I hope everyone is having an enjoyable day, free of politics, familial strife, traffic jams, and Cottage-Cheese-and-Lime-Jello salad molds. I succeeded in screwing up my back yesterday, so I'm passing it with hot cocoa and Vicodin, while Mary is busy in the kitchen, making her famous Hollowed Cabbage with Cat Food Surprise!
Just kidding. But there is some culinary drama afoot, since she couldn't find a turkey breast at the market this year, and instead is attempting, for the first time on any stage, to cook at entire turkey in our weirdly proportioned, dollhouse-sized oven.
I guess we'll know the outcome in a couple of hours. In the meantime, we're watching The Gauntlet, the six episode, designed-to-binge 12th season of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
(And after one episode, I have a theory to share about the E.T. ripoff Mac and Me. So this piece of crap has more -- and more blatant -- product placement than any film I've ever seen: Coke, McDonalds, Skittles, even Sears ponied up to take part in this disaster. It cost a reported $13 million, and while it admittedly looks like a Steven Spielberg picture -- by which I mean one of the Super8 movies he shot in his backyard when he was 12 -- it earned less than half its budget back at the box office. So my theory is that the filmmakers saw Mel Brooks' The Producers, and got a brilliant idea! They cut a bunch of cross-promotional deals, sucked up millions in corporate cash, lensed a guaranteed failure for peanuts, then pocketed the balance and moved to Togo, which has no extradition treat with the United States. Q.E.D.)
So how are you guys passing the day? Pleasantly? Or like a kidney stone?
In the meantime, let's enjoy some holiday cheesecake, as Jean Arthur and Lillian Roth demonstrate pantless turkey hunting techniques.
TBH, I've never seen a turkey wearing pants. now an elephant in my pyjamas is another matter entirely
I'm going to hope that the cat food in cabbage bowl is for...your cat? I guess I never tire of leggy cheesecake. (Does that make me a bad person?)
(Does that make me a bad person?)
Not in THIS crowd, Jimbo.
"Did that come out of me?"
Went pretty well, actually. Food all came out properly done and on time, which is never a guarantee. My niece makes a killer bread pudding, we had way more pies than we could snarf up, so the doggie bags were full, and we played a couple 10-point rounds of Cards Against Humanity (which should be subtitled "A little good clean filth never hurt nobody"), and it was a fucking blast. A good time was had by all, except for the turkey, and this one pig...
It's a little-known fact, but Mary's recipe actually dates back to the pre-Christian era of VeggieTales: After Carl the Cabbage was slain in single combat by Larry the Cucumber, Larry hollowed out his enemy, pureed his innards -- and the rest is culinary history.
The most appalling part of "Mac and Me" was the very end, where a speech bubble caption comes out of ....somebody, I guess, saying "We'll be BACK!"
Oy, the threatening speech bubble. I was hoping it came out of someone's ass, actually, and could therefore be dismissed as a swamp gas-induced hallucination
Cooked what's left of my ass off, did a bone-in turkey breast (ugh), a big pan of cornbread dressing, sweet potatoes-with-marshmallows bake thing, and whole-cranberry sauce. Invited the curmudgeonly (and coming from me, that curmudgeonly MEANS SOMETHING, n'est-ce pas??) Yat-by-way-of-Florida old-coot neighbor over to share w/me, the F.U. & the cats & dogs (including his 3-legged, 16-year-old poodle, Muffin, whom I lately had to physically extract from a VERY deep hollar next to the house here, NOT an exercise that I ever intended to repeat, but had to, nonetheless, weeks later, for 'Tiz, teh F.U.'s mental-case Corgi, the uppity bitch!), as my "good deed" for the year. The way that he blathers, it may count for the fucking decade, but hell, at least now we don't have to do SHIT for the fake-dated fucking Xmas shit. I'm getting whatever passes for "take-out" up here in suburbanite white-flight hell, staying in my flannel gown, and the holiday can get fucked. Can't afford to buy prezzies for ANYBODY this year, and the F.U. is only getting the most bulletproof/toenail-proof/indestructible dog bed that I can afford, for the gigantic half-lab/half-brontosaurus adopted dawg. The Corgi sleeps with the F.U. in the high-up bed, which is how I threw out my fucking back last night in the first fucking place. A "CRUNCH!!!" that I haven't heard since Katrina. I do not recommend the experience.
In the next couple of weeks, I am going to cook big batches of Mexene chili, more cornbread dressing, and a couple more quiches, to be mostly stored in the freezer, so that I won't have to cook much more for the rest of the fucking winter. Beats the hell out of TV dinners, but it's a helluva lot of work, too, so I intend to spend much of December in a benadryl-induced mini-coma. Happy trails & snowballs to you all, and may the fires & earthquakes spare Scott & Mary this year and all the years to come. And may the fires NEVER get as far east as Sheri & her interspecies critter commune! All the love, good flannel, hugs & calorie-laden love to all the rest of you Crappers, in case I am not vertical long enough to get back here for another long spell.
If it weren't for that motherfucker Ivanka Trump needing a hobby, I'd still have "pain management" and be capable of remaining upright in front of this computer enough to visit here as regularly as I'd like, but of course, where dilettantes get bored, so goes the future of this country. If there were EVER such a thing as a doctor WITH ETHICS in the state of Louisiana, I'd probably fucking faint from the shock, and then have to wait a year and a half to get a fucking appointment with her! Fuck, just to GET a female GP or shrink here in West Fucktardiana Parish would be a political coup the likes of when Huey Long built Charity Hospital! There's a shitload of easily-threatened little penises in these here Redneckistan woods... I'd call it "sad," but that would just hearken back to the LITTLEST PECKER OF THEM ALL! Hmmmm... I wonder... does he use spray-tan orange THERE, too??? Uggghhhhh, EEYEEEWWWWWWW... Sorry for putting that cartoon into y'all's heads!!! Love you anyway!!!
P.S.: Does Nintendo even HAVE a little polka-dotted mushroom character covered in ORANGE SPRAY-TAN? And on a REAL mushroom, would that Agent Orange skin dye make the whole little plant just MELT?? Inquiring minds would like to know... y'know, when we're done *retching*... Ugh. Bleck. Shutting up now.
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