Thursday, March 26, 2020

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

By World O' Crap Special Birthday Correspondent Bill S.

Today we celebrate the birthday of MaryC, and, as always, search for that perfect gift. It's a bit different this year, with most of the country in quarantine. What do you get for the girl who's housebound?
Let's see what we can find in the Carol Wright Gifts catalogue

all sizes only $19.99
This slimming-look, zip-front lounger has lace trim and two roomy pockets.

Best of all, it's stylish!

DELUXE GOPHER Pickup and Reaching Tool
$9.99, additionals $7.99
E-x-t-e-n-d You Reach Nearly 3 Ft.!

Hey, this is a great idea if you have to shop for essentials, such as liquor. Get two of them, grip one with the other, and hold it in front of you to maintain social distancing (and SMACK! anyone who tries to violate your space.)

Why pay $11.99? Ours only $9.99
Your Own Personal Bidet

If the hoarding of toilet paper continues, this could be the biggest seller during the holidays. (A, um, stocking stuffer.)

But what about fun indoor activities? Perhaps we can find something in that other great catalogue, Things You Never Knew Existed

[Note from Scott: Sadly, Things You Never Knew Existed, which has been a part of Bill's birthday posts for many years now, has gone the way of the Steller's sea cow. When you click on the link above, this is what greets you:

So let this last appearance stand, not only as Bill's encomium to Mary's special day, but also as an epitaph for that great American institution, the Catalogue Full o' Bullshit.]

Great Low-impact workout! Tone up your arms and chest muscles without ever leaving your seat! Sturdy fitness device secures to virtually any chair with 21" Velcro straps. Elastic Power Chord bands with cushioned handles--

So basically you sit on a bungee chord and stretch it out? I said a fun activity. Moving on...

Perhaps some light reading...?

EXECUTIONS IN AMERICA Over 300 Years of Capital Punishment
Heavily illustrated with rare pictures of the condemned criminals, their executioners, the official instruments used to carry out the sentences, and in many cases, the actual execution.

300 years? So they're including future executions?

Jeff Dunham and his iconic creations (Achmed, Walter, Peanut, and Bubba J.) travel the world pushing the limits on 5 continents, in arenas few Americans have dared to perform!

Well, that's probably a little bit funnier than the "Executions" book.

[From Scott: Only if it includes photos of Bubba J. in the gas chamber.]

Electronic vinyl keyboard fits around the commode so you can tap out a tune with your toes while you tinkle!
Well, I'd refrain from doing a Jerry Lee Lewis impression, but apart from that, I think we've found our winner!

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

[From Scott: And what's a birthday around here without the traditional Sexy Birthday Lizard!]
This Parson's Chameleon wants you. Bad.


Jim Donahue said...

Happy birthday, Mary!

heydave said...

Woo hoo!

Elizabeth said...

Happy social-distancing birthday, Mary!

Dr. Alice said...

Have a wonderful birthday, Mary! And try not to strangle Scott for all those gift suggestions...

Bill S said...

Scott needn't worry, Dr. Alice, as those were MY suggestions, and as I live in another state, strangling me would be a bit of a reach.
Saddened to learn that "Things You Never Knew Existed" no longer exists. (The entries I listed were from an old catalogue. )

maryclev said...

What the--you guys!! I am so surprised! I was not expecting this at all! Thank You! And IN. Your. FACE CoVid19! Try to foil MY birthday, will you?? HA!

Thank you all for the birthday greetings. As for Bill S's suggestions...hmmm.

Potty Piano--No Thank You. I'm afraid Robert Loggia will show up and things will get weird.

Anything from Jeff Dunham-ever; No thanks.

Executions in America? Hmmm, maybe. I tend to be more interested in WHY those people are being executed. Ask Scott; he'll tell you why.

The Chair Exerciser. Is this for exercise or something more for the BDSM dabbler?

Personal Hygiene Refresher. Um. Does it come with directions?

ZIP FRONT SEERSUCKER LOUNGER. That's it. That's the one I would like. MY mom might have one around here, somewhere...

Thank You Bill S. It's never a happy birthday without a post from you! And thanks to all my happy birthday wishers!

Hank said...

Oh, geez, late again. And I can't even use the excuse of a rough week, since everybody's having one of those this season, to a greater or lesser degree.

Happy b-day, Mary C.! I hope it was an "A+" day, despite the social distancing.