. 
So according to Steve, the reason Themyscira -- Diana's homeland -- was called "Paradise Island" is because it's the one spot on earth where only ladies use the Ladies Room. Problem solved!

Wait...I just had a thought. What if there are trans Amazons? Do they have to trudge all the way over to the Themyscira Target just to take a leak? That seems unfair.
That’s just another way of saying that this author’s definition of paradise may be partaking in one of the classic blunders: paving the road to hell with fake good intentions.
According to highway engineers, paving a heavily traveled roadway with fake good intentions can lead to a higher incidence of potholes, collapsed culverts, and uneven shoulder surfaces, making it 30% more likely that Jesus' road trip to hell will end with a broken axle.

First, the upcoming Wonder Woman movie makes clear that far from being without male influence, her very life and culture is owed to the male god Zeus.
STEVE TREVOR: Have you never met a man before? Well--what about your father?
DIANA: I had no father. I was brought to life by Zeus.

And since she's never seen him, Zeus is clearly a deadbeat dad. No wonder she became a lesbian.  But the point is, the Amazons don't have same-sex relationships, they're only sexually attracted to their daddy, which sounds creepy, but is apparently considered perfectly normal in Themyscira. And Trump Tower.
Might that not be the plumb line we should operate from in deciphering not only sexual relations but all morality within this universe? I don’t seem to recall any discussion in the Greek pantheon where Zeus must first check in with Bruce Jenner before making a ruling on matters of state from Mount Olympus.
Right. The rigid plumb line of ancient Greek heterosexuality. Anybody want to tell Steve? But please, break it to him easy. Maybe start him off with tales of the Sacred Band of Thebes -- you can tell him it's like a Peloponnesian Avengers movie -- then ease him into the pederasty.
Second, Rucka makes a weird and hypocritical plea for nuance in the quality of Wonder Woman’s “obvious” gayness: “We’ve had a long history of people—for a variety of reasons, including sometimes pure titillation, which I think is the worst reason—say, ‘Ooo. Look. It’s the Amazons. They’re gay!’”

Who are you to judge another culture’s titillation, Mr. Judgy Pants?
He's judging our culture, Mr. Clueless Culottes, with its predilection for faux lesbian porn. But Steve's larger points stands, because really, who are we to judge others? Maybe there's a radio host in the heartland who likes to put on his loose-fitting "Judgy Pants", rage about possible same sex subtext in comic books, then enjoy a well-deserved spanking from a Daddy figure he calls "Zeus". That's the kind of thing that can only make our moral plumb line all the straighter.
Is it Diana’s true identity to be freaky as she wants to be or not? Don’t shackle those poor Amazonians with all your self-important man-splaining. If an American kindergartener and his parents can insist, for any reason they want, that the boy is a girl, and the rest of us simply have to deal with it, then those Amazonians don’t have to fit into your obtuse categories, either. Just add another letter onto the end of the LGBTXYZ train and be done with it, you troglodyte.
TV DETECTIVE: What've we got?

CSI: Signs of a struggle between argument and tantrum. I'd put time of death of the metaphor at somewhere between midnight and two a.m.

TV DETECTIVE: Cause of death?

CSI: Looks like attempted satire.
Third, Rucka says Wonder Woman’s relationship with this world’s war hero, Steve Trevor, couldn’t possibly be uniquely characteristic of her sexuality. Why? Because if she was “only interested in men, then fans could interpret her departure from (her home world) as an attempt to pursue (that relationship).” That interpretation, he says, would undermine “both the sacrifice she makes leaving her home and her heroism.”

So if she’s straight, she’s a hypocrite. But if she’s gay, she’s Joan of Arc? Totally get it now. Wait, no I don’t. I thought love is love. Why won’t you jerks just let poor Diana be happy in her multi-world bi-curiousness? How is her not-totally gay, maybe-someday fictional marriage affecting you anyway?
Oh oh...Somebody's attempts to relieve the tedium of Iowa by sneaking Wonder Woman comics into the bathroom just hit a patch of auto-erotic black ice.
And lastly, why cast the drop-dead gorgeous Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman if the essence of being Amazonian is more connected to homosexuality than classical notions of femininity?
Yeah! Only classical notions of masculinity should be connected to homosexuality.
Why not go full Ghostbusters? Cast Melissa McCarthy, put her in a baggy t-shirt and some sweatpants instead of a form-fitting suit of armor, and have her protest us to death?
Well, I guess Steve would ruin fewer sweat socks that way. Wait a second...What if Marvel and DC secretly controlled the global sweat sock cartel, and that's why they constantly feature busty women in skimpy outfits when it makes no sense, because Freshmen would rather buy another 12-pack of tubesox from K Mart than do a mid-week load of laundry!
Maybe because even though Wonder Woman is a fictional character, her actual muse is much closer to Almighty God’s truth of the stunning allure and glorious strength of the female design than the stupid lies our post-modern fantasies keep foisting on us? That there really is a feminine mystique after all? And it’s not here to be shamed by political correctness, or put down by a patriarchy. But rather to be celebrated and unleashed because it, too, is made in the image of the Creator.
So Wonder Woman was made in the image of William Moulton Marston? I frankly don't see the resemblance.

Anyway, now that Steve has turned a comic book character's sexuality into a religious issue, I assume Bible-bangers are done worshiping Mother Mary and have moved on to a feminine icon who gets with the program and shows a little skin.
A Creator who said “it is not good for man to be alone.” And when man first gazed upon that stunning allure and glorious strength of the female design he responded with a “wo-man, I’m totally all in for this. Anything she wants, and I’ll try to make it happen.”

Wow, history's first pick-up line sucked. He sounds like Ro-Man from Robot Monster. It's amazing we ever even got to Cane and Abel.
So here’s my challenge to Rucka and the charge of the light in the loafer’s brigade. 
"Come up with a worse bon mot than 'light in the loafer's brigade.' G'wan...I dare ya!"
Go ahead and tarnish the American legends you’ve inherited with your progressive hedonism, rather than honor their legacies as symbols urging us to be something more. And see how much you’re rewarded for it at the box office.
I notice Steve doesn't seem too upset that Captain America is now a nazi in the comics.


Doc Logan said...

So, if Wonder Woman is created in the image of William Moulton Marston, she's very open to three-ways.

heydave said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heydave said...

Steverino is a fucking tool.

rclz said...

Stevie just can't imagine, no his personality disorder won't let him imagine, a world where hot chicks don't need his wee willy winkie (was going to say dick but I'm new here :) to make themselves happy.

Scott said...

rclz, your point is well taken. And just for future reference "dick" is considered correct usage around here, especially when (if I may quote the Style Guide) "referring to that huge (yet probably tiny) dick Steve Deace".

Hank said...

And 'tis a fine froth of a boy ye've got there, Mizzus Deace!

Actually, Steve, what the Creatrix said was, "It is not good for man to be alone. However, in your case ...."

Although, strangely, I find myself agreeing with the Deace-bag that the Amazons were better off in the good old days, before they fell victim to the sissified scourge of political correctness. You know, killing or enslaving all the men, twice-yearly strictly procreational sex (which probably makes it 100% more nookie than Steve will ever get) with a lucky slave, infanticide if the results have a Y-chromosome. Just as Zeus intends.

I guess I'd be pissed at the world, too, if I looked like I'd be at home hanging with Rohm and the boys at Bad Weissee.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

When I was a kid, honestly, I didn't see Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman as any kind of feminist/womanly inspiration/role model. She was so fucking subservient in her incognito "real" life, happy to lick the boot on her fucking neck, as long as that male (LYLE WAGGONER is worth that??!?!?!) "liked" her, she made me physically ill.

The one that I loved/admired, and this will get me a shitload of bad search results --- modeled on the vague concept of the goddess Isis. SHE was a badass, even if she WAS paired with that goober from "SHAZAM!" (Later to inspire the pairing of superduo Hercules/Xena? Ya never know...) She wasn't the "angry feminist" that dickless wonders fear, she was just a strong woman who didn't apologize for being that.

WHY the "media" fucktards hadda nickname the Islamic State's genocidal whackos "ISIS," when our President has always called them "IsIL," I dunno, unless they really REALLY hate female deities or kids' shows slightly derived from them... Or just a REALLY lazy interpreter/BabelFish translation...?

And yes, I've been wanting to portray the GOOD Isis on Halloween for decades, and I finally found a ready-made costume, but then I wound-up HERE, with no Halloween to which I may hobble-strut as the badassed SuperShero. "Halloween is for KIDDDSSS... what kinds of freak are YOU?!?!?" is the general mentality here in Mayberry-On-Acid-Turned-West-Redneckistan, since the Baton Rouge white-flighters took over.

But yeah, if I ever make it outta here, she is going to be my FIRST costume, believe it!

Dr.BDH said...

Fine, fine work, Scott. Isn't this:

"...paving the road to hell with fake good intentions."

the perfect description of Trump's phoney Infrastructure 2.0 scam?

Bitter Scribe said...

I'm more or less indifferent to Wonder Woman and all other comic book icons. But this post made me laugh out loud, repeatedly, longer and louder than I have in months. Well done.

tony in san diego said...

Anyway, Zeus was basically Donald Trump with thunderbolts!

Li'l Innocent said...

I was mostly too old 'n' sophisticated to watch Lynda Carter, but my memory of the ORIGINAL Wonder Woman from the comix of my extreme youth is that she was semi-divine herself; that is, the DC Amazons were not just mortal women living on a mysterious all-female isle, but more-or-other-than plain old human.IOW,they're at least demi-goddesses.

To quote Uma Thurman's Venus in "Adventures of Baron Munchausen": "I'm a goddess! I can do anything I want!"

According to Robert Graves in "The Greek Myths", the Amazons in the view of the ancient mythmakers were mortal warrior women who removed one breast to allow them better to draw the bowstring. IIRC Graves says that they were reputed to mate with men expressly to increase their own numbers but otherwise avoided them and only kept the girl babies. Wonder what Young Steve would say to that.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Somehow, I get the feeling that Stevie's mama DID delete his barely-XY ass upon first sight, hence his pathetic anger at all things tits, vagina, yonic, heat-shaped asses, etc. And, y'know, the whole pathetic-loser-trying-to-pad-a-non-existent-resume' thing...