8:00 a.m. New York Times reports that the President has shot a Democratic senator.
8:45 a.m. The White House Press Spokesman, Sean Spicer, tells reporters that nobody was shot, that the Senator just cut himself shaving, from what Spicer was told.
10:15 a.m. The new FBI Director, James Woods, tells reporters that it wasn't a senator whom the President shot, it was an evil alien replicant of the Senator.
1:00 p.m. Democrats call for the President to be investigated for violations of the Senate rules regarding decorum.
2:30 p.m. The President tweets that as President, he is allowed to murder anybody he wants to, so he murdered a Senator, and what you gonna do about it?
3:00 After being mobbed by reporters asking about the President's murderous rampage, Sean Spicer hides under a parked car and refuses to come out.
5:30 p.m. New White House Spokesman Sarah Palin shoots the entire press pool from a helicopter.
6:30 p.m. Fox News announces that it is now the only news service for the entire United States. And that America is now great again.
6:41 p.m. President Trump decides over pudding to divorce Melania by nuking New York. Law firm Morgan Lewis sends certified letter asserting this successfully voids their pre-nup. Millions die but pudding reportedly delicious.
7:00 p,m. Sean Hannity airs hard-hitting expose on the debauched girls of Spring Break.